September 23, 1999...How Much Do I Love Thee

My experiences as the Mom of a joint-custody child...it is not easy

My oldest child is a joint custody kid. It has become necessary for her to spend the majority of her time with her father in Arkansas, which just happens to be 1000 miles away from me. For those of you who just dropped your mouse in the floor at the thought of a Mommy "giving up her child" I'd like to share my story with you as food for thought.

My daughter is the classic "Daddy's Little Girl", even when she was an infant she went to him first for any and all things. I discovered this fact when she was about sixth months old and refused to let me rock her to sleep unless she was sick. Of course, Daddy could rock her any old time and she loved it. To a first-time Mom this was devastating, but I was glad she was close to Daddy.

The attachment with Daddy was not completely to the exclusion of Mommy, just in specific areas. I worked full-time and usually 6 days a week as a newspaper reporter and the "do everything they told me to" person, because we were broke most of the time with both of us earning about $5 an hour. So my baby girl spent more and more time with the sitter or Daddy and less with me.

Our divorce when she was 18 months old did not improve the situation. But being loving parents we decided that in no way would we allow this separation to hurt her anymore than we could prevent. So, in the middle of the night when she woke up crying for him, I called him and he came over and stayed with her until she was once again in slumberland. And anytime he wasn't working around the clock and I was, baby girl went to Daddy's house.

Her Daddy's job was one where he worked on the road for a few weeks then was home for a week or three with nothing to do. So during his time off, Baby girl went to Daddy's house. I believed then and still believe today that it was better for her to be with her Daddy whom she loved and who loved her than with a baby sitter or another family member. And so it went, until I met the man of my dreams and married again.

Not long after my marriage, Baby girl started Kindergarten, which drastically changed her world. She could no longer go to Daddy's house for days on end anytime he was home. Now she was limited to every other weekend and one date night on Wednesdays in between. However, being only 30 miles away she could call him on the telephone whenever she wanted to talk to Daddy.

This situation changed before Kindergarten was finished, because my husband entered the U.S. Army as an active-duty soldier.

The Army moved us lock, stock and barrel to Fort Riley, Kansas, some 600 miles away from Daddy. So we adopted the summer/Christmas visitation schedule, in which Daddy got 7 weeks of summertime and a week at Christmas which had always been the norm. When every visit rolled around, we loaded up and drove to Joplin, MO., the half-way point, and exchanged child and baggage.

In our second year of this behavior problems that had arisen since our move to Kansas became really difficult with Baby girl. The once quiet, sparkling, yet spoiled child began to have a horrible temper which she unleashed with much fury from day to day. And Baby girl began wetting the bed, which she had never done since potty-training at 18 months old.

What was I to do?

This worried Mommy called friends, family members, Daddy, professionals ranging from pediatricians to counselors looking for something to help Baby girl. Eventually the advice of all came down to a question, How Much Do I Love My Child? Because the consensus was that either she was undergoing an extreme personality change or her safety zone was destroyed by the distance between her and her Daddy. There was only one way to find out.

After much thought, prayer and tears, I called her Daddy and told him he'd have to come and get Baby girl so that we could see if the advice givers were right. I was to the stage that I would do anything to keep from causing my child one more day of pain. So it was agreed that I'd talk to Baby girl and get back to one ecstatic Daddy.

The following day, as I pondered how to broach the subject with Baby girl, we went for a walk and she answered my questions for me. My seven-and-a-half-year-old child held my hand as we walked. Then out of the blue Baby girl stopped and asked a very profound question.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and asked, "Mommy what do you do when you miss somebody so much that it hurts right here?" putting her hand over her heart.

"Well baby I ask God to help me fix it." I told her honestly.

"Some days," she continued, "I miss my Daddy so bad and it hurts so much, I just don't know what to do." She paused struggling for words. "Mommy if I ask you something will you promise not to cry or get mad?"

"I promise," I said worried at the question but almost feeling it coming.

"Would you let me go live at my Daddy's house for a while, I been with you since I was a baby and maybe it could be his turn for a while?" she asked, then looked quickly to the ground.

"Baby, if you think going to live at Daddy's house will fix the hurt in your heart then we'll give it a try," the hardest words I'd ever spoken came out. Which was followed by more conversation as to the hows and whys and what I will do's. And in about a week Daddy drove from Arkansas to get Baby girl and take her to live at his house. We agreed that we'd try two years at his home then two years at mine with the other having the regular summer and Christmas visits.

I really thought this was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know that in two and a half years I'd relive the same separation and it would be even harder. Baby girl spent two years with Daddy and came to visit Mommy in the summer the first year. Then when the second summer rolled around, July 1997, Mommy, who had moved to Virginia by then because the Army transferred us, drove to Knoxville, Tennessee and brought Baby girl home for two years.

At first everything went marvelous, Baby girl adjusted to the change and life was wonderful. We did special things together, she'd changed sooo much in two years. It was like walking on air. Then Christmas rolled around and we all traveled to Arkansas to visit the family for the holiday and Baby girl spent time with Daddy as planned.

Not long after returning home however, Baby girl had lots of trouble in school. After being a straight-A student grades plummeted making us fear her flunking fourth grade. And she began to act odd at times, withdrawling from activities again. Meanwhile, Uncle Sam decided to engage the Army in peace keeping activities in the middle east again, so our future was unsure. The decision was made....once again Baby girl would go back to Daddy's house.

So on March 14th, 1998 after only seven months of bliss, I stood in the airport at Norfolk, Virginia, and watched my now 10-year-old Baby girl, board a plane headed for Memphis, Tennessee. There Daddy would pick her up and they'd resume the home-life I envied above all things, because Baby girl was a part of it -- everyday, all week long.

The hardest thing I've ever done in my life is stand at the big plate glass window and watch that huge airplane take off up into the air with my Baby girl aboard. Me standing there shedding tears of pain only a Mommy would understand, knowing fully that she would only return to visit until she grew up enough that time away from Daddy wouldn't hurt so much. I'm still waiting.

So How Much Do I Love Thee...Oh, Child of Mine?.....I love thee so much, I give you to God to protect until you return to my arms next summer.

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