Wedgies Across America

Ah, the USA, where anyone can suceed by pullin himself up by his bootstraps--or his nieghbor by his elastic.

Carefuly picked & plucked from the bowels of Wegdie Page e-mail archives, heres a few furtive hidden nuggets of regionol Americana:

Texas

First 'up' is my adoptad home State where inthe spirit of Lone Star hospitalty, its much worse to recieve than give. A long, wide, deep tradition paints a dark swath acros this vast state, from Cotton Center (79021) to Chocolate Bayou (77511). Our reknowned & debrowned Texas Wedgie is very simple: Your recipient's 'Browning' (75705) merely hasto be the BIGGEST inthe Lower 48.

Deep South

General Lee's 'Unconditionol Surender' at Apomatox meant that Gen. Grant had a right to Wedgie the vanquished--but he refused outof respect for his courtly Suothern rival. Now, If Gen Sherman was there he'd of tried; but you know Lee woud of kicked his ass, restartin the War.

In this region we find Butts (30442) and Snapfinger, GA (30035), Blackburn (72959) AR, and Alabama's serendipotosly named Pulltight (35548), Boar Tush (35565), and, (depending on your pre-wegdie eats: Burnt Corn 36431). But they all pale in color & wash out easy compared to what my Tulane fans write of the famous Louisana Hot Spice Wedgie.

First developed in Cotton Valley (71018), wheted to new hieghts in Brown Heights (70714), and ultamately perfected in Crackville (71327), in this cursed incursion, Wegdie Bosses sprinkle cajin spices in your shorts before you get the shrift.

Also called a 'Brown Pelicon' for the State Bird, theyre extremly populor at Mardy Gras. So be careful out on Buorbon St. when your drunk and other partygoers ask you to flash them your ass in exhange for those beads & tokens. Its NOT worth it.

New York

Probly the Wedgie center ofthe US. Think about it: Wedgies are the ultimate rudeness. The state motto is "Exelsior" which means 'Ever Upword'. The home team is the "YANKees".

Subway riders are proudly called Strap Hangers. Theres a big park named 'Battery' and how do you get to it?--Drivin thru a TUNNEL. And finaly acording to my readers, Wall St. has a high number of 'Upwordly Mobile Jerks' so there you have it.

While theres no proof to the legend Albany is a contraction of old Dutch "All-By-Hiney" the home state of Joey BUTTofuco is home tothe famed Dead Man Walking Wedgy. Its the one the victim DARES NOT PLUCK OUT lest he be re-wedgied. He walks around 'packed' all thru gym class while the weggie giver points & brags at his work. Victims keep it in to avoid another, & must also anounce his presence by cryin out: "Dead Man walkin!" In the creul but tempored law of the streets no one else can give him a wegie--at least not till after gym.

New Yorkors can be rude but youd never know it from the frendly Wedgie related email I get from places like Browns Hollow (13317), Wedgewood (14891), Surprise (12176) and Hyndsville (12043).

Sick of harsh NY State Wedgie Taxes? Vote with your feet--commute in from atractive New Jersy locales like Buttzsille (07828), Pluckemin (07978) or park your butt in Conneticut's Puddle Town (06022).

Rockies

What better place to 'hike' than Americas hieghts? Colrado, Idaho & Nevada all have a 'Deep Creek' but the Rockies are still the least populor US region for wedgies. The tradition ofthe Old West still lives in this land of the 'Great Divide'. As it is a rear asault, many veiw it as the equal of shootin another cowboy inthe back.

In this clear mountian air, Hygiene (80533) usualy rules, but theres still the ocasional Burns (80426) in Colorado, the light stain of Burnt Water (86512) or Upper Greasewood (86507) in Arizona, & a quick mean trip to Incline Village NV (89450). Utah's religgious foundors were right naming it The Devil's Slide (84050).

The wedgy-sparse West is, howevor, home to Granfather's personol favrite: Idaho's town of Slickpoo (83524).

Northwest

Once a wedgie wasteland, our Pacific corner where you find Pullman (99163), SPOTTED owls, and 'Grand Coolie Dam' is having a wedgie Reinasance of sorts:

One, the whole Grunge scene: Yes, 'grunge' is a hidden wedgy metafore...

Two, the TV show Frazier, whose centrol actors are most wedgie worthy: They say Niles has overtook Bil Gates as the Washigtonian most Americans wish they coud 'wedge'

.And finaly in lovly Seatle a plethora of unique 'local color' emerges of late: Like the 'Expresso' (small, bitter, dark); The 'Latte' (mild--leavs a light stain); the 'Mocha Latte' (same, but more choclaty); The Capuchino, (this one makes a odd slurpy noise in your pants).