"YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THE WHOSERS!"
***********************************
A "Whose Line is it Anyway?" / "You Can't Do That on Television" crossover
By Jeff K.
DISCLAIMER: The Whosers in the following work are real. Only certain names have been changed to
protect the innocent (and no, I don't mean Emile!).
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PRE-EMPT
(Photo of Stephen Fry and John Sessions)
ANNOUNCER (voiceover)
"Stephen Fry and John Sessions Play Helping Hands" will not be seen at this time, because you
can't say "hand" on this network. In its place, we present the following program in desperate
need of help.
*****
BEDROOM SET
(Julie is sitting on the bed staring glassy-eyed into space. Jessie is standing in front of her
waving a gold hypnotic pendulum, while Jeff looks on disapprovingly.)
JESSIE
... and when you wake up, you will no longer constantly talk about Whose Line is it Anyway?...
JEFF
I'm not sure I like this idea at all, Jess!
JESSIE
Jeff, quit worrying! It's the only way to cure a Whoser!
JEFF
Maybe she doesn't need to be cured!
JESSIE
She asked me to do it! Trust me, it's okay!
JEFF
It just seems dangerous.
JESSIE
Jeff, I know what I'm doing. Besides, a person under hypnosis can't be talked into doing
anything they don't really want to do deep down!
JEFF
Are you sure?
JESSIE
Watch, I'll show you. Julie... jump out the window!
(Julie slowly rises from the bed and heads for the window, then flings herself through without
opening it first. We hear a THUD as Jeff and Jessie rush to the window.)
JULIE (off camera)
OH, MY HEAD... OH! MY LEG... CALL A DOCTOR, CALL AN AMBULANCE... OH, MOAN, GROAN...
JEFF (excitedly)
Jess, you did it! She's not talking about Whose Line!!!
*****
OPENING ANIMATION
*****
FIRING SQUAD SET
(Emile is at the post.)
CAPITANO
Ready... aim...
EMILE
Wait a minute, wait! Stop the execution!
CAPITANO
What is it this time?
EMILE
Before I die, I have a last request... I simply must do one final hoedown!
CAPITANO
Ah, not to worry, there will be plenty of hoedowns where YOU'RE going, right, amigos? Ha ha...
EMILE
But the music's starting now, listen!
(Hoedown music begins to play)
CAPITANO (looking around)
What?... What is this?...
EMILE
It's the Execution Hoedown! You're first, go ahead!
CAPITANO
Hoedown?... But... I can't...
EMILE
Okay, okay, I'll go first! We'll switch!
(They change places)
EMILE
Now here's how to do it...
OH, EXECUTIONS REALLY AREN'T VERY MUCH FUN
WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL OF A GUN
BUT THAT'S OKAY, FOR NOW I'VE ACHIEVED MY DESIRE
TO BE THE ONE BESIDE YOU SHOUTING "READY, AIM, FIRE!!!"
(Capitano gets shot.)
CAPITANO
That... is one... sneaky...
(He falls to the ground.)
EMILE
Good thing he didn't say "kid", or I'd have had to kill him... Oh, wait...
*****
BARTH'S
(Jessie, Sam, Merts, and Nick are seated at a booth.)
BARTH (bringing out food)
Here they are... your Whoserburgers!
JESSIE
I have to admit it, Barth, for once you had a good idea!
BARTH
Well, you people talk so much about that What Line Was it Anyhow show, so I figgered...
NICK
Yeah, naming the food after contestants was a stroke of genius!
BARTH (proudly)
Not just NAMING...
MERTS
What do you mean, "not just naming"...?
SAM
What do you think he means? Who do you think's IN the burgers?
BARTH
Very funny, very funny! You really think I'd do that?
SAM
Well, no...
BARTH
Course not... Patterson's price was too high. So I did the next best thing...
JESSIE (spitting out a mouthful of hair)
Barth! There's hair in my Ryanburger!
BARTH (even more proudly)
Yep, he was in here last week... didn't even notice...
JESSIE
But there's no hair in HER burger!
MERTS
That's why I ordered the Clive.
NICK (picking hair out of his food)
Barth, why is this hair so frizzy?
BARTH
You ordered the Josie, didn't you?
NICK
But Josie hasn't had frizzy hair since 1988!
BARTH
Yep... I remember, she changed her hair, oh, about a week after I made that...
(Everyone in the booth throws up.)
*****
LINK SET
(Julie and Emile are standing center stage.)
JULIE
Emile, where's Jeff? He was supposed to be here by now!
EMILE
No idea, but we'd better start.
JULIE
Right. "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, the show where nothing's made up,
and it doesn't matter that there's no point."
EMILE
"Today's show is all about..."
(Jeff suddenly runs in wearing a loud plaid jacket.)
JEFF
Well, hiya, hiya, hiya, hope I'm not too late for the intro! How's it going, Emile, old buddy,
old pal?
(Jeff slaps Emile on the back hard.)
EMILE
OOF.... it WAS going okay...
JULIE
Actually you are late, but we didn't finish the intro yet...
JEFF
Thanks Julie... Julie! (starts singing) "Julie, Julie, Julie, do ya love me...."
JULIE
Jeff, have you been into the wineb scollers again?
JEFF
Why no, I never work when I'm drinking! Where's the cue card? "Good evening, ladies and germs!"
Get it? Germs? Ha ha ha...
EMILE
Jeff, what are you doing? And what's that smell?
JEFF
Smell? Oh... it must be almost time for my annual bath. Or... it could just be this TROUT I
brought you!
(Jeff produces a large trout from his jacket and flings it at Emile and Julie.)
JULIE
Jeff, you had better explain yourself before I strangle you.
JEFF
Okay, okay. I figured anyone could do a conventional intro, but since today's show is all about
losers, I thought I'd demonstrate by being the biggest loser in the world. Pretty cool idea,
huh?
JULIE
Oh yeah, lovely... except the show is about WHOSERS!!!
JEFF
It's about what???
EMILE
Whosers... you know, those obsessive fans of Whose Line is it Anyway? who live and breathe the
show?
JULIE
Right...US!!! Whosers... NOT losers!!!
ROSS (entering stage left)
I thought they were the same thing!
JULIE
Ross, you stick to stage managing and we'll make the jokes, okay?
ROSS
And it's about time you started!
JEFF (removing jacket)
Okay, okay, first we'll reshoot this intro, and then...
ROSS
Not a chance! There's no budget for retakes!
JEFF
But Ross, I made an idiot out of myself! Give me another chance...
ROSS
Don't worry, you'll have plenty of chances to make an idiot out of yourself... and I bet you'll
take every one! (as he exits) All right, everyone set up for the classroom sketch...
JEFF (falling to his knees)
Oh come on, Ross! Just one more take! Please! PLEASE!!!
EMILE
Sorry, Jeff. Beggars can't be Whosers.
(Julie starts to strangle Emile.)
*****
CLASSROOM SET
(Cast seated at desks as usual)
TEACHER
All right, settle down... now who can name the 8th President of the United States of America?
Sam?
SAM
What are you asking me for? I'm Canadian!!!
TEACHER
Sam... don't make waves! Now who was the 8th President of the United States of America?
SAM
Actually, I think I do know this one. Yeah, the 8th President... wasn't he the one who said...
(pulls out slip of paper and reads) "The flying fish are lovely in Ohio this time of year"?
(Laughter from all around)
TEACHER
NO, he most certainly was not!
JULIE
Oh, I think she's right, sir. And his campaign slogan was... (pulls out slip of paper and reads)
"Grab the gun, Trisha!"
(More laughter)
TEACHER
All right, Julie. Since you seem to know so much about the man, suppose YOU tell us his name!
JULIE
Why, I'd be glad to! His name was of course...
(She faints, prompting a round of applause.)
TEACHER
There you go again, playing games! You people are entirely too obsessed with your silly games!
Do you think I got where I am by playing games? Donna! Can YOU answer the question?
DONNA
What question?
TEACHER
Weren't you listening?
DONNA
How could I listen with all the noise?
TEACHER
WHO WAS THE 8TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?
