oh...(i'm free)...

ok... this isn't a typical loser page... no ranting or faux insight... no frustration, no in-loves... no anger, no complaints, no tears, no pain, no hatred, no names, no labels, no calls for action... nope. life starts again here.

O

this is the point where i start again...

i learned a lot this last summer. i became a new person, and i am greatful for that. i hate what i had to go through to get there, but i'm glad to be here. i have new theories and new hope. i have new sadness as well, but without sadness i would have no reason to try to change the world... i still want to change the world...

so i'm cutting off all the old and useless mental ties i had with the negative energy i was involved in. i will take the initiative to break off all of this old, all of this evil. so i lost some faith, i lost some money, i lost some "friend"... i don't care. i can make all of that up and i can find happiness as well. i don't need to keep my mind thinking in the past. i want to live in the NOW...i'm going to live now... i always had the power to do this, and now i finally have the enregy. it is gone... i am starting fresh...

it's like a brand new notebook. everything i have done and expierenced to this point has made me what i am, but none of it will dictate what i will come to be. there comes the breaking point where you just need to decide that freedom is important, and that freedom is in your reach. it was in mine...now it's in my grasp.

it feels good. no, it feels great. i have so many possibilities... i have so much time... i guess we all do, though, don't we? i had just forgotten...but i remembered... i remember. there are new people coming into my life--i see them and speak to them and laugh with them. there are even more people that i haven't even imagined coming into my life that will. the past is done and if i get hung up on it, i will never become me. i will never be the person it is i want to--i need to--be. it was always my choice to move on; i can't believe i never saw that before. it's my choice. it's my decision...

i am happy, or if not happy, at least mildly content. there is so much out there! i am ready to open up to new people...i'm not going to live scared. cruelty is not universal and just because i see it in one person, doesn't mean i can extrapolate that to everyone else. i know what to look out for now, and that will be an invaluable lesson for me when it comes to my determination of the people i want to surround myself with.

i don't claim to know a lot...i don't think i ever have... but i want to, and i want to keep learning things even when they're painful. i want a place and people to fit in with... i'm going to find it. i am...

so, it's a new day. it's not a new life, but a new chapter. and that's fine because i'm happy with the life i have; i'm happy with the people i have... and i will make myself happy with a future life and future people. i want to...and i can. and i will.

thank you... everyone in my now... thank you. i'm glad you had my back when things fell apart for me this summer, and i'm glad to know that you will if it happens again (don't worry--i won't let it though!)... i hope i can do the same for you... i really do, but i hope you never go through that hell i put myself into. thank you for letting me sleep on your floor, and flying in to rescue me... thank you for telling me that i was right, and thank you for telling me all i was leaving was trash. thank you for helping me to realize i have energy, i have my own powers. (i still am superwoman)...

i am ready to give anything i have to life, to love, to change, to power... i am me again. i won't lose her this time...






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