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Nursing Ellen and Calvin

I nurse both my four year old little girl, Ellen, and my one year old little boy, Calvin. I didn't plan on nursing Ellen this long, and I had never heard of tandem nursing when I was pregnant with Ellen. When pregnant with Ellen, I figured I'd try to nurse, and, if it worked out, I was hoping to make it until she was 12 months old.

Well, after a little bit of a rocky start, nursing did indeed "work out" for us. There were some ups and downs, and at around 11 months old, I thought that she might be on her way to weaning. She really picked up nursing again at around 15 months old when she got sick and wouldn't eat anything, but would only nurse. Nursing helped her get better quickly.

Here are some thoughts I wrote about nursing Ellen when she was 18 months old. . .

I still breastfeed my precious 18 month old, Ellen. We both enjoy it! It gives us a wonderful time of closeness, and it makes her smile. Breastfeeding often calms Ellen down and helps her to go to sleep. I know that even if she isn't interested in much solid food sometimes, that she gets superb nutrition from my breastmilk. If she is sick, I don't have to give her any pedialyte, because breastmilk is all the fluid she needs. It is better than any artificial fluid I could give her, because breastfeeding not only gives her a very easily digested liquid, it helps her get better with its rich nutrients and antibodies from me--and gives her a sense of comfort the closeness and sucking provide.

It was during this time that I started the "Nursing a Toddler" section of my website (when Ellen was 18 months old) to encourage other mothers who nurse toddlers not to give into society's, family's, and/or friend's pressures to wean. I hope by these pages to show other mothers who nurse toddlers that they are not alone and to show people that there are many benefits to nursing a toddler. Nursing a toddler is normal and natural, and I believe that children's bodies, hearts, and minds were designed to nurse well into toddlerhood.

Our nursing relationship went smoothly until I got pregnant. I found it to be very hard to nurse her while I was pregnant, but I didn't want her to wean prematurly because of me. I felt guilty for depriving her of what I believed (and still believe) that she needed, so I encouraged her to continue nursing and I "toughed" it out through sore nipples and, much worse for me, my incredible feeling of "antsiness" which at times brought on feelings of almost dislike of nursing Ellen.

Here are some comment written when I was six months pregnant. . .

As Ellen grows older and nurses far less than she used to, the reasons we continue to nurse are changing. A dramatic change in our nursing relationship has occurred in past few months because I am pregnant. . . a change I feel would have been much more gradual if I had not gotten pregnant. Being pregnant has caused my nipples to become quite sensitive, and my milk supply has greatly diminished. Now at 32 months old Ellen nurses around 3 times a day... quick little nurses that last usually a couple minutes. She nurses mainly for comfort, to reconnect, to help her calm down if she is really stressed about something, and to help her get to sleep. Because of my pregnancy, nursing is often very uncomfortable for me, but I treasure the special closeness nursing brings to our relationship and will continue until she no longer needs it.

I began hoping that the nursing relationship would be great after Calvin's birth, but a friend warned me that it might be difficult--actually even harder than nursing while pregnant.

Well, you can read a little about what happened in these comments I wrote after tandem nursing for three months. . .

Picture taken when Calvin was a day old and Ellen was 3 years and 4 days old.

The first week of tandem nursing wasn't too bad, but then it went downhill! It's tiring nursing two children. I've found it to be very hard for me to nurse them both at the same time, so sometimes when one is done, the other needs to nurse. And for some reason it's hard for me to nurse Ellen. I've been told it's hormonal. . . a baby nurses so much differently than an older child. I could nurse my little baby almost all the time and not mind, but it's hard for me to nurse Ellen for more than a few minutes.

Picture taken during the first week after Calvin's birth

I know some people love tandem nursing, but honestly sometimes over the past three months I've wondered if I should've encouraged her to wean during the pregnancy. I can't always nurse her as often or as much as she would like to nurse, and it stresses her out sometimes. I think she gets jealous because Calvin nurses so much. But there is hope! . . .

Now at three months, it's getting better!! Ellen is more accepting of my limitations, and isn't being quite as demanding. Yayh! Calvin isn't nursing as often as he did as a little baby, and I wonder if that has anything to do with her being less demanding. Also, I've noticed that Ellen doesn't ask to nurse as much if she is having fun. For instance, today my mom was visiting us and Ellen didn't nurse until late afternoon; she ended up nursing about five times, but they weren't for very long.

Why do I still nurse Ellen? I think she needs it. I wish I were able to give her as much as she needs, but I am thankful things are getting better. I nurse Ellen to help reassure her that she is still my precious little girl. I love it when she nurses to sleep, but it doesn't work as well as it did when she was littler. Ellen thinks my milk tastes yummy! Also, sometimes she asks to nurse when she is upset because it helps her calm down.

Now I am starting to feel so much better about tandem nursing, and that makes me feel relieved. Maybe it'll continue to get better? :)

Currently, approximately a year later, Ellen nurses about half a minute almost every day. Somedays she nurses a tiny bit more, and some days she forgets to ask to nurse. Sometimes I even have a hard time remembering if she nursed that day.

Why do I keep nursing her even though she nurses such a little bit? Well, there are several reasons, the main one being simply because she asks to nurse. She really thinks it tastes good. Every once in a while she asks to nurse because she wants my attention. Sometimes she is thirsty, and maybe that's what makes her think of it, yet when I offer a drink, sometimes she tells me, "Okay! I'd like some juice after I nurse." I think she likes to nurse because her little brother nurses, and it helps her still feel connected to me and to feel connected to her brother, too. She is growing up so fast, I think sometimes she likes to do somethings her little baby brother does. Sometimes she'll be very happy to nurse if Calvin isn't interested in nursing at that moment, and I'm feeling a bit over-full.

