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Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack
George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand
George:Why is there no haggling in this country?
Jerry:I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a
citrus drink.
George:Not me. Everything should be neogiable.
Jerry:Restaurants too?
George:Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta.
All starches are a scam.
Jerry:Yea especially zedi, with that big hole.
[George asks the store worker a question]
George:Excuse me, how much is this?
Worker:Dollar nineteen.
George:I'll give you a quarter.
Worker:Get the hell out of here.
Jerry:Tell him fourty and no fork.
George:Thirty.
Worker:Thats it you leave and never come back!
Jerry:How about we leave and come back in a week?
Worker:Deal!
George:Alright see? We got something there.
*****
[ Krammer and Jerry and on the side of the street talking about the new
chicken shack. ( I came in alittle late.)]
Jerry:Look at the size of that neon light.
Krammer:Roger's can't sell chicken around here, we got chicken places on
every block.
Jerry:He is the gambler.
Krammer:Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store. Helping him pick out a
turtle.
Jerry:Try and stay calm.
Krammer:Yea, yea.
[ Exit the K-Man.]
[ Man on street reconizes Jerry. ]
Man:Hey Jerry.
Jerry:Seth! Wow what has it been like five years?
Seth:At least.
Jerry:You wanna grab lunch?
Seth:Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office.
Jerry:Seth its me. What's more important than catching up with an old
college buddy?
Seth:Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.
Jerry:Blow it off. Remember Polly Si? [ I have no idea what he said ] How
many of those did we goto?
Seth + Jerry:Alright, alright.
Jerry:Whatever happened to Moochie?
Seth:He's dead.
Jerry:Is that right?
****
[George and elaine are in a store ]
George:I still don't understand how you can call lunch with me a bussiness
expense.
Elaine:What do you think of the catalog?
George:It stinks.
Elaine:There, we just talked bussiness.
Worker:We do have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.
Elaine:Oh great, put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.
Worker:You know what else we have that you might like?
Elaine:I'll take it.
[ George puts on a giant Russian hat ]
George:Hey you like?
[Elaine laughs]
Worker:I think that looks very nice on you.
George:Really? Elaine...Peterman account?
Elaine:Why not? [To worker] And some hair for my little friend here.
****
[ Jerry and Seth are eating at a restaurant]
Seth:So how's your stand up carrer?
Jerry:Pretty good, as a matter of fact. I almost had my own show in Japan.
Seth:You speak Japaneese.
Jerry:No
Seth:So you would have done it in Japan, but in English.
[Jerry thinks for a minute]
Jerry:I don't know. So what's this job of yours?
Seth:Big investment firm. We just got the Citibank account. In fact today
was our first big meeting with them.
Jerry:The meeting you blew off?
[Seth laughs]
Seth:Yea.
Jerry:Wasn't that kind of important.
[ Seth pauses to think, and then gets worried.]
Seth:Yea.
****
[Jerry and Elaine are talking on the phone]
Elaine:...and I brought I whole new set of cookware, and a water pic.
Jerry:You use a water pick?
Elaine:Sure, water pic, floss, plax, brush, listerine...
Jerry:So you go in the bathroom at eleven your in bed by what two?
Elaine:Well, at the latest. Oh hang on a second, I gotta another call.
Elaine:Hello?
Man.Good day Ms Benes, this is Roger Ipswitch.
Elaine:Oh hey! How are things doing in accounting?
Roger:Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit of merchandise
on the Peterman account.
Elaine:Well, I am the President.
Roger:Yes, and we're all very impressed. Never the less the expense account
is for bussiness purposes only.
Elaine:Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?
Roger:No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day.
Elaine:Good day.
[Elaine and Roger hang up, leaving Jerry still on hold]
Jerry:Hello, anybody?
****
[George walks into Monks wearing the Russian hat.]
George:Hey
Jerry:Hey, why didn't you get the big one?
George:This hat just bottles in the heat, I don't even need a coat! It's
unbelievable!
Jerry: I don't believe it.
George:And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa
Tomai thing going on.
Jerry:Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on.
George:I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.
Jerry:That's a date?
George:What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like a commercial
jingle. First it's a little irritatiing, then you hear it
a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third dates it's "By
Mennen!".
Jerry:How do you make sure your gonna get to the thrid date.
George:If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind keys, glove, scarf, I go
back to her place to pick it up...date number three.
Jerry:That's so old. Why don't you show up at her door in a wood horse?
****
[Jerry is at his apartment door]
Jerry:"By Mennen"
[Jerry notices a red dot on his door, he traces it to Krammer's peep hole,
jerry then knocks on Krammers door. When the door is opened a huge red light
is seen, Krammer is there smoking away on a cigar]
Jerry:What's going on in there.?
Krammer:What?
Jerry:The light!
