.. The Virginity 'FAQ' HTML Version courtesy of Al (fanta@pooh-bear.com)
Giving The Gift
(aka The Virginity 'FAQ')
Version 1.03A
Jul. 21, 1995
by: Derek J. Wojciech
bz754@cleveland.freenet.edu
http://www.oocities.org/Heartland/Park/6461
This document is Copyright (c) 1995, by Derek J. Wojciech. It is intended for
public use, and may be redistributed freely in its original form.
The purpose of this 'FAQ' (Frequently Asked Questions) was to group together
various questions/comments/experiences on the benefits of virginity (ie
abstinence until marriage.) I felt there was a need to express and record the
many virtues of this lifestyle, and make some type of document widely available
to those seeking answers, advice, guidance and encouragement. I hope those
reading this 'FAQ' will seriously consider all the consequences and
responsibilities ** both good :-) and bad :-( ** relating to relationships
and sexual conduct.
Currently most of the Questions/Answers in this 'FAQ' are indirect translations
of discussions on the subject matter as held on ISCABBS. All the
arguments/recommendations presented in the Answer sections reflect my own
opinion (unless otherwise noted.) I may tend to have a 'first person
male' viewpoint in some discussions. This document has a 'loose' feel to it
as it attempts to echo casual conversation.
Please note:
- The arguments presented contain a good amount of what can
be considered 'subjective' advice and opinion.
- This document discusses some adult-oriented topics.
- This 'FAQ' is not intended as a flame to anyone. It is simply a discourse
of what I believe are some very good rational arguments for virginity
and sexual abstinence.
- There have been no religious arguments used (unless otherwise noted.)
This 'FAQ' definitely has growth potential. Many specifics need to be touched
upon and expounded. However, I believe the 'FAQ' useful in that most of the
'main' questions (at least the ones I've encountered on a regular basis)
regarding sexual conduct, virginity, abstinence, relationships and marriage are
dealt with. I would appreciate any comments, recommendations or
articles/sources/personal testimonies for possible inclusion into this 'FAQ'.
I will respect any person wishing to remain anonymous regarding their
contributions.
Please leave all discussion/disagreements of subjective material to a public
forum such as Usenet or a BBS.
* If you are in need of pregnancy testing, help or counseling, please call the *
* Birthright Toll-free Hotline at 1 800 848 LOVE *
other toll-free numbers
* US Venereal Disease Hotline 1 800 227 8922 *
* AIDS National Hotline 1 800 342 AIDS *
Many thanks to all those who contributed!!!!!! :)
Derek
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'Why would someone wait until marriage to have sex? What benefit is
there? Why is virginity a special gift?'
I'm a virgin, and waiting to share that special gift of human sexuality with
that one person I will commit the rest of my life to in marriage (when and if
:) A strong foundational supports of a marriage is intended to be the
exclusive physical/emotional bond of sexual union. One of the most beautiful
ways I think of saving myself for my future wife is looking at it this way:
I'm going to love her SOOOO much that right now, as I go through life (even
though I don't know for sure who it is I may marry :) I am saving this GIFT.
And I want to give this GIFT only to her, a one of a kind, the most precious
person I will ever meet. And she DESERVES it. That gift I will have hopefully
kept to show her that she is something REALLY, REALLY SPECIAL. And you know
what, I know she will appreciate that with her whole heart. In today's society
it's a rare and unique person who wishes to save that gift of sexual union for
his/her lifetime marriage partner. I would encourage anyone questioning,
feeling the peer pressure, the societal pressure, the boyfriend/girlfriend
pressure, to wait until you both enter that lifetime covenant with each other.
What could be more exciting, more special, more emotional than sharing the
wonders of sex with your one true and dedicated love!?! Think about it. Think
about the future. Think about your future wife or husband. Don't they deserve
your absolute best? It's something that you will remember forever, and what
better way to experience it than in a relationship lasting a lifetime. :)
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'How does one prepare oneself to lose their virginity?
And what can you do to get over being *really* nervous about your
first time?'
Two inter-related questions, dealing with 'losing it.' *Uggh*. What a
horrible term. 'Losing it.' Often popular culture today says 'Go for it,
lose your virginity, you're not a man until you do.' 'Make that conquest.'
That's what it is generally held up to be in today's society. A conquest. A
hurdle. *Uggh*. How many women here would like to volunteer to be a simple
obstacle? I know I'm simplifying things, but anyone with such an attitude and
wanting to/did take advantage of some young lady, in the name of conquest, how
utterly LAME can you get???
Anyway back to the subject. I look at virginity as a gift, to be honorably
saved for that one person you decide to spend your lifetime with (ie marriage
partner.) The greatest emotional/physical treasure a person can GIVE. You
don't take it. You don't lose it. You give it. Isn't that what true love is
about? So how does one prepare oneself? By making that commitment. Realizing
she is sooooooo special that she deserves your ALL. That's your total love,
dedication, commitment. Not cheapened, but in a lifetime covenant. Under this
context what's the reason for being nervous? Should sharing sex with your
husband or wife make you nervous? (of course there's slight nervousness in all
new things, but in marriage there is that security of freedom in commitment
where a couple can share their unbridled love as it is the ALL of
relationships. :)
Now of course we look at stuff that would make anyone nervous in a premarital
sexual encounter. You've heard it all. Pregnancy, AIDs, STDs, broken
relationships, guilt, hurt partners etc...
