Written By Kenneth Kinder

Aunt Bea has been staying with us for a few day’s, and during this visit we have discussed many subjects. I don’t recall exactly what got me on the subject of my maternal grandparents; but that is where it landed. My grandparents did have proper names, (Henry and Mary) but we usually referred to them as Granny Grunt and Hee-Haw. Granny grunt because she was always grunting and groaning about some illusive pain that never materialized into a treatable ailment, and hee-haw because of a story he used to tell my oldest sister Firelan when she was a little child. It was a story about this donkey and some of the things it would do that eventually resulted in her being tickled and grand dad saying hee-haw hee-haw several times until the name stuck.

I was recalling some of the memories of these two wonderful people and some of their strange habits. They would prefer living out in the woods under adverse conditions than in a house with all the modern conditions and amenities. I was telling Bea that world war 2 had been going on for two whole years before they knew about it’s existence. They were back in the woods with out any connection to the outside world except their battery operated radio, and their beloved boss-man. The radio was only used twice a week. They would listen to the LONE RANGER and I LOVE A MYSTERY. So you were not going to get any news on these programs. My folks hadn’t told them about the war to save them needless worry. How they did discover the war was indeed a humorous situation. The boss man had stopped by granny grunts cabin to get her grocery list. It was my grand parents habit to make a list for the boss man to purchase staples from the market in Santa Rosa to supplement the food they could not produce or grow.

She thought it would be a good outing for myself and her to go with the boss man into Santa Rosa as it had been years since she had been to town. While we were shopping at the market the sirens in town began screaming and people began running in all directions. Granny asked the clerk what is going on? He replied this is a practice air-raid alert. She then asked, practice for what? He replied incase the enemy attacks. What enemy she asks? Lady he say’s where have you been for the past two years? We have been at war with the Germans, Italians, and Japanese for over two years and these alerts are to get us ready to defend ourselves. Shortly there after the sirens blew once again to sound the all clear signal. All the towns people came out and returned to what they had been doing, when granny still in a state of shock gave me the grocery list and said you had better do the shopping son. Well I bought nothing but sweet things such as candy, marshmallows, cereal, etc. Turning a 12 year old loose with a carte blanche shopping list is equivalent to sending a drunken sailor to a cat house with a credit card. The next day the boss man went back to town and bought the groceries we needed. Prior to this time, my grandparents never had a worry in the world. After that every time they heard the leaves rustle, or a strange sound in the woods they just knew it was the enemy had arrived and were ready to attack. Life was never as peaceful and quiet at our Waltons Mountain after this incident. I hope my grand children have as much fun with their grand parents , as I had during my lifetime with my Granny Grunt and Hee- Haw. This was one of the last summers that I spent at this particular home they shared in the woods past a little place called Occidental. The cabin they lived in was void of running water, electricity, indoor plumbing and any-thing that resembled modern living.

It was here at this place that granny taught me and my brother Neal the manly art of smoking a corn cob pipe. My mother would have had a fit had she known, but after the evening meal we would sit out on the porch and all of us would light up and puff away. I have to confess it was much better than smoking dried leaves or dried grapevine. These items would let the flame through the stem or vine and really burn your mouth. My folks had a wicker chair on the front porch of our house in Tracy, and Neal and I would break off a piece of this chair light up and smoke away. It finally got to the point that we had smoked so much of that chair it was dangerous to sit in. I don’t think mom ever realized what had happened to her chair.

It was also at this place that granny was Dr. Quinn medicine woman. She had so many home remedies that she could have hung out her shingle. On one occasion I had a good dose of worms, and I don’t recall what granny put down my throat but I will never forget what she used on the other end. I could have been the great white hope at track had there been a witness to my speed on one warm afternoon. Granny had just given me the internal medication, and she then had me drop my shorts, bend and grab the ground when she applied this mixture of grease and turpentine to her index finger and liberally lubricated the inside of my rectum that I was gone faster than a speeding bullet. Who needs steroids when you have hemorrhoids laced with turpentine Like I said if I had a witness with a timepiece that could clock the speed of light, I know I broke all of Jesse Owens records that night. Granny’s pharmacy didn’t consist of much; but she really made do with what she had. Gun-powder and ashes wrapped in a piece of fat meat would really make a dog vicious and good for guarding. A deep cut from a glancing blow made by an axe was soaked in kerosine until the blood coagulated. Your shoe turned upside down under your bed cured a tooth-ache. Our bath tub was a large round metal vessel that was normally used to wash clothes. We would fill this tub with water heated on the wood burning stove every Saturday night. All of us would bathe in the same water, only one at a time. I always got to bathe first. After our bath we would have a smoke on our pipe and most of the time a special dessert.

We usually would go to bed while the sun was high in the sky, because we would arise very early in the morning long before daybreak. The reason for rising so early was to do all the morning chores, feed the live stock,cow’s, chickens, pigs, horses etc. Then we would milk the two cows, gather the eggs, and while Hee-Haw was doing this Granny was making biscuits, bacon and eggs, fried chicken, hotcakes and heaven knows what else. This was the biggest meal of the day, and after we ate breakfast granny would pack a big sack lunch for us to take to the woods where Hee-Haw would with his hand cross-cut saw, sledge and wedges, and double bladed axe. Fall, buck limbs, cross-cut, split , and stack a cord of wood a day and then go home and repeat most of the morning chores one more time that evening. For cutting this cord of wood he woud get if I remember correctly $4.00 cash money. He never paid any income tax in his life, he was strictly cash and carry. One evening while the sun was still high in the sky, a stranger came wandering through the woods and approached the cabin. He introduced himself and then made the statement, you folks go to bed pretty early don’t you. Hee-Haw replied no, sometimes we stay up as late as 7.30 pm.

Another plus to living back there was the schooling. I never attended this school but I had the privilege to visit more than once. Most people probably won’t be able to visualize or associate with a one room school first to eighth grade with one teacher and eighteen students; but it beats thirty two students to a classroom and lack of control by a lot of the teachers. This one person not only taught all grades but also cooked the soup or pot of beans that was the major nutrition for the day. My Army buddie Joe Cook happens to own one of these one room school houses. It was situated on a piece of land that he owns and farms in Nebraska, and it no longer is used for teaching but is I believe a pro shop for the golf course across the road. A lot of the best leaders to ever rule our country were educated in one room schools.

Granny Grunt and Hee-Haw died at a very early age due to hard work and a poor diet. Hee-Haw was 96 and Granny Grunt was 94 when they passed on, so I am hoping to have a bit of their genetic code in my genes. I hope you live for ever and I am able to bury you. Pictured,are in back,Hee Haw, Granny Grunt and my dad in the rocker. In front is my cousin Paul, my brother Neal and me (circa 1940)