DONNA
Was it a Republican?
TEACHER
What difference does that make?
DONNA
Don't you know the difference between Republicans and Democrats?
TEACHER
Are you playing a game with me?
DONNA
Aren't you playing along?
TEACHER
ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME CRAZY?
DONNA
Would I do that?
TEACHER
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
DONNA
Aren't you the teacher?
TEACHER (slaps head)
Where does the school board find them, and why do they keep sending them to me???
JESSIE (whispers to Sam)
Are we really THAT obsessed?
SAM (whispers back)
Why do you think we're all still in grade school?
*****
DUNGEON SET
(Nick is chained to the wall.)
NASTI
Congratulations, Nick! Today is the day of your release!
NICK
All right! Blue skies... Barfy burgers... WHOSE LINE!!!
NASTI (as he unchains Nick)
Ah, yes, you've talked about nothing but that show for five years!
NICK
But that's all over at last! I can't wait to see Josie again!
NASTI
Too bad, because you'll have quite a long wait.
NICK
You mean... she's not on the show anymore?
NASTI
Gone... finished... kaput!
NICK
Then who do Paul Merton and Tony Slattery trade insults with?
NASTI (with evil grin)
Nobody...
NICK
You don't mean...???
NASTI (making slashing motion across his throat)
Both of them!
NICK
But they were all so good... how can they maintain their standard of comedy?...
NASTI
Oh, not to worry, Colin and Ryan have picked up the slack quite nicely. Every episode is full of
their...
NICK
Wait a minute, Colin and Ryan are in EVERY episode? Don't get me wrong, I like those guys, but
having two out of four seats the same each week seems...
NASTI
Three.
NICK
THREE?!?!
NASTI
Oh, you must see Wayne, he's hilarious!
NICK
But three out of four? How does Clive feel about that?
NASTI (evil grin returning)
He doesn't have much to say about it...
NICK
NO!!!
NASTI
Ah, but the new host is a marvelous American comedian...
NICK
Hold on... an AMERICAN comedian???
NASTI
Yes, and he's quite good... except when he tries to do improv.
NICK
HE TRIES TO DO IMPROV???
NASTI
Yes, and he's improving... but slowly...
NICK
Those handcuffs are starting to look awful good...
NASTI
Bite your tongue! You can't say a word like "hand" on that show anymore!
NICK
Oh, come on, TCN would never censor Whose Line!
NASTI
No... but ABC would!
NICK
ABC?!?! The network owned by.... DISNEY???
NASTI
That's the one!
NICK (trying to get back into chains)
NO! NO! Lock me up! I can't take it!
NASTI
Come now, Nick, you have a life to lead...
NICK
What life? Censored Whose Line... no Brits! Chain me back up, please!!!
(Nasti drags Nick away as he continues to protest.)
*****
DINING ROOM SET
(We open on a two-shot of Merts and Mom at the dinner table. Merts is typing away at a computer
keyboard.)
MOM
And how was your day, dear?... Sweetheart?...Hello?... Lance, will you please tell your daughter
not to use the computer at the dinner table?
DAD
Ya know, yer mother's right, aren't ya on that computer a bit too much lately?
MERTS
What?... Oh, I'm sorry, I was chatting with Donna on the computer...
MOM
MUST you do it during dinner?
MERTS
But we're Whosers! This is how we share all the latest information!
DAD
Cum on now, I never had a computer and look how I turned out!
MOM
You're not helping, Lance! (to Merts) I understand that you enjoy chatting with other...
Hosers...
MERTS
Whosers!
MOM
Whosers... but you're getting carried away!
MERTS
You just don't understand! Before I became a Whoser, I had no social life at all! The Whosers
got me out of my shell! Now I'm somebody... I'm a Whoser... and Whosers chat! Now give me one
good reason why I shouldn't be chatting with Donna on this computer!
MOM
Because she's sitting right next to you at the table!!!
(We cut to a wide shot showing Donna sitting next to Merts, also typing away and staring at her
own screen.)
MOM
Honestly, I think both of you have taken this obsession entirely too far!
MERTS
No, we haven't!
DAD
Of course ya have... why do ya think yer both still livin' at home?
DONNA (as she types)
"He's... got... a... point... there... Merts."
MERTS (typing back)
"Don't... encourage... him."
*****
LINK SET
(Everyone is hanging out on the set doing nothing.)
ROSS (entering stage left as usual)
What do you people think you're doing? We've got a show to do!
EMILE
But Ross, we ARE doing the show!
ROSS
What do you mean, you're doing the show! We don't pay you to sit around and goof off like the
lazy slugs you are!
JULIE
Ah, but this show is about Whosers, remember? We're just doing what Whosers do best! They sit
and chat...
DONNA
... and chat, and chat...
JEFF
... and then they go to bed... so wake me up when the show is over!
(Jeff turns over and lies down on the bottom riser, where he remains for the remainder of the
sketch.)
ROSS
Then you won't make a very good impression on your special guest...
SAM
Oh, are you bringing the president of the network by? Good, I've got a few words for him!
ROSS
It just so happens I've lined up an actual star of Whose Line is it Anyway? to appear at the end
of the show!
EMILE
Sure, Ross, who is it, the janitor?
JESSIE
No, probably the wardrobe mistress...
JULIE
Maybe Clive's hairdresser?
ROSS
No, you dim bulbs, I mean actual star as in "has appeared on the show"!
SAM
Oh great, he's probably got Archie Hahn backstage... or George McGrath...
NICK
Naah, he probably dug up the bones of Peter Cook!
ROSS
What do you take me for? I'm talking dozens and dozens of appearances!
DONNA
Okay, Ross, so just who is your mystery guest, hmmm?
ROSS
You'll find out...
JESSIE
Uh huh. Nice try, Ross, we weren't born yesterday!
MERTS
Right, we've been on this show for... (looks puzzled, turns to Nick) How long have we been on
this show?
NICK
About five minutes.
MERTS
Thank you. (turns back to Ross) We've been on this show for... FIVE MINUTES?!?!?!
NICK
Seems like an eternity...
SAM
What she's trying to say, Ross, is that you may have been able to fool the kids you worked with
for all those years, but you're dealing with adults now!
ROSS (looking around)
I am? Where???
JULIE
Very cute, Ross. Why don't you try putting as much effort into your little schemes as your
wisecracks?
JESSIE
Yeah, it takes more than that to put one over on the Whosers!
ROSS
All I'm saying is that I promise there WILL be a mainstay of the Whose Line cast on this stage
at the end of the show! Use that information wisely...
(He exits.)
NICK
What a sleaze.
EMILE
Guys... suppose there really IS going to be a Whose Line contestant here!
SAM
Come on, Emile, even you can't be THAT naive...
EMILE
Well, he DID say this person had made dozens and dozens of appearances. That would have to
mean...
NICK
It's got to be a trick.
DONNA
Yeah, Nick is right... for once.
MERTS
But suppose it isn't?
JESSIE
Now look, are we really so desperate to set eyes on a Whose Line contestant that we take that
chance and fall for one of Ross's dirty tricks?
JULIE
Of course not.
DONNA
No, never.
EMILE
Umm... how long until the end of the show?
NICK
Oh, about 24 minutes or so...
(They all sit looking at each other for a few seconds, then a mad scramble ensues as they
all rush offstage. The camera stays on the empty set for a few more seconds, then a
disheveled-looking Jeff emerges from the bottom of the screen covered in footprints.)
JEFF (staggering around)
HEY... I said to wake me up when the show was OVER...
*****
BLIP'S ARKAID
(Nick is totally absorbed in a video game labeled "Whose Video Game is it Anyway?" as Blip
looks on. Julie and Sam enter.)
JULIE
Hey Blip, what's the new game?
BLIP
Oh, it's my latest addition, based on that TV show you all love so much! Your friend is doing
real well!
NICK
Oh yeah... real well!
BLIP
You're doin' great, just great! Careful of those flying Twiglets!
SAM
So what's the object?
NICK
Blip... hasn't... told me yet.
