spines for sale... $1

i was mad and pathetic last night. oh yeah, i am every night...but this time the catalyst was something completely different...i don't know. i was surprised i guess. i thought that he was as demented as me, but i fear that apathy has crept into his soul too. oh well, i guess it's in all of us. i just...well...i idealized him. and i still do. and i love him very much without a doubt, but hmmm, i just...well, i just figured that he still believed he could change the world. guess what? he doesn't... am i the only one left? am i the only one so stupid to think i matter? so be it, but it'll change. it just has to change.

he tells me to do whatever i want. when i come beaming to him that i've decided i know what i want to do with my life, that i want to be a trucker, he laughs and say that's cool...he'll just tell me when i'm driving the wrong way, not that he'll make me change my path though... and that's great. i mean, really, that's great. and he talks as if he knows that he's a real someone--that he does matter, if not to everyone to himself and some other someones... and i always respected that, i always loved that about him. i still do.

but then, he tells me that there are somethings that...that we can't do anything about. he tells me that when an innocent person or any person is executed under our government, that their soul is not on our heads. he tells me that if our government goes in and kills people under the name of "war"--regardless of if they have done bad things or not--that their souls are not on our heads... how can you honestly believe that? it's your governemnt is it not? you sit at home watching your tvs and listening to your cds, and you tell me that it might be wrong... so, do something. say something. write something.

so i meet the arguement, "but it won't do any good." well, you're right. it will not do any good. i mean, so long as you honestly believe that, it will do no good. but pretty soon, i don't know. pretty soon, when you start believing it, then people will start listening to you. and when people start listening to you, then they will start acting. and eventually, eventually it will matter. what you have done will matter. and even if it doesn't, knowing that you tried...well fuck, why wouldn't you want to know that?

but it scares me. yes, it truely does scare me that when this person who knows who he is and what he's about--a person that as far as i could always tell believed in changing things--when he tells me that it doesn't matter, what am i supposed to do? when even the people that are strong are falling victims to apathy... i don't know. i don't know what i'm supposed to think of this. have we been creating creatures that no longer listen to individuals? perhaps...but i still believe that i matter. are you ready to admit that you don't?

wow...i'm sounding awfulling libertarian here, which i'm not too fond of. this is a bad thing for a little socialist girl like me...but, even marx called for the workers of the world to unite so that things would change. and they did, sort of. i mean, we have workers unions and such....but there was no overthrowing. there was no real change. but think, what if the changes had happened. think of the equality that could have happened. think of the changes that could have been made. well, by saying that you don't matter, you're cutting yourself out of the solution. if the world is too big for you to change alone, find someone else to join up with. maybe two people will change the world. if you two can't, find more. you'd be surprised at all the people that might agree with you. you'd be surprised by how many people actually do care about things when they are given the opportunity to talk and think, and eventually, to act.

i don't want to believe that i don't matter. i don't want to believe that i can't change things. because i can, i know i can. and who is going to tell me otherwise? are you willing to compromise what you think to the point where you'll be silent about it? you're going to let other people run yourself and your world? do something. just do something. you can think. you know that you think about how you'd like things to be... so, maybe you can't write. well, neither can i, but here i am anyway... so maybe you can't speak to rooms full of people, so talk to your friends and talk to your family. you might influence someone who later will speak to the rooms of people. or maybe you can create art or music or poetry that will let the change penetrate other people's brains... i don't know. but how can you be willing to just shut up?

i can change the world. i know i can. and i know that he can change the world, regardless of if he believes it right now or not. and i don't know who's reading this write now...but i'm positive that you can change the world too. i've said it before and i'll say it again: i want to be superwoman. and dammit, i'm going to be superwoman if it kills me.

don't you want to be a superhero too?




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