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Episode 50 -- "The Airport"
Originally Aired: Wednesday, November 25, 1992, 9:30PM
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Production Credits:
Supervising Producer ................. Larry Charles
Supervising Producer ................. Tom Cherones
Executive Producer ................... Andrew Sherman
Created By ........................... Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld
Written By ........................... Larry David
Directed By .......................... Tom Cherones
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Cast:
Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld (well, duh!)
George Castanza ...................... Jason Alexander
Elaine Benes ......................... Julia Louis-Drefus
Kramer ............................... Michael Richards
With:
Tia .................................. Jennifer Campbell
Prisoner ............................. Scott Burkholder
Attendant #1 ......................... Jm J. Bullock
Attendant #2 ......................... Karen Denise Williams
Grossbard ............................ Allan Wasserman
Passenger #1 ......................... Lenny Rose
Passenger #2 ......................... Annie Korzen
Security Guard ....................... Deck McKenzie
Ticket Clerk ......................... Maggie Egan
Skycap ............................... Mark Christopher Lawrence
Driver ............................... William Evan Masters
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Previous episode references:
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None.
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Known Bugs:
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o George: But you are {Blanche}... You *are* in the shackles... [just
what the Hell is he saying here]
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Net reaction and comments:
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Fill in later...
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The Cereal Report
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Gasp! None.
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Quotes and Scene summary:
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% Opening monologue (once again, the local station cuts in a few seconds
% late. *Man* I hate that...)
Jerry: ...cramped seat, working on a tiny computer; there's always a small
problem ``There'll be a slight delay, we'll be a *little* late, if
you could be a *little* *patient*! We're just trying to get one of
those *little* trucks to pull us up just a *little* closer to the
jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway and there'll be a
man there in a tight suit and he'll tell you you have very little
time to make your connecting flight. So move it!''.
% Open with Jerry and Elaine in a car on their way to the airport. Elaine
% is singing a poppy Jazz tune.
Elaine: Bah bah baaah, Boo doo bah bah bah, boo doo waaaah, waah, waaaah...
Jerry: Hey, could you do me a favour? [pause] Could you shut-up?
% They both chortle, and Jerry is hot so he's taking his coat off, but
% Elaine refuses to take the wheel and Jerry's hand gets stuck and before
% you can say "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", they collide head-on with
% a Snapple truck....
%
% Would you believe a big purple jeep?
%
% Okay, they don't hit anything, but Jerry's hand *did* get stuck...
% Anyhoots, Elaine goes to roll down the window, and...
Elaine: Hey guess what? This window doesn't work.
Jerry: I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work,
the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker...
[pause] Or is that you?
Elaine: Gimme ten bucks and find out...
Jerry: So, this worked out pretty good. Them givin' me an extra ticket,
y'know, you get a free trip to St. Louis, I did my gig, you got to
see your sister...
Elaine: Yeah, worked out good.
Jerry: And here's the beauty--
Elaine: What?
Jerry: George is pickin' us up at the airport.
Elaine: Get out of here! Why?
Jerry: You know that awning outside my building?
Elaine: Yeah...
Jerry: He's always bragging about his vertical leap, so I bet him fifty
bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
Elaine: So what happened?
Jerry: He didn't come within two feet of the thing. He's wavin at it...
So, I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have
to pay me anything.
Elaine: Hey, how we doin' on time?
Jerry: Timed out perfectly. Drop off the car, pick up the rental car
shuttle, we walk right on the plane...
% Oops.
Elaine: Hey! Wait up!
Jerry: Hey! Wait up!
Driver: Sorry. Heh heh heh...
% The driver speeds away without our heroes, and he seems pretty happy
% about it.
%
% Finally inside, they check their luggage...
Skycap: Where you goin'?
Jerry: Uh, JFK. [To Elaine] I need some small bills for a tip. You
got anything?
Elaine: Yeah, you want five?
Jerry: Gimme ten.
Elaine: You're giving him *ten* dollars?
Jerry: Well, we got three bags.
Elaine: That's a pretty big tip...
Jerry: That's what they get!
Elaine: They don't get that much.
Jerry: Let's ask him.
Elaine: We can't ask him...
Jerry: Let's see what he says.