BLIP
It'd just mess you up, you're doin' so good there! Uh-oh, look out for the neon love chicken!
(Loud explosion sound effects from the game)
BLIP
You got him! That's 872 points there!
NICK
I have no idea... what I just did!
BLIP
Just keep on going... there's Dan Patterson! Hit him with a salami!
JULIE
Can I play next, Blip? This looks like fun!
BLIP
Of course, Julie, just one dollar per play...
SAM
ONE DOLLAR? But all the other games are a quarter!
BLIP
But isn't it worth it to be virtually in your favorite show? (to Nick)
It's the Creature from Essex! Dodge it! Dodge it!
NICK
What?... How?...
BLIP
Get on your moped... but don't hit the animals crossing the road!
NICK
Blip... I think... you're making this up!
(Loud "running out of steam" sound effect from the game)
NICK
Wha... what happened?
BLIP
You hit a jam shortage! Game over!
NICK
WHAT??? No free game or anything? But I had 8 million points!
BLIP
That's right, it's "Whose Video Game is it Anyway?", the game where everything's made up and the
points don't matter, hee hee hee... Hey, where's everybody going?
*****
SCHOOL BUS
(Everyone is being thrown back and forth violently as the projected background whizzes by at an
alarming speed.)
EMILE (tripping and stumbling his way to the front)
Snake Eyes, slow down! You're gonna put us all in the hospital!
SNAKE EYES
I can't, I just gotta catch that new show Vs., with that guy from Whose Line, what's his
name...?
EMILE
Greg... (he falls to the floor)... UNHHH!
SNAKE EYES
No, not Greg Unhhh, Greg Proops, that's it! He's so funny, heh heh heh...
MERTS (emerging from under a seat with her hair in her face)
Yes, he's very funny! But that doesn't mean you can't be a little more careful!
SNAKE EYES
But if I slow down any, I might miss the show! And I promised myself after the one I saw that I
wouldn't miss any more!
JESSIE (as she's flung to the front)
But Snake Eyes... OOF... Vs. isn't even on in Canada!
SNAKE EYES
It is in America!
EMILE (picking himself dazedly up off the floor)
America?....
MERTS
Snake Eyes! You can't possibly get to America by 5:00!
SNAKE EYES
Well, don't you think I know that? That's why I'm headed for L.A.... gives us three more hours
to get there! Now HANG ON...
(The projected background accelerates to a blur, and everyone is thrown backward.)
EMILE
Even WE'RE not THAT obsessed!
JESSIE
Of course we are...
EVERYONE IN UNISON
... WHY DO YOU THINK WE NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE???
*****
LINK SET
(Nick and Donna are decorating the set with WL quotes.)
DONNA
I can't believe Ross actually locked the green room.
NICK
He's really trying to keep this mystery guest of his a secret.
DONNA
Either that, or he's trying to keep YOU a secret from the mystery guest!
NICK
Oh yeah? Well...
(Jeff suddenly rushes onstage.)
JEFF
Aha! Our mystery is solved! Look what I found just outside the green room... a HAIR!
NICK
Yeah... that's a hair, all right...
JEFF
A hair from a Whose Line contestant!
DONNA
You can't say that for sure, Jeff! It could be any of ours, or Ross's, or maybe a crew
member's...
NICK
He might have even had a woman in there... no, forget I said that.
JEFF
Well, I say this hair is going to tell us exactly who Ross has hidden away back there!
DONNA
Okay, Jeff, let's say that hair IS from a contestant! Do you know how long it'll take to get it
to a lab for analysis... and get the results back? There's got to be a simpler solution!
NICK
Hey, we could just send Donna in there and see who comes running out screaming!
DONNA
It's locked, remember?... (catches herself) Cute, Nick, real cute.
JEFF
We don't need to send it to a lab! We have the answer right here at our fingertips...
(Jessie enters.)
JESSIE
Hey, what's going on?
JEFF
Jess, just the person we wanted to see! Here... identify this!
JESSIE
Sure, Jeff... IT'S A HAIR!
JEFF
Yes, but... Whose hair is it, anyway? Come on, this is your department!
JESSIE
Jeff, you've got it all wrong. Sure, I can identify lots of forms of wildlife, but this doesn't
exactly qualify!
JEFF
Okay... so which Whose Line contestant is living the wild life right now in the green room?
JESSIE
You've gotta be kidding! I don't know where that's from!
(Jessie gets slimed.)
JEFF
Oh well... back to the drawing board.
JESSIE
Did Alanis Morissette really start out this way?
*****
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
(Merts is consulting with the doctor.)
MERTS
You see, Doctor, lately everything I do or see turns into a Whose Line reference! I'm really
worried about myself, I think I'm going crazy!
DOCTOR
Sounds like a serious problem, Merts. We'd better operate.
MERTS (taken aback)
Operate?!?! Well... if it's the only way... but it'll take a while to make all the
arrangements...
DOCTOR
No, I think we should do it right now.
MERTS
NOW?????
DOCTOR
It's a brand new procedure, I think you'll like it. Just let me call my assistant...
ASSISTANT!!!
(Emile enters carrying a tray of surgical instruments. He sets them down on the desk in front of
them, then the doctor puts his hands behind his back, and Emile thrusts his arms through and
starts putting on rubber gloves.)
DOCTOR (as Emile plays with the instruments)
So shall we start with a simple lobotomy? Or just chisel some of that bone away, make you less
of a bonehead? And don't forget this month's special... buy one frontal, get one free!
(Merts runs out of the office screaming as Emile picks up something resembling a hacksaw.)
DOCTOR
What's wrong with her? She's crazier than I thought!
(Emile shrugs.)
*****
LIVING ROOM SET
(Mom and Dad are seated. Jeff comes in and starts to walk out the door.)
MOM
Hold it right there, young man! Did you remember to put on clean underwear?
JEFF
Clean underwear? Uh, Mom... it just so happens that I'm 30 years old!
MOM
Oh, and does that make you any less likely to get in an accident? And have the doctors say,
"What kind of mother could this man have had? She never taught him to wear... CLEAN
UNDERWEAR!!!" (She starts to cry.)
JEFF
Mom... Mom... take it easy! I'm only going out with Rachel and Becky!
DAD
Ya see, Valerie, NO ONE'S gonna be seein' his underwear tonight!
JEFF
Uh, thanks, Dad... I think. Now, Mom, do you really think after all these years I'd actually go
out in dirty underwear?
MOM (calming down)
No, I suppose not.
JEFF
Of course not. Anyway, I'll see you... good night!
DAD
So where ya goin' to?
JEFF
Oh, it's a costume party... come as a Whose Line is it Anyway? player! I think I've got a pretty
good shot at winning!
MOM
And who are you supposed to be?
JEFF
Tony Slattery. Good night!
DAD
Gooood night, son...
(Jeff walks out the door.)
MOM
Odd... he wasn't dressed as Tony Slattery...(Her eyes widen in horror at the sudden realization)
GET BACK HERE!!!!
*****
LINK SET
(Everyone except Sam is decorating the set.)
DONNA
Well, I'd say it's shaping up nicely!
JEFF
It'd be nicer if we knew who it was shaping up FOR...
(Sam comes rushing in.)
SAM
Guys! I know who our guest is!
(Hardly any reaction)
NICK
Oh really, and how do you know that?
SAM
I overheard him talking to Ross!
(Everyone quickly comes to attention.)
NICK
You just got my interest.
MERTS
So who is it? Greg? Ryan? Wayne? Tony?
SAM
Better than that...
JULIE
You don't mean...
SAM
It's the one and only... John Sessions!!!
NICK
I can't believe it! That's great news!
JESSIE
And here I was worried that it would be COLIN for about the hundredth time...
JULIE
I'm actually going to meet John Sessions! I feel so honored!
DONNA
I think I'll go change, I want to look really nice for this!!!
EMILE
WHAT??? What is wrong with you people? We're talking about John Sessions here!!! You must have
all gone nuts... unless... this is just...
EVERYONE IN UNISON
... THE INTRODUCTION TO THE OPPOSITES!!!
