Benjamin Wayne
Sunday night, August 5 I had some contractions. Things were going about the same as they had every other time I had a round of them. Meaning, they could be rather strong but weren't amounting to much. They would come and go. Regular for a while, then irregular. Strong, then weak. Stay when I moved, then vanish when I moved. I wasn't going to make myself stay awake to see IF anything was going to happen, so, I went to sleep, woke up a couple hours later, contractions were the same. So, I decided I'd try sitting up in bed. Just to see if that would change anything. Well, I was having that pinching *bad gas* type pain and sitting was awful. So, I decided to get on the floor, kneel down and lean across the bed. Ya know..get gravity on my side to see what it was going to do..but still allow myself a comfortable resting postition. The contractions picked up a bit in intensity. A bit? Well, quite a bit actually. Anyway...I was doing my best to hang in there..then...
The fear set in. It really kind of came out of nowhere. I wasn't dwelling on it but it just hit me. My whole body felt hot and flushed and my face began to drip w/sweat. I couldn't stop it! I tried to calm down, it wasn't working. I broke down and began crying. Then everything else settled down. Contractions stopped...DEAD stopped. So then of course I'm upset because I was so ready to get this over with. Well, they weren't coming back. I get back in bed to sleep. Talk with Brad about all this, we pray, I pray. I really needed to repent..for those thoughts I had had before. The thoughts I had been having for the past month and a half. That I hated God. That I was so mad at Him for doing this to me. For keeping me pregnant so long. For my pregnancy being so rough. For me being so uncomfortable. And mostly for bringing on contractions then stopping them. Letting the contractions get almost to "that" point, where I was thinking, THIS just might be it...then taking them away. The way I was feeling toward God. I "knew" that's what this was all about. So, like I said, Brad and I prayed about that together. And I prayed on my own. Then I have 2 smaller contractions which I took as my "sign" things were taken care of. That may sound silly, but that's how it felt to me at that time. It wasn't like...oh, more contractions..is this going to be it? or will these be stopped too? It was simply..like, a peace had come over me, that I had been heard and forgiven. Then, that was it...nothing more...finished w/a good night's sleep.
Monday morning, I'm up with Brad. He asks if I'd had anymore contractions or anything..nope, nothing, feeling fine. Then, not much more than 30 minutes after he's out the door, around 8 am..contractions start. I just hang out with them for a while. Ya know...been there done that..I didn't want to get my hopes up or anything. My contractions are about 5 minutes apart. Then by 9, things are getting harder. I can no longer walk during the contractions and even standing/straightening up wasn't working...it's like I couldn't get high enough. I was kind of dancing around on my tip toes to deal with the contractions. So I call Brad and tell him he needs to come home. No problem..be there in about 30-45 minutes. He asks if I've called our midwife, no not yet. 2 contractions later...I call her saying, I think we'll be needing you today. So she's heading over. Brad gets home and my contractions keep picking up. I'm already going through the "this is hard" and crying stuff. It's not long before I tell Brad to go clean the bathtub so I can get in there after a little bit. So, he cleans it comes back out to me. About 2 contractions later I say "Go run some hot water in the tub NOW" So he does and I'm running to the bathroom between contractions. I just felt the water calling me. I don't think there's anyway I could have stayed out of that tub. So here I am, in our regular sized bathtub with water up just as high as we can get it. My contractions are so intense!! I'm having a hard time dealing with them now. I'm trying to relax and open up but the weird thing was..the way for me to do that was to brace myself against the tub. I'm kneeling in the water, back pressed against the wall and arms stretched out in front of me pushing against the front saying "no-no no-no no-no" shaking my head, crying. I would feel the contraction start and I would begin to cry ... saying "nooo no" I so felt I couldn't do it anymore. Then of course, Brad knows what this is all about. So he gently reminds me I'm in transition and that means I'm almost there. That I can and will and am doing this. He tries to help me get back on top of my contractions. Poor guy. He was trying so hard and I was fighting him so hard! Every time a contraction hit I would brace myself, stretching out, moaning and screaming out "no-no no-no" shaking my head. Then I felt like I had to push. I didnt even say anything this time. It was just..hmm..and I did it and my water broke. Brad had turned his head away for something and I said that was my water, my water just broke. He's like no way..hon, you gotta slow down. LOL His famous last words LMBO But I know he's just saying that because he doesn't want me to tear. This time it wasn't so much the..you gotta slow down the midwife isn't here yet...it was more of..slow down, take it easy this time. But I just couldn't. I felt the urge to push again, I could feel the head. Now he is trying to get me up on hands and knees or something. He says I need to get up because he needs to get in there to get the baby and all that. I keep telling him I can't, I can't. But it wasn't a "I'm in transition, I can't do this I'm tired" kind of can't. It was an honest..I can NOT move to do that right now!! Well, we go back and forth a couple times then I finally said with the sternest, straightest face ever, looking dead in his eyes, "HON..I know..but I can't right now." Then I push, the head's out. Brad's trying to feel for the cord. Still trying to get under me. I get up on my knees just enough for him to do a real quick check then a couple more pushes and the baby's out. At 11:03, I lift the baby up from under me, kneel back down in the tub a little and hold the baby face down, rubbing his back for a while. Levi and Joel arrive at the bathroom doorway. Both with the biggest smiles on their faces. Levi exclaims, "there's our new baby" Daddy goes to get the syringe to suction him out. I finally turn him over to notice that he IS indeed a HE. And I as Levi and Joel head over to us I ask Levi what the baby's name is. He replies, "Benjamin" He has gone back and forth a couple of times on names, but mostly preferred Benjamin. I just wanted to see what he'd say when the baby actually got here. So, now, Benjamin is already pinking up. Then the midwife arrives as I continue to kneel there in the tub, holding this new little arrival. Yup, she missed it again.
But she helps me out of the tub after another minute or so. I was wanting out now. Then I deliver the placenta. I think I only had like one contraction, 2 pushes, it's done. After a couple more minutes resting there, in the bathroom floor, we make my way to the living room.
All the checks are done one mom and baby. I had a minor tear again. Same spot as with Joel. No big deal, just pay extra attention to keep it well cleaned this time.
Baby was just fine, weighing in at 7lb 12 oz. and 21 inches long. I sure expected him to be bigger than that. But he's still bigger than Joel was.
Now..our obstacles. He sucks his lip in really bad when trying to latch on. I try to coax him and pull it out w/my thumb on his chin but he gets mad at me and fights it. Then just ends up screaming his head off. So, I've been getting him on the best I can then gradually popping his lips out the way they should be. Then the problem is he crashes out after only a few sucks. But ya take him off, he wakes up and we start the whole process again!! So, we had a kinda rough first night. He had a belly ache too. Lots of gas and a couple messy diapers. So..made for a rough night indeed.
Then add to the top of that...me...I'm having my own problems..my own issues to deal with. Feeling no connection to or affection for the baby. And being frustrated because he wouldn't eat/latch on properly.
But...we're doing better now. I talked to Brad that first night about my frustrations/feelings. It helped a lot just to get that out..just to say it outloud. I had a much easier time dealing with it all after speaking it. Brad assured me things would be ok. That it was good to talk about it, talk about it as much as I needed to. That if I kept it all bottled up inside, I wasn't going to get rid of that feeling. That things would only get worse if I dwelled on them. I knew that. So, I was determined NOT to let that get the best of me. I kept a positive attitude and we overcame it all.
Home