*** qUoTeS ***
"It is a melancholy fact that [the STD was herpes in this article's case
(but HIV/AIDs or other STD would substitute)] has rekindled old fears. But
perhaps not so unhappily, it may be a prime mover in helping to bring to a
close an era of mindless promiscuity. The monogamous now have one more reason
to remain so. For all the distress it has brought, the troublesome little bug
may inadvertently be ushering in a period in which sex is linked more firmly to
commitment and trust." (Time Magazine) #1
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'My boyfriend and I have been going out for awhile, and there is more
pressure to have sex. He says it will strengthen our relationship and draw
us closer. I have my reservations. I'm not sure what to do???'
Let's define what sex is not: sex is not love.
Let's define what sex is: sex is an expression of love.
What's the one thing that most people are looking for in a relationship?
Intimacy.
A recent survey of 300 women ages 18-60 found that women of all ages want men
with whom they can be close. 'They want intimacy, which is more than just love
and sex.' #2 'Most women interviewed enjoyed hugging, kissing, cuddling,
closeness and conversation as much as intercourse. Overall, intimacy was more
important than orgasm.' #3 According to a popular female teen magazine, most
girls opt for affection over sex. 'Nearly two-thirds feel strongly that
affection is much more important than sex in a relationship and another 29%
agree somewhat. In fact only 1.1% assert that sex is more important.' #4
Intimacy. Someone to talk to. To care for. To be close to. A person who
gives generously. A person who receives generously. It's the assurance that
you can turn to another; whenever, wherever, and for whatever reason. But
does sex create intimacy? No. Sexual activity can inspire a 'sense' of
intimacy during it's duration. But this 'sense' fades quite quickly when there
is no substance to back it up.
Intimacy develops with openness. Communication. Truly revealing your
innermost thoughts and desires to another. This means laying your emotions on
the line; becoming vulnerable. Increasing physical involvement to gain
intimacy just doesn't cut it. 'People who discover this often fail to
recognize what is happening, and instead of giving up the futile search for
intimacy in bed, they intensify it. Time after time they achieve a type of
closeness, and then watch it quickly fade. If this cycle is not broken, they
will become numb to the idea of finding true intimacy. They settle for the
cheap substitute.' #5 The emotional and psychological bond necessary for
intimacy can only be found in the sharing of time, thoughts, and emotions with
one another. In a completely open and transparent framework. This then sets
up the relationship for emotional expression through physical means.
We all want a successful relationship. Where does sex fit in? An article in
'Psychology Today' noted that sex was 'far down the list of reasons for a happy
marriage.' #6 Less than 10% of the individuals with successful marriages
thought good sexual relationships were important in keeping their marriage
together. Research data revealed, in this study of some 300 couples married
more than fifteen years, that sex is not the key to a happy, fulfilled
marriage. #6
What is the key? The top two reasons given by both sexes as to why their
marriage kept going were the same: #6
1) My spouse is my best friend.
2) I like my spouse as a person.
Sex is intended to be an expression of intimacy and closeness that already
exists within a couple. It's a sharing of one's most precious and wonderful
physical gifts with the person with whom they have previously experienced
intimacy through words, actions, and commitment. And this commitment is
fulfilled in a monogamous marital state. Words are just that, words. There is
no solid guarantee. Commitment must be realized through action. True love
deserves true commitment. The wondrous gift of sex deserves only the highest
level of commitment possible, marriage.
Guy(or girl): 'If you love me, then you'll have sex with me.'
Girl(or guy): (possible responses) #5
'If you love me, you'll respect my feelings and not
push me into doing something I'm not ready for.'
'Having sex doesn't prove you're in love. I have too much
self-respect to get sexually involved before it's right.
I've decided to wait.'
'OK, prove how much you love me by understanding and
respecting my feelings.'
'Love or no love, any way you slice it, it can result
in a baby and that does matter.'
'I love you. But I'd feel better showing you in another way.'
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'Can't sex be purely physical, without the emotional and psychological
after-effects, or 'baggage'?'
Resulting psychological impact can be assumed about a sexual encounter because
sex is a choice. And when a choice is involved, so is mind, will and emotion.
It's the nature of humanity. When we choose, we always ask why, and weigh the
consequences. And in a consensual act such as sex there are two involved.
Just by telling her/him you want to have sex is a choice. You are already
affecting another person's mind, will and emotions. Now you may have an
argument for sex between animals, for theirs is strictly instinct. We choose
WHY we have sex. Whether to give to a person, or take from them. Whether to
please them, or please ourselves. Or somewhere in between. If you had no
choice in the matter, then it has no psychological content. But you do. You
and your partner feel pleasure, pain, love, hate, anxiety, indifference etc.
And 'baggage' always results. It can be good feelings. It can be bad
feelings. Because you REMEMBER what happened. No longer is the physical
there, but the memory remains to be dwelt upon by your mind, will and emotions.