(Screen flips)
*****
LIVING ROOM SET (OPPOSITE)
(Donna and Julie are watching television.)
DONNA
Don't you just love Friends?
JULIE
Oh, it's gotta be the best show on the air! So fresh, so innovative... how can they be so clever
every week?
DONNA
And Matt LeBlanc... now THERE'S talent!
JULIE
And that Matthew Perry! I can't imagine anyone ever making a better use of sarcastic wit...
DONNA
Well, that's why they've trounced all their competition!
JULIE
Right, they couldn't possibly put anything on up against it that would make me stop watching
THIS show!
(Nick bursts in the door.)
NICK
Quick, change the channel! Kwik Witz is on!
(Julie and Donna scramble for the set.)
*****
BARTH'S (OPPOSITE)
(Jeff, Sam, Emile, and Merts are seated at a booth.)
JEFF
Hey Barth, what are all these new items on the menu?
BARTH
Oh, I've decided to upgrade! From now on, Barth's will serve the finest in foreign cuisine!
MERTS
Look at this! Filet mignon... chateau brigand...
EMILE
Ewwwww! How disgusting can you get?
JEFF
Aren't you gonna serve any more Maggotburgers?
BARTH
Oh, I couldn't...
EMILE
How about the Roadkill Surprise?
BARTH
No! Heavens, no!
SAM
But I'm just dying for some of your famous Cream of Cat!
BARTH
Never! Never!
MERTS
And I'll never survive without Chocolate Mouse for dessert!
BARTH
Well... look... there IS one new item I didn't put on the menu, but you wouldn't want that...
SAM
What is it?
BARTH
Twiglets.
JEFF/SAM/EMILE/MERTS
TWIGLETS???!!!
JEFF
Oh boy, bring 'em on! I'll have three bags worth!
EMILE
Make that four for me!!!
MERTS
Say, Barth... do you think I could take some Twiglets home with me?
SAM
And I'll take whatever's left over...
*****
FRONT PORCH SET (OPPOSITE)
(Jessie, Donna, and Nick are seated on the porch. Julie and Sam enter.)
JESSIE
Hey, what have you two been up to?
JULIE
Oh, I was just giving Greg Proops my autograph again. The man just can't stay away from me.
SAM
Yeah, and Steve Frost just had to gush and gush over me... you know how obsessed those
contestants are with us Whosers!
JESSIE
Tell me about it. Last month Colin Mochrie was all over me... and, oh, the innuendo that man
used! I was shocked!
JULIE
You're so sweet and innocent, Jessie.
DONNA
Of course every Whose Line contestant has come on to me... but I only have eyes for Nick! Right,
sugar bear?
NICK
You know it, honey pie!
SAM
I don't care if this is an opposite sketch, I'm gonna be sick!
(Sam throws up.)
*****
SCHOOL HALLWAY (OPPOSITE)
(Merts is at a locker. Jeff comes running up.)
MERTS
Jeff! Did you get it?
JEFF (handing her a video)
Yep! This is everything... Wayne interviews, a few McShane guest shots, some old promos, and I
think there's a rare Ryan Stiles stand-up bit on there!
MERTS
Great!
(She pulls a hammer out of the locker, then puts the video up against the wall and smashes it to
smithereens.)
JEFF
You really are a saint, Merts! If we didn't have you to destroy tapes... everyone would have
that stuff!
*****
STREET CORNER SET (OPPOSITE)
(Sam, Jessie, Emile, and Julie are hanging out.)
SAM
So how was the taping, you guys?
EMILE
Oh, pretty typical. They had to do 17 takes because Brad kept misreading the cue cards... He
said he wanted to really improvise, can you believe that?
JESSIE
And Colin and Ryan didn't get a laugh between them. You'd think that by now the producers would
realize that those two just don't work well together!
EMILE
Then Wayne tried to sing, but he was all off key, as usual...
JULIE
And Greg... Oh, don't get me started on him, he... he...
JESSIE
What's wrong, Jules?
JULIE
It's just... I can't! I just can't say bad things about Greg!
SAM
But Jules, this is an opposite sketch!
JULIE
I know, I know!
(Julie gets slimed.)
JULIE
What the... ?
JESSIE
It's an OPPOSITE sketch, Jules...
*****
LINK SET (OPPOSITE)
(The decorating continues. Nick is hanging a banner that reads "WELCOME JOHN" and a large photo
of Sessions is up in the background.)
JEFF
I can't wait to meet John, this is gonna be great...
NICK
Tell me about it...
(Screen flips--opposites end)
NICK
WHAT ARE WE DOING???
(He rips down the banner.)
EMILE
Well, I guess the opposites are over.
NICK
I'll say they're over! To think we were doing all this for John Sessions!
(He pulls down John's picture, then starts tearing down more decorations.)
SAM
But Nick...
NICK (as he continues ripping decorations down)
Well, at least now that we know the mystery guest is Sessions, we don't have to bother with this
junk anymore! That Ross, I oughta give him a piece of my mind!
DONNA
Can you spare it?
SAM
Nick! It's not Sessions! That was just the introduction to the opposites!
NICK
Oh... Great, now we're right back where we started!
DONNA
Not exactly, Nick! Now we have half the set to fix up again!
NICK
Oh, yeah, that... Well, it shouldn't take long with all of us working on it!
SAM
ALL of us?
(Everyone stares daggers at Nick.)
NICK
Yeah... me, myself, and I.
(He gets to work as everyone else files out.)
*****
CLASSROOM SET
(Sam is in front of the class. The word "IMPROVIZASHUN" is written on the board behind her.)
SAM
... so after Clive Anderson invented the cathode ray tube, he had a brainstorm! Why not create a
device to beam improv into everyone's home? And so television was born...
TEACHER
Sam, Sam! Your report on the history of improvisation is very... interesting...
SAM
Isn't it? Wait'll I get to the part about Paul Merton on that grassy knoll!
TEACHER
Ah yes, well, first I'd like to check some of your sources...
SAM
Sources, sir?
TEACHER
Yes, for example, where did you get the information that Marie Antoinette was beheaded during
an exceptionally spirited round of Props?
SAM
Right from my head, sir!
TEACHER
You mean... you made it up.
SAM
Of course! That's what improv is all about, you see, making it all up as you go along!
TEACHER
I see. Well, you've done a splendid job of improvisation on your report, Sam...
SAM
Thank you!
TEACHER
... So how about I give you some more improvising to do?
SAM
Sure!
TEACHER
In the principal's office... improvising a 100-page essay... during your MONTH'S DETENTION!!!
*****
ALLEY
(The salesman is standing in the alley as usual. Donna walks by, and he grabs her by the arm.)
SALESMAN
Pardon me, young lady...
DONNA
Are you talking to me?
SALESMAN
Is this your arm?
DONNA
Yes...
SALESMAN
Then I'm talking to you. I'm about to make you the deal of a lifetime!
DONNA
WHOSE lifetime?
SALESMAN
Very clever, my dear, oh, so very clever! Now, such a witty person as yourself must be a fan of
Whose Line is it Anyway?, am I correct?
DONNA
Now how did you figure that out?
SALESMAN
It's my trained eye, my dear, I've learned to spot Whosers just like that! (snaps fingers)
DONNA
And I suppose the Whoser convention T-shirt didn't hurt.
SALESMAN
It was an attention-grabber, indeed. But I won't beat around the bush! How would you like to be
the proud owner of an actual prop from Whose Line is it Anyway?
DONNA
I'd love it. What's the catch?
SALESMAN
The catch? There's no catch, just a spectacular offer! A prop from the show, actually used
by a contestant... and it's yours for only fifty dollars!
DONNA
FIFTY DOLLARS?
SALESMAN
Shh... not so loud, young lady, or everyone will be clamoring for this deal!
DONNA
Fifty dollars?... Well, it does sound intriguing. Actually used by a contestant? Which one?
SALESMAN
Tony Slattery... in episode 5.3!
DONNA
Hmmm... you seem to know your stuff!
SALESMAN
Why, of course, of course, would one Whose Line fan deceive another? Fifty bucks... and
it's yours!
