Weebaby's Joke Archives
Page 1

The Army of the Lord

Bubba

When I Grow Up

A one-dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff: church, church, church."

You Can't Have Christian Unity if you Don't Speak the Same Language

Cardinal:
Catholics: a high church official.
United Methodists: mascot of St. Louis baseball team.
Lutherans: a color close to magenta.

Wing tips:
Catholics: feathery appendages decorating angels.
Mormons: the extreme ends of the parts of airplanes that keep them in the air.
Episcopalians: shoes often worn to church, usually by men.
Lutherans: shoes often worn to weddings and funerals, usually kept in cloth bags on cedar shoe trees in the back of the closet, well away from the Hush Puppies or Bass Weejuns.

Fellowship:
Evangelicals: a sharing of Scripture, prayer and worship in a community setting.
Quakers: a good feeling.
Catholics: a terrific study grant.
Lutherans: Holy Communion.

Beer:
Catholics: Something to drink while they play Bingo.
Lutherans: Almost a sacrament.
Blue-stocking Episcopalians: Won't admit using it to each other.
Baptists: Neither will they (but for different reasons.)

Plant 3 rows of squash
1. Squash gossip
2. Squash criticism
3. Squash indifference

Plant 7 rows of peas
1. Prayer
2. Promptness
3. Perserverance
4. Politeness
5. Preparedness
6. Purity
7. Patience

Plant 8 rows of lettuce
1. Let us be unselfish
2. Let us be loyal
3. Let us be faithful to duty
4. Let us search the scriptures
5. Let us not be weary in well doing
6. Let us be obedient
7. Let us be truthful
8. Let us love one another

No garden is complete without turnips

1. Turn up for church
2. Turn up for meetings in prayer and Bible study
3. Turn up for adoration
4. Turn up with a smile, even when things are difficult
5. Turn up with dertermination to do your best in God's service

Make sure your garden gets plenty of exposure to the Son!

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were brought to her, she saw that some of the youngsters had drawn the conventional pictures ... the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding on the mule, etc.

But she called up one little boy to ask him to explain his drawing, which showed an airplane with four heads sticking out of the plane windows.

She said, "I can understand that you drew three of the heads to show Joseph, Mary, and Jesus. But who's the fourth head?"

"Oh," answered the boy, "that's Pontius the pilot!"

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon the Rabbi presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual of rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate. Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher.Ê However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.

Timothy: Too young!

Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

Wanted By:

the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Department of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, the NATIONAL BOARD of PSYCHIATRISTS for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,
the NOW for not choosing a woman apostle, the ABORTION RIGHTS LEAGUE for saying that whoever harms children, it is better that they had never been born,
the INTER-FAITH MOVEMENT for condemning all other religions, and by the
ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit.

Guess Who?

Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.

Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less.

Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Someone said to Joseph of Arimathea, "That was such a beautiful, costly, hand-hewn tomb. Why did you give it to someone else to be interred in?"

"Oh," said Joseph, "he only needed it for the weekend."

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

[posted by Naomi on Rehu]

On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left open.

"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red "A" under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question: "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat really didn't care one way or the other.

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

21 - Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

22 - Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

23 - Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

24 - Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

25 - Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau

The right way to spell POTATO should be:
"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

Two guys go hunting. Tim has never gone hunting. Scott has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Scott tells Tim to sit quietly by a tree while Scott checks out a deer stand and to not make a sound. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Scott hears a blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Tim and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Tim says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any longer!"

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... Look, He's Moving!"

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.Ê Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher, "I can't find it."

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.Ê The teacher asked Tommy, "Well, did you find it?"

Tommy was quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards!

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine-years-old and the other one is four-years-old. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine-year-old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?"

The nine-year-old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four-year-old little brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

Dear Mr. President:

I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Wiley, and Juanita Broadrick. Are there any others that we should know about?

2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until he was older to discuss it with him, but now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "IS" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex and one person may have