i'm through with love...

i'm not very good at very many things. in fact, i figure that if most anyone were to really look themselves over, no one would find that they have too much to be proud of, too much that they are exactly who they are, who they wish to be, while doing it. that makes me sad. god, that makes me terribly sad.

i used to talk a long time ago about wanting to be a superhero. i don't think i'd make a very good superhero. i feel too often, i cry too hard, i need too much. i'm not good at superhero-ism.

i used to want to be a lawyer many nights before. i don't think i'd be very good at that. i can't act in the real world like that. i just don't want to break anything, anyone. i'm not good at making choices that affect people with faces, thoughts, and bodies. i'm not going to be a good lawyer.

i wanted to play in politics. i'd be pretty bad at that. i would break down, back down. i just don't trust myself enough, even when i'm right. not that i'm frequently right or anything, either, which i suppose just compounds the problem. i'm not good at running the world.

i'm not a good singer. i'm not good about keeping my new piercings from getting infected. i'm not good at talking about money. i'm not good at asking for favors. i'm not good at making telephone calls. i'm not good at writing people back. i'm not good at spelling. i'm not good at computers. i'm not good at driving. i'm not good at using spine when i need it. i'm not good at keeping my mouth shut when i ought to. i'm not good at fighting. i'm not good at math. i'm not good at drinking. i am not good at getting my way. i'm not good about eating healthy. i'm not good at getting my butt to class. i'm not good at moving. i'm not good at love. i am not good at making things happen. i am not good at avoiding cops who like to write tickets (cop number 215, where ever you are, i am going to get my revenge one of these days). i'm not good at getting revenge. i'm not good at sticking up for myself. i'm not good at taking smart actions. i'm not good at poker. i'm not good about doing homework. i'm not good at being pretty. i'm not good at combing my hair. i'm not good at...i'm not good...

i spent this summer internalizing what i'm not good at. i spent my whole life learning what i can't do. i feel missed, mislead, misplaced, and mistaken. but...well, i don't know. i guess i'm not meant to be good. i'm meant to fill holes, i'm meant to figure something else out. and i guess i will, i guess i have to.

there are some things that i'm good at. i'm good at laughing. i'm good at crying. i'm good at watching. i'm good at thinking. i'm good at writing (too bad i'm not good at showing people). i'm good at brushing my teeth. i'm good at feeling. i'm good at understanding. i'm good at loving, even if i'm not good at love. i'm good at flowers and i'm good at trees. i'm good at getting dirty. i'm good at making people smile. i'm good at being sad. i'm good at hopelessness. i'm good at laughing. i'm good at crying.

everytime i try becomes everytime i fail. i don't know how to be me... i don't know what it is that i need to be good, what it is that i need to be me. maybe i just haven't been looking in the right place. maybe the right place just keeps running two steps ahead of me. maybe the right place has been here all along and i hadn't bothered to look up close. i will find it though...i'd be too sad and too crazy if i didn't.

everyone is chasing dreams, if they realize it or not. we're all slowly, silently looking for that place where we become what it is that we are supposed to be. we'll find what we're good at, we'll find what we're meant to do. we will, there is no way we can't.

i like koolaid. i like it a lot. i just started drinking it again. i used to just drink apple juice, and before that mountain dew, but now i'm a koolaid girl once again. i hadn't made koolaid since i was maybe fifteen. there really is a science to it. too much water. too much sugar. not enough koolaid mix. it takes a lot of tries...but once you get it, you have it. i can now make the perfect koolaid. (*hint, add too much sugar and too little water.)

i went through so many little twenty cent packets of flavour. to tell you the truth, it was a little annoying when i'd take that first sip and realize i had messed the whole thing up. but it was koolaid, i would not give up...

so, i am near to giving up on living, on finding my dreams, on figuring out what i need to be me... damn, thats really pathetic. for coloured sugar water i will keep trying, but for my own being, my own happiness, i'll give up? no... that would be insane.

i know how hard it is, i know how hard it will be. but i'm going to create plans and turn them into courses of action. i'm going to take those courses and i'm going to do something great. i don't see what choice i have. i don't see what choice any of us have.

when anyone, myself included, decides to go belly up...decides to give in, that's a loss for eveyone. no one is very good at many things. but there is that one thing that everyone has, whatever it is, that they have to offer to themselves, and to the world. if anyone ever tries to shut you down, if anyone lies to you and tells you you're dumb, if anyone makes you feel small, it's their own mistake. powerful. we're all so powerful.

i hurt myself so much lately. all summer i was killing myself. even before things "got bad," they were already terrible. i made myself shy and sick, weak and unhappy. i was less me this summer than i have ever been. i don't know who this girl was. she was uncaring and too excited. she was anxious and nervous. she was scared. she was mean and depressed. she was hopeless. i think i gave up in june because i figured in july i would have to become another girl, a shy girl, to survive. that shy girl didn't work, and some angry selfish beast came out. i guess i was trying to emulate what i thought i had seen someone else use successfully. crazy, huh? yeah...crazy....

no one is meant to do nothing. and no one is meant to give in. no one is meant to be mean and no one is meant to be selfish. we all work together to get somewhere. when you cut off other people, there is no way your dream chasing will work. when you cut off yourself, you forget the dreams you need to chase.

so, i'm not good at very many things. i'm down right bad at most. but that's ok. i'm not going to give up. i might have a short list, but i have some things that i'm good at. mostly, i'm good at caring. and i guess i want that to be my ticket to everything. my ticket into the world, my ticket into life. i don't stop caring about anyone, anything. i'll care until it deabilitates me. but when good things happen to other people, i can care less... so i want dreams to be caught. i want good things for everyone. that's how i'll find what i'm good at.

i just hope that everyone else remembers what it is that they're good at, and if not, i hope everyone finds it. everyone is powerful. don't take yorself out of that circuit...it won't work...and i for one won't.


anyway, this is a pretty good song, a pretty good folk singer...and it seemed appropriate for this loser...

"i am good at dreams
i am good at dreams
bad at savings bonds
fashion magazines
i am good at dreams
i am good at dreams

i am good at night
i am good at night
sun don't fit me right
i tried with all my might
i am good at night
i am good at night

i am good at stars
i am good at skies
not like other guys
i am good at skies
i could close my eyes
i could be your size
i would still be good at skies

i am good at wind
i am good at stone
i am good at rain
and good at all alone
i am good at you
and good at home

i am good at stars
i am good at skies
not like other guys
i am good at skies
i could close my eyes
i could be your size
i would still be good at skies

i am good at dreams
i am good at dreams
bad at savings bonds
fashion magazines
i am good at dreams
i am good at dreams

i am good at night
i am good at night
sun don't fit me right
i tried with all my might
but i am good at night
i am good at night

i am good at dreams
good at dreams
i am good at night
good at night"

-john gorka





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