Krammer:Oh the red, its the chicken roaster sign, its right accross my window.
Jerry:Can't you shut the shades?
Krammer:They are shut, oh yea your friend Seth stoped by.
Jerry:Yea? What'd he say?
Krammer:he was fired.
****
[Cut to elaine's office, elaine is trying to convice the accouting guy
that all of her expeneses are bussiness related]
Elaine:Well, as you can see the comforter I expensed is actually the
aristotle goosedown tunic. So what do you think?
Roger:Another bulls eye.
Elaine:Well Mr. Ipswitch since everyone of my expenses are obvoiusly for a
legitimate bussiness purpose.
[ Elaine turns on water pic to water plants.]
Roger:I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
Elaine:The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?
Roger:Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.
Elaine:What?
[Hits roger with water from water pic.]
****
[Jerry is talking to Seth at his apartment]
Jerry:Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important why did you go the lunch
with me?
Seth:We're old college buddies.
Jerry:I only knew you through Moochie.
Seth:Hey Jerry don't worry about it, the important thing is that we got to
catch up. Mind if I grab the want ads?
Jerry:Actually I haven't read Tank McNamara yet.
[Exit Seth. Krammer comes over, hits the wall. ]
Jerry:How's life on the red planet?
Krammer:Its killing me, I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that
giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.
Jerry:Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?
Krammer:Ah, they have me the heave ho. I don't think that Kenny Rogers has
any idea what's going on down there.
[Krammer gets out a bowl, fills it with ceral and then removes the tomato
juice from the fridge.]
Jerry:What are you doing?
Krammer:Getting some ceral
Jerry:Thats tomato juice.
[Krammer takes a big spoonful of ceral w/tomato juice!]
[Spits out ceral]
Krammer:That looked like milk to me! Jerry my Rods and Cones are all
screwed up! Alright, thats it I gotta move in with you Jerry.
[Krammer then spils the ceral on Jerry's wall...]
Jerry:I dont know Krammer, my only concern is that ....
[Cleans it with a dish rag....]
Jerry:..living together after a while we might start to get on each others
nerves a little.
[Squeezes juice from rag into container and puts container back in fridge]
Krammer:Alright listen to me, I got a great idea. You're a heavy sleeper,
right? Why don't we switch apartments?
Jerry:Or I could sleep in the park? You could knock these walls down, make
it an eight room luxary suite.
Krammer:Jerry these are lode baring walls, they're not gonna come down!
Jerry:Yea, thats no good.
Krammer:I may have to drive that place out of bussiness.
Jerry:How you gonna do that?
Krammer:Like we did in the sixties, takin' in to the streets.
[Krammer opens door and falls back from the neon light ]
[George is dropping off the woman that sold him the hat.]
Woman:Thanks george, but I got it from here.
George:Oh no I'm in already come on.
[George puts down the bags he came in with]
George: So you want to get together tomorrow?
Woman:No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
George:What about this weekend?
Woman:I'm gonna be busy for a while.
[George throws his keys on the table]
George:OK, see ya!
Woman:Hey, you forgot your keys.
Geoge:What, those aren't my keys.
Woman:Well they're not mine.
George:Oh, they are my keys, how wierd.
Woman:Bye George.
George:Yea.
Woman:George, bye!
[George places his hat on her chair, behind a pillow. ]
George:Costanza. [Like "By Mennen"]
****
[George and Elaine are in elaine's office. George is looking at a
bunch of fake butterflies on the wall? ]
Elaine:What do you mean you don't have the hat?
George:I left it at Heathers. Are these alive?
Elaine:No dead! George, I need that Russian hat back!
George:Alright, alright ,I'll call heather, you'll get your hat back,
I will get a second date. Ha ha. Now watch the magic.
[George tries to dial but gets a busy tone]
Elaine:Dial nine merlin.
[ George dials again and Heather picks up the phone]
Heather:Hello?
George:Heather Hi, its George Constanza.
Heather:Oy!
George:Ah , listen. I don't mean to bother you but, silly me, I think
I may have left my hat in your apartment. So I thought I'd just
come by later and pick it up.
Heather:You didnt' leave a hat here.
George:I'm pretty sure I left it behind the cushion of the chair ...
accidently.
Heather:No hat. George I gotta go.
George:You know maybe ... I'll ...
[Heather hangs up]
****
[ Jerry is walking down the street and sees Seth emptying garbage
for Kenny Roger's Chick shack]
Jerry:Seth?
Seth:Jerry Hi! What do you think?
Jerry:I think your taking the trash out for this chicken place, but that
couldn't be.
Seth:Yea, I'm the new manager
Jerry:But your were an executive, this is fast food.
Seth:Not fast food, good food served quickly.
[Krammer opens his window reveiling a banner saying "BAD CHICKEN"]
Krammer:Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you up.
