~Funnies~

(Humor)

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~

A lot of people pack up their troubles....

and send them off to summer camp !!

( I assume that this means sending your "kids" off to camp ! )

~~~

~~~

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,

but it will annoy enough people

to make it worth the effort!

~~~

 

 

~~~

Another brilyunt mind diztroyed 

by the publik edukashun sistum.

~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~

Dear God,

Thanks for the pretty face,

but the fat ass hasta go..!!

~~~

(Mark Twain)

~~~

"Dijon vu"

That's when your fondest memories don't cut the mustard.

~~~

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy"

until you can find a rock.

                                                       (Will Rogers)

~~~

 

~~~

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,

because you are crunchy and

taste good with ketchup.

~~~

Do not walk behind me,

for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me, either.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE !

~~~

Don't go to a Doctor

whose office plants have died...

~~~

Don't let your mouth write a check

that your butt cannot cash !

~~~

Don't piss me off.

I'm running out of places 

to hide the bodies.

~~~

Don't sweat the petty things 

and don't pet the sweaty thing !!

~~~

Don't tell me that worrying doesn't help.

All the things I worry about never happen.

~~~

Don't walk behind me....your not my slave.

Don't walk next to me....we aren't equal.

But PLEASE walk in front of me....cause damn...you have a nice a**.

~~~

~~~

Due to recent cutbacks, 

the light at the end of the tunnel

has been turned off

until further notice !

~~~

 

 

~~~

Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, 

wealthy and boring !!

~~~

 

 

~~~

Even though the tongue weighs practically nothing; 

it's surprising how few are able to hold it.

~~~

 

 

~~~

Follow your dream!

Unless it's the one where you're at work 

in your underwear during a fire drill.

~~~

 

 

 

~~~

God made just so many perfect heads....

he rest he covered with hair.

~~~

GONE FISSION....!

(sign seen posted on the cubicle of a nuclear physicist while gone on a fishing trip)

~~~

 

~~~

Hear no evil,

see no evil, 

speak no evil,

have no fun.

~~~

(This was sent by a visitor to this website...they saw this saying

on a license plate frame)

~~~

~~~

 

~~~

How long a minute depends on 

what side of the bathroom door you're on.

~~~

 

 

 

 

 

~~~

I don't look for trouble...

it finds me !

~~~

 

 

 

~~~

I have a photographic memory.

Unfortunately, it no longer offers

same day service.

~~~

I have a problem with furniture....

My chest has fallen into my drawers...!!!

~~~

~~~

I have kleptomania. 

But whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.

~~~

I  know you're out of here

but are you leaving?

~~~

I like your approach not let's see your departure.

~~~

I love you more than yesterday. 

Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

~~~

I need someone really bad....

Are you really bad???

~~~

 

~~~

I shop like a bull...

I charge everything !!

~~~

I suffer from insanity and enjoy every minute of it !

~~~

I take life one step at a time....

unless the dog's been in the yard !

~~~

I think I'm lost

but I'm making record time !!

~~~

 

 

 

 

~~~

If a man is alone in the woods and speaks, 

and there is no woman to hear him,

 is he still wrong??

~~~

If being an idiot hurt,

you'd be in constant pain !

~~~

~~~

If I were any lazier,

I'd slip into a coma !

~~~

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Then throw the lemonade back at life

and steal the oranges you asked for

in the first place !

~~~

 

 

~~~

~~~

If Noah would have been truly wise...

he would have swatted those two flies.

~~~

If nobody knows the trouble you've seen, 

you don't live in a small town.

~~~

If some people said what they thought,

they'd be speechless!

~~~

~~~

If the grass isn't greener on the other side

send your dog over to fertilize it !

~~~

~~~

If you are there before it's over,

you're on time !

~~~

 

~~~

If you can't blind them with science,

baffle them with "Bull Dust" ...!!

~~~

If you can't say anything good about anyone....

come sit next to me !

~~~

 

~~~

If you have trouble going to sleep at night....

Lie at the very edge of the bed....you'll soon drop off!

~~~

If you love something set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back,

it was never yours to begin with.

 

But, if it just sits in your living room,

messes up your stuff, eats your food,

uses your telephone, takes your money

and doesn't appear to realize that you 

had set it free.....

You either married it or gave birth to it !!

~~~

If you think no one cares about you,

 try missing a couple of payments.

~~~

If you'll regret it in the morning....

sleep late !!

~~~

If your nose runs and your feet smell...

you're probably built upside down.

~~~

 

~~~

I'm an excellent housekeeper. 

Every time I get a divorce, 

I keep the house. 

                            (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

~~~

I'm an angel ...HONEST!!

The horns are there to keep the halo straight!

~~~

~~~

I'M LOST...I have gone to look for myself. 

If I should return before I get back,

please tell me to wait.

~~~

I'm not cheap,

but I am on special this week.

~~~

I'm not going to worry unless the animals start lining up 

two by two for the next space shuttle.

~~~

~~~

I'm not really brilliant...

It's just that my friends are stupid !

~~~

I'm out of bed and I'm dressed...what more do you want?

