Homicide

As staggering as that figure is, it does not begin to indicate the toll of suffering that homicide extracts. If one estimates that each of its victims is survived by a minimum of three loved ones for whom the violent death will produce deep and bitter grief, the annual casualty rate escalates to over 130,000 individuals. And if one appreciates the intensity and duration of the trauma suffered by these survivors, we can conservatively estimate that we have in our midst over a million wounded and scarred Americans, all victims of the murders of just the past decade.

"Survivors of homicide victims" is a phrase used to describe those individuals who had special ties of kindredship with the person murdered, and who were therefore victimized not only by the loss of someone close but also by the horrific circumstances of that untimely death. Survivors are usually thought of as family members or close friends, but at times, the term may include people with seemingly more distant relationships such as neighbors, schoolmates, and members of the community at large.

Let it be said at the outset: nothing in life prepares survivors for the day when a loved one is murdered. Most people live with illusions of immortality both for themselves and the people they know, at least before they reach old age. Death of a younger person is always a shock to those who grieve, who may even be stunned by the expected death of an old infirm relative. But murder involves more than death. For a majority of victims, it cuts short a healthy, young life, and for all victims, it is committed through an act of wanton cruelty.

The dimension of cruelty compounds the sense of sorrow and loss with acute feelings of injustice, distrust, and helplessness.

WHAT ARE COMMON REACTIONS TO HOMICIDE?

The common response to any extraordinary trauma is crisis. The long term effect of the crisis is influenced by a number of objective factors, such as:
a. the intensity of the event;
b. the suddenness of the event;
c. whether the event was anticipated;
d. the ability to understand the event;
e. our state of mind prior to the event;

It is clear that learning of a loved one's murder is intense, sudden, and virtually impossible to understand. Hence, most survivors face a long period of emotional struggle to reconstruct a devastated life. That private turmoil is characterized by a number of different feelings.

TURMOIL AND NUMBNESS

Survivors report suffering an initial phase of shock and confusion. The shock at receiving the information of the murder is experienced both mentally and physically. Typically, the survivor feels unable to accept the news of the death and even less able to comprehend the murder. After a rush of sensory reactions which accompany the adrenaline response to the news, many survivors collapse into a state of stunned affect and physical exhaustion.
But that paints too predictable a picture. In fact, the feelings aroused by the devastating news, and the way these show themselves in the survivor's behavior, vary considerably from one person to another, so that there is a wide range of normal responses in thinking, feeling, and behavior. All of the following are typical survivor reactions during the acute stages of crisis.

Preoccupation with the survivor's personal loss; horror about the suffering that the murder victim may have suffered; a need to know every detail of the victim's death; restlessness and insomnia; an inability to concentrate, flashbacks to the memory of receiving the death notification or to the memory of, or an imagined picture of the crime itself, rage at the assailant, fear for one's own life or that of other loved ones; self blame about something the survivor did or did not do to prevent the murder; hostility towards everyone who cannot bring the victim back to life; and utter hopelessness and helplessness.

For many survivors, the strongest point to focus for their feelings is over the loss, and with this normal focal point of nearly all grieving, the normal mix of grieving emotions, including a guilt-inducing sense of anger at the person who died, is present. For those who cannot imagine a life without that loved one, ideas of suicide are common.

For most survivors, the distress attributable to the murder itself is compounded by a number of other stressors.

ADDITIONAL STRESS FACTORS

The first such stressor is the notification itself. Many survivors remember that event as severely traumatic. Notification by telephone, notification with incomplete or, worse, inaccurate information, notification that takes place in public, or worse, through the media all cause additional pain. In contrast, notifications performed by trained law enforcement officers, done in person and sometimes with the aid of a crisis counselor, are remembered by some survivors as events of powerful kindness amid the terrible pain.
A second stress factor is the impact of other life changes. Despite the shock and numbness of the survivor, life around them does not end. If there is a divorce occurring in their family, or employment or economic problems, or illness, these stresses rarely go away for very long, and on the contrary, sometimes lead to extraordinary strife.
Third, any violent death produces unwanted and untimely demands on the family. The survivors may be faced with the task of identifying the victim's body, making funeral arrangements, handling medical or ambulance bills, notifying other friends or family of the news, hosting friends or family in their home for the funeral, dealing with the media, and so on.
Fourth, death often necessitates a number of role changes for survivors. If a husband is murdered, his wife may have to take on the roles he once had in child rearing. At times a son is called upon to become "the man of the house." All children may find themselves parenting their own parents should the adults lose the ability to attend to household tasks.
Fifth, death often causes financial stress, especially when the victim was the sole or primary source of income. Then there are medical and funeral expenses, and other costs of the crime-for cleaning up the victim's home, for dealing with other acts of violence, for any attendant theft, for cooperating with, and even subsidizing in practical terms, the criminal justice follow-up, and so on. Obviously, these involve costs to the spirit as well as to the bank account.
Sixth, many survivors find comfort in their religion, but even their religious community may react with misguided compassion. Statements such as "it was God's will," "your loved one is better off in Heaven," or "God called him" often alienates survivors not only from the person speaking but from their own faith. Some survivors report that they are advised to "forgive the murderer" or "pray for his redemption." Such advice is not only infuriating but painful to hear.
And seventh, the aftermath of murder is made more stressful than other types of death by some of the responses survivors receive from their families, friends, and neighbors.

