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Just what are boundaries? What do they look like? How do they feel? What purpose could they serve in my life? If I have boundaries won't that make me selfish, or uncaring towards others? What do I do if someone doesn't like my boundaries? These are questions that I have encountered when trying to teach others about boundaries.
I feel the first step in learning about boundaries is to become a child again. Think of a toddler, just discovering the world around them. When something doesn't feel right they say "no". It is a simple statement. It requires no explanations. Saying "no" does not cause guilty feelings. In fact, it evokes just the opposite, it tends to cause an empowering feeling, a sense of independence. Childhood abuse, whether verbal, physical or emotional can override this natural response. Sexual abuse robs the child of many boundaries, thoughts, feelings and action. The abuse, sends a message that the child has no right to the thoughts and feelings they are experiencing. In response, the child will shut them down and not listen to the natural response. Thus, having to "relearn" later in life when it requires much more work.
As we look at the toddler and how deeply the natural boundary issues can be damaged; it is understandable why as adults we have a hard time breaking through this pattern that has been ingrained since our earliest years. It is understandable why when as adults these same children attend therapy and struggle to regain the sense of independence they should have had as a child.
Christ encourage us to become as a small child (Mt 18:3). He wanted us to humble ourselves and be able to learn from the start. His desire is for us to have peace, joy and life. As we study His Word, we discover that is exactly what he had in mind when He tells us to in Gal 6:4 "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."
In this statement we find the first call of boundaries. We are responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Period. When it comes down to a crunch and you are feeling guilty, manipulated or shamed, stop and ask yourself, "What am I trying to take responsibility for?" If it does not fall into one of the three categories listed above; then you have a choice whether to accept the job. You should not feel any sense of guilt or anger about accepting the responsibility. If we look at 2 Corn 9:7 we find; "Each man should give, not reluctantly or under compulsion. For God loves a cheerful giver." This verse does not only apply to just money but also to everything we give; time, wisdom, love, friendship, help.
Christ our Creator knows that when we give (whatever we give) if we give out of a sense of guilt or from being pressured it will cause anger to grow inside our spirits. This anger if not dealt with properly turns into depression. Remember, depression in anger turned inwards. This can happen by; not speaking up when you are angry, holding anger in or by misdirecting anger at yourself when others were in the wrong.
Anger is God's gift to help us stay safe. Anger is the warning bell that alerts us to a problem that needs to be confronted. It tells us when our boundaries are being crossed. When we start to view anger as an Ali instead of as the enemy that needs to be quenched then we can get down to the work of setting and maintaining boundaries.
How do I go about setting and maintaining boundaries when I don't know what they are? This is where a good therapist or peer counselor would come into the picture. It would be their job to point out where boundaries are being crossed and suggest some solutions to help build healthy safe boundaries.
Mary sat on the couch in my office telling me about her husband Mark. They had been married 10 years and it was wonderful. "Well, except for his drinking" she admitted. "He tends to drink all the time. At first it was once in awhile, and I didn't mind." She took a deep breath. "But, lately, it is more and more I don't know what to do to make him stop. I have tried everything. I thought maybe, I had missed something I was doing to help him. That is why I'm here. His drinking is disrupting the whole house. The kids are becoming more aware of what is going on. What can I do?"
Put yourself in Mary's position, what is the first question you should ask yourself? Does this fall into the three categories; my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. No, it is Mark's thoughts, feelings and actions. Basically, all Mary can do is be responsible for her own three. Craziness erupts when she tries to take responsibility for Marks'.
Let's break it down a little further. Her thoughts are: she is worried that Mark drinks too much, that it is effecting the kids and she feels he should stop. Her feelings are: scared, worried, angry, helplessness. Her actions: well that is where the boundaries come in at. Can she stop him from drinking? No, but she can ask that he not drink in front of her and the kids. That if he insist on continuing to drink that he not come home drunk or drinking.
Her boundary is, "I don't like it when you drink and if you continue to drink I will choose not to be around you." So, she is putting the responsibility back onto Mark where it belongs. It is now his choice to either drink and be alone or not drink and be with his family.
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