*** qUoTeS ***
"There is no possibility of having sexual intercourse without meshing a part
of your non-physical self. Sex is such a definite experience that a part of
each of you remains forever a part of the other. How many times and how
casually are you willing to invest a portion of your total self and accept such
an investment from another person, with no assurance that the investment is for
keeps?" #7
"True sexual freedom provides the option of saying no to these consequences
[of sexual relations.] It says, 'We are human beings with procreative powers
capable of mature love and rational choice. Our free will provides us with
self-control and self-respect.'" #8
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'What do you mean by 'sex was meant to be given in marriage?'
What is 'good and proper' in a given situation? Are there
any rules, any morals regarding one's conduct in a relationship?
These phrases are based on a ideological framework. However, not necessarily
religious, or it may co-exist as a rational and logical framework with
moral principles. But doesn't there exist that which is generally known as
'natural law?' Or a moral code by which human beings follow? Of course a
person of a particular belief system may refer to the author of this moral code
as God, or the goddess, or whatever. So do you agree to the existence of at
least a general 'moral' norm? One that describes what 'is meant to be?' Is
racism 'meant to be' acceptable, or not acceptable? What prevents me from
making my own 'relative' moral code, and say that I can be and act racist? By
what basis are you telling me I am 'wrong.' Or why should I not lie to you, or
steal from you? If morality is always relative to the individual, then I
should be able to do these things without guilt, shame, or remorse. So there
exist 'good and proper' conducts; there exist things 'meant to be.' And this
directly applies to relationships. Should not trust, honesty, and fidelity all
be fundamentals in a relationship? And when one of the aforementioned
qualities is betrayed, cannot we accuse the perpetrator of wrongdoing?
As for sex being 'meant to be given in marriage.' Marriage, by definition, is
an institution. So there are inherent characteristics to this institution;
what is allowed, what is desired, what is meant to be etc. that emerge from
the nature of the lifetime covenant. Love, sharing, dedication, giving,
monogamy, and fidelity are just a few examples. A line between 'right and
wrong' can be drawn based on these innate aspects.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I personally believe that sex is inherently good. I also believe that love
is no more noble than sex than sleeping is more noble than eating. And that
sex is a legitimate human need.'
I personally believe sex is inherently good! But inherently good sex is
debased when used in an improper context. Are you saying love is NOT more
noble and essential in a relationship than sex????? The fascinating mystery of
love. Where a man and woman come together in affection, giving and receiving.
To become one; in mind, body and spirit. That queesy feeling you get when you
are near to your loved one. That cloud nine bliss. You compare that to a
simply physical action? Sex, minus any emotion or feeling (which is
impossible; but commonly masked off as prostitution) is on a level with love?
Come on. I doubt ANYONE here would equate those two things. And sex (or what
is typically thought of as sex between two persons) is a DESIRE. No one NEEDS
sex.
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'I would be proud to say I was a virgin. Especially to women.
Females are more reluctant to have sex with a guy who she knows has
slept around than a guy to a girl who has ... All you male
virgins out there need to speak up, because you're the smarter ones
who decided to wait for the right person.'
Thanx for making a few great points. I don't know why people would be ashamed
of something traditionally held in high esteem? But society has made some
about-face turns regarding moral norms in the last few decades. It's
interesting to hear you say that females are more reluctant than guys to have
sex with a promiscuous person. I'm not sure what that statistic says but why
should a man's virginity/non-virginity have greater/lesser value than that of
a woman's?????
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'I went out with this girl who had a hangup about virginity. It was
really annoying when it should have been fun, knowing that there is no
way she'd go any further. I mean don't they ever have lust or something?'
I'm glad you met a young woman who had strong beliefs and stood by her
convictions. Do they lust? Of course, I would say we all do. That does not
mean one wishes to continue in lustful thoughts. And the huge error comes when
one acts upon wrongful desires. And I hold in high esteem a young lady (or
man) who would 'refuse' sex based on beliefs, evidences and possible
consequences.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I believe you shouldn't sleep with someone if you can't respect them
and their beliefs.'
Excellent point. If you are acting contrary to their beliefs, you don't
respect them and you are taking advantage of them. Can we say 'rape', both
emotionally and physically.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'My marriage partner will understand that I didn't wait for her/him.'
Think about the future. Think about the most amazing woman/man you will have
ever met. Falling in deep love with her/him. Eventually committing your life
to her/him. Isn't it worth waiting and making the commitment now to honor
your future wife/husband with your whole heart, mind and body?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What about a person who has lost their virginity. Can it be 'regained'?'
Physically no. Memories also remain. But I believe in what I call
'neo-virginity.' It's the mental change, the redirection of the heart of a
person in vowing to live a life of abstinence until marriage. I don't believe
in holding a person's past against them. But they are accountable for the
present.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** lYrIcAl InTeRlUdE ***
She walks with class and she walks with style She's only sixteen years old
Turns the head of every boy in school Their hearts have been bought and sold
Popularity is hers for a price Sometimes the price is hard to pay
Doin the things it takes to please the crowd Knowing all the right things to say
Angela, such a pretty girl lost to the world
Angela, you're naive, young, tell me where does your heart belong Angela...
The social games have really gone too far Mama just can't understand
High fasion girl has got a standard to meet Ego has the upper hand
In her heart she's walked the way many times Maybe she just don't understand
It's a matter of the heart, not the show And freedom is her heart's demand
When you want to make a change, and feel it in your life
You know your heart will have to rearrange...
