slight of hand, twist of fate...
i haven't been sleeping well...well, i haven't been sleeping at all. thoughts are scrambling so hard, so fast, so furious through my mind that the closing of eyes only means the perpetuation of thinking, which is, as we all know, counterproductive to letting sleep flood the brain. i guess it doesn't much matter, but at the same time… i don't know. god, i hate that don't know feeling…
the other night as i crawled into my bed a little after three am, it hit me. it hit me why i don't sleep, it hit me why i'm so sad, so terribly forgotten… i burst into a sobbing, weeping mess, suffocating under tears, under blankets, under ceilings, under skies… i cried for what i had lost. i cried because i lost you, but not so much as i cried because i lost my way, i lost my hope, i lost my trust, i lost my faith, and i lost myself. i cried for everything i wouldn't know, for everything i did know. i cried for loneliness; i wept for my broken soul. i let selfish tears flow along with selfish hollow screams for things i don't even understand. i had only cried that way in my life once before. i cried that way after you told me that you had broken my heart…after you had broken me for the first, but not the last, time… why do you do this to me? who are you? why do you destroy me over and over again… why? i don't get it…i really don't…
i remember the way you looked that night in colorado. i can see it in my mind's eye more clearly that i can see the fingers in front of my face… you weren't the you i thought i knew… i'll still insist that that wasn't you at all. i just wish i knew who it was…
i remember the way the hate blistered over in your eyes, and the way death melted over it. i was so scared… i haven't been that scared in a long time. but more than just being scared, i was heartbroken. i knew that nothing could ever be the same, and i knew that this was the person that lived in your soul, and that was a terrible, terrifying monster that i would never be able to look at again without losing my faith in everything in the world. i was terrified of you… i still am. the nights i do sleep, you still come and haunt me with those cold, empty death-ridden eyes. that night when it happened, when i finally went up to my room and slept, you were in my nightmares. you've been in them every night since. i can never be as i was before you, now after you. i don't even know if i can ever live in that "after you" world… i hope i can. i'll have too; i want to.
and now, now to add insult to injury, you come back to spook me. you come back to harass and blame me. you come back to make sure that i'll never get over any of what transpired, both good and bad, between us. you're so cruel… you're just so cruel…
i don't understand what it is that you can even imagine that i did to you. i ask after your insults and you just call me a "bitch". well, i figure that you're probably right, but that doesn't give you any justification… you realize that don't you? you come in, you leave me with promises and sweet eyes, and then when push comes to shove you make me nervous and angry and anxious and terrified, lost and lonely. and when i try to explain, when i hope you'll help… what do you do? you turn on me… you turned on me. and it wasn't that you even just turned your back on me, you turned into the manifestation of everything that i was feeling so negatively about, everything i feared. do you remember those nights last year when you would make me listen to your problems? when i would pretend it was normal, it was alright… when you would feel miserable about something, usually something inside of you, and i would just listen. do you remember that? do you? i wanted so badly to make you happy, to make everything alright for you once again... do you remember that when i was feeling awful, i figure something like that way you had felt before, that you looked at me and told me to be quiet and ran off. and when i tried to adjust and i couldn't, you wouldn't let me speak to you, and i stood crying and scared, having already seen your cruel heart, at your doorway. and i sobbed out everything that was wrong, with me, with the world i was living in... and you wouldn't listen. i bared my soul to you and you wouldn't listen; you wouldn't help. and you didn't care. and i couldn't believe it… so i tried to make everything my fault and i couldn't say i'm sorry, i'm sorry…i couldn't say i'm sorry enough. and then you hated me. and then you scared me even more. have you ever been scared like i was? i have you ever feared the one person you trusted with your life? it's…indescribably miserable. it is. and then you threaten me and call me names, you tell me you want me dead, that you want to kill me… my god, my heart couldn't take it. none of me could… you turned on me, and it was so fast and hard… you turned on me…
look, i'm sorry for anything that i did to you. i don't want to see you fail, i don't even hold anger towards you. i hold sadness, and i am irritated by your cold mind, your heartless form... but i hope your life turns out. i truly do…
i tried so hard to be what you expected a woman to be, that i lost myself in the process. i like to laugh…i like to laugh so hard and at such inopportune times… i don't think i laughed once in your presence. i like being smart. i tried to make myself seem dumber than you, because i thought that you wanted it that way… i like doing ridiculous things, and instead i just read all the time when i was with you, not that i don't love reading too… i lost myself before you turned on me, but since that happened, i'm having a horrible time finding my way back. i don't blame you, i blame myself. i never should have tried to be what i thought you wanted. i never will try to be what anyone wants ever again.
you think i'm fake…you think i'm fake because i quote people and because i'm educated, or getting there at any rate… well, that's fine. that's great, that's ok. and the reason why that is, well, is because i know you're wrong. an artificial person is one that tries to be what they are not meant to be…like i was when i was with you. in the grand scheme of things though, i'm the real thing. i'm as real as it gets. and i have a heart, and i'm proud of that. as lou reed said (and yes, i still will quote other people regardless of your view), "anyone who ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break one." you broke me… i'm mending. i would never have broken your heart, but i now realize, you probably don't have one to break. how could i ever come to care for someone so cruel? maybe i am stupid, maybe you are right about somethings…
well, what do i do; what do i say? i'm not out to get myself ahead, and that feels pretty good i guess. i'm out to find my own happiness, and i'm out to do my best to make sure i don't hurt anyone. i'm not alone in this world anymore than you are. look around. you're sharing this place with billions of other people. they are feel, they all cry, they all need to feel wanted. i guess you must too… i just hope that you learn things someday that i've known my whole life. i hope you learn to care about things outside of your being. i hope you learn that happiness comes from shared experiences, not becoming successful. even so, i still hope you're great…why not? you might be cruel, but maybe a little success will bring you to the point most of us start at.
you're one cool motherfucker. you're mean, and you're uneduated (you're right, i do think both of those things). but you're smart and you're talented. don't waste what you have in the supreme goal of "looking out for number one". because i think you'll find, in the race of humanity, you might not win…
i will bear you no grudge. i will only bear my own hopelessness. prove me wrong, would ya?
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