Elaine: Jerry, we don't have time for this...
Jerry: Two seconds. [To Skycap] Excuse me, my friend and I here, we were
having a discussion and we were wondering what you usually get for
a tip.
Skycap: Depends on the person, depends on the bag.
Jerry: Uh, how about a couple of people like us.
Skycap: People like you? I wouldn't expect much, you don't even look like
you know what you're doing...
Jerry: C'mon, seriously...
Skycap: Well, since you asked, usually, I get five dollars a bag.
% What!?
Elaine: What!?
Skycap: That's right.
% *Five* bucks a bag?
Elaine: *Five* dollars a bag? I don't think so.
Skycap: Look, you asked, I told you.
Elaine: You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us...
Jerry: All right, look, we're late. Thank you very much...
Elaine: You're lucky I don't report you...
% Fight the power, Lainey... As the two leave, the Skycap checks their
% baggage. Jerry's two pieces first:
Skycap: JFK...
% Then Elaine's:
Skycap: ...Honolulu.
% Inside the gate, J+E are running to get to the ticket counter in time.
Elaine: Wait up!
Jerry: You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl
runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing
out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man!
Get your knees up!
% Yeah, but Jerry-- she's so darned perky when she runs. Besides, she's
% carrying luggage and you're not. Some gentleman. Hmfph. Anyway, they
% get to the ticket counter.
Jerry+Elaine: The flight's been canceled?!?!
Ticket Lady: Everything into JFK's booked... No, wait-- I have two seats
into Laguardia-- but they're not together. It's boarding
right now.
Jerry: We'll take 'em!
Elaine: We're not going to sit together?
Jerry: Well, so what? It's not that long-- you'll read.
Elaine: Well, what about George? He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.
Jerry: We'll call him...
Elaine: There's no time.
Jerry: No time? [To ticket lady] Is there time?
TLady: There's no time.
Jerry: There's no time. All right, we'll call him from the plane.
TLady: I have one seat in first class, and one in coach. The price is
the same since your flight was canceled.
% The two have that uncomfortable politeness that only comes about when
% you're down to the last piece of pizza. Jerry breaks the silence:
Jerry: I'll take the first class.
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Why should you get the first class?
Jerry: Elaine, have you ever flown first class?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: All right then. See? You won't know what you're missing. I've
flown first class, Elaine-- I can't go back to coach. I can't...
I won't...
Elaine: You flew here coach.
Jerry: Yeah, that's a point...
Elaine: All right, fine. I don't care. If the plane crashes, everybody in
first class is going to die, anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
% They board the plane, and the flight attendant "welcomes" Elaine aboard.
Attendant #1: Third row right...
% Then Mr. First class Jerry comes aboard.
Attendant #1: Oh, you're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.
Jerry: Bon voyage, Lainey!
% Elaine is robbed of her peek into the first class section by a drawn
% curtain and she goes to her seat. However, someone comes after her and:
Passenger #1: Oh, excuse me... Um, excuse me, miss, I think you're
sitting in my seat...
% Elaine moves over, and he moves in. The guy's got like 5 bags and Data
% General laptop.
Passenger #1: I never check my bags-- I can't stand that wait in the
baggage area.
Elaine: Great... [To herself] Help me...
% Jerry gets to his seat, however, he also is in the wrong seat:
Tia: Excuse me, I think you're in my seat...
Jerry: Oh, sorry... My mistake... [To himself] Thank... *you*!
% Did I mention that Tia is one hot tamale? Yikes.
%
% Anyway, we cut back to George and Kramer in the car.
George: Hey, thanks for coming with me.
Kramer: Hey, what made you think you could touch that awning?
George: I confused it with another awning.
Kramer: So how we doin' on time?
George: We're perfect. I timed this out so we would pull up at the
terminal *exactly* 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to
land. That gives them just enough time to get off the plane, pick
up their bags and be walking *out* of the terminal as we roll up.
I tell you, it's a thing of beauty. I can not express to you the
feeling I get from a perfect airport pickup.
% Um, George... Did you say "perfect"?
George: What's going on? What are you doing? The Long Island Expressway?
What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? Do you
know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission!
Kramer: Will you relax?!