*** "Angela" by Legend ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What about those 'stories' a married couple tells each other about their
previous sexual partners? Can't they be a little unsettling? Then you may
meet the people and say 'You slept with him/her?!?!''
Another excellent point. Think of how degrading it would be to be in the above
situation? How can sex be a 'gauge' pointing to the level of commitment? How
can one say that a guy/girl cares about you more (due to your sexual relations)
than the person they had sex with before? If they were having sex 'just for
fun,' why not then would they be having sex with you 'just for fun?' Or how
about a person thinking of the time they had sex before, and making
comparisons? Oh it may not be intentional, but its an after the fact fact.
Sex is a powerful and memorable emotional experience. What if they felt their
previous partner was 'better' in bed??? Could that affect your current
relationship????
*** qUoTeS ***
"Due to the instant sex of the sexual revolution, people perform rather than
make love. Many women can't achieve a sense of intimacy, and their anxiety
about how well they perform blocks their chances for honest arousal. Without
genuine involvement, they haven't much chance for courtship, romance or love.
They're left feeling cheated and burned out."
(Debora Phillips, author of 'Sexual Confidence' and director of the Princeton
Center for Behavior Therapy.) #9
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'One question that has perplexed me is what if both partners who wait until
they are married to have sex not know what to 'do?' And what if they are
'sexually incompatible?''
Not know what to do??? Seems pretty evident that the methods involved in a man
and women becoming physically intimate is quite innate to the human species. :)
Regarding the 'sexually incompatible' myth. It does not exist for a couple who
has the proper priorities in a relationship. If you are in love with a person
should a presumed sexual inconvenience ruin that love??? Here's the example I
like to give. Suppose after two years of marriage, and wonderful sex, your
loved one (a man) loses his genitals in a freak accident. So are you saying
that would be grounds to ditch the guy??? That situation sounds pretty
sexually incompatible to me. But there are no possible arguments that a
fulfilling and wonderful relationship could not and should not continue. Note
that I'm not saying every couple will have a 'perfect' sex life in marriage.
But with openness, communication, and sharing the couple can enjoy a totally
gratifying and enjoyable sexual relationship. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Aren't some people more 'sexually compatible' with others?'
How do we 'gauge' compatibility? Isn't there always going to be someone who is
a little 'prettier', a little 'sexier', a little better kisser according to
some opinions? Such a pursuit theoretically can never end. Your current
sexual partner is always 2nd, or 5th, 25th, or nth best. Such an outlook
could be taken to physical appearance. A woman walks by who is prettier, so
you dump your current partner because this new female's 'looks' are more
compatible with your desires. This is an extreme example of what such
viewpoints could imply. The incompatibility problem doesn't even exist when
one has only one sexual partner, as comparisons cannot be made. I definitely
think that 'attraction' and 'compatibility' are concerns, but they should be
relegated to a proper priority. The concept of 'better sexual compatibility'
undermines what true love and lasting relationships are all about.
*** qUoTeS ***
"No one knows what effect sex, precociously experienced, will have on the
immature mind. Sex experience before confidentiality, empathy, and trust have
been established can hinder and may destroy the possibility of a solid,
permanent relationship." (Dr. Mary Calderone) #10
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'OK, so marriage is the perfect state for sexual expression.
But what if my future wife/husband doesn't enjoy sex?'
Can you name any significant percentage of persons (excluding problematic
circumstances) who do not enjoy sexual fulfillment? I think most everyone
looks forward to this expression of love.
A good relationship exhibits growth. Exploring the different facets of each
other's personality and character. Building trust. Gaining intimacy. Sexual
fulfillment is just a part of a couple's sharing. A husband and wife have
attained the degree of intimacy and commitment where they then can now express
their love sexually. In openess. In assurance. In confidence. In security.
Without fear. Without shame. What better way to discover and explore this
wonderful territory than starting off TOGETHER! Dedicated fully to helping,
pleasing, and serving each other in the exclusive lifetime commitment of
marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'I firmly believe in "try before you buy".'
Ok. Try before you buy. Taking this position then you are saying that a main
priority in your decision to accept a woman in a relationship is sexual. So if
she doesn't live up to your expectations then you dump her? Would any females
reading this go for the above? That a male would judge you and accept or
reject you based on your sexual prowess, or how you rate against the sexual
ability of other women? EXTREMELY shallow.
What about comparison? How do you judge a woman as to her sexual capability?
If this is the only woman you ever had sex with, and the experience was quite
fulfilling, then how could you honestly judge that she is not 'good enough.'
You can't because there is no one else to compare with. Unless you have had
previous sexual partners. Then you can 'rate' her performance in bed...'..I
give this one a 6.7...'...*uggghhhhh*...
Also 'try before you buy'-> remember STDs, pregnancy, consequences etc.
