Terry's 3M's

Fear.

What a small name for such a huge emotion! An emotion that is a reaction a huge number of stimulants. There are over 75 phobias that begin with the letter a!

I don't know if my fears have scientific names or not.

I'll tell you what really scared me...and how I reacted.

She threatened to run away. (As if that ploy hadn't been used by kids from time immemorial.) Why she said that to me was beyond my ken as she only had to put up with me during the daytime--at night, she returned to her dad's apartment. She could have just informed her dad that she no longer wanted to stay with me and requested that he find someone else to watch her.

Late one afternoon, I arrived at my ex's apartment with my son and his half-sister. As soon as he arrived home from work, I would go home and leave him to play daddy with his children.

I had to go to the bathroom. Since the small bath had no window, a fan came on whenever the light was turned on. This makes it difficult to hear what is going on in another room. I think that I took an extra couple of minutes both because I was tired of dealing with the little miss, and because I still hadn't moved all of my stuff out and I wanted to see what I still had left behind under the bathroom cupboard. But, I don't think I was in the bathroom for more than 3 or 4 minutes.

When I came out of the bathroom, the apartment was deserted! It was a two room apartment with a bath and a half--it took all of a minute to search it thoroughly.

I looked on the apartment landings. I ran downstairs and looked up and down the street. (By this time, I couldn't care less what happened to her--but, my 4 year old son was missing.) I checked back at the apartment. I went down the street and checked in the convenience stores on the corners. I glanced through Video Tyme, I checked the apartment grounds and the apartment again. (Do you sense mounting panic and frenzy here?) I went down the driveway and across the street to check the supermarket.

I went back to the apartment. Johnny was there with his father and sis. I collapsed on the couch and hugged my son and rocked my son and cried. Boy, did I ever cry! Not soft sobbing, not silent tears, but, huge chest-heaving sobs. I knew I was scaring Johnny, but, I couldn't stop--for about 5 minutes.

Later, as I reflected on my reaction, I realized that it might not be such a bad thing for Johnny to know how scared I got when he was missing. He'd know better than to take off without letting me know where he was headed. And with only a couple of exceptions, he's been very good about informing me of his whereabouts since then. (Before that day, I would sometimes find myself searching for him--but, I usually had a good idea of where he was before I started the search.)

Oh! Where were they? Their dad had come home and took them for a little visit at a neighbor's apartment. Why they didn't hear me calling their names is still a mystery to me.

In fact, most of my fears center around my kid. Another fear is the fear of going anyplace without him because what if I were in an accident and died? How could I stand dying without seeing him grow up first?

I also have fears about what he will be like when he grows up. Lord knows that I try to be a good mom. I give him tons of hugs and kisses. I lecture him and sometimes punish him when he hits the other kids. I tuck him in at night and I listen to his prayers each night. I encourage his talents and try to minimize his weaknesses. And when he stole some pennies from the office upstairs this past week, I made him write 100 times each--Stealing is wrong. Stealing is a sin.

But, I try not to dwell on the fears. And maybe he'll be alright after all. After all, he did tell me yesterday that he had learned his lesson and he would never steal again.

The kids also came across a dead bird. Johnny said that they put the bird in a plastic bag and buried it. Then they said prayers over the gravesite.

Now, I ask you...Can a kid who prays for the soul of a bird be all bad?