Murder is a hideously distasteful subject. People do not like to think it can happen and avoid acknowledging the event. They may try to blame the murder, at least in part, on the victim or the survivors. If they can somehow explain what was "wrong" with the victim or his or her family, they can sustain the illusion that murder could not happen to them or their loved ones.
Relatives and friends of the survivors may urge them to "get on with their lives," "forget about the past," or "concentrate on the family they have left." [In my family, we often heard, "well... at least you have other children."] There is a tendency to overlook the fact that all survivors grieve in different ways and process the grief over different lengths of time. Obviously, survivors never forget the murder or the victim. Less obvious to many, good memories of the victim's life are often comforting, and so "living in the past" can often be a healing thing.
Conversely, focusing on the family members who survive the victim may not necessarily serve the healing process. It sometimes is a good, short-term coping mechanism (like working hard at the job), but it can be used as a substitute for "grief work" which is put off for longer and longer periods of time. One factor in these intrafamily dealings is the discovery, reported by many survivors, that having other loving family members to turn to does not mean that they can serve as an emotional replacement for the murdered relative.

A UNIQUE STRESSOR: THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

Even if the offender receives a just and appropriate sentence from the from the perspective of the survivors, they are often surprised by their response. Survivors typically assume that a just conclusion will salve their pain, and they are sometimes shocked when it does not. One reason for this is that, from the point of arrest onward, most survivors concentrate so much on the criminal justice dimension that they do not allow themselves the time or space for grieving. Hence, when the trial is over, their emotions are no longer "on hold" and they are plunged back to a starting place in the grieving process, where they are faced with the excruciating knowledge of the everlasting void caused by the murder.
The sentencing stage is of vital concern to survivors. Thanks to legislation mandating "victim impact statements," survivors in most states now have a right to have some input in sentencing. Sometimes it is limited to a written, objective statement of how the murder affected the survivors financially, medically, and emotionally. In some states, this information may be supplemented by the survivors' opinions as to what the sentence should be. And in at least a few states, survivors are permitted to speak to the judge at the sentencing hearing itself.
All of these are gratifying to most survivors, at least when they feel that their involvement made a difference.
In the majority of cases where a prison sentence is imposed, survivors in most jurisdictions will soon be concerned about the probability of parole. That concern has turned into fear and anger in many states which are nowadays using early release, even of violent inmates, as a method of reducing prison overcrowding.
For virtually all survivors who see the offender sentenced after a trial rather than a guilty plea, there is the prospect of seemingly endless appeals, and of a possible overturning of the conviction, even of an acquittal in the second or third trial.
The final group of stressors accompanying a murder trial and conviction concerns a sentence of death. For the majority of survivors who strongly favor the death penalty in capital murder cases, there is the statistical likelihood that a death sentence will not be carried out, at least not for years while appeals are heard and, not unusually, retrials are ordered. Then there is the possibility that, once carried out, a death penalty does not produce the emotional catharsis the survivors had expected.
The plain fact remains that the criminal justice process is at least as likely to compound the survivors' distress as to reduce it.

THE TOLL OF STRESS ON THE SURVIVORS' SUPPORT NETWORK

Wherever the stress factors come from - from the loss itself, from the circumstances of the murder, or from the outside stressors with their "second wounds" - they add up to a terrible strain on the survivors' natural support network. For the fact is that its members will have different methods for dealing with their grief and will operate on different timetables. For some, those strains may prove too heavy, and marriages will break up, or children will leave home, or relatives may drift apart. All will find that at least some friendships will deteriorate.
Because of the extraordinary effect murder has on survivors, some of them feel they are going crazy, especially those who receive no education about normal human reactions to catastrophic stress. Nightmares, insomnia, periods of uncontrollable sobbing, occasional hysterical laughter, nausea, headaches, physical heartaches, fatigue and other reactions may go on for months and years.
Even for survivors who manage to reconstruct a useful life, "bad days" will continue to plague them. As one survivor stated, you finally know that you are going to be okay, not because the bad days go away, but because you reach a point when there are more good days than bad ones.

