JOKE ROOM

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.

This is the fourth time this month and I'm
getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three.
You only get one wish

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,

"I've always wanted to go to Hawaii
but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii
so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible.

Think of the logistics of that!
How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete...how much steel!

No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.

My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women...
know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment...

know why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say nothing...
know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day I went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine,until the horse started bouncing out of control.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things couldn't get any worse,
my foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, I fell head first to the ground.
My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness,
the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

MEN/WOMEN

SUCCESS:
> A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

STYLE:
> Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MONEY MANAGEMENT:
>A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
> A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

HAPPINESS:
>To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
>To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
>Men marry because they are tired.
>Women marry because they are curious.
> Both are disappointed.

MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MEMORIES:
>A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
>A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
>There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
>Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
> - One is to let her think she is having her own way.
> - The other is to let her have it.

LONGEVITY:
>Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MISTAKES:
>Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

THE BATTLE:
>A woman always has the last word in any argument.
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I TOOK HIM BACK TO WAL-MART

> > My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
> Why I married him, I'll never know.
> For all those miserable years I said
> My hubby has got to go!

> Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
> Salting his pork chops with lime.
> Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
> Even though playing with fire is a crime.

> But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
> Of a way that would set me free!
> I got rid of him for good and, know what?
> They couldn't do a thing to me!

> I took him back to Wal-Mart!
> They'll take anything back you know!
> They said they couldn't recall selling him,
> But they must have if I said so.

> They just credited him to my Visa and said,
> "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
> They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
> I'll take back his mother next year!

> They'll take anything back at Wal-Mart,
> Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
> And know what else? This time of year
> You don't even need a receipt!
> ~author unknown

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

> >> 1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
> >> 2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
> >> 3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
> >> 4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
> >> 5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
> >> 6. Both want dominance.
> >> 7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
> >> 8. Both chase cars
> >> 9. The larger ones tend to drool.
> >> 10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

> >> 1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
> >> 2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
> >> 3. You can train a dog.
> >> 4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
> >> 5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
> >> 6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
> >> 7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
> >> 8. Dogs are color blind.
> >> 9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come > >> inside.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

> >> 1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for > >> directions.
> >> 2. Dogs like beer.
> >> 3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
> >> 4. Dogs don't criticize.
> >> 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point > >> across.
> >> 6. Dogs never expect gifts.
> >> 7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
> >> 8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
> >> 9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a > >> day.
> >> 10. Dogs don't cry.
> >> 11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
> >> 12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
> >> 13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later
> >>you are, the more excited they are to see you.
> >> 14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
> >> 15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
> >> 16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
> >> 17. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
> >> 18. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
> >> 19. A dog's parents never visit.



>

Support Staff

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains.
He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "Is there more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras
in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type,
the Salvation Army type
and the Baptist type.
Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked
"What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded
"It is all really quite simple-
The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

AGE>

> >As a 100 year-old man was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman,
"it's not just one car,
it's hundreds of them!

SIGNS OF AN AGING BABY-BOOMER

> You can live without sex but not without glasses.
> Your back goes out more than you do.
> You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
> You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
> You are proud of your lawn mower.
> Your best friend is dating someone half their age...
and isn't breaking any > laws.
> Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
> You sing along with the elevator music.
> You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
> You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
> You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
> You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
> You make an appointment to see the dentist.
> You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
> Neighbors borrow your tools.
> People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
> You have a dream about prunes.
> You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
> You send money to PBS.
> The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
> You take a metal detector to the beach.
> You wear black socks with sandals.
> You know what the word "equity" means.
> You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
> You talk about "good grass"
and you're referring to someone's lawn.
> You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
> You got cable for the weather channel.
> You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

ICE FISHING>

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool,
she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a thermos of cappuccino,
and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried,
moved way down to the opposite end of the ice,
set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,

"Is that you, Lord?"


The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"

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