alone again alone again...

i think i may have lost the one that i love. dammit. i want to cry and i want to scream and i want to go outside and yell obsenities to the sky and i want to curl up in a ball in my bed. i woke up last night and i couldn't sleep. you used to tell me that you couldn't sleep unless i had told you good night and that i love you. i guess you don't need that anymore. i guess i have to be cool with that. i guess i guess i guess...

i wonder...you say i'm not like you--or maybe i was the one to say that--i suppose that i'm not. i mean, my god, we just...

i don't know. i don't know what to think. i think i want an explanation. actually, i just want you to tell me that we're done with this--with us.

this isn't coming out the way i wanted it. i wanted to make you feel bad, but at the same time i don't want to keep you if you're thinking what i suspect. no, i don't want you near me at all. if you've decided that you love me no longer because i use big words or something...i'm not exactly sure... maybe it's because i'm not as fond of the deftones as you (although i don't think that they suck either)... maybe it's because i'm youngyoungyoung... maybe because i don't get fucked up on drugs or whatever and fuck around... maybe because i'm stupid enough to care about people after i get screwed over and over again. yeah well, fuck you. fuck you fuck you fuck you.

you told me it was a fuck or be fucked world. you told me that if you don't look out for yourself no one would or something of that nature. yeah well, i don't believe you and you can't make me. i wouldn't have fucked you over and i guess i was dumb enough to think that you wouldn't fuck me over too. i would have looked out for you--and i was dumb enough to believe that when you said you wanted to look out for me you really did. then again, maybe you are. i don't know. i don't want to know.

so anyway, now i'm broken. irreversable damage. no one else has ever made me to believe that they loved me so when we fucked each other over in the end i could just shake it off. shake dog shake... right? yeah well, stupid stupid me. you made me believe. you made me believe i loved you. i can't make that go away. ok? i just can't. (fuck you). so what now? i can never love anyone else, but i can never love you again either.

you know, i'm secretly jumping to conclusions here. i mean, you haven't told me anything. it's just a feeling i get. the feeling that you don't love me. the feeling that you'd rather move to memphis and start a band and whatever god damn else a little punk like you wants to do. and really, if that's what you want, that's what i want you to do. very much so, that's what i want you to do.

that's it isn't it? i'm really not like you, not on the outside. maybe i just need to shave my head and wear even uglier clothes and get some tattoos and pierce myself all over the place. maybe then you'd love me, really. maybe i need to stop reading things. maybe i need to learn to play a guitar. maybe i need to get laid. maybe i need to get high. well fuck that. that's not me. i want to be yours, but not if i have to change--not like that.

i like talking to you. i like the way you make me laugh. i like your jokes (yeah, even the stupid butt one). i liked argueing. i liked talking about metaphysics (not that we ever labeled it that, but it was you know). i liked hearing your stories. i liked making plans with you. i liked not being good enough for you, but still being yours. i liked your team. i really did.

you know it's funny...for being so god damn different we sure did have a lot to talk about. we sure did get along well. we sure did like each other. i think maybe it's because we're really a lot the same. but don't worry--i won't tell anyone.

so i feel dull. i feel hollow. i feel pathetic and i feel lame. i knew i was never good enough for you, but you made me believe that i was. but that's ok. that's ok. i promise. that's ok.

i still love you, but i'll stay out of your way. i still love you, but you'll never hear me again. i still love you, but i will never allow myself to need you again. so be it. in those immortal disco words, "i will survive."

i feel like shit. who ever gave you permission to make me feel like that? your liscense on me has been revoked. so little one, what's the moral of this story of brad and melissa? always remember to watch your back, even when you think someone else has it, they don't. trust no one but yourself. never give yourself to anyone. do every god damn thing that you can, never let another limit you.

the only problem i really have now (other than never being able to love or be loved by anyone ever again) is that of location. i must admit, i was pretty much counting on and looking forward to moving to denver with you. what do i do now? where do i go?

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swf, 18, in search of home ANYWHERE other than in north dakota and any town under the size of 200 000. willing to live with basically anyone without severe criminal record. will do all cooking and cleaning and pay half of all expenses. reliable. angry. cute enough to get by. free of everyone and everything. needs somewhere to go asap. please.

-=-=-


so i'm free. so i'm young. so i won't allow myself to get hung up over you. yeah, i'm free. i don't need anyone. i don't need you. so there. I WIN.




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