hi-ho silver...

sometimes a pocket knife works, but other times you need a big meat cleaver... either way, you need to get over shit, cut off the wrongs of the past, and keep tripping forward. i don't want to hear about old grudges, i don't want to see residue hate, and i can't tolerate living in the past. didn't you get up this morning? haven't you seen anything new all day? everything you touch, touches you back... live in the now and let the dead fall...

i have, apparently, committed some grievous wrongs somewhere in the past. i'm still not sure what they were, all i know is that they're still being commited on a daily basis in another's head... i'm a little on the vocal side when i get pissed off and this, in turn, seems to make me guilty of an entire crime. well, fuck...that logic is about as flawed as any can get, but if that's the point you're at in your thinking, so be it. all i can say to that is that it pulls you down further into your own pit of self-pity than anything else ever has, ever will--especially when it was all created in your head to start... my problem is, i can't help but feeling alienated by you and sorry for you while you let this process run its course--one that, for you, never sees a finish line.

i don't know what it is that will be needed for you to get that knife out and slit the cord between you and your leftover anger, but if you don't cut it, you'll never stop feeling me, and to tell you the truth, the idea of your brain still coming in contact with my memory sickens me. i would assume it has the same effect on you, which is why i just can't see the function of your grudge. cut it off, throw it out. it's sad if you do anything but that. it's what i've done, but the process won't be complete until you stop making any reference to me and the imaginary wrongs you visualize. i don't expect you to ever understand what happened in reality, so at that point, you need to just get over it...really, you do...

i got mad...i got so fucking mad... but here's the thing. i still believe that people are good. yeah...yeah, i do... for awhile i just stayed angry at the world and the masculine gender, and then i decided that just you were bad, but that you were an individual case... neither of those are right though. you're not bad. you're...fuck, i don't know...misguided? misunderstood? no, probably not either of those. you're just in a hate-state. you've probably been in one since you were first an alienated little boy. you never got over it, and at that point everything became someone else's fault and every "wrong" just got piled up until you found a new scapegoat, and then they'd grow on that person. that's so not cool, and i really find it depressing to be that scapegoat... but if it's what you need, it's what you need. but i think if you would just realize that the world, me, and all the other people you stay pissed at aren't out to get you, you would be happier, and you would be free. and this would in turn free everyone your blame falls on to... you're a good person, so just get off your ass and get over it... i know you don't give a fuck about me, and i don't care about you at all, but this is just so mutually beneficial... you get over it--you free yourself, and you free me...

i'm over everything. don't get me wrong--the situation affected me. but it's been at the point for quite a while now where you take out the positives of what you learned, and get rid of the negatives. grudges serve no purpose other than letting yourself slip into a downward spiral. i hope you understand that, i really really hope you do... trust me, cut off the waste... i know you don't give much credibility to my words or to my mind, you made it clear you never did with your repetitious insults, but sometimes i think i know what i'm talking about--this is one of those times...

the problem becomes more magnified though when i see the affects that residue anger and hatred have in so many people... sometimes it's justified, but in the end it leaves one in the condition of soul burnout. lightbulbs that burn too long burn out, and so do people that work too hard too long... the same thing happens to your soul when you force it to be comanding negative energy all the time. maintaining anger, hate, and fear doesn't help anything. you wear yourself out, until you can't feel anything worth feeling. love can help keep a soul out of burnout, like a long road trip can help the workaholic, but if you let the hate burn on for too long, just like the dead lightbulb, your soul turns black too. and, unfortunately, you can't pick up a new one at the grocery store like you can for a light... every soul, every heart is important. it's what makes people human, it's what makes causes justified and leaves people good. people are born with that goodness, and it's painful to see anyone snuff it out. live light and let the shit go, or you'll never be at peace. bad things happen--i know bad things happen. and a lot of these bad things are so horrible, don't think i don't see it--don't think i would ever deny that. but we all have the power to get angry, take the knowledge it leaves behind, and keep our souls intact. and when we are careful to maintain our own internal goodness, that's when we can prevent and work against the evil that seeps in through the darkness...

my sister is holding on to her residue anger, and if you're reading this turtlegirl, know that it worries me. i know that you're justified, and i know that you didn't deserve any of the shit you had to go through, but if you burnout, how will you live then? how will i live knowing that the goodness, the light and the warmth, got turned off and there is no way to flip the switch back on? won't that hurt more? it was an evil thing, but that's the point--it was. free yourself... you'll never be happy until you do. i want you to be happy. we can sit down and make lists of all the burned out people we've come in contact with. we can sit down and make lists of all the pain we've gone through, or all the pain we've seen. but what good does that do? what solutions does internalizing the hate, anger, and fear result in? it's hard--it's so fucking hard. but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pull out the knowledge you gained and keep flying. you're walking on the edge of the cliff, you only have three choices--maintain the balancing act that can't work forever, fall over the edge, or sprout some wings. i love you, and we both know a lot of other people do too, and at that point, i think we both know what it is that you have to do...

and i think this is what we all have to do. sometimes it is too hard to forgive, and most of the time it's impossible to forgot, but you have to get over it. grow the wings and fly to the next mountain. it can't make anyone feel good to bear a hatred forever, and so eventually one needs to move on. and the sooner that eventually comes, the better life is. the better life can be.

so, i hope you get over it. i did not wrong you, and when you actually look at the situation, you'll realize that too. don't let yourself burnout...don't let the hate grow and manifest until you're left dark and cold. learn and live. free yourself from the constraints you put on your own world, and fly... i'm trying... i'm succeeding. believe me, the world looks much better this way...


"buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world
that's what it takes
all that steel and stone
are no match for the air my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks
we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar
into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh
until we choke
sit around and laugh
until we choke
i don't know who you were expecting
probably some bitch
who does not budge
with eyes the size of snow
i may get pissed off sometimes
but you seem like the type
to hold a grudge
and in the end i just let it go
in the end i just let it go
buildings and bridges
are made to bend in the wind
to withstand the world
that's what it takes
all that steel and stone
are no match for the air my friend
what doesn't bend breaks
what doesn't bend breaks"

-ani difranco,
buildings and bridges





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