Things to think about:
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower
than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,
she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today
and we don't know where the heck she is.
--Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared
for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.
So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No
pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat
anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.
--Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the
first. By the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd
like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
--Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
--Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching
television by candlelight.
--George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean
it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's
life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
--Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot...
And suppose you were a member of Congress ...
But I repeat myself.
--MarkTwain
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student.
At least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe
hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their
noses when
they're eating sandwiches.
--Jim Carrey
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took
her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
how to swim.
I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim."
--Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's
man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the
planet. That may
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates
us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
--Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked
in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may
be thinking up something else.
--Lily Tomlin
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do
the wash.
--Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm
halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner.
--Lynda Montgomery
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to
be praying, but
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
--Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think
that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
--Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing
is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
--Jerry Seinfeld
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