Coming into adulthood, I knew I wanted to do something real with my life.

I wanted to be a leader or prophet, wanted to challenge my generation. My first 'hero' was a relative I had never met, my uncle Warren Shepherd, who risked his life (to save lives) in a dramatic fashion in the midst of combat during an engagement in the Spanish-American war. For his heroism above and beyond the call of duty, he was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor (CMH).

Later heroes have been John F. Kennedy, and his hero Winston Churchill, and then Martin Luther King, and Nelson Mandela. In recent years I discovered the papers and letters of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and similarly have been inspired. All these people are individuals who, I have felt, did something real with their lives. All of them let their candle shine, and truly served their generation, yes, and generations to come. All of them set such an example, that they put others on the spot.

What makes a hero? Obviously there must be a spirit of service. There must be a spirit of self-sacrifice. But self-sacrifice must be somehow offered purposefully. Foolish self destruction is all too vain and wasteful. Reading the splendid biography of Lawrence of Arabia by John E. Mack of Harvard, I learned how important upbringing can be in the molding and shaping of a great man, or a hero. Whence come the heroic vision and exemplary exploits? Somehow there is something instilled in the future-leader, a kind of spiritual "royal jelly" becomes part of his nurture and breeding. In the case of T.E. Lawrence, there was a drive, angst-impelled perhaps, pushing him toward excellence.

Guy R. Odom wrote an insightful book, Mothers, Leadership, and Success (1990), laying out the careful evidence demonstrating the highly critical and essential role of mothers in the motivation and future accomplishments of their sons. See quotes on mothers. T. E. Lawrence was similarly shaped and obviously inspired by his mother, and Dr. Mack shows dramatically how crucial that influence was on Lawrence subsequent endeavors.

How could I not yearn to be such a "giant" of accomplishment and self-sacrifice? Lawrence followed a star, so to speak. The stirrings of discontent and despair within him, the turmoil of almost neurotic proportions always simmering beneath the surface .... somehow alchemized into a life of heroic self-giving and valor.

Ironically, in my own make-up, has been an obstacle to the kind of greatness I think I see in someone like T.E. Lawrence, or the others mentioned. Wanting to be a hero, I nevertheless found it difficult to even be myself. In therapy I learned some of why I found it so hard to be true to myself. Much has been written by professionals in the field, by psychologists and others. Going back (it was 1980) Dr. Irene Kassorla pointed out that when you are an approval seeker, you will find it hard to impossible simple to tell the truth, simply to be who you are. I realized an uncomfortable fact. I am thoroughly an approval seeker of the kind Dr. Kassorla described.

Wanting to be a hero, I have found it difficult even to stand up against the pettiest of prejudices. How can I set a good example, something I've always desired to do, when I am a slave to "approval seeking" -- as Dr. Kassorla said? Dare I risk the loss of approval by taking a stand of integrity and self-disclosure? Do I have the simple courage to truly challenge my generation to a higher standard?

Being an approval seeker stands in the way.

As a child I sang a song "Dare to be a Daniel, Dare to stand alone. Dare to have a purpose firm. Dare to make it known." The Bible heroes from Joseph in Genesis, to Daniel, to the martyrs of early Christianity ... all set the example of a kind of heroism or self-sacrifice that I could hold up for my own possible emulation. They, as humans like me, lived the values of faith and fortitude that I also sought to internalize ... and then to live out, in my own life.