DONNA
Well...
SALESMAN
Tell you what I'll do, you have such a sweet face, for you I'll make a special deal! Thirty-five
dollars!
DONNA
SOLD!
(She gives him the money.)
SALESMAN
Thank you, thank you, my dear, and HERE is your prop!
(He gives her a handful of... nothing.)
DONNA
What?... Where is it?
SALESMAN
Right there in your hand! It's the cigarette used by Tony in the jail scene with Paul Merton! A
true collector's piece! Now, for a hundred I can give you Paul's moped...
DONNA
WHAT? Come on, only the most gullible fool in the world would fall for that! I'm calling the
police!
SALESMAN
All right, all right, tell you what, for fifty bucks I can sell you Archie Hahn's whistle!
DONNA (leaving)
No way!
SALESMAN
For seventy-five bucks I can sell you Archie Hahn's castanets!
DONNA (off camera)
FORGET IT!
SALESMAN
For $9.95 I can sell you Archie Hahn!
(Jeff enters looking quite angry.)
JEFF
HEY, about that moped you sold me...
*****
LINK SET
(Jessie and Sam are standing on the fully-decorated set, complete with refreshment
table. Ross enters.)
ROSS
Well, I have to say you did get the place looking halfway decent!
The refreshments are a very nice touch... (He starts dipping the chips.)
JESSIE (snatching chip from his hand)
No thanks to you, Ross. And keep out of the food, that's for our guest!
SAM
It better be someone good, Ross, or the network'll be really mad when they hear how much this
stuff cost!
ROSS
The network? Why should they care... considering this is coming out of your own pockets!
JESSIE
Excuse me? Our own pockets?
ROSS
Of course! Our guest didn't demand any of this, it was YOUR idea! Why should the network foot
your bill?
SAM
Ross... isn't there supposed to be money in the budget to make the guests comfortable?
ROSS
There was. I guess I should never have had that swimming pool installed. Ah well, at least
all MY guests are comfortable! Hindsight...
JESSIE
If this wasn't a family show, Ross...
SAM
Oh well, Jess! If we're paying for this, I guess that means the good stuff is all ours!
(Sam produces a bottle of tequila and starts pouring shots.)
ROSS
Hey! HEY! What do you think you're doing! There's no drinking on this show!
JESSIE
There is now!
SAM
Down the hatch!
ROSS
Wait, WAIT! This IS a family show! If you do that, they'll have us off the air so fast that
you'll NEVER get to meet your special guest!
JESSIE
He's right, Sam. Don't worry, Ross, we weren't really gonna do it on camera.
SAM
Yeah, and besides, it's watered down...
(Sam gets drenched.)
ROSS
So it is.
*****
COMMERCIAL BREAK
*****
SUMMER CAMP SET
(Emile, Nick, and Jeff are asleep in the cabin. The camp leader enters and blows a whistle.)
CAMP LEADER
All right, campers, on your feet! It's time for... baseball!
NICK (waking up quickly)
Baseball??? I don't want to play baseball, it's too early for baseball!
EMILE (still sounding tired)
Yeah... we've been playing baseball after dinner...
CAMP LEADER
I know that, but our new owners have decided that since baseball has been so popular around
here after dinner, they'd move it!
JEFF
What about breakfast?
CAMP LEADER
Well, since breakfast is also so very popular, they thought they'd see how well it would fare at
the same time as... baseball!!!
NICK
What if we want to do both???!!!
CAMP LEADER
Then you've got a tough decision on your hands. Me... I'll be playing baseball...
and I'll be pitching!!!
EMILE
You? Pitching? Um, no offense, but... you can't pitch!
CAMP LEADER
I know that, and you know that, but the bosses think I should pitch, so... I'm pitching! And
remember, from now on, no swearing, no spitting, and no innuendos about the girls at Camp
Kamanawanalea! Strict orders from above!
(He exits as the guys get up.)
JEFF
Things just haven't been the same since ABC started running this camp...
*****
FIRING SQUAD SET
(Julie is at the post.)
CAPITANO
Ready... aim...
JULIE
Wait! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
CAPITANO
What is it this time?
JULIE
Before you shoot me, it's time for this show to provide its daily quota of educational
content for the young viewers!
CAPITANO
Its eduWHAAAAT?
JULIE (pulling out several sheets of paper)
It's in the new broadcasting regulations. Every family show must contain a minimum of .314%
educational value! And this show... let's just say we haven't come close yet!
CAPITANO
I see. Well, we mustn't deprive the youngsters, eh, amigos?
JULIE
I think a game of Alphabet would fit the bill...
CAPITANO
Say, this wouldn't be some sort of sneaky trick, would it, now?
JULIE
I wish it were. Our scene is... (pulling out a blue card) "El Capitano is about to execute
Julie... starting on 'H'."
CAPITANO
Hmmm, this might not be so bad after all...
JULIE
I can't stand this, how much longer will it be?
CAPITANO
Just a few seconds more and it will all be over!
JULIE
Killing people is so evil, how can you do it?
CAPITANO
Like this! Ready... aim...
JULIE (moving away from the post)
Maybe I'll make a run for it!
CAPITANO (moving in front of the post)
Now you get back here!
JULIE
Oh, you think you can make me?
CAPITANO
Perhaps I need to get... persuasive...
JULIE
Quick, start the execution before I get away!
CAPITANO
Ready... aim... FIRE!!!
(Capitano gets shot and falls to the ground.)
JULIE
Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself!
*****
LINK SET
(Emile and Merts are standing on the set.)
EMILE
It won't be long now, Merts...
MERTS
I know, I can hardly wait!
ROSS (entering stage left)
All right, all right, let's clear the set, move it! Our special guest
star will
be out soon!
EMILE
OK Ross, where should we stand?
ROSS
You two? Try standing out in the parking lot! That's as close as you'll get!
MERTS
But the guest star...
ROSS
... is too big to share the stage with a bunch of unknowns! What kind of a show do you think
we're running here? DON'T answer that...
EMILE
You SAID we could meet the guest, Ross!
MERTS
You certainly did!
ROSS
Did you tape it?
MERTS
Of course not!
ROSS (smirking)
Then I didn't say it! However... just because I have a soft spot in my heart for such pathetic
losers...
EMILE
That's WHOSERS!!!
ROSS
Whatever. I suppose there's always room... for a paying audience.
MERTS
Ross, do you honestly expect us to shell out money to meet someone from Whose Line when you
won't even tell us who it is?
ROSS
You are Whosers, aren't you?
EMILE
Ross... you... you...
MERTS
Go ahead, Emile, say it for all of us.
EMILE
You got a deal!
(He reaches for his wallet.)
*****
PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE
(Jessie is seated at a desk.)
PRINCIPAL
Jessica, your teacher has sent you here because of certain... bizarre behaviors of late.
JESSIE
LOL! That's a good one!
PRINCIPAL
Pardon me?... LOL?
JESSIE
Oh, never mind, sir! Please... do go on!
PRINCIPAL
Ah, yes, as I was saying, it seems you've been answering all your teacher's questions in some
indecipherable code...
JESSIE
ROTFLMAO!!! Oh, that's ridiculous!
PRINCIPAL
Yes... ridiculous... and a stop must be put to it immediately!
JESSIE
Oh, of course, sir! You know I'd never be a troublemaker! (WEG)...
PRINCIPAL
I'm quite sure a look through your record would prove otherwise... or else you wouldn't have
spent 6 of your 12 consecutive years in Grade 4 here in detention. But getting back on topic...
JESSIE
Hey, you can't change the topic! I never gave you ops!
PRINCIPAL
Ops, yes... Jessica, I think you'll be staying here for quite a while...
JESSIE
IDFHTS!!!
PRINCIPAL
I beg your pardon?
JESSIE
Oh, nothing... basically all I really have to say to you is U()Oo!
PRINCIPAL
What was that?
JESSIE
Never mind, sir, just something else you wouldn't understand...
PRINCIPAL
No, YOU don't understand, Jessica... It's your teacher who can't figure out these things!