Seth:That's not going to be good for bussiness.
Jerry:That's not going to be good for anybody.
****
[Krammer and Jerry are talking in Jerry's apartment. ]
Jerry:If I'm gonna live over there, you gotta take some of this stuff out.
I mean this thing is really freaking me out. I feel like its gonna
come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
[Jerry holds up a doll]
Krammer: Mr Marbles|? he's harmless.
Jerry:And one other thing, I don't want Newman using my...
[ Jerry is interupted by the sound of a tiolet flush, out comes Newman from
the bathroom]
Jerry:Oh no.
Newman:Nice place you got here Krammer a man can really got some
thinking done.
Jerry:Well dont get too comfortable, as soon as Seth gets a real job you two
are gong back in that chicken supernova.
[ Jerry puts on giant sunglasses and goes to Krammers apartment.
Newman starts eating chicken]
Krammer:What is that Rogers Chicken? Oh get that outta here.
Newman:I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.
Krammer:Well I'm boycotting it.
[Krammer looks at the chicken. ]
Krammer:What is that, hickory?
Newman:Yea, its the wood that makes it good.
Krammer:Really?
Newman:Uh-Huh.
[Krammer reaches for some and newman grows,]
Krammer:Oh stop it.
[ Krammer looks like he loves it ]
****
[Knock on Heather's door. ]
Heather:Can I help you?
[Its elaine, while she is talking she is dragging George in by pulling
his ear]
Elaine:Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barneys, I'm a freind
of George Costanza's. Wether you're aware of it or not George had
this patheic little plan to leave something behind so he could
weazel a second date.
Heather:Really?
Elaine:I know, he has a real confidence problem.
George:Well not really...
Elaine:George...Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because
you didn't want to see him again. And, more simpathtic I could not
be. But I really do need to have that hat back.
Heather:Look, I don't know what to tell you, but there's no hat here. I
mean, maybe the maid took it, I had people over, but...
George:Well that makes sense.
Elaine:Then you wouldn't mind if we took a second look around?
Heather:Be my guest.
[ George is being dragged in by his ear from Elaine ]
George:Good to see you again.
[ George and Elaine exit the apartment looking tired. ]
George:She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere.
Elaine:This is an absolute diaster.
George:Oh, I don't know. Check this out.
[George holds up a golden clock he had hidden in his jacket. ]
Elaine:You stole her clock?
[George smiles ]
Elaine:Well done.
George:Yep, this one for our side!
****
[Cut to Jerry's apartment, Krammer is in Jerry's bed eating Kenny Roger's
Chicken. Krammer wipes his face on Jerry's sheets, and doing so found
another piece of chicken, Krammer throws in on the floor.]
[Cut to Krammer's apartment, Jerry is wide awake in the dark (red).]
Jerry (Thinking):What is that creeking, its like I'm in the hold of a ship.
Gotta relax.
[sound of a door opening]
Jerry (Thinking):Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?
****
[ Morning at Jerry apartment]
Elaine:So I told Ipswitch I'd have the hat by this afternoon, what am I
gonna do?
Krammer:You should sleep with him.
[ Enter Jerry, his hair is like Krammer's. Jerry enters doing Krammer's
slide]
Jerrry:Hey everybody, I'm on no sleep, no sleep!. You don't know what its
like in there, all night long things are creeping and cracking.
And that red light is buring my brain!
Elaine:You look alittle stressed.
Jerry:Oh I'm stressed!
Elaine:So Krammer what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by
four o'clock they're gonna take me down like nixon.
Jerry:You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
Elaine:I thought he was Krammer's friend.
Jerry:Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. we got to talking, he sells
russian hats down at battery park, fourty bucks.
Elaine:fourty bucks? Are they sable?
Jerry:No, but the difference is unnoticable.
Krammer:Oh yea, I like this idea.
Elaine:Alright, lets give it a shot, lets go.
Jerry:Getty up!
[Exit Elaine and Jerry. Newman reveiles himselft, he was hiding in
the bathroom. ]
Newman:Its getting cold, its getting cold.
Krammer:That was a close one.
Newman:Why do we have to keep this a secret from Jerry?
Krammer:If jerry finds out I'm hooked on Roger's chicken I'm back there
with the red menace.
****
[ Back to Elaine's office]
Ipswitch:Ms. Benes the hat you charged to the company was sable, this is
neutria.
Elaine:Well, that's a kind of sable.
Ipswitch:No, its a kind of rat.
Elaine:That's a rat hat?
Ipswitch:And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice
but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors
nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this
time.
Elaine:But, but, he's in the Bremese junle.
Ipswitch:Yes, and quite mad from what I hear.
Elaine:Wait? Can I fire you?
Ipswitch:No.
****
[Cut to Monk's George and Krammer are eating together]
Krammer:So Heather called?
George:Yea, but get this, the message said 'call me if you have the time'.
Heh heh if I have the time, you get it?
Krammer:No, but this is all very exciting.
George:She knows that I have her clock, I know that she has my hat, I think
she's getting ready to make an exchange.
Krammer:Of course there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your
mind.
George:I've looked at that, seems unlikely.
Krammer:I'd look again. So, how you didn't call Jerry about all this?
George:I can't talk to Jerry anymore, even since he moved into that apartment
he's too much ... like you.
Krammer:That's a shame.
****
[Enter Jerry to Chicken Stand]
Jerry:Seth your the manager can't you turn off the sign?
Seth:Jerry, I lied, I'm just he assistant manager.
Seth (On loud speaker):Number sixty seven, family feast.
Newman:Number 67, right here, right here!
Jerry:Hello Newman.
Newman:Hello Jerry.
Seth:And don't forget your steamed brocilli.
Jerry:Hold it, Newman, you wouldn't eat brocilli if it was deep fried in
chocolate sauce.
Newman:I love brocilli, its good for you.
Jerry:Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
[Jerry opens container. Newman takes a piece]
Newman:Galdy.
[Newman spits it out]
Newman:Vile weed!
Jerry:Its Krammer isn't it? The greasy door knob the constant licking of
the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
Newman:Yes, now please. Someone honey mustard.
[Newman drinks mustard like henningins ]
****
[ Cut to Jerry's apartment, Krammer is waiting for Newman. Jerry comes in.]
Krammer:Newman, what took you so long, oh hey buddy.
Jerry:Expecting Newman? That's funny because I happened to find him at Kenny
Roger's Roasters.
Krammer:Kenny Roger's? Whew, boy, I hate that place.
Jerry:He was buying quite a load of chicken almost for two people, as long as
one of them is not him.
Krammer:Oh hey Elaine stoped by, yea droped off that bob sacamano hat, oh
shes upset at him, oh yessire. Yea well thanks for stoping by.
Jerry:I sure do miss my apartment maybe i'll switch back.
Krammer:Oh you don't want to think about that no sir. Otherwise I'd have no
choice but to put that banner back up and run that roger's right
out of town.
Jerry:I don't think you will. As a matter of fact I'll save you the trouble,
I'll do it myself.
Krammer:yea, yea go ahead ut the banner up doesn't matter to me.
Jerry:Alright.
Krammer:No Jerry! I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken,
you leave those roasters alone, Kenny never hurt anybody.
Jerry:You got a little problem .
Krammer:Oh I got a big problem Jerry!
****
[ Elaine is visiting Peterman in the bermese jungle. Elaine is brought
in and told to sit. ]
Peterman:Elaine.
Elaine:Mr. Peterman.
[A boy cuts a piece of fruit in the backgroud, Peterman scolds him in
another lanuage ]
Elaine:You speak bermese?
Peterman:No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding
the place?
Elaine:No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood.
Peterman:Are you an assassin?
Elaine:I work for your mail order catalog.
Peterman:You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill.
Elaine:Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this
expense, I think i could still make the last fan boat out of here.
Peter I'd be happy to Elaine ... but i will have to see this hat.
****
[George and Heather are at a bench in the park. George is holding a bag. ]
George:So how do you want to do this?
Heather:Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went out, I found
you very irritating, but after seeing you for a couple of times,
you sorta got stuck in my head, costanza!
[Costanza like "By Mennen"]
George:So you really dont have my hat?
Heather:What?
[George moves his bag]
George:Oh. lets go do something.
Heather:Whats in bag.
George:Thats a sandwhich.
[Clock starts ringing]
George:Damn samlami.
Heather:My clock, you stole it!
George:That damn deli that is last time they screw up one of my orders.
[Starts raining ]
****
[Jerry enter Chicken Stand. then rain has made the rat hat (which he was
wearing) wet (or course)]
Jerry:Hey Seth, man it is coming down hard out there.
[As jerry talks he tries to wave his rat hat dry, because of the wetness,
the hat falls apart into everyone's plate]
Jerry:Oh, gross. That's not gonna be good for business.
Seth:That's not gonna be good for anybody.
****
[Krammer in bed eating chicken when ... the kenny roger's chicken light
goes out]
Krammer:Kenny? ... Kenny?
****
[Krammer at his window with a sign saying "come back kenny" ]
Krammer:Kenny....
****
[Jerry is in bed at his own apartment]
Jerry:Home at last.
[Creek!]
Jerry:Is someone there? Mr. Marbles?
****
[elaine with peterman in the jungle ]
Elaine:Its the urban sombero, I put it in the last catalog.
Peterman:The horror...the horror.
[End Episode!]
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