Two men are standing by a hole looking down and wondering how deep it is.   One drops a rock in to see how deep it is, and they hear nothing.   "We must need something bigger" said the other man.   So he gets a bigger rock and drops it down the hole.   Again they hear nothing.   The first man looks around and sees a auto transmission laying over by some bushes and says "I bet this will do", and he proceeds to throw it into the hole.    Soon after they hear rustling going on in the bushes and a billie goat comes runnin by them and jumps in the hole.    Looking at each other in confusion they hear more rustling coming thru the bushes and out walks a man.  "has anyone seen my goat?" the man from the bushes says.     "Yes" the other two men said, "he just went runnin by us and jumped in this hole!!"    "Thats impossible" the man from the bushes says, "i had him tied to a transmission!!"
 
 

 A Lady goes to the doctor and says,  "Doctor, i hurt all over!"   The doctor says, "well, show me where."    She proceeds to touch her shoulder, "OUCH!!     right there" and she touches her knee, "And that really hurts too!!!!"   and she touches her chin, "And that really hurts!!!"  the doctor looks at her and says...."Lady, are you a natural blonde????    You have a broken finger!!!!!!!"

no offense meant to blondes....i just write them as i get them
 
 

 Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

 Women's version:
 ---------------------------

 Woman2:  Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

 Woman1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gaveme the mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffylooking?

 Woman2:  Oh no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get myhair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'mpretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

 Woman1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - thatwould look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that
 except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

 Woman2:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

 Woman1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love tohave your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?  If I had
 your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

 Men's version:
  ----------------------

 Man2:    Haircut?
 Man1:    Yeah.
 
 

The Talking Frog
================

     A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to himand said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smartand brave you are and how you are my hero"  The man took thefrog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn meback into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companionfor an entire week."  The man took the frog out of his pocket,

     The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back intoa princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

     Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'ma beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and doanything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

     The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't havetime for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 

Did you hear the one about the minister that went to go see the
lady?
He sat there and talked to her, saw a bowl of peanuts and asked:  "do
you mind if i have some peanuts?
She said:  "that would be fine"
They talked and before he knew it he had eaten all the peanuts.
He said:  "im sorry, i ate all of your peanuts"
She said:  "thats okay,  since i lost all my teeth,  all i can do is
suck off all the chocolate anyway"
 

      For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, facedeach other in a city park, until one day an angel came down fromHeaven.

     "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both  to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

      The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed forthe bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

      "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winkingknowingly.

      Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the malestatue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down andI'LL poop on its head."
 

Remember the old adage, "Out of the mouth of babes...."
Well here is a list of quotes/answers to questions on science exams
given to 11 year olds : -

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water."

"H2O is hot water, because of the H, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in
one second"

"Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction."

"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
into a sun in the daytime."

"A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which
there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
 

One day, a married couple bore twin sons.  They couldn't afford to keep them,however, so they put them up for adoption.  One of the boys went to a Spanishfamily and was named Juan.  The other son went to an Egyptian family and was named Amal.
    Some years later, Juan became curious about his real parents.  Afterresearching and finally locating them, he sent them a nice letter and apicture of himself.  Upon receiving the picture, the original mother said"I'm so glad that he's happy.  And what a wonderful picture.  I wish we had a picture of Amal.  I wonder what he looks like."

 And her husband turned to her and said, "I wouldn't worry about it.When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 1.  How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
        Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

 2.  How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
       None.  God has predestined when the lights will be on.

 3. How many Baptists or Brethren does it take to change a light bulb?
      CHANGE??????

 4. How many neo-evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
       No one knows.  They can't tell the difference between light anddarkness

 5. How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
      Ten.  One to change the bulb and one to pray against the spirit ofdarkness.

 6. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donationtoday.

 7. How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take tochange a light bulb?
       Only one because anymore would be a compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

 8. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
      At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists.  Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

 9. How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
      None.  They always use candles.

 10. How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
      One, But all those around can warm up to its glowing.

 11. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
      Ten.  One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

 12. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
      We choose not to make a statement of either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.  However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine.  You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulbSunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three way, long lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

 13. How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
      We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source.  It is, rather by faith, not by our own efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Of course, the room is still dark.

 14. How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
      Only one.  But he has to write a prayer letter about it afterwards.

 15. How many Bible Church pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
     Only one.  But it takes a week of hard research doing a word study and grammatical comparison in every version of the Bible.
 

One day at the end of class, little Billy's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of  that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first  volunteer to tell their story.

 Little Suzy raises her hand.   "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the  truck  and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday we  hit a  big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."  teacher asks for the moral of the story.
 Suzy replies, "Don't keep  all your  eggs in one basket."

 Next is little Bobby.   "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken  eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only 8 of
the 12 eggs  hatched.   " Teacher asks for the moral of the story.  Bobby
replies, "Don't count your  eggs before they're hatched."

 Last is little Billy.   "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war.  His plane
was shot down over  enemy  territory.  He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer,  a  machine gun, and a machete.  On the way down he
drank the case of  beer.  Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100Vietnamese soldiers.

He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out  his machete and killed 20 more.  The blade on his machete broke, sohe
 killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.  Billy replies,"Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
 

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.   They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may
accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help.Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream ? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget ?"

"Nonsense," said the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream !"

"Well," said the wife. "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that !"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write that down now.   You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream,
strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.   The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast ?"
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and it was good.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Bill Clinton: I am the President of the United States. Therefore, I am immune from having to answer that question.

Hilary Clinton: I wondered where my husband went.

Al Gore: That's where the contributions were.

Ted Kennedy: Because I didn't run him over.

George Bush: What chicken?

The ACLU: The chicken's civil rights were violated.

Pete Wilson: We didn't have enough crossing guards.

The National Enquirer: Where are the pictures of the chicken?

Rush Limbaugh: I TOLD you the chicken would cross the road.

Howard Stern: Let me undress the chicken, and I will tell you.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when  it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.  The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I have a dream...a world in which all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives questioned.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. In fact, it was probably snowing, and the road was uphill...

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

O.J. Simpson: The DNA evidence on the other side of the road doesn't matter. The chicken didn't cross. It was sleeping.

"Marvelous" Marv Albert: Nobody caught him!!! YES!!! He made it!!! YES!!!

Homer Simpson: MMMMMMMMM. Chiiiiiickeeeeennnnn!!!

Robert Stack, from Unsolved Mysteries: And to this day, nobody knows why the chicken crossed, or the chicken's current wherabouts. If you have any information about this mystery, please call the 800 number on your screen.

William Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross. That was the question. Whether 'twas nobler....

Charles Dickens: It was the best of roads. It was the worst of roads.

Neitszche: The chicken was part of a super breed.

Kierkegard: The chicken didn't merely cross. It took a blind leap of faith.

John Paul Sartyr: The whole question makes me sick. Having pondered this
question, I figure that I am better off dead.

College philosophy textbook: If nobody saw the chicken cross, did it make any noise?

Thomas Edison: Because it didn't have a telephone.

Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson: Because white chickens can't jump.

Clint Eastwood: I told him to go ahead, make my day.

J. Edgar Hoover: He was up to fowl play.

Douglas MacArthur: The chicken was a communist.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended
it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?