Early on in the pregnancy I was diagnosed with Toxemia Poisoning and my blood pressure was extremely high, which was not a good sign.  However, the doctors were hopeful and so were we.  At about my fourth (4th) month I was put on bed rest and had to be watched closely.  While I didn't have such an easy time of it, I was still excited and so were my parents.  My little bundle of joy was due in December, wow, a Christmas baby.  We wanted to find just the right name for our Christmas present.  I don't remember all the names but we wrote them down as we thought of them and that was exciting also.  One of my younger siblings jokingly asked if we could name him Santa.  :o)

On the morning of Sept 2,  I woke up with a back ache.  At first it was just kinda naggy  but as the day progressed it got worse.  Finally I could not stand the pain and was rushed to the hospital.

The doctors rallied around trying to stop the contractions because it was just too early but were unsuccessful.  Finally they told me my little bundle was on the way and that was not good but with prayer we both would make it.  They really frightened me because they said if they had to make a choice, they would save me.  My parents tried to console me but nothing made sense anymore.

After approximately 30 - 45 minutes after the scare my little boy was born.  He was so beautiful to me but so very tiny.  He only weighed two (2) pounds.  He was made as comfortable as could be in his little glass bubble, his incubator.  There were so many complications, his little underdeveloped lungs, irregular heartbeat and he wasn't strong enough to eat on his own........

Needless to say, we prayed and prayed.  Three weeks after delivery I left the hospital,  without my baby.  He weighed only one (1) pound, 13 ounces that day and labored so hard to breathe.  The doctors insisted I go home because I was very ill myself and I needed to get stronger for myself and for my child.  I cried all the way home and for the next 3 months.  Of course I lived at the hospital.  My sweetie needed me close to him.   Finally at age, 3 months , weighing in at 5 pounds, I got to take him home.  I was overjoyed even though he was very small and still had a hard time breathing.  His lungs had developed but he was diagnosed with Chronic Bronchial Asthma.

My mom was concerned still about his weight so she used some of her, back in the day remedies.  By the time he was 7 months old he weighed close to 20 pounds.  We thanked the Lord that he was a good eater because each time he had an asthma attack he lost weight.  He had many other hardships to get through.  At least one of his lungs would collapse each time he had an asthma attack, he was dyslexic, had a reading disability and was extremely hyper.  He was ADHD, and didn't do well in school, but he had such a pleasing personality.  He was well liked and somehow we got him through elementary school.

Junior High and High School came with their own set of problems and he began having complexes about things, kind a stayed to himself and still suffered with asthma extremely bad.  The doctors prescribed preventives, he took his medication faithfully but still ended up in the hospital with tubes everywhere, oxygen, adrenalin, collapsed lungs and a very weak heart.  Somehow, with much determination,  though it was rough, he would make it through.

The last time I saw him alive was around the second  (2nd) week of July.  He seemed fit as a fiddle.  He said he had not been feeling very good earlier that week but that day he felt fine.  We had a wonderful time but somehow the visit was different.  He never took his eyes off me.  We played a game of horseshoes but for some reason he stuck right up under me.  He was very independent, but this day he was very clingy.  I talked with him on the phone and he said he had patched things up with his dad and he wanted to see me again.  We made a date but I couldn't make it, don't remember why and later on the day of the date he called and he seemed so disappointed that I didn't keep the date.  Of course I apologized and told him I would see him soon.  On the morning of July 31, I got up, set up my work area to sew but some reason I was disoriented.  I just could not get anything to work right so decided this was just not a good day to sew.  Suddenly I became extremely tired but anxious.  My body wouldn't move but my heart was racing like it was a car in the Indy 500 race.  I started to perspire and my sister got me some water.  About that time the phone rang.  I got weak and fell down in my seat.  I don't know how many times the phone rang but finally I answered it.  The voice on the other end asked if I was Kevin Alexander's mom.  I guess I answered yes.  The voice proceeded to say, "I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but.......... I screamed, I fainted, I don't know what I did.  My son had an asthma attack and this time it went into cardiac arrest and they couldn't save him.  I am not sure how I got through the next few days.  My family, my friends-- my Lord?  I was angry with Him.  How could He let this happen.  How could He allow me to bring a child into this world and let him suffer since day one?  How?

There is a period of my life I am not real sure of.  I could remember the doctor saying, although it seemed the voice was very distant,  "You are suffering from Major depression."  Major depression?  What is that?  Will it bring my son back?  I was alone, so alone.  I think I neglected my other children, I was just out of it.  No body knew what I felt, how could they.  I was the only one in the world who had this happen to them, and it was all my fault.  Why would I bring a child into this world when I knew how my life was as a result of Chronic Bronchial Asthma?  Beating myself up for being responsible for my son's life and death kinda made me feel better, for a while anyway.  It was now a way of life for me.  Worse, I did not deserve to live.  I should be in that grave with him.  And now, how could he forgive me?  How could I make him understand I didn't mean it?  But wait!  He wasn't gone so what was I thinking of.  I believed that just any minute I would here him calling, "Mom, I'm home."  I looked for him everywhere I went.  Sometimes I heard him, sometimes I saw him.  He rode in the car with me many times.  Was it a figment of my imagination?  I didn't think so.  I still don't think so.

Well things were getting worse.  I knew how to pray, and I knew that prayer was the key.  But how could I pray when I was so angry with God?  What would I say that would make any kind of sense.  Well it did happened.  One night I refused to say anything to God but I couldn't sleep.  I kept hearing my son say, "Mom, I'm alright.  Don't be mad a God.  I'm safe and He can help you."  I kept trying to push it away but I kept hearing it over and over.  "Don't be mad mom, God loves me." Finally I got down on my knees.  I can't quote verbatim but I just talked to the Lord like He was just another person, like He was my friend I guess.

I will never stop missing my son.  The Lord allowed us to have so many precious moments that I will never forget, his big smiles, the way he walked, the way he talked, his broad shoulders and small waist, his deep dimples, the freckles he hated under his eye, our love for each other, the way he called my name, the way he confided in me, the times we cried together, laughed together, prayed together  -------  Oh I just thank you so much Lord. And I must mention my grand babies he gave to me, Vanessa Rose and Tanysha Renee.  Oh how I love those girls.   Holidays, birthdays, and special occasions bring about sadness but even with that I thank God for my grand babies and the joy they bring me. God gave me back a part of my son I will always be grateful and thankful for.

Thank you Lord

rosie

My Kevin, My Son 

You were loaned to me for a season

I wouldn't trade that for any reason

I'm trying to be strong

Even though you are gone 

And I will never stop loving you.

Just when I think I am strong

Something pulls me back

My heart and my thoughts and my pain are with you

and will follow where ever I go

You are with me forever in a smile and a touch

I don't know a lot but I do know this much;

I will never stop loving you

And I do know that God loved you best

So in Him I want you to rest

Just rest in His arms

I'll try not to morn

And I'll never stop loving you.

He blessed you with two beautiful children

and they are a part of me too.

I treasure each moment I have with them

And I thank God for the gifts He has given

The gift of His Holy Spirit

The gift of all generations

The gift of love

The gift of life

The gift of joy

And 

           the 

                    gift 

                                       of mothering

                                                                   my baby boy.

                                                                                             ~ MoM  9/21/99~

"I will never stop loving you!"