Myself, I'm quite well-versed in Whoserspeak... who do you think the MQ really is???
JESSIE
Uh oh...
PRINCIPAL
Ah, finally a statement anyone can understand! Perhaps you'll learn more while you're copying
all the words out of this dictionary! (He drops a thick dictionary onto the desk and hands
Jessie a pencil and paper.) You should have plenty of time... over the NEXT six years!
JESSIE (holding pencil)
Hey! How do I work this? I can't find the keyboard...
*****
LIBRARY SET
(Donna is behind the librarian's desk. Jeff enters with a book.)
JEFF
Donna? What are you doing here? Aren't we supposed to have the original librarian in this
sketch?
DONNA
You tell me, you wrote it!
JEFF
Oh, right. Anyway... I'd like to make a complaint about this book of fairy tales I checked out!
DONNA
What seems to be the problem?
JEFF
They're just not the way they're supposed to be! Look at this... "Little Bo Peep"! Now there's
not one word in here about Bo going out to take a piss! What's the deal?
DONNA
I'm not sure...
JEFF
And look at this! "Snow White and the SEVEN Dwarfs"!
DONNA
What's wrong with that?
JEFF
Not one reference to Gangly, he's been completely cut out! Are you in the business of
censoring books now?
DONNA
Now calm down, I'm sure I can find you something you might enjoy more!
JEFF
I'm sure you can!
DONNA
How about something from the field of nature...
JEFF
Ha! Not after that dinosaur book you recommended! What a load of bunk! 200 pictures, and
not one of them resembled Colin in the slightest!
DONNA
Okay, okay... performing arts?
JEFF
Oh, you mean like that classic film guide... WHICH LEFT OUT "REVENGE OF THE SHEEP SHEARER"!!!
DONNA
Quiet, this IS a library! I've got it... just the right book for you, there's no way you can
find fault with it...
(She heads for the shelf.)
JEFF
What is it?
DONNA (pulling book down)
"Quotations by Richard Vranch". You'll love it.
JEFF (examining book)
Hmmm... good, light reading. Just what I was looking for. Thanks... say, you wouldn't happen
to have the Laura Hall companion volume, would you?
*****
MOVIE THEATER SET
(Sam, Jessie, Julie, Merts, and Nick are in a row of seats.)
SAM
Oh, here comes the good part!
MERTS
Don't spoil it. Some of us haven't seen it!
NICK
It was already spoiled when they filmed it! This is one of the lamest movies...
JESSIE
How can you say that about a film with Ryan in it?
NICK
Are you sure he's in this thing? It's almost over!
SAM
Positive. It's coming up, just watch closely!
NICK
All right, but I can't take much more of... (spilling his drink) OOPS!
(He leans over to pick it up.)
JULIE (pointing at screen)
There he is!!!
(The entire row starts bouncing. Nick quickly sits up.)
NICK
What?... Where?
MERTS
Oh, Nick, you missed him!
JULIE
Yep... right up there on the screen, larger than life for half a second... Ryan's left
elbow! It was thrilling!
MERTS
I got goosebumps!
NICK
Left elbow?...
JESSIE
I just can't see it enough times...
JULIE
Too bad you missed it, Nick!
SAM
Hey Jess, why don't we just go talk to the projectionist?
NICK
The projectionist?
JESSIE
Yeah, he knows us... we come see this flick every week! I'm sure he'll run it back for you,
we'll just tell him you're a friend of ours...
NICK
Don't tell him that.
*****
LINK SET
(Merts is talking to Jeff and Donna.)
DONNA
You mean Ross is going to charge us to meet his mystery person?
MERTS
Through the nose. We should have known.
JEFF
Are we actually gonna pay him?
DONNA (indicating the decorated set)
Well, Jeff, we've gone this far, I don't see as we have another choice...
(Nick rushes onto the set.)
NICK
Wait! Hold it! Save your money! I've figured out who the mystery guest is... it's Ashley!
DONNA
ASHLEY???
NICK
Think about it...
MERTS
Hmmm... "has appeared on the show"...
JEFF
"Dozens and dozens of appearances"... in the audience! I think you're onto something, Nick!
DONNA
Now just hold on! Sure, Ross is low enough to pull such a dirty trick... but why would Ash go
along? She's got nothing against any of us!
JEFF
She's got a point, Nick.
NICK
Hmmm... I hate to admit it, but...
MERTS (sheepishly)
Well... she wasn't too thrilled with me the night I forgot to turn off the oven...
JEFF
Uh oh.
MERTS
And she was pretty upset when I accidentally left the lights on all night...
DONNA
Oh dear...
MERTS
And then there was the night I left the water running...
(Merts gets drenched.)
JEFF
Nice going!
MERTS
All I said was that I left the water running, and...
(She gets it again.)
DONNA
Merts, you've gotta be more careful what you say around here!
MERTS
You mean every time I say water, I'll get...
(She gets it a third time.)
NICK
Just what are you trying to accomplish here?
MERTS
I've never seen this show before in my life! I don't know what not to say!
(She gets slimed.)
DONNA
I think she knows now!
JEFF
Give her an hour. She'll forget.
*****
LOCKER ROOM SET
(The locker room is apparently empty when the coach bursts in.)
COACH
Men! MEN! Where are you, you sissies! The game's about to start!
(He opens up a locker and finds Emile hiding inside wearing a hockey uniform.)
EMILE
Please, Coach, don't make me go out there! Crusher Willis is on that team, he'll murder us!!!
(The coach opens two more lockers and finds Nick and Jeff wearing identical uniforms.)
NICK
Yeah, he said he was gonna break the goalie's neck!!!
COACH
What a bunch of wimps! Get out there before I...
JEFF
Coach, you sure you want us out there? We have lost our last 31 games...
COACH
Ah, but that's why I've signed a new goalie who's gonna solve all our problems! His name's Clive
Anderson!
NICK
CLIVE ANDERSON?
COACH
Course, I ain't seen him play, but he came highly recommended....
JEFF
Recommended by who?
COACH
Another coach... in fact, the guy we're playing against tonight. He says nobody gets any points
if this Clive guy ain't in the mood... great against hat tricks... and if it's breaking the
goalie's neck you're worried about, you got NO problem! So let's all get out there and win one,
whaddaya say?
EMILE
Coach... have you ever seen Whose Line is it Anyway?
COACH
Whose Line is it Anyway? What's that?
EMILE
That's what we thought.
(They all disappear into the lockers and slam the doors.)
COACH (pounding on the doors)
HEY... Hey, you guys!
*****
LIVING ROOM SET
(The room is decorated for a party. Julie is rushing around making preparations as Mom looks on
skeptically.)
JULIE
Don't just sit there, Mom, my first guest will be here any minute!
MOM
I just don't understand, dear. Lately you've been inviting the strangest people to your
parties... and they never stay for any length of time...
(Doorbell rings)
JULIE
Oh, it's my first guest! (opening the door) Hi Sam, come on in!
SAM
Hi. Don't mind the tire tracks on my chest, it's so hard to dodge those speeding yellow
objects...
JULIE
Oh, Sam, you've been run over by Snake Eyes!
SAM
Right. See ya.
(Sam exits.)
MOM
Three seconds... and we spent all that money on refreshments...
(Doorbell rings)
JULIE
Just a minute, Mom, someone else is here!
MOM
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DOORBELL...
JULIE (opening the door)
Hello, Merts, how are you?
MERTS (licking her hands)
Fine. May I have a saucer of milk, please?
JULIE
Hmmm... you're a cat...
MERTS
What was that noise? Keep him away from me!
JULIE
A cat with a problem...
MERTS
I don't want to end up as a Whoser's main course!
JULIE
A CAT BEING STALKED BY BARTH!
MERTS
Very good!
(Merts exits.)
JULIE
What can I say, I'm on a roll!
MOM
Julie dear... I'm getting very worried about you and your friends!
(Dad enters.)
DAD
OH, what a long hard day, can't wait to set my rear end down...
JULIE
Hmmm... didn't use the doorbell... you're very rude, are you a customs officer?
MOM
It's just your father, Julie!!!
