shampoo revelations...

i have finally figured out what my problem is i think. see, i really do think about this quite a bit. i'm always getting accusations of how mean i am...or how cynical or how negative or how demanding or how angry or so many other things... and i now know what my problem is.

i still want to be superwoman.

see there are all of these super women that exist in the world. you know, the famous people or the strong or devout...i think that both my mom and sister are two super women for example. but that's not what i mean--that's not what i want. oh no...i want to put on my cape and be superwoman. i want to fight crime and save babies and the world from alien invasions. i want to fix it all. i alone want the power, strength, and freedom to fix the entire planet. no, wait. i alone want the power, strength, and freedom to fix the entire galaxy. the whole universe. i want to save everyone.

i can remember tying my baby blanket, pinky, around my neck and bouncing off the furnature while watching seseame street or having my mom read cinderella to me. yeah, i remember that. that was back in the days when you really could be anything. i mean, they keep telling you that for years, but you stop believing it by the time you hit junior high school. and then you try to be practical. and then, you have all of these little kids running around trying to be miniture adults and dreams go away and you end up in some bad college being a business major. when does this happen? why do all the astronauts and presidents and ballarinas and rock stars go away so fast? why can't i superwoman? why can't i still be running around my living room with my pink satin rimmed blanket hanging off my neck? why can't i?

i was told that "everyone figures it out sooner or later." now i'm not sure if he meant that everyone figures out that they don't matter or if everyone figures out how full of shit i am... either way, i'm offended. i think that i know what i'm talking about. i want to make something that matters. i want to swoop down and save the world. i just haven't stopped dreaming or planning. why should i feel guilty for wanting to make people happy again? i don't think i should. in fact, i'm almost inclined to believe that if more people still were thinking like that, well maybe we would save the world. see, i don't want everyone to "figure it out." no, i'd much rather have the world full of angry disillusioned kids like myself. because, see, i don't want to be angry. i am because no one else seems to care. and if everyone would stop "figuring it out" well, there would be a whole army of people like this. and there would be the people that tell the stories and make people care and there would be the people that actually go out there and stop the crime and save us from alien invasions. don't tell me that we need to "figure it out." that's just the adult in you talking. pretend that you're five again just for an afternoon. what did you want to be? what could you do? you might be surprised by how much you still can do...

well, now, there are these disillusioned adults out there but i'm not going to lose hope. i'm not going to lose faith. see because i was starting to figure it out to. i was starting to figure out that i was full of shit and that i don't matter. i was starting to figure out that i was this bad person everyone is trying to convince me that i am. but then, well, then there is this person who is teaching me things and showing me things that he probably doesn't even know he is. see, he knows that he's going to be something still. and he's just so positive. and he's right. i do not doubt it at all. and so when i start to "figure it out" there he is. and i just need to talk for a while and pretty soon, i'm thinking....yeah! that's right. we are great. we can do anything. and this is one of the many reasons that i love him...that i love you. and i really do, you know...

but moreover, more people need to learn this. do you remember what it was that you wanted to be? why did you give up hope? why did you not even try? are you honestly happy where you are how you are? if you are, well, damn...are you really looking around you? or have you just found your spiderman suit?

i don't know. maybe i am wrong. but i don't think so. i really don't. so, i want to be superwoman. and i hope that there are a lot of other super heroes and rock stars and world leaders out there. just think, so long as we don't "figure it out" we can be happy. we can save the world. so, go ahead and stop me from trying.

that's right. i'm superwoman.




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