i guess i maybe know something...



see now, i was feeling really shitty for like...a day and a half...and now i can't figure out for the life of me why. but during this time, i started to isolate myself (with the exceptions of the bitching sessions i had with a someone i think rocks---my sarie of course {drool}) and think a lot and i came upon a revelation. and i was going to right it down, but i didn't and now i don't really remember it. i mean, i remember some parts, but over all i don't. anyway, i'm feeling better now and i'm back to thinking that stuff is pretty much ok (with the few big exceptions that i always have a rant ready on{grin}). i dunno. i guess this loser spot will be my new ground to shove random ideas that when i read them again in a day or two they sound pretty dumb. and, of course, the old ones are all still on here and if you do enough _____.html, you'll probably find other crap that i did have up or will have up or wrote just to be pissy and realized i was too vulgar to post. ummm yeah. or something like that anyway. or not. i forget...

anyway, i was thinking about people and as incredibly basic as it might seem, i find myself "tripping out" (as someone told me, and it seems rather appropriate) on them. i mean, there are all these creations and collections that i will never understand roaming around the world. we are all these unique groupings of ideas, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and experiences. i can stand around pretending like i matter, and i'm so completely insignificant. who i am is a creature of what others have made me. i don't know if i have any impact on anyone, and i don't know if the impacts i do have are just through ideas i've picked up from other people and are just being funneled through me to these other beings. i dunno. but i find myself having a hard time right now being like "i hate you/him/her/it" because i just can't understand them or what they see.

i can remember when i was a littlier girl (i'm still pretty damn young of course, which everyone of late seems to think they need to remind me of), like i dunno, seven or so, it occured to me that my colours weren't the same as everyone else's. i know, it's dumb, but it's the first time that i think it really dawned on me that we are only perceptions. see, how i figured is that the colour green for example looked one way to me, but to someone else it looked like my idea of purple. but, we both called this purple/green colour "green" because we both looked at the grass and was told that it was green even though we weren't seeing the same thing. i mean, that would make the world look totally different to all of us, but we'd all still label it the same and no one would ever know for sure if what we say was the same or not...i dunno. and maybe everyone likes the true colour green best, but some of us label it red or orange or blue or purple. so none of us can ever see things like anyone else. like i said, it's pretty stupid.

but my point still remains, we all see everything a little bit differently, or see completely different things. and this is what makes one person a pessimist (me!!!) and another an optimist. it makes one person angry and another happy. it makes some of us love and some of us hate. but you can't be mad at anyone for not thinking, and seeing, the same as our own self does. and this is what i'm finally figuring out (which i'm sure everyone else knew long ago, but it takes me awhile sometimes--ok ok, most of the time--ok, all of the time).

i have spent a lot of time being really bitter and angry at people, and some of them, regardless of why, i can't get over it. i mean, there are certain people and certain acts that i will never forgive. and i suppose i'm low and shallow and all the rest because of this, but i want things to be fair and i think there are a lot of people out there who are working their hardest to make things as unfair as they can. or the people who are just flat out evil {grin} (and yes, i do get to choose who the evil people are).

but then there are other people that i just decided to put on my shit list just because they were looking at things differently than me. see, i get mad at people who weren't getting upset with things the same as me--people who were accepting less than perfection and people who were feeling things i probably never will and people who weren't feeling the same things as i was. and y'know, i bet none of you are reading this, but if i started to hate you some time in the last few days, few months, or few years ago, i take it back. i think that you guys probably all rule some how and i'll try to catch on to it. i mean, i'm wrong. a lot. and i get that i'm wrong--i always have. i am wronger than tons of people. (but i know.) so like, heh, now i feel like i do know something. and if anybody has time to show me how they see the world...i want to know. really, i do.

i still want to change the world, don't get me wrong. but i think i'm going to work a little harder on changing the world immediately around me for now. and for those of you guys that are putting up with my crap (and maybe even reading this page) i really do dig you guys regardless of how pissy i get sometimes (ok, most of the time). so like, yeah. hey...if you're reading this...you know, i love you. which brings me to another revelation....hey, i dig on that love thing!

i know i know, i always insit that love doesn't exist, but i think i had my perceptions set on a scale that was too small...i mean, it doesn't have to be this perfect feeling. it's just an affection and a like and the idea that i don't know what i would be thinking about or feeling right now if it weren't for you being around...and y'know, there are a lot of you guys that i do love...i just never used that label before....and so...i'm getting weird....and i'm going to end this...and then like take it off in the extremely near future...and then ummm....well, hey....whatever. but, for my sarie and kimmie and rachel...i do LOVE you guys to death...... and like i do think you're pretty damn cool (despite what i have written in the last several days), but i'm still going to teach you a lesson in tact (but only because i secretly know that you don't suck as much as i always told you you did)......and ummm i admit IT (you punk...you win). and all kinds of other stuff...

later kyds...

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and a person's soul is only as big as they can dream...but a person's world can only be as big as they will act...




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