A friend of mine has a list of 101 ways to be a real woman. Below is my list of how to be a real man. The longer I live the more that I think of...

Many ways to be a "real guy"

1. Never put the toilet seat down
2. Have a comb over and think that no one can tell that you are losing your hair
3. Screw anything with a hole in the proper place
4. Always be in charge, never listen to anyone else's opinion.
5. Call everyone you know "dude" or "guy"
6. Do what all the other guys do so that you fit in
7. Have "Cops" and "The Simpsons" be priorities in your life
8. On your first date ask if you can stop everything to watch "The Simpsons"
9. Smash beer cans on your forehead to prove that you can't hurt your three remaining brain cells
10. Talk really loud even if no one cares what you are saying
11. Answer questions with "uh huh"
12. Never buy new underwear, no matter how many holes or stains yours have
13. Refer to women as chicks, hoes, or bitches
14. Be sure that your guy friends and beer always come first
15. Never, ever try foreplay, it's for sissy men
16. Talk about your car even if no one cares
17. Never, ever need a woman
18. Don't even like women, just use them for sex and to do your laundry
19. Never remember a girls name, just call her honey or hey
20. Deal with stress by yelling a lot and getting drunk
21. Never ask for directions or admit you are lost
22. Only take a shower once a week
23. Only do laundry when all your underwear are crunchy
24. Never make it in the toilet when you are peeing
25. Name your car and have it be the only female name that you remember
26. Think that "I like you pants, they will look great on my floor" is an original pick up line
27. Make sure that sports rule your life
28. Watch your favorite team constantly
29. When your favorite team isn't playing watch the other games to size up the competition
30. When no professional teams are playing watch the college games to figure out who should be recruited
31. Be sure that you screw anything that you can, but always want to have sex with a virgin
32. Slap your male friends on the ass all the time, and then be homophobic
33. Fear that being gay is contagious
34. Bitch about your woman being fat, even if you are
35. Think that a romantic weekend includes either fish hooks or porno movies
36. Share fart jokes, even if no one wants to hear it
37. Name your dick and act like it has a personality
38. Always end a date with "I'll call you", even if you won't
39. Put empty containers back
40. Never change the toilet paper roll