Me?? An Addict?? Cant be.

04/22/02

My journey begins because I can no longer remember exactly what occured the night before. I kinda remember things but they are fuzzy. My H tells me remember when you called me last night..the email you sent me last night... what was your problem last night, you made no sense. Oh yeah, I remember, kinda. I remember the sadness in my heart. I remember feeling justified. But what I dont remember is what I was mad about or worse what I said. Do I need to apologize?

It scares me that I could be having blackouts? That is something that happens to the extreme people, you know, homeless street people up to doctors. Either you fall in one category or the other. You can not be in the gray area and have blackouts, that is against the law. What about my studies? Does that mean that what I am studying at night is gone? This is scary and I dont like it. I am trying to enter the health profession and I could be in need of it. Who will want to hire a alcoholic nurse? What have I done to my life? What have I done.

It would be so easy to lay the blame on others. When I met my H I drank on the weekends. The truth is the first time he ever touched me was when he was in the women's bathroom (in the resturuant where we both worked) holding my hair out of my tequilla induced puke. What a guy. That is love... please dont think I am being sarcastic. A man, a player, that will walk into a woman's public restroom in front of other women and say, "Hey, Buddy, how ya doin? Not so well, but I can see that you had speghetti for dinner. It is ok, I am here for you." He held my head until I was way past the dry heaves and then insisted on driving me home. I think I knew then that I loved him, only I was too embarrased? too proud? too hurt (previous divorce, less than a year)? to allow my feelings to surface. Can I trust him?

Zoom, Zip, Zowie, (just like on Batman). It is now 16 yrs later. I wonder how I got here, or worse how could I drag you here? So much along the way.

There is too much to write. Too many things that have played a vital role in where we are today. Both of us.

I need to take a break and think. I will write more later. It is nice to knwo that I have once again started the dreaded "journaling", N would be proud.

04/30/02

Well, you are at work and I have just reread what I journaled before. I have been looking for a Chrisian 12-step program. I called a few churches but they had no answers for me not even phone numbers. So I looked in the yellow pages under alcohol abuse. There is AA. I guess that is what I will try.

Trying to get the nerve to walk into a meeting. Alone. hmmm.... will I find that courage? I will have to. It is my fault that I am like this. I knew that I could be prone to addiction. And yet I allowed myself to come here, to this point.

I did go to the doctor and start the process. He put me on Revia. A drug that slows the receptors. So my body doesnt process the alcohol like it should. This should take away the pleasure that alcohol brings me. It is one small step. It is because I have drank 6-7 drinks a day for I dont know how many years. If I was to just stop, I could go into severe detox. So my dr reasoned that this drug will help me cut back to a safe consumption so that I may quit with out the severe side effects. I have 3 weeks.

11/2/02

Well, here I am 6 months later. I have been sober 49 days. I tried before and lasted a few weeks. I thought I could control it. Only drink "near-beer". But the truth is that once I had a drink, I drank and drank until I reached a certain plateu. This time I am trying to do it differently. There is a website that I signed up for. Sober24. There is a message board to post frustrations and questions. The people there are very welcoming. The site offers online meetings. I like that. They are all listed East Coast time, so it is a little hard for me to attend them, but there is usually someone sitting in the 'cafe' that is willing to help. It is nice to know that no matter what time of the day it is there is someone who understands what I feel.

8/30/04

Wow! What a rollercoaster my life has taken. My drinking had gotten so out of control that my H threatened to take my children and leave me. He called me on December 1, 2003 and told me that the kids and been emailing him telling him how scared they were to be home alone with me. I wasnt doing anything dangerous, it was just that my MPD/DID would manifest itself tenfold when I drank. My children are not aware of my MPD/DID and were thoroughly confused by my behavior. It was that night that my H (who works many miles away from home, for weeks at a time) informed me that I do something or I would force his hand into doing something that he truely did not want to do.

Clear back in 2002 I had searched on the internet for AA (alcoholics Anonymous) and had printed a schedule of the meetings in my town. For 2 years I carried that schedule in my truck. I would glance at it once in awhile and scoff, "I didn't have a drinking problem". Now, sobbing, ashamed, dejected and suicidal I reached for that schedule.

On Dec. 2, 2003 I walked into my first AA meeting. I was expecting a bunch of drunks sitting around whining about how fucked their lives are now that they cant drink. I sat right next to the door and didnt dare move not even to get coffee. I wanted a cup very bad. I was so ashamed I couldnt look any one in the eye. They asked if there were any newcomers with less than 30 days sobriety to introduce themselves by their first names, so that others may reach out to them. For the first time in my life I said, "my name is kimber, and I'm an alcoholic". The flood gates opened in my soul and a tremendous wail screamed thru my heart, but not a tear was shed. The whole room of 30-40 people said in unison, "hello kimber, welcome!".

There is something healing about saying the actual words. Hearing the words outloud. For 30 days in a row I said, "my name is kimber and I am an alcoholic" and for 30 days I heard, "hello kimber, Welcome!". I told them I felt like I was in "Cheers" (which is funny, because that is a bar). For 90 days I sat and listened to words of encouragement, strength and hope. I heard stories of what people used to be like, and what they are like now.

I began working the 12 steps and continued to attend meetings. My life has changed!!! My H loves me again, he has no desire to leave, my children no longer wonder what is wrong with their mom, I have graduated from college and am working at a job I love!! I will be sober 9 months on 9/2/04.

If someone had told me this is what my life would have been like back in December I never would have believed it. I was ready to die. The pain in my heart and the pain I was causing those I love was too much. I thought death was the only way out. But because of AA and my God I have a new life, not pain free, but not suicidal. I now have the tools to handle situations that used to baffle me. I am amazed and I am not even half way thru. I know a new freedom and a new happiness. I do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. No matter how far down the scale I have gone I can see how my experience can benefit others.

If you "think" you have a drinking problem, attend an AA meeting. It is a program of attraction not promotion. Allow yourself to just go and listen.