*** qUoTeS ***
"Studies show that a relationship based on physical attraction may hold
itself together for three to five years. During that length of time two people
are fooled into thinking, "Well, we've been going together for so long, surely
we can make it for a lifetime. This must be love." On the other side of
marriage, they wake up to see they had little in common and no basis for a
quality relationship." #7
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*** lYrIcAl InTeRlUdE ***
Babe, you whisper in my ear Things I shouldn't hear
Oh girl, this time you've gone too far It's like a falling star
You're givin' yourself away Too much a price to pay
Girl, temptation's all around Our love has fallen down
Oh, baby, the passions of design Our love is on the line
Affections have been misplaced The scars we cannot erase
Lies in the dark Words of love but they're tearing us apart
Lies in the dark Baby, it's true
*** "Lies in the Dark" by Bloodgood ***
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'What about all the cases regarding STDs (sexually transmitted diseases),
HIV, AIDs etc? How can I be safe, for sure?'
- The federal Centers for Disease Control estimate that there are now 1 million
HIV cases nationwide. #11
- The rate of heterosexual HIV transmission has increased 44% since Sept 1989.
#12
- Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) infect 3 million teenagers annually. #13
- 63% of all STD cases occur among persons less than 25 years of age. #13
- 1 million new cases of pelvic inflammatory disease occur annually. #11
- 1.3 million new cases of gonorrhea occur annually. #13
- Syphilis is at a 40 year high, with 134,000 new infections per year. #13
- 500,000 new cases of herpes occur annually. #13
- It is estimated that 16.4% of the US population ages 15-74 is infected with
herpes, totaling more than 25 million Americans - among certain groups,
the infection rate is as high as 60%. #14
- 4 million cases of chlamydia occur annually; #13 10-30% of 15-19 year
olds are infected. #15
- There are now 24 million cases of human papilloma virus (HPV), with a
higher prevalence among teens. #16
There's only one safe way to remain healthy in the midst of a sexual
revolution. It is to abstain from intercourse until marriage, and then wed and
be faithful to an uninfected partner. It is a concept that was widely endorsed
in society until the 1960s (and look what's happened since then..........)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What are the statistics as to real-life (typical) pregnancy
rates for those couples who use a condom in an attempt
to prevent pregnancy? Other cases?'
Use of condoms has typically failed at least 15.7% of the time annually in
preventing pregnancy. #17 They fail 36.3% of the time annually in preventing
pregnancy among young, unmarried minority women. #17 In a study of
homosexual men, the British Medical Journal reported the failure rate due to
slippage and breakage to be 26%. #18 Remember a woman can conceive only a
few days per month. Think of how much more risk is involved with a disease
that can be transmitted 365 days a year.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What do the experts think about HIV and condoms?'
At the National Conference on HIV in 1991 some 800 sexologists were asked to
raise their hand if they would trust a condom to protect them during
intercourse with a known HIV-infected person. Not one of them did. #19
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'So why are government institutions, private agencies and schools promoting
condoms and other contraceptive use in preventing pregnancy and disease?'
Darn good question!!! We've already shown the stats on disease and pregnancy.
Since 1970 the federal government has spent nearly $3 billion to promote
contraception and 'safe sex.' This year alone, $450 million of your tax
dollars will go down that drain. #20 (Compared to less than $8 million for
abstinence programs.) After 22 years and nearly $3 billion, some 58% of
teenage girls under 18 still did not use contraception during their first
intercourse. #21 Furthermore, teenagers tend to keep having unprotected
intercourse for a full year, on average, before starting any kind of
contraception. #22
*** qUoTeS ***
"Condom distribution sanctions, even encourages, sexual activity, which in
teen years tends to be promiscuous and relegates to secondary status the most
important lesson to be taught: abstinence. An analysis of the entire condom
distribution logic also provides a glimpse into just what is wrong with public
eduction today."
"Advocates of condom distribution say that kids are going to have sex, that
try as we might we can't stop them. Therefore they need protection. Hence,
condoms. Well, hold on a minute. Just whose notion is it that 'kids are going
to do it anyway, you can't stop them?' Why limit the application of that
brilliant logic to sexual activity? Let's just admit that kids are going to do
drugs and distribute safe, untainted drugs every morning in homeroom. Kids are
going to smoke, too, we can't stop them, so let's provide packs of low-tar
cigarettes to the students for their after-sex smoke. Kids are going to get
guns and shoot them, you can't stop them, so let's make sure that teachers have
bulletproof vests. I mean, come on! If we are really concerned about safe
sex, why stop at condoms? Let's convert study halls to Safe Sex Centers where
students can go to to actually have sex on nice double beds with clean sheets
under the watchful and approving eye of the school nurse, who will be on hand
to demonstrate, along with the principal, just how to use a condom. Or even
better: If kids are going to have sex, let's put disease-free hookers in these
Safe Sex Centers. Hey, if safe sex is the objective, why compromise our
standards?"
"Well, here's what's wrong. There have always been consequences to having
sex. Always. Now, however, some of these consequences are severe:
debilitating venereal diseases and AIDS. You can now die from having sex. It
is that simple. If you look, the vast majority of adults in America have made
adjustments in their sexual behavior in order to protect themselves from some
of the dire consequences floating around out there. For the most part, the
sexual revolution of the sixties is over, a miserable failure. Free love and
rampant one-night stands are tougher to come by because people are aware of the
risks. In short, we have modified our behavior. Now, would someone tell me
what is so difficult about sharing this knowledge and experience with kids?
