Y'allbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

• HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
• HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
• BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage - "My brother bard my pickup truck."
• JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
• BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage - "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
• MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage - "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and Ah ain't herd from him in munts."
• THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage - "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
• BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage - "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
• IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage - "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
• RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage - "Ah thank ah left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
• ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage - "Ah sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
• FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage - "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
• TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage - "Gee, Ah hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
• TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage - "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
• RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage - "My grampaw retard at age 65."
• FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage - "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
• RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage - "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
• CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage - "Just set that bare rat cheer."
• FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage - "Ah cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
• DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage - "He's did, Jim."
• ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas- Oxygen. Usage - "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"
• BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage - "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
• JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage - "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
• HAZE - a contraction. Usage - "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
• SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
• VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage - "Ah ain't never seed New York City ... 'view?"
• GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage - "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."