JULIE
No, that's not it... give me a minute...
DAD (sitting down and lighting a cigar)
Howzabout a beer, Valerie?
JULIE
You're Archie Bunker! No, wait...
MOM (bringing Dad a beer)
Julie! Don't you recognize your own father?
DAD (taking shoes off and putting feet on the coffee table)
OH, what're you two babblin' about now? (burp)
JULIE
Are you just a disgusting fat slob?
MOM
Oh. Never mind, dear, I guess you DO recognize him!
DAD
Julie... don't encourage your mother.
*****
DUNGEON SET
(Jeff is chained to the wall.)
NASTI
All right, Jeff, it's time for your torture session, ha ha ha...
JEFF
Great. What more could you possibly do to me?
NASTI
Tonight we shall force you to watch a brand new episode of Whose Line is it Anyway?!
JEFF
What is this, an opposite sketch? You call that torture, I say great! Bring on the torture!
NASTI
No, that is not the torture! The torture comes from the mouse in your chamber!
JEFF
You've really flipped, you know that? You think I'll be scared of a mouse?
NASTI
Not that kind of mouse! This mouse is attached to the computer we're providing you... which your
friends will be sure to be chatting on afterward!
JEFF
Of course, you can't watch Whose Line without discussing it with the Whosers!
NASTI
Precisely.
JEFF
This MUST be an opposite sketch! I get to... (tries to reach the mouse, but the chains hold him
back) Oh no! NO!
NASTI
An opposite? Hardly! Enjoy the show, ha ha ha...
(He exits.)
JEFF
Wait! You can't leave me here like this! I promise... from now on I'll ALWAYS keep a jellyfish
in my handbag!!!
*****
LINK SET
(Everyone is gathered at center stage.)
JESSIE
I can't believe our mystery guest is Ashley!
NICK
Yeah, Ross has gone too far this time! Don't get me wrong, I like Ash, but I can talk to her
anytime online...
MERTS
I can just go home!
JULIE
And to see Ashley, all we have to do is pop in our videotape...
JEFF
You know, all you have to do to see the CONTESTANTS is pop in your videotape...
SAM
Jeff... don't make waves!!!
ROSS (entering stage left)
Ah, good, good, I see our audience has arrived...
NICK
Ross, we want a word with you!
ROSS
Later, our guest'll be out here any minute! Now let's clear this area, your place is down
there! Oh... and YOU (indicates Merts)... you had a phone call.
MERTS
ME? Who would be calling me?
ROSS
It was your roommate, what's her name, Ashley? She said it was real important!
MERTS
Well, what was the message???
ROSS
Never got it. Soon as I said "Ten cents for each additional second", she hung up! Now let's
move it, and ALL of you remember... cash only, no checks please!
(Ross exits.)
DONNA
So it just HAD to be Ashley, huh, Nick?
NICK
Now wait, I'm sure there's another answer... just give me a few minutes to think about this,
I'll get it...
DONNA
Why don't you just admit it, Nick, YOU DON'T KNOW!!!
(Nick gets slimed.)
NICK
HEY!!!
EMILE
Slimed by association... I had no idea it could work that way.
JEFF
It doesn't... normally...
NICK (glaring at Jeff)
Excuse me, MR. WRITER... I gave you ten bucks to make sure that wouldn't happen!
DONNA (grinning at Nick)
I gave him twenty.
*****
CLASSROOM SET
(Cast seated at desks as usual)
TEACHER
... so if you think I'm not going to find out who put jello in the pencil sharpener, you're
sadly mistaken! Because I'll find you, and when I do...
(Emile walks in the door.)
TEACHER
Emile! You're late!
EMILE
Sorry I'm late, I was just... I was just...
JESSIE
Thank God you're here, Bad Lounge Singer Man!
EMILE
I was just reminded of one of my favorites from way back when... an oldie but moldie... went
something like this...
TEACHER
Wha?...
JESSIE
Bad Lounge Singer Man, someone has put jello in the pencil sharpener!
EMILE
Why look who it is out there in the front row! My old and dear friend, Valley Girl Woman...
come on up here, sweetheart!
(Jessie gets up and Emile thrusts an invisible microphone in her face.)
JESSIE
Like, jello in the pencil sharpener, gross me out the door!
EMILE
Now I'm sure you'll remember this one... (starts singing) "There's jello in the pencil
sharpener, whatever will we do? There's jello in the pencil sharpener, who did it, was it
you?..."
JESSIE
Ewwww, grody to the max!
TEACHER
What? What is going on here?
JESSIE
Oh... mah... god! It's Jello Sniffing Dog Man!
TEACHER
Excuse me?...
EMILE
It's all up to you now, Jello Sniffing Dog Man! Go follow the trail, bring these perpetrators to
justice!
TEACHER
But... but...
JESSIE
They're evil! Gag me with a spoon!
EMILE
Do it... (wipes tear from eye, puts hand on teacher's shoulder) for the PEOPLE!
(The teacher starts sniffing and barking like a dog, then runs down the hall.)
JESSIE (holding up carton of jello)
Sometimes it's so easy...
EMILE
... we're ashamed of ourselves!
*****
DOCTOR'S OFFICE
(Donna is consulting with the doctor.)
DONNA
Doctor, you've got to help me! Ever since the new season of Whose Line started, I've been glued
to the TV!
DOCTOR
Nothing to worry about, Donna. Lots of people get addicted to that show. Why, I never miss it
myself!
DONNA
No, you don't understand! I mean I'm really glued to the TV! (She lifts her arm, revealing the
TV set attached to it.) You see, I was fixing the vase by the set, and I guess I was paying a
little too much attention to the show...
DOCTOR
Ahhh, I see it all the time. People getting too absorbed in Whose Line to concentrate on
what they're doing...
DONNA
So can you help?
DOCTOR
Of course, I can easily remove that! I'll pencil you in... Thursday night at 8?
DONNA (horrified)
NO!!! I mean... thank you, but... I kinda like it now!!!
*****
LOCKER JOKES
SAM
Hey, Nick...
NICK
Yes, Sam?
SAM
I'm having terrible problems with my computer... I think it's the Paul Merton virus!
NICK
What's that?
SAM
It won't function in March.
NICK
Well, mine has the Steve Frost virus... there's a crack in the monitor.
DONNA
Hey, Jessie...
JESSIE
Yes, Donna?
DONNA
You know, at the last taping, the Whosers got so loud I couldn't hear myself think!
NICK
Don't worry, Donna, you didn't miss much...
DONNA
You wait your turn, Nick! Anyway, I didn't mind all the whooping and shouting, but all that foul
language...
JESSIE
No one was using foul language at the taping!
DONNA
You weren't sitting behind the producers.
JEFF
Hey, Emile...
EMILE
Yes, Jeff?
JEFF
I got tired of not being able to afford to attend Whoser events... so I stopped buying food!
Went on an all-liquid diet!
EMILE
Did it work?
JEFF
Oh yeah, now I can go everywhere... in fact, I usually have to!
MERTS
Hey, Sam...
SAM
Yes, Merts?
MERTS
I just saw A Midsummer Night's Dream, and I have to say John Sessions was great comic relief.
SAM
Yeah, he sure relieved that picture of all its comedy!
EMILE
Hey, Julie...
JULIE
Yes, Emile?
EMILE
I heard that the show has made Dan Patterson so rich, he rents a car to get to the other side of
the road!
JULIE
Not quite, Emile. Actually he rents a few lackeys to CARRY him to the other side of the road.
DONNA
No, actually he just rents the other side of the road!
NICK
You're all wrong. Actually, he just takes the show to the middle of the road. That's how he got
rich.
JESSIE
Hey, Jeff...
JEFF
Yes, Jess?
JESSIE
What did the Queen say when Ryan Stiles, Tony Slattery, and Eddie Izzard showed up to be
knighted?
JEFF
You got me.
JESSIE
"Oh dear, looks like the knights are getting shorter!"
EMILE
Oh, Jess! That was TERRIBLE! I loved it!
JESSIE
It cost five dollars...