George: Oh, I had it perfectly timed out: the Grand Central, the Van Wyck!
You destroyed my whole timing!
Kramer: This is the best way to go!
George: Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the
pickup and I lose my 50 bucks...
Kramer: George, there's no traffic at this time. Now, come on, man...
George: Really?
Kramer: If anything, we'll probably get there early. I'll have a chance to
go to the Duty Free shop.
George: The Duty Free Shop? Duty Free is the biggest sucker deal in retail.
Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: Duty.
George: Yeah, "duty". Do you know how much duty is?
Kramer: No, I dunno how much duty is.
George: Duty is *nothing*. It's like sales tax...
Kramer: I still like to stop at the duty free shop.
George: I like to stop at the duty free shop.
% They start to "sing", growing more excited after each iteration:
G+K: I like to stop at the duty free shop!
I like to stop at the duty free shop!
% Meanwhile, back on the plane, Jerry and Tia are chatting (isn't that
% always the way? You get stuck beside someone who insists on going on and
% on about their kids and how their life didn't go according to plan and
% all that boring dreck...)
Tia: So, he says, ``squeeze your breasts together'', and I say, ``I
thought this was an ad for shoes''...
Jerry: Oh my...
% Okay, maybe not all conversations are dull and boring...
%
% She fixes her glance at Jerry's nether regions:
Tia: Is that the new Esquire? Turn to page 146.
% Oh yeah, did I mention he had a magazine on his lap and *that's* what she
% was gawking at? Anyway, he checks out page 146.
Jerry: Wow! Coming out of the shower... It's a good thing they gave you
that washcloth to cover yourself up...
% Um, what was that page number again?
Jerry: What is this an ad for?
Tia: See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the
background, out of focus?
Jerry: Uh-huh...
% In traffic, Kramer and George are surrounded by honking cars and what
% is obviously heavy traffic...
Kramer: How does it look on your side? [Pause while George just stares at
him] We'll get there...
% Back in, ugh, *coach* (those heathens), the annoying guy is sleeping beside
% her while the woman on her other side is reading a book. Elaine is looking
% rather, shall we say "pensive". She talks to herself:
Elaine: Oh, look at this... He's sleeping and I have to go to the
bathroom. Maybe he'll wake up soon. What if my kidneys burst? Is
it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope
this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him... [To
passenger on the other side of her, but still to herself] Yeah, make
a little more noise with your gum-- that's helpful.
% Oh, you poor, frail dear... On the bright side, Kramer and George arrive
% at the airport. They're running to the terminal:
George: They're not here! You cost me fifty bucks!
Kramer: Look at you! You run like a girl! Run like a man! Lift your
knees!
% They find an arrival/departure screen thingie:
George: Look, we're wasting our time here! We're a half-hour late, they've
probably took it off the board already.
Kramer: No, there it is, right there-- 133... and it's canceled.
George: Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pick up? I was here!
Kramer: Ok, c'mon... let's go check over at the ticket counter.
% A bearded man comes up to the screen before they go:
Grossbard: Oh, there it is honey, gate 18A, 8:30... [He leaves]
Kramer: Did you see that guy?
George: No... What guy?
Kramer: That guy.. He was just...
George: Listen, you go over to the ticket counter, I'm going to go stop in
the gift shop and pick up a copy of Time magazine. There's
supposed to ba blurb about Jerry in it and I think he mentioned my
name!
Kramer: [still lost] I know that guy...
% Y'know, he looks familiar to me, too. Reminds me of this guy John
% Grossbard that I knew a while back. Got me involved in one of those
% shady pyramid schemes... Man, if I ever meet up with him again...
%
% But, I digress. We cut to the airport gift shop where a man in handcuffs
% and shackles is being led around by two FBI-looking types:
Prisoner: Gotta get my Time magazine... Never miss my Time magazine.
Guard: Yeah, get your magazine and let's get out of here.
% George lifts the last copy from the rack before the con can get it.
Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!
George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
Prisoner: I don't care when you got here, I want the magazine...
George: You don't understand, there's a *blurb* about me in this magazine!
Prisoner: A *blurb*?!? *You're* a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
Guard: All right, let's go...
