Hear a recorded Greeting from Mister Ed Himself!
This is going to be a tirade written in stream of conciousness!
I am fully responsible for its content! If you are
offended by challenges to your sanity or intelligence, read no further!
I've gotten some interesting email since I started writing this little Op Page,
and I'd like to share some of it with you. Since much of it is filled with
expletives and references to my simian heritage, I'll paraphrase. I might even
make up fictional personalities in order to inflate the overall importance and
impact this column weilds over the lives of everyday citizens. It's MY Page,
and I'll do what I feel like...
A Mr Fred Scmiletnikov writes:"Dear Mister Ed, I have a problem with dandruff.
My co-workers say the cruelest things to me, and even my pet iguana, Mildred,
won't sit on my head anymore. I'm desperate for a cure. What would you recommend?"
Well, Fred, if that IS your real name, I'm not a licensed physician, and I don't
play one on TV, but here are a couple of suggestions: 1) Take some nails and
several pieces of board down to your workplace and, before anybody can get out,
you whack that lumber into place to seal them in. Next, run a long hose from your car
exhaust....hmmm, maybe you should just get a job where you don't have to
interact on a human basis with any humans, like say the DMV. 2)A pet IGUANA? Now
that's weird! Maybe not REAL weird, but a little "off". I've heard that the
essence of baked iguana can clear up dandruff in just one treatment. Or is that
acne? Good Luck, and let me know how it all turns out.
The next note comes from Dorothea Lange, the famous photographer, from beyond
the grave via a Ouija Board. "You will met a terrible fate...the chain you
are forging in life is now fully three times the length of the one I...Wait, is
this the Gingrich house? Sorry, I got crossed up. What I wanted to ask was
where you got your ideas for this wonderful column. Oh, and you're going to
die in a freak hot tub accident at the age of beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
Well, shoot...she must've got disconnected. Ms Lange, I get my inspiration from
the ebb and flow of life around me. I observe, I take notes, I try to look at
the comedy of errors that is the human condition and then I pick up a newspaper
and complain about whatever the heck I want to. And thanks for asking.
***
Okay...the White House is warning Congress to take it easy on a broad ban on
cigarette advertising because it might be "unconstitutional". Meanwhile, that
same group is warning terminally ill people in California that they'd better
not depend on marijuana to bail them out of the pain and suffering they're
going through "because it's illegal". You know, it's NOT illegal in California
to provide pot to seriously ill people. What it does is tick people in power off
that the PEOPLE made their OWN decision about it. Why do we go to the trouble
to vote at ALL, if the government is going to strike down our will? The answer is:
THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT! Once we get the clue that it's useless to express
our free will at the ballot box and give up, the only people who vote will
be the ones that bought into this screwed-up system in the FIRST place! Why
are we concerned about protecting the "rights" of tobacco companies when they
deal in a product that kills HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WORLDWIDE, and
then send in jack-booted THUGS to Cannibis Clubs to pull up tobacco's mellow
second-cousin? Let's hear it for rational thought! Hip, Hip, *cough, wheeze,
hack, hack........
Tell St Peter at the Pearly Gates, he'll just have to wait, you got to smoke another cigarette!