~~~

~~~

I'm not going to worry unless 

the animals start lining up two by two

for the next space shuttle.

~~~

~~~

In order to lose one's mind....one 

must have one to lose!

~~~

Into every life some rain must fall.

Usually when your car windows are down.

~~~

It is better to have loved and lost

than to be stuck with a jerk.

~~~

It's always darkest before dawn.

So, if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,

that's the time to do it !

~~~

 

 

 

 

~~~

K.I.S.S.

~~~

Kids in the back seat cause accidents...

AND accidents in the back seat cause kids !

~~~

~~~

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast...

The mime next door went nuts !!

~~~

Laugh and the world laughs with you....

Snore and you sleep alone...

~~~

~~~

~~~

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why...some people appear bright

until you hear them speak.

~~~

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept

the things I can not change,

the courage to change things I can,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies

of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

~~~

~~~

 

My husband said if I go out shopping one more time 

he is gonna leave me. 

Lordy, I'll miss that man !

~~~

 

~~~

Never argue with an idiot...

people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

~~~

 

~~~

On this site in 1897...nothing happened...

But yesterday....all heck broke loose...!!

~~~

Once you get a mouthful of hot coffee,

whatever you do next is going to be wrong.

~~~

One advantage of talking to yourself

is that you know at least somebody is listening !

~~~

Our motto: 

" If it ain't broke, keep fixin' it till it is! "

 

 

~~~

~~~

      Please Lord...let me prove to you 

that winning the lottery won't spoil me!

~~~

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. 

They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

~~~

 

 

 

~~~

~~~

Reach for the Stars,

Reach for the Moon,

Reach for my *** again

and you'll be outta here Soon!

~~~

 

(this was a saying painted on top of a custom

coffin in Ontario, Canada)

~~~

Right now, I'm having amnesia and dejavu' at the same time....

I think I've forgotten this before.

~~~

~~~

Roses are Red,

Violets are Blue,

I am schizophrenic,

And I am too !

~~~

Save the Whales.

Collect the whole set !~!

~~~

~~~

She who wants a knight in shining armor....

must clean up after the horse.

~~~

~~~

~~~

Some relatives are like fires...

The sooner they're out...

the better !

~~~

~~~

Someday your ship will come in,

but you'll be at the airport.

~~~

Sometimes I feel like life is a black tie affair

and all I've got in my wardrobe is T-shirts !

~~~

Squeeze me real hard...

I'm real good under pressure !!

~~~

Star light,

Star bright,

Where the hell is Mr. Right ??

~~~

 

~~~

Stress:  that confusion created

when the mind must override

the body's basic desire

to choke the living crap

out of some idiot

who desperately needs it !!

~~~

Stupid people should wear signs,

would you like one ?

~~~

~~~

Stupid people use quotes 

to make themselves sound smarter.  

You can quote me on that !

~~~

 

~~~

The early bird may get the worm, 

but the second mouse gets the cheese.

~~~

The journey of a thousand miles

begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

~~~

The perfect Christmas gift for the person

who has everything is a burglar alarm.

~~~

~~~

The statement below is true.

The statement above is false.

~~~

The woman who drives from the backseat...

is no different that the man

who cooks from the dining room table.

~~~

~~~

There are three kinds of people, 

those who can count and those who can't.

~~~

~~~

This house is guarded by a shotgun three nights a week...

You guess which three...!

~~~

Time flies like an arrow,

Fruit flys like a banana.

~~~

TIME WOUNDS ALL HEALS.

~~~

 

 

 

~~~

25% or men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave their house....

99% of men kiss their house good-bye when they leave their wife !!

~~~

We have a magic lawnmower.

Whenever I take it out of the garage,

the kid's disappear !!

~~~

We have used cows for sale !

(this was sent by a friend who saw this sign in a field while he

was driving through Kentucky )

~~~

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?

(I don't know...and I don't care !!)

~~~

What part of no don't you understand?

The "N" or the "O" ?

~~~

When a man steals your wife, 

there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

~~~

When I'm good,  I'm very good.

When I'm bad, I'm sensational !

~~~

When choosing between two evils,

I always like to try

the one I've never tried before.

                                                          (Mae West)

~~~

 

When I die, 

please bury me at Wal-Mart...

at least I know 

my wife will visit me there !!

~~~

When life hands you a lemon....

say, "I like lemons, what else you got?"

~~~

When life throws you a pile,

smile and say "WOW ! Fertilizer !!"

~~~

 

~~~

~~~

When you're swimming in the creek,

and an eel bites your cheek,

that's a moray !

~~~

 

 

~~~

You are slower than a herd of turtles 

stampeding through peanut butter !!

~~~

                                                     ~Steven Wright~

~~~

~~~

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say will be misquoted,

then used against you.

~~~

 

~~~

XNTRUNK

(was seen on a license plate and a tie was hanging out of trunk)

~~~

E-mail me if you have other sayings to add to this page.

Back     Home

updated 3/23/2009

             Every effort has been made to give credit to the authors of the material used on this site.

             Please let me know if an error has been made, and I will gladly make the necessary changes asap. ~Deanie~