SITUATIONAL FACTORS THAT AFFECT THE SURVIVORS TRAUMA:
The relationship of the survivor to the murder victim.

The relationship of the survivor to the murder victim can result in significantly different responses. While it is impossible to explore all possible relationships in this bulletin, a review of some of the relationships may help illustrate the issues.

PARENTS:

With the advent of modern medicine in the last century, people who become parents have learned that, in the natural order of things, parents almost always die before their children. Hence the shock of death of one's child, compounded by murder, is exacerbated even more by the disillusionment of what has become an almost sacred belief.
Parents assume a natural role of protectors of their offspring. While they sometimes acknowledge that they may not have been able to protect them from terminal illnesses or natural disasters, they convince themselves that they could have, been able to protect their son or daughter from the murderer. This sense of protectiveness increases parental guilt and self-blame.
Parents normally spend a great deal of time planning their children's future, and many consider that their child's future is their own link with immortality. The grief over the loss of the child is complicated by grief over the loss of a portion of that immortality. This can be especially devastating to parents of an only child.
In the event of death or murder, the father is expected to be strong, to offer comfort to his family, to cope with most of the funeral arrangements, insurance claims, or other details, and to maintain his job. If the father is unable to cope because of the emotional turmoil, society is far less forgiving than it might be of a mother. On the other hand, as our society experiences the impact of the working woman, expectations may become more comparable. A mother is often more verbal in her anger and more active in her outward fight against the murder and the sources of the second injury. The murder of a child for the mother often catapults the mother in to an activism she has not experienced in her previous life. There is almost a sense in the reports from mother survivors that they feel that if they had become more involved in politics, their community, or in social change in general, that they might have been able to prevent their child's murder. Hence, they may become committed to that external force in order to compensate for their previous apathy.
In discussing parents, it should be noted that in today's family, the parental responsibilities may be shared with step-parents. Many times this group is ignored. Indeed, the anguish over a child's murder may be intensified if parents who have been divorced and remarried have to deal with their former spouses. Even though some counselors believe it is necessary and healthy to encourage such reunions in order to facilitate the grieving process, it may add to the distress of the natural parent or his or her new partner. Step parents often love their step-children with equal intensity as the natural parents. When others expect their grief to be less, their agony is increased.

SIBLINGS:

Siblings of children who are murdered are often forgotten in discussions about the aftermath of murder.
If the siblings are young, it may be the first time they have encountered death, let alone murder. It is very difficult for them to understand the permanency of death and the fact that their brother or sister will never return. Their friends of schoolmates may make the situation worse. Children often have a ghoulish sense of humor and are not kind in their play.
Many times siblings are also best friends. The pain of loosing a confidant, a pal, a teammate can increase the sorrow. Conversely, the child who had a difficult relationship with his or her sibling (which is the norm) may fantasize all sorts of terrible things - that he or she "willed" a rivals death, that the good child died and the evil one survived, that the inadequate expressions of love now coming from their parents is the dead sibling's form of revenge, and so on.
In far too many cases, parents cannot find the emotional reserves to take care of surviving children. Hence, the siblings feel devalued, unworthy of living, and discouraged. And, as mentioned before, parents often report that they feel the child who was murdered was somehow special or they had a special relationship with him or her. If they express these feelings in front of surviving children, the children may feel jealous and angry. If the parents become active in a victim rights campaign or dramatically change their lifestyles, the remaining children may resent the time away from home or the fact that they can't live "like normal" anymore.

EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS:

Extended family members and friends of the murder victim may have been closer to the victim than the immediate family. It is not unusual to find that a best friend or a favored aunt is more deeply affected by the murder of their loved one than a brother, sister, or even a parent. Yet it is often the case that the support network that bands together to console one another, or to deal as a unit with the criminal justice system and other outsiders, excludes these special people.

CHILDREN:

Children who lose a parent to murder face serious adjustment problems. They often interpret a parent's death as desertion even when death is caused by murder. They may ask why the parent didn't fight harder or run away. They in turn may blame the parent or blame themselves for the event. In blaming themselves they often feel that the parent died because the parent didn't love them. Hence some studies suggest that children who survive the murder of a parent have persistently low self esteem.
The parent's death also interferes with the child's development process. Children normally grow up and learn to become responsible for themselves as they learn to control their environment. The helplessness that accompanies their sense of loss may leave them with a sense of ineffectiveness, leading in time to apathy, depression, and passivity.
Anger is more intense in children who survive their parent because they resent abandonment. The surviving parent may be placed in a very difficult position. The bereaved child may idealize the murdered parent and project hostility on the survivor.