% George checks out the cover shot which shows a picture of the
% aforementioned prisoner with the caption ``Caught!'' written below.
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...
George: But you are Blanche... You *are* in the shackles. Oh, I can't
wait to read my *Time* magazine! Laaaast copy, too. Maybe I'll
read it tomorrow-- in the park! It's supposed to be a
beeyootiful day! Have a nice life... sentence, that is!
% Kramer comes into the gift shop and does a Krameresque double-take at
% "that guy" from the departure screen who's browsing books. He goes up to
% George.
Kramer: They're on a different flight. They're scheduled to land in a half
hour, only at Laguardia.
George: Laguardia? All right, let's go. C'mon...
Kramer: Where do I know that guy from?
% Back in the developing nation section of the plane (coach, that is), Elaine
% is still pining for the guy next to her to wake up so she can go to the
% bathroom.
Elaine: [To herself, loudly] Wake up, you human slug! Wake up! *Wake*
*up*!! I can't hold it anymore! [To the slug out loud] Excuse me,
I've gotta go to the bathroom...
% The cad has the nerve to look peeved, and Elaine has a hard time getting
% out of her seat. She looks a little like Kramer stumbling and falling into
% the aisle. The capper is that as she's getting up, facing the row of seats
% (and their staring sitters) across from her, Elaine makes faces at them like
% she's a homicidal maniac from "Taxi Driver". You can just see the words
% ``You lookin' at *me*?'' etched in her brain. It's a killer.
%
% Anyway, as Elaine scurries off to the bathroom, Jerry and Tia are enjoying
% some hot towels on their faces.
Jerry: Oh my... that *is* refreshing...
Attendant: Would you care for some slippers?
Jerry: Sounds lovely! [To Tia, motioning to put them on her] May I?
Tia: Please!
Jerry: Why, It's a perfect fit. You must be Cinderella.
% They chortle to themselves and tink glasses (no, that's not a cleverly-
% masked euphemism). Back in the car...
George: My name is not mentioned in this blurb...
% Ding!
Kramer: It's Grossbard!
% Why don't these people listen to me? I don't understand...
George: Who's Grossbard?
Kramer: When I lived on Third avenue and 18th street 20 years ago, I had
this roommate who was *always* behind in his rent. Then one month,
he asks me to loan him his share of the rent-- 240 bucks! He took
the cash and >pfffft< disappears. Well, I try to find him, I went
to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Uh-uh. I never got the
money back! He screwed me! And that's the guy-- John Grossbard!
George: Hey Kramer, c'mon-- it was 240 bucks twenty years ago...
Kramer: No, I'm gonna turn around... I'm gonna get that guy...
George: No-no-no, Kramer. Kramer! Kramer! You *cannot* abandon people in
the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract.
We... we must go forward... not back.
% George, that's beautiful. Ever thought of running for office?
%
% Meanwhile, 32 000 feet above them, Elaine is still waiting to get into the
% bathroom-- there's someone in there. *Finally*, a ZZ Top reject comes out
% of the bathroom and, to paraphrase Jerry in "The Smelly Car": ``I open the
% door, like a *punch* in the *face*, the stench hits me--''. Elaine takes
% in a lungful of air and goes in. Brave little soldier.
%
% Jerry comes back from the *first class* washroom:
Jerry: Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? It's like an
English garden in there.
Attendant: They're gardenias, mostly.
Jerry: I thought I smelled lilac.
Attendant: Yes, there are a few of those, too...
Tia: It's almost overwhelming...
% The captain interrupts our little irony:
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to
equipment problems at the runway at Laguardia, we've been
instructed by the tower to re-route and land at JFK. We apologise
for any inconvenience...
% Elaine exits the bathroom, exasperated and curious:
Elaine: [To anyone who'll listen] What'd he say? What'd he say?
% Back to George and Kramer at Laguardia; George has been inside to see if
% J+E are there, he reports his findings back to Kramer in the car.
George: Well, You're not gonna believe it...
Kramer: What?
George: The plane's been re-routed *back* to Kennedy. We've got 45 minutes.
Kramer: Let's go. Listen to the bell, Grossbard-- it tolls for thee.
% Kramer peels out. He's on a mission from God.
%
% In first class, Jerry and Tia get the lo
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