Also, a few days ago she was sick and had a fever. She didn't feel like drinking much, but she did want to nurse when I asked her, and I was grateful to be able to nurse her.

On the Road to Weaning: the Exciting Journey ;-)

Ellen now seems very content with our "nursing routine," though it took a while to get there! Soon after she begins nursing I start counting out loud to 20, and then she is often happy to quit after that; or sometimes she will ask to nurse again, and I let her do it for another count to 20, and sometimes another count to 20, also.

Before I became pregnant with Calvin, usually I nursed Ellen whenever she asked to nurse, and I offered when I thought she seemed to need to nurse. When I was pregnant I began cutting her nursing sessions short. I knew this was something that encourages some children to wean, and I didn't want to make her wean, so I also continued offering to nurse her sometimes. I was torn. . . I wasn't completely enjoying nursing her like I used to, but I knew she still had a need to nurse.

Toward the end of the pregnancy, I quit worrying about it and decided to let happen what would happen. She started skipping days and didn't nurse that much. Then after Calvin's birth after my milk came in she wanted to nurse a lot.

As is common with newborns, Calvin nursed very often. When Ellen saw me nursing Calvin, she wanted to nurse, too. I found it very hard to nurse them both at the same time--the sensations it created felt overwhelming to me--so, sometimes I would make her wait and, understandably, Ellen used to get very upset about that. She wouldn't accept my reading a book to her as a substitute, as had been suggested to me, so I let her watch a lot of tv and videos to help distract her from wanting to nurse. Though I feel she watched way too much tv when Calvin was little, it helped me keep my sanity! Offering her something else to drink or eat when she asked to nurse was helpful sometimes.

I began realizing that I didn't need to feel guilty for telling her "no" sometimes--that actually when I felt more confident about it, Ellen seemed to accept it better than when I acted worried--and I slowly started putting more limits on when she could nurse. For instance, I told her that she couldn't nurse during church anymore, but she could nurse after church. It was amazingly easy to cut that nursing out, and she didn't even continue to nurse after church for very long.

I began limiting her nursing sessions by singing a song while I nursed her, and then at the end of the song she would stop. This also helped distract me from thinking about nursing her while nursing her (I know this sounds awful, and I'm not sure how to explain it, but it was so hard for me to nurse her--I felt so "antsy" when nursing her). Someone (a former tandem nurser) suggested the perfect song for this: "The 12 Days of Christmas." Sometimes I sang it all the way through and then tried to do it backwards, too. I could sing fast if I was having a hard time nursing, or slowly if things were going fine.

After a while, in stead of singing "The 12 Days of Christmas," I started singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." When asking to nurse, Ellen began asking for "two twinkles" (referring to how many times she wanted me to sing the song before our nursing session would be over), or we would agree on a certain number of "twinkles," and I would sing the song through that many times, and she'd be done--or she'd ask for one more "twinkle."

Then we shortened it to what we currently do now--nursing to the count of 20. This has worked well for us especially because she was familiar with that concept since she does other things to the count of 20. Other times we use "counting to 20" as a signal that it's time to change activities, so she knows exactly how much longer she has, and to give her a chance to finish up what she is doing, and, for us, it works well in this situation, too. I thought this was something that was peculiar to our nursing relationship, this counting to a certain number, but I was surprised to find out that many other tandem nursing mothers do this, too!

I can see that Ellen is needing to nurse less and less, and I think she is starting to feel content with the idea that she will not nurse someday. Several months ago when I told her that she wouldn't want to nurse someday, she said she was sad. Now she doesn't sound so sad. I've heard that weaning can be a time of fulfillment. She has been such a pleasant person to be around lately--she hasn't been getting upset as easily and has been more kind and seems less stressed (she has always been rather high-needs)--so I am wondering if this is partly because she is becoming content with our nursing relationship and she is starting to become willing to let it go, and perhaps she senses the same feelings in me.

Every once in a while, Ellen and Calvin nurse together for a short time, and, though that feels strange to me, it is so cute to see them both nursing, and it makes me laugh with happiness.

Calvin, at age 14 months, nurses very well before nap time and bedtime, and he nurses quite a bit at night. When in public he nurses very little because he still gets distracted easily (this started at about 4-5 months old). He nurses at home quite a bit, but, except for right before he falls asleep, during the day it's usually a sip here and a sip there. Often he'll come up to me while I'm sitting down in a chair, say, "nur!" Either he'll nurse standing up for a few seconds, or I'll lift him up in my lap, and he'll kick his legs around while he nurses. After he's done, he pulls my shirt back down (he just started doing that for me), and then he'll toddle off and play.

Update April 3, 2000: Ellen went a couple days without asking to nurse. Then she finally asked, but I was on the phone--and I thought maybe she just wanted me to get off the phone--so I got off the phone instead of nursing her, and she didn't ask again that day. She did, however, ask to nurse the next day. . . she remembered that she hadn't nursed the day before. Then she went a couple days without nursing again. She willingly (happily) nursed when I told her I was full (because Calvin didn't want to nurse). Now she has again gone a couple days without nursing!. . . so I guess she really is on her way to weaning. sigh.

If you are pregnant and nursing (and you have a lot of extra time ;-)), you might like to take a look at the pregnancy journal I wrote when I was pregnant with Calvin. To find our a little bit more about what it's like to tandem nurse, you might like to read the journal that I wrote during the first year of Calvin's life.

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