The same stakes are involved. Isn't that our responsibility, for crying out
loud, to teach them what's best for them? If we adults aren't responding to
these new dangers by having condom-protected sex anytime, anywhere, why should
such folly be taught to our kids?"
"Doesn't it make sense to be honest with kids and tell them the best thing
they can do to avoid AIDS or any of the other undesirable consequences is to
abstain from sexual intercourse? It is the best way - in fact, is it the only
surefire way - to guard against sexual transmission of AIDS, pregnancy, and
venereal diseases. What's so terrible about saying so?"
('The Epitome of Morality and Virtue' aka Rush Limbaugh) #23
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'So far I haven't encountered any problems with STD's, pregnancy, etc.'
Well statistics point to the fact that things/accidents happen. But you know
full well that EVERY TIME you have sex there is risk/possible consequences
involved. And is a few hours of pleasure worth a lifetime of pain, or even
death??????
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What if I take careful precautions before I have sex, can't I
avoid her becoming pregnant?'
Even IF (and that's a HUGE if; real-life statistics show otherwise) all
contraceptives worked 99% of the time, would you take that chance of getting
your partner pregnant, becoming a father, and be willing to accept all the
emotional, physical, financial, social and mental responsibilities with it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITOR'S NOTE - The following section is comprised of various quotes
from anonymous persons, your peers. Most of them are
network/BBS users. They share their thoughts and views
regarding human sexuality and relationships.
I believe this part of the 'FAQ' to be the most powerful. :)
Real people. Real experiences. Real life.
I would gladly include any personal testimonies, or related
opinions or experiences from anyone wishing to contribute.
(as space permits.) Again a great thanks to all those who
have shared! :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Not the way I see it...my own opinion, mind you, but whatever woman eventually
shares my sex life is going to know that it means more than just making each
other feel good..."
"...the term "making love" should actually be that...an extension of the total
commitment that two people have for each other...that the physical act is an
extra in a relationship...not that the relationship exists because of it."
"...sex is a huge way to let your mate know that she (or he) is the most
special person in the world to you...it involves vulnerability that cannot be
found in any other way..."
"I guess for me that's just my opinion on women. My morals are just not to have
sex until I'm married-- I just want to save it and have it be something all the
more wonderful and special with my future wife. But in my experiences with
dating that I've had, it's made it much easier and better starting off as
wonderful friends and then starting a relationship-- this way once you break up
(if) then you can still relate to each other and go back to the time when the
relationship wasn't so physical and be friends again..."
"Physical attraction, per se, is not something I see as either right or wrong.
When it leads to mutually desired sex between partners in Matrimony, it's used
appropriately. When it leads to any other use of sex, it isn't. As I
understand things. Physical desire is like any other appetite. Morally
neutral, it can lead to either appropriate fulfillment, or not."
"...about the virginity thing...it is something special, and one should be
careful when giving it to someone, and I agree, it should be left for
marriage..."
"I have to agree with you about the losing thing, I hope to some day, "give"
my virginity to my husband...religion is not the only reason to abstain from
sex...but it is not a bad reason, to those who feel that way...I chose to weigh
the options, and decided to stay a virgin, it is important to me..."
"Sex is much more than just a physical act. It takes into account our
emotional, mental, and spiritual states as well as our physical state. If any
one of those states are upset, then the sex act may not be what we would like."
"...Religion is not the only reason to abstain until marriage. I'm religious,
Catholic as a matter of fact, but I didn't make the decision to abstain until
marriage because the Church told me to. I made the decision because I know
that I don't want to have to deal with the prospect of pregnancy, STD's, and
the other complications that go along with having a sexual relationship,
however fulfilling it may be. I want to know that the person I am involved
with is there because of who I am, not what I do in bed. I have seen too many
relationships dissolve because the only communication between the two people
involved was sexual. I want to have something different. So before you go
deciding that those who remain virgins are doing so because God told them to,
please give some credit to the fact we are logical human beings and made some
choices for our own well-being..."
"...one point that I always make is that with abstinence before marriage, they
won't constantly have to worry about whether the birth control will work or if
a pregnancy will result. Abstinence takes away this constant worry. I ALWAYS
worried about getting pregnant, and every other girl I know is like that too.
And the guys I know are concerned about it too. With abstinence, there is the
peace of mind for a female, that they don't have to worry about
pregnancy/disease and all the things that go along with those end results;
like...diapers, childcare, pre-natal care, who the father might be, whether he
will want to take responsibility, etc... and that right there is enough reason
for me to remain abstinent until marriage. :) Those are not fun things to go
through. And in today's society, when someone has sex, they are not sleeping
just with their partner, but everyone else that person has slept with too..."
"And it is NOT just up to the individual, for one reason simply because so many
people think it isn't! I don't care much what kind of sex life someone has, but
I do care about how someone affects someone else's sex life! Like I don't want
any person to ever have sex with a potential girlfriend of mine."
"...you only have one first time, if you aren't ready, one or both of you may
end up regretting it afterwards. Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with
waiting..."
