Theoretical physicists announced last week that they have worked  out a way - at least on paper - that would allow faster than light travel, or 'warp speed' as it is known to the fans of Star Trek.

While the theory appears to contradict Einstein's General Relativity, which states that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, the physicists claim that their method uses obscure properties of the space-time continuum, 'expanding' the space in front of the traveler, while 'compressing' the space behind - pushing the traveler along at speeds far greater than the speed of light, while the traveller himself doesn't actually travel faster than light, thus not breaking the Einsteinian limit.  General Relativity doesn't preclude space itself being 'compressed' or 'expanded' faster than the speed of light.

The scientists did admit that there are "two small problems" with their theory, the first being that the process would most likely compress the traveller and his ship to the density of a black hole;
and second, that the energy required to achieve warp speeds would be equivalent to "ten billion times the mass of the entire Universe."

Congress today, stating that their very election proves the average American voter has, "already demonstrated a denseness near that of a black hole", began work on allocating funds from the huge budget surplus to funding the matter necessary for the experiment.

 "But these are days of frugality and caution" stated Senator Merkin Swiver (N-FE), "We cannot do this alone.  We expect a partnership with the private sector."

When asked for his comment on the proposed plan, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates said "I suppose we could do our part by donating a printout of the source code for Windows 98 - more than our part, actually. But it won't come cheap.  I would expect at the very least the following concessions from the American people:  First, Paramount Studios will re-edit every episode of Star Trek, replacing Captain Kirk with my image; and second, you will accept me as a god."

In a separate announcement, Gates today revealed that Microsoft has acquired every church on the planet, the Vatican, Utah, and Heaven.  Business analysts expect that there will be "some upper management lay-offs." in the newly purchased Microsoft subsidiaries.