Subject: The difference between Men and Women
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Date: Friday, February 14, 1997
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A SMU
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today
we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
***************************************************
At first, Laurie couldn't
decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that
he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His
possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl
Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into
his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
----------------------------------------------------------------
But
before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings
for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. "Congress passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie
read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She
stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become
a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to
live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the
hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after
the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,
in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam,
felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
This is absurd. I refuse to continue
this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.
----------------------------------------------------------------
You total $*&.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Stupid %?$!.
|