"...There are so many factors regarding sex that you only find out later, and
once you've done it, you can never NOT have done it. I lost my virginity when
I was 17, and sex became something it never should...College relationships are
so volatile. There is so much ELSE going on, and sex, while it can be bonding
and meaningful, can tend to sexualize your relationship. By this I mean that
you will always have that nagging anxiety regarding pregnancy, and believe me,
waiting for 3 weeks or a month for a late period strains the best of
relationships. You then have to approach the safety factor...pregnancy is a
BIG deal. But the most important is afterwards. Chances are, no matter how
you feel now, you won't get married. Once you have sex, it's easier to have it
again, and in each relationship, it's earlier and earlier. How will you feel
if you break up, and terrible things are said? She'll probably say "I can't
believe I slept with him!? It didn't mean anything he's saying..." Regardless
if you have moral convictions regarding abstinence, there are a LOT of things
to consider. Sex is overrated. My boyfriend and I have both had sex in
other relationships, which all ended badly, and we've been going out for almost
8 months, and we still haven't had sex. If we do get married, there will be
that experience for us to share. There are other ways to be close in a
relationship..."
"...who wants to get out of bed in the morning knowing that the person sleeping
next to them just wanted them for sex, and not who or what they are, but just
for physical recreation???? By seeing sex for just pleasure purposes, they are
minimizing the wonders of love because sex is an act of love. And when/if they
do get married, how do they think their spouse will feel knowing they think sex
is purely physical, and not emotional???"
Re: Sexual compatibility
"One thing I always mention about this is about that one Olympic runner dude
who now has AIDS due to a transfusion he had during a surgery he had. After he
found out he had AIDS, he and his wife cut off their sexual relations. They
have both said that their relationship has become stronger since then and that
they don't miss that aspect as much as they thought they would because their
commitment to each other has deepened and their love have grown even stronger
through their hardships."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITOR'S NOTE - This 'FAQ' has not referred to any religious based argument
regarding virginity and sexuality. However, various people
have commented on religious beliefs when discussing
this issue. Below I have replied to questions/comments
regarding virginity, sexuality, and Christianity.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'What right does a religious organization have to cheat people out of the
right to explore, know, and enjoy their own bodies?'
I don't know exactly what organization you are referring to. However your
claim that people are 'cheated' out of a right is not necessarily true. A
belief system which would force people to abide by a rule, where the person
had no free will or option to get out of that belief system or circumstance,
would be wrong. Most belief systems have a set of guidelines, which
are intended for the benefit of the individual and community. Those
guidelines are voluntary to follow. However when one person's actions affect
another, or lawmaker(s) feel that the law is beneficial to both individual and
community, then the establishment of enforceable law is recommended.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Also.... any group that teaches that there is something wrong with the fact
that sexuality is a vital and significant part of our natures is a group
that does a terrible dis-service to humanity...Christianity essentially
attempts to ignore sexuality as much as possible and what it doesn't
ignore it tries to regulate into oblivion.'
Apparently you have a misunderstanding of the sexual view of man/woman that
Christianity presents. Christianity and Biblical principles state that
sexuality IS a significant part of our natures. Christianity doesn't
ignore sexuality at all. Actually as you know the belief system comments on
sexuality quite often. :) And marriage is absolutely discussed, honored,
and esteemed in the Bible.
'...made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave
father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they two shall be one
flesh? Wherefore they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath
joined together, let not man put asunder.' Matthew 19:4-6
'Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her
be as the loving hind and the pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all
times; and be thou ravished always with her love.' Proverbs 5:18-19
'Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing..' Proverbs 18:22
'So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife
loveth himself.' Ephesians 5:28
'Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the
wife unto the husband.' 1 Corinthians 7:3
'Marriage is honorable in all; and the bed undefiled...' Hebrews 13:4
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Christianity denies that sexuality is an essential part of who and what
we are. It stands in stark contrast to reality. It is very damaging.'
How can you say Christianity 'denies that sexuality is an essential part of who
and what we are?' By the numerous recommendations on sexual conduct alone
contained in the Bible it is very clear that sexuality is definitely a major
part of every human being, a very integral feature of the male/female
relationship, and a gift to be used and given freely and wonderfully in the
proper context.
(ps - Check out the book in the Bible called Song of Solomon (aka Song of
Songs) for some BEAUTIFUL erotica!) :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** lYrIcAl InTeRlUdE ***
Long ago when the world was young and nobody understood
The way a man and a woman could be in love the way they should
He was sad he knew that something was missing but soon Adam would see
A woman as he woke up from his sleep
She was soft with the purest touch and her eyes said that she cared
A friend to him and a friend to her and all the world to share
And when they came together man and wife it was the perfect thing to do
And then they said those words together, 'I love you.'
That's the way that love began and that's the way that love was meant to be
In the sadness or the laughter Into the darkness or the day
The two of them became as one and love would guide the way
Never leaving never thinking twice about a life for them apart
They were joined together by the love inside their hearts
*** "Ballad of Adam and Eve" by Mad at the World ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Don't religious people choose not to engage in pre-marital sex simply
because 'God told them so?'