EMILE
You paid five dollars for that joke???
JEFF
No, I had to give her five dollars to say it.
JULIE
Hey, Merts...
MERTS
Yes, Julie?
JULIE
You know, I think Kwik Witz is a very educational program.
MERTS
You must be joking! How can a show like that be educational?
JULIE
Well, every time it comes on, I turn off the TV and read a book!
NICK
Hey, Donna...
DONNA (from inside locker as she bangs on the door)
Umm... Nick, my door seems to be jammed!
NICK
Oh, does it, now?
DONNA (inside locker)
Yeah... could you give me a little help, please?
NICK
SO... you thought it would be really funny to get me slimed, didn't you?
DONNA (banging on the door harder)
Nick, this isn't funny! Get me out of here!
NICK
Depends on which side of the door you're on. From here, it looks like that ten bucks wasn't
wasted after all!
JEFF
No problem, Nick.
DONNA (POUNDING on the door)
WHY YOU... HEY YOU GUYS!!! SOMEBODY OPEN THIS DOOR!!!
JULIE
What's going on?
NICK
I'll tell you what's going on! The show's almost over!
JESSIE
And that means the guest should be here about... NOW!!!
SAM
Quick, to the link set!
(Everyone except Nick and Donna rushes off.)
DONNA (inside locker)
HEY! COME BACK HERE!
NICK
Don't worry, we'll have you out in no time! For now... don't go anywhere, okay?
(Nick leaves.)
DONNA (inside locker)
NICK, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE... IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE...
*****
BARTH'S
(Julie, Emile, Jessie, and Nick are seated at a booth.)
BARTH (bringing out food)
Here ya go, my latest creation... Hot Studmuffins!
NICK
Still trying to attract more Whosers, Barth?
EMILE
Well, at least it's a fitting tribute!
JESSIE
More than just a tribute! Who do you think's...
BARTH
... IN the muffins, there ya go again!!!
NICK
Sort of gives a brand new meaning when they say that Brad is yummy, right, Emile?
BARTH
I heard that!
JULIE (biting into muffin)
AAAK!! H--h--hot! Quick, give me something to drink!
(She quickly scans the table, and finding nothing else, grabs the flowers and starts drinking
the water they were in.)
JESSIE
Barth, what did you really put in those?
BARTH
Oh, that musta bin the cayenne pepper... or the tabasco...
NICK
Why, Barth, WHY???
BARTH
Hey, they're called HOT Studmuffins! And ya know what a firm believer I am in truth in
advertising!
JULIE
In that case, I have a better name... World's Worst Muffins!
BARTH
I heard that. Hmmm... catchy!
*****
BEDROOM SET
(Merts and Mom enter. Mom has her eyes shut.)
MERTS
All right, Mom, open your eyes and see my new bedroom!
MOM (opening eyes)
Oh my!
MERTS
Do you like it?
MOM
It's certainly... different, dear... I never expected the wall of video tapes...
MERTS
Of course, those are all the episodes of Whose Line!
MOM
I never knew there were so many!
MERTS
Well, actually there aren't. See, over here they're categorized by season, and over here by
contestant, and over here by games played... and this last section is a personal "best of"!
MOM
But it's just as large as the others!
MERTS
Of course, who can choose?
MOM
Right... and that pile of papers in the corner?
MERTS
That's my script collection! I have almost every show now!
MOM
Scripts? But I thought the show was improvised!
MERTS
Oh Mom, of course it is! Those are TRANSCRIPTIONS...
MOM
But if you have every episode on four different videos, why would you need to transcribe them?
MERTS
Mom... don't make waves! And over here are my tasteful shrines to each of the contestants...
MOM
What is this, a jellyfish, a salami, and... a rubber chicken dyed orange?
MERTS
Right, that one's for Ryan Stiles!
MOM
I see. Then this squeezie bottle, stuffed horse, and Matchbox Volvo must be...
MERTS
Paul Merton.
MOM
I almost hate to ask... Tony Slattery?
MERTS
That one's hidden in the top drawer. I wouldn't look if I were you!
MOM
I won't! Now, this empty corner...
MERTS
... is reserved for my 8-foot inflatable doll of Clive Anderson!
MOM
Of course... well, you've certainly changed your room, dear. But... where's your bed?
MERTS
Bed?
MOM
Yes, bed! Where are you going to sleep?
MERTS (slaps head)
I KNEW I forgot something!
(Duck noises suddenly come from the closet.)
MOM
WHAT WAS THAT?
MERTS
Oh, that's just Archie Hahn. I got him off a street vendor for $9.95!
*****
LINK SET
(Everyone is gathered at the front of the stage. A chair sits in the middle of the set. Suddenly
a disheveled-looking Donna runs in covered with dust and cobwebs.)
DONNA
Where is he?... Nick! If you EVER try to pull anything like that again...
NICK
Save it! Ross is about to bring the guest out!
(Ross enters carrying a large wad of bills.)
ROSS
So are you all ready? You oughta be, you sure PAID enough for it...
SAM
Just get on with it, okay, Ross?
JULIE
By the way, the chair is a nice touch. It looks just like the ones on the show!
ROSS
Oh, it IS one of the ones from the show! Got it real cheap from one of those auction places...
JESSIE
Really? And you decided to make the guest feel at home? Nice thought, Ross, maybe you're not so
bad after all!
EMILE
So where is the guest?
ROSS (pointing)
Right over there!
DONNA
Ross, there's nothing over there but an empty... chair???
SAM
Ross, do you mean to say the CHAIR is our special guest star?
ROSS
The one and only!
JULIE
I don't believe this!
NICK
Ross, I would hardly call that chair an "actual star" of Whose Line is it Anyway?!
ROSS
I would. It's got far more talent than any of those so-called players!
EMILE
Oh, Ross, how could you? Never mind...
JESSIE
I tried to warn you all...
MERTS
Ross, if you expect any of us to ever do this show again, you're...
JEFF
Say, Ross? Who sat in that chair?
ROSS
Good question, I'm really not sure. I think it might've been... Greg...
JULIE (heading for the chair)
Really? Let me get a closer look at that!
ROSS
Or maybe... Wayne...
MERTS (heading for the chair)
I saw it first, Julie!
ROSS
Possibly Steve Frost...
SAM (quickly plopping herself down in the chair)
Ha, beat you both!!!
NICK
You guys! You're making fools of yourselves!
ROSS
Maybe even Caroline Quentin...
NICK
But then, who am I to judge?
(He makes a beeline for the chair just as Julie yanks it out from under Sam.)
ROSS
Really, it could have been anybody, you know, Colin, Josie... but if you're all that
disappointed, I could just...
(He looks back and sees Nick, Julie, Merts, and Sam in a tug-of-war over the chair as the rest
of the Whosers enter the fray.)
ROSS
Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself... (looks at the money in his hand) Naaaaah.
(Ross leaves, and the Whosers continue to fight over the chair as the closing credits roll.)
*****
LIVING ROOM SET
(Shot of Mom and Dad disgustedly turning off the TV set and leaving)
ANNOUNCER (voiceover)
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Sitting, Standing, Walking Out production.
*****
SCHOOL BUS
(The background is still whizzing by as before, when suddenly it comes to a screeching halt.
Most everyone is lying around in seats or on the floor.)
SNAKE EYES
Here we are, L.A. at last! (checks watch) Dag nab it, we're a half hour too late!
DONNA (pinned under a seat)
That doesn't matter, Snake Eyes, if you go back about two and a half blocks you can still see
Greg!
SNAKE EYES
You mean you know someone there with a tape?
SAM (against the wall)
No... THAT'S WHERE YOU BROADSIDED HIS LIMO!!!
*****
LINK SET (OFFSTAGE)
(Jeff is typing away at an ancient-looking manual typewriter. Julie enters.)
JULIE
Pretty good script, Jeff!
JEFF
Thanks, Jules, but it's not good enough! I need something really hilarious to go out on, but for
the life of me, I don't know how to end it!
(Jeff gets slimed.)
JULIE
That works.
THE END
(
geocities.com/hollywood)