OTHER FACTORS

Holidays, birthdays, and other formerly - happy events are usually marred by the loss of the loved one. The fond memories of yesteryear become bittersweet with the knowledge that the loved one will never be part of future memories of such family rituals.

WITNESSING THE EVENT:

A third factor affecting the reconstruction process for survivors concerns their role as witnesses to the event. There is no doubt that individuals who witness a murder - any murder - are vulnerable to severe repercussions for having been present at such a horrific event. How much worse, then, when the witnessed murder is of a loved one.
Often the witness could also have been killed, so that his or her terror and horror are intermixed. It is very common for such witnesses to feel extraordinary guilt about surviving. Witnesses may have an increased sense of impotence and self - blame. Whereas non - witness survivors may fantasize that, had they been present, they would have prevented the murder; witness/survivors know that they were there and could not, or did not, prevent the killing.
In many cases witnesses are also afraid that the assailant will retaliate against them at another time. Since they will be involved in the criminal justice process, they may become torn between telling what they saw and vindicating their loved one, and their extreme fear of retribution.
Other survivors may blame the witness - survivor as well. If a parent witnesses the murder of the other parent, the children may hold the surviving parent accountable for the death. The child who witnessed the murder of a sibling may feel that their parents believe that the wrong child was killed.

RELATIONSHIP TO ASSAILANT:

A critical factor in dealing with the aftermath of murder is the relationship of the assailant to the victim and to the survivors. Since many homicides occur between intimates, many survivors must deal with this added complexity. An adult man who kills his brother may leave his widowed sister-in-law and her children as survivors. His parents may feel forced to make a choice between giving emotional support to the murderer and the victim. With one choice, they must lose a second child, and with the other, they abandon the company of their grandchildren. The likelihood of their being able to sustain a relationship with both is negligible.
A husband who kills his wife and who is sent to prison for the crime leaves his children parentless, and competing sets of grandparents may then end up in a custody battle. The same children may be forced to visit their father in spite of their hatred of him. If a boyfriend kills his girlfriend, society often interprets the act as an excusable crime of passion. Or there may be other complications, like the boyfriends past friendship with other family members. These and other unthinkable convolutions have left some survivors trying to forgive the murderer and others feeling only anger, betrayal, and revulsion.

MURDER ACCOMPANIED BY SEXUAL ASSAULT:

When a victim is sexually assaulted as well as murdered, many survivors have additional difficulties dealing with the incident.
Survivors talk about the degradation and terror that the victim must have felt.

MURDER ACCOMPANIED BY TORTURE:

A major issue for survivors to confront is whether the victim suffered as a result of the murder. It is a critical question and may seriously the reconstruction process.
When survivors are reassured that the victim was killed instantly and "didn't even know what happened," there is often a certain comfort in that knowledge. Survivors who know that the murder took place over time, or involved maiming or humiliation, often face years of imagining the process of suffering. They report trying to think what their loved one was thinking or feeling during the murder.
If the victim had particular fears or ideals that were exploited by the killer, the survivors often grieve for the victim's additional loss. For instance if a victim was afraid of the dark and was forced to stay in a dark room prior to the murder, it gives the incident an added dimension of horror. If a victim was very religious and was forced to destroy a crucifix or a bible, it may seem to increase the sadness of the event.

MURDER PRECEDED BY KIDNAP:

Kidnap and murder cases are particularly painful because often the murder is preceded by a period of time in which the victim was missing. In some cases, the fact that the victim was kidnapped is a well known fact; in others, the victim may have simply vanished. The length of time in which the victim is missing adds to the trauma because the survivors don't know what has happened. And the survivors imagine the worst possible scenarios.

ATTRIBUTES OF THE ASSAILANT:

Although it may not seem that the attributes of the assailant would be of particular concern to survivors, often they are. One of the first issues in this area is whether there was more than one assailant. Murders in which two or three individuals beat, raped, or tortured the victim may seem more violent than some murders with only one victimizer.
The age of the assailant can become a fixation if a child or an adolescent is the murderer. Survivors often have a great deal of difficulty comprehending brutal violence in young people, especially if their own experience affirms a belief in the innocence of childhood and youth.
The race of the assailant can be very important. As a statistical matter, the prototypical murder in the United States involves a young, black, male victim-and young, black, male, murderer. Black-on-black crime is for many in the black community a painful and difficult subject, leading to debates mainly on the causes of the violence and methods of reducing it; less often debated are issues about what is owed the victim-and the offender. At least in past years, when the debates were more prevalent, they sometimes worked hardships on black families who were grieving over the murder of a loved one and were troubled that the crime was being treated as something impersonal or symbolic, not as a personal tragedy and a community outrage.
If the crime is inter-racial the murder may reconfirm old prejudices or generate new ones. All victims are at risk of getting jolting reminders of the crime from "cues" associated with the event - a sight, or smell, or sense of time or place - and some victims find that the triggering cues start expanding from the very particular to the more general. It seems to be fairly common that survivors grow fearful of an entire race of people when the homicide was inter-racial.