Well I know quite a few 'religious people' who choose not to engage in
premarital sex for other reasons than just 'because God said so.' Take a look
back to all the possible motivations presented in the previous sections of this
'FAQ'. And moral laws have their basis in the practical. God knows EXACTLY
those things which are necessary for a man and woman to fully enjoy a loving,
intimate, committed, life-long relationship. He has graciously given us
guidelines for our benefit, happiness, and protection. To make an analogy, a
parent will tell his/her child not to touch the hot stove. Why doesn't the
child touch it? Because of the parent's warning. But when he is old enough he
will understand that the stove is hot and would hurt his hand. The practical
behind the law. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** lYrIcAl InTeRlUdE ***
Your boyfriend told you it would be alright
And all your friends are doin it in the dark of the night
They say you're gonna like the way it makes you feel
But how you gonna deal with the guilt and pain that's so real?
You see no end in sight. C'mon and make it right...
Somebody sold you a lie. Will you listen to this or will you be surprised?
And all your friends said it would be alright
As long as you believe in God you can do what you want on a Friday night
So you do what they call fun
But tell me do you feel empty when the morning comes
Somebody sold you a lie. Will you listen to this or will you be surprised?
You can't even believe the people that you idolize
'Cause somebody sold you a lie
In the heat of it all we compromise our faith
As the tension builds we break...
*** "Sold You a Lie" by Zion ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
******
'Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things...' Philippians 4:8
******
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REFERENCES
--------------------------
Some excerpts and statistics have been taken from a few various sources:
I. 'In Defense of a Little Virginity' by Focus on the Family, 1992.
A free copy of the article is available by writing to:
Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs CO USA
80995-0001
II. 'Why Wait' by Josh McDowell and Dick Day
Here's Life Publishers, Inc. 1987. San Bernardino, CA 92402
For more info contact:
Campus Crusade for Christ International
Arrowhead Springs, San Bernardino, CA 92414 USA
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOOTNOTES
--------------------------
1. Leo, John. "The New Scarlet Letter." 'Time' August 2, 1982.
2. Painter, Kim. "What Women Want Most: Intimacy." 'USA Today,' Oct
14, 1986.
3. Harris, Myron, and Norman, Jane. "The Private Life of the American
Teenager." New York: Rawson, Wade Publishers, Inc., 1981.
4. Gaylin, Jody. "What Girls Really Look for in Boys." 'Seventeen,' March
1978.
5. McDowell, Josh and Day, Dick. "Why Wait." Here's Life Publishers,
Inc. 1987. San Bernardino, CA.
6. Lauer, Jeannete, and Lauer, Robert. "Marriages Made to Last."
'Psychology Today,' June 1985.
7. Rinehart, Stacy, and Rinehart, Paula. "Choices." Colorado Springs:
Navpress, 1982.
8. Mast, Coleen Kelly. "Sex Respect: An Option for True Sexual Freedom."
A Public Health workbook for students. Bradley, IL. Respect, Inc. 1986.
9. Phillips, Debora. "Sexual Confidence." Boston, MA. Houghton Mifflin,
1980.
10. Collins, Robert J., MD. "A Physician's View of College Sex." 'Journal
of the American Medical Association,' April 28, 1975.
11. Pamela McDonnell, Sexually Transmitted Diseases Division, Centers for
Disease Control, US Dept. of Health and Human Services, March 16, 1992.
12. "Heterosexual HIV Transmission up in the United States," 'American Medical
News,' Feb 3, 1992.
13. US Dept of Health and Human Services, Public Health Service, Centers for
Disease Control, '1991 Division of STD/HIV Prevention,' Annual Report.
14. Robert E. Johnson et al, "A Seroepidemiologic Survey of the Prevalence of
Herpes Simplex Virus Type 2 Infection in the United States," 'New England
Journal of Medicine' #321, July 6, 1989.
15. C. Kuehn and F. Judson, "How common are sexually transmitted infections in
adolescents?" 'Clinical Practice Sexuality' #5. 1989.
16. Kay Stone, Sexually Transmitted Diseases Division, Centers for
Disease Control, US Dept. of Health and Human Services, March 20, 1992.
17. Elise F. Jones and Jacqueline Darroch Forrest, "Contraceptive Failure in
the United States: Revised Estimates from the 1982 National Survey of
Family Growth," 'Family Planning Perspectives' May/June 1989.
18. Lode Wigersma and Ron Oud, "Safety and Acceptability of Condoms for Use by
Homosexual Men as a Prophylactic Against Transmission of HIV During
Anogenital Sexual Intercourse," 'British Medical Journal' #295. July 11,
1987.
19. Theresa Crenshaw, from remarks made at the National Conference on HIV,
Washington DC, Nov. 15-18, 1991.
20. "Condom Roulette," 'Washington Watch' #3. Washington: Family Research
Council, Jan. 1992.
21. William D. Mosher and James W. McNally, "Contraceptive Use at First
Premarital Intercourse: United States, 1965-1988." 'Family Planning
Perspectives' #23, May/June 1991.
22. Cheryl D. Hayes, "Risking the Future: Adolescent Sexuality, Pregnancy
and Childbearing," Washington: National Academy Press, 1987.
23. Rush Limbaugh, "The Way Things Ought to Be," Pocket Books, New York. 1992.
24. David C. Reardon, "Aborted Women: Silent No More," 1987.
25. Speckhard, Anne Catherine. "The Psycho-Social Aspects of Stress Following
Abortion." A thesis submitted to the Faculty of the Graduate School
of the University of Minnesota, May 1985.
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