Jokes

• Brighter Side of Marriage
• Diet Program
• What is Politics?
• Why BEER is better than WOMEN or MEN?
• Woman
• MEN vs WOMEN (A Comparison) 
• Cute Quotes 

Brighter Side of Marriage

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
   
2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
   
3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
   
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
   
5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
   
6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
   
7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.
   
8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
     - The Engagement Ring
     - The Wedding Ring
     - The Suffe-Ring
     - The Endu-Ring
   
9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
     - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
     - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
     - In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
   
10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
    
11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
     You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
    
12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!
    
13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
     A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
    
14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
    
15. Son:  How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
     Father:  I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
     Son:  Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
     Father:  That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
    
16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"
    
17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
    
18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
    
19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
     But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
    
20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
     They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

1. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
2. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
3. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
4. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
5. A man inserted and 'ad' in the classified: Wife wanted. Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
6. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
7. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
8. A woman was telling her friend: "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
   "And what was he before you married him", asked the friend.
   The woman replied: "A multi-millionaire."

Diet Program

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night Ihear you and daddy making noises, and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, Well, that won't work!"

His mom says, "Why?!?"

To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

What is POLITICS?

SON: DAD, I HAVE TO DO A SPECIAL REPORT FOR SCHOOL. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
FATHER: SURE SON, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
SON: WHAT IS POLITICS?
FATHER: WELL, LET'S TAKE OUR HOME FOR EXAMPLE. I AM THE WAGE EARNER, SO LET'S CALL ME MANAGEMENT. YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO WE'LL CALL HER GOVERNMENT. WE TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO LET'S CALL YOU THE PEOPLE. WE'LL CALL THE MAID THE WORKING CLASS AND YOUR BABY BROTHER WE WILL CALL THE FUTURE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SON: I'M NOT REALLY SURE, DAD. I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning:

SON: DAD, NOW I THINK I UNDERSTAND POLITICS.

FATHER: THAT'S GREAT SON, EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS.

SON: WELL, DAD, WHILE MANAGEMENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS, THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP. THE PEOPLE ARE BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED AND THE FUTURE IS FULL OF SHIT.

Why BEER is better than WOMEN or MEN?

Reasons why beer is better than WOMEN

Beer is never late.
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
Beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
You can share a beer with your friends.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
Beer is always WET.
You can have a beer in public.
After you have had the beer you can just dump the empty bottle.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
It's OK to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.
Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
Beer is easy to get into.


Reasons why beer is better than MEN

You can get the size beer you want, even a long neck.
You can suck one beer all night long if you want to.
Your beer doesn't have to be hard to be good.
A beer TASTES GOOD.
Just because you have dinner with beer, doesn't mean you have to sleep with it.
When a beer is finished it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.

(NB: I've seen this once when I went to a bar during my college days. -- Romy)

WOMAN

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'.
If you don't you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a play boy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't , she thinks you do not love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her.
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way .
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls' .
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
Oh God! you created those creature called "WOMAN'.
So simple, yet so complex.
So weak, yet so powerful.
So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O LORD, tell me what to do. AMEN."

MEN vs WOMEN (A Comparison)

Men: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Women: A successful woman is one who can find a husband who makes more money than she can spend.

Men: A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
Women: A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want.

Men: Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women: Women always want to be a man's last romance.

Men: To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Women: To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

Men: A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
Women: A woman marries a man expecting him to change, but he doesn't.

Men: A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Women: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

Cute Quotes

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."

"Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
  but eventually you find a hairstylist you like."

"Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
 They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them."

"One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds."

"It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions."

"I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart."

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place,
 but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

"Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician."

"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever."

" Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone."

"Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show."

"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."

"Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness."

"If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything."

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing."

"I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese."

"I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire."

"Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes."

"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."

"Age is important only if you're cheese or wine."

"The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby."

"Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes."

"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out,
  but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."

"Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards."