i fear not tomatoes...

i'm leaving. i'm leaving. i can't believe i'm finally leaving. i have $1200 saved so far, and should have about $2000 by the time i leave. i'm getting a new computer. i'll have a new job--jobs. i'm going to have a pretty cool roommate (whom i've never met of course, but that's ok). i'll get to see new things. the backdrop of my life will change. i'll smell something different. even the air will feel new. i feel so powerful; i feel so strong. i love this feeling. i love leaving.

so, we had a birthday party for one of my best friends on saturday. we aren't much of partiers, well, i'm not anyway, so instead we took a road trip to to world's largest prairie chicken. it was fun. it's the last real cool or stupid or something thing that the four of us will do together. i'm glad that i did it. i wish that i would have done a lot more things, but none of which do i wish to do more than to leave. and i can't understand people who are not like that as well. i really cannot.

we were driving home in the dark. i was driving and she was sitting shotgun, with the other two talking to themselves and dosing in the backseat. i turned down the music and asked her, how can you be happy here? how can you be content to just remain static? she looked out the window and over to me and said it's because she doesn't like change. she said she doesn't want to stay here forever, but that for now it would be too traumatic to leave. i don't understand that....but at the same time, i understand that too well...

we're such strange creatures of habit. we forget that we're meant to change, that we're meant to keep exploring and learning and thinking. we forget that every change gives us more dimensions, and more dimensions is what gives us shape, and what gives us shape is what gives us life. i'm changing right now and i'm fighting it tooth and nail. i'm afraid of the things that i'm learning, because i fear it will make me all the more unhappy with humankind (and i use the term "kind" nondescriptively). i argue and say untrue or mean things because it will keep me afloat. i use what i know about winning arguements unfairly because i'm willing to do anything to win them, because that means i'm right...that means that people are basically good. that means that i can trust and be safe or happy or whatever else. whatever other white feelings i want to have. i don't want to know otherwise. but that's what i'm learning, that's the change i'm embarking on.

i said that my goal for moving would be "to learn how not to give a fuck." {frown}. that's not really what i want to learn. i want to learn that everyone gives a fuck. i want to learn that people care, no matter what. i don't want to hear otherwise, and to do so only makes me sick. tell me you care, tell me you matter, tell me everything is significant. if someone ever does that, they'll own me. i doubt that not. and i don't care. if someone can ever say it and mean it... they'll just own me. i don't know how else to say it.

anyway, tell me, am i asking too much? i want every change to always be for the better. i want it to be better for me, i want it to be better for everyone around me. i can't stop anyone from continuosly moving, altering who they are and what they stand for and where they belong. and to tell you the truth, i don't really want to stop that. it's important. it's important for everyone to keep changing. it's important for us to all keep moving. getting comfortable is getting lazy. and that's just wrong.

franklin roosevelt said "a conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward."

oh screw it. i don't care anymore and i don't feel like finishing this. fuck all!




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