RECONSTRUCTING A LIFE:

Having reviewed a host of factors that make the aftermath of murder a heartbreaking ordeal, we turn to a description of how hearts are mended and lives reconstructed. We start with the healing process as it has been recalled by survivors, one where it is a landmark of progress when the good days start to outnumber the bad. That process includes several features. First, survivors realize a need to give up previous life patterns. Individuals who survive the murder of a loved one become different people than they were before. That itself is a family stressor - - everyone has changed. Survivors develop new patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting.
Second, survivors often adopt a different lifestyle and redefine their own sense of self. For many, this may involve becoming active in supporting a victim rights group, for others it may entail adopting a new hobby, still others move away from their old neighborhood, acquire new skills, or get a different job.
Third, the reconstruction process usually involves an increased remembering of the murder victim-not the murder. Survivors want to think and, often, talk about the life of victims , their personality traits, their habits and aspirations and the future life that was taken from them. It is often very important for survivors to talk about their "bad" thoughts about victims because they want to remember them as warm, alive, but genuinely human beings, not as saints.
Most survivors feel that they never "recover" from the impact of the murder. But many do report reconstructing their lives and developing something positive out of the tragedy.
In fact, more and more survivors commit their lives to creating a meaningful outcome to their tragedy. That commitment may involving lobbying for legislation to give survivors more rights and more access to the criminal justice process. It may involve establishing a program to assist other survivors in the reconstruction process. It may involve monitoring the parole system so that the murderer is not released and cannot harm anyone else. Whatever the cause, survivors may become absorbed in helping activities in memory of their loved ones.

ASSISTING SURVIVORS IN RECONSTRUCTING THEIR LIVES:

Having reviewed some of the ways in which survivors fight their way back from the abyss, it is important to examine some of the tools that can be used-by criminal justice professionals, victim assistance staff, and survivors themselves - to speed the healing process.
Survivors should be given assistance with funeral arrangements if they want such help. This may include providing an escort to the morgue, providing them with information concerning their options for funeral homes. funeral services, burial services, and the like. If the victim was murdered in his or her own home, the survivors may also need assistance with clean-up services.
Survivors should be given as much information as there is available and as they request concerning the criminal justice investigation, prosecution, and trial procedures. When decisions are made they should be informed immediately and provided with an explanation. Remember that not all survivors want a great deal of information, but that many do. Let the survivors tell you whatthey want to know.
Survivors may need help in disposing of the personal belongings of the victim. Anxiety, fatigue, and depression may leave them unable to face such tasks. Hence, they should be urged to consult with other loved ones before making major decisions.
Families and friends of survivors should also try to understand what they are experiencing and what kinds of things may be able to assist them in their reconstruction. The following list of small gestures and thoughts can mean a great deal to survivors as they struggle with their grief and anger.

• Allow survivors to grieve in whatever way they wish and for as long as they wish.
• Allow survivors to cry freely. It is an healthy expression of grief and releases tensions.
• Allow survivors to talk about the victim, his or her life, and the murder. Allow them to criticize the victim and to talk about the good times and the bad times. Allow them to keep the victim in the family.
• Allow survivors to get angry with you, the victim, the criminal, the criminal justice system, or simply the unfairness of life. Anger needs expression and sharing.
• Remember the survivors and victim at holiday time, the anniversary date of the murder, and birthdays. Let the survivors know you remember too.
• Reassure the survivors that the murder was not their fault or the victim's fault.
• Tell survivors that you are sorry the murder happened and that it is horrible that someone killed their loved one.
• Support survivors in their effort to reconstruct a life, even (or especially)if it means a major change in the lifestyle, or work, or place of residence.
• Let survivors know that you will remain their friend and that they mean a great deal to you.

Finally, survivors should be encouraged to seek additional emotional support, whether from mental health professionals or through self help groups. They should be reassured that their feelings are normal and that these feelings are overwhelming for most individuals.
Helpers should bear in mind that there are other survivors of homicide victims who have lived through similar pain. Often such veterans are the most comforting source of support the survivors can receive; they have felt similar grief, intense anger, overwhelming loss, and have faced the unanswered question raised by what appears to be senseless violence.