SEINFELD
"The Opposite"
* Opening monologue
Jerry : It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their
handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back
in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, I've got
everything. Is it because men can't give birth that they're just proud of anything
that comes out of us? We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. What is the
source of pride here? We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of our
jacket. "I have a snot rag."
* We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne.
Mr. Lippman : To your promotion.
Elaine : Oh, thank you! ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this. I mean, of course I deserve it.
Mr Lippman : Well, you're really on your way now.
* Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently.
Elaine : You really oughtta do something about that cold.
* Cut to Monk's
Jerry : You got a raise?
Elaine : I don't fool around, baby!
Jerry : I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.
Elaine : They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japanese
conglomerate.
Jerry : Oh, when did that happen?
Elaine : They're signing the papers next week.
Jerry : Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?
Elaine : Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.
Jerry : Boy, you're on quite a streak. Job promotion, plus you're back with Jake
Jarmal.
Elaine : Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving in together.
Jerry : Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" Brown would be very
proud of you.
* Enter George
Jerry : Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?
George : I went to the beach. ( J and E exchange looks )
Jerry : Oh, the beach.
George : It's not working, Jerry. It's just not working.
Jerry : What is it that isn't working?
George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was
personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but ... I was
perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all
became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've
ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the complete
opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect
of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong.
( A waitress comes up to G )
Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
George : Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever
worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna
on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea.
Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite
of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
George : Good for the tuna.
( A blonde looks at George )
Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
George : So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine : Go talk to her.
George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents,
don't approach strange women.
Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being
intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be
right.
George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it
for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do
something!
( He goes over to the woman )
George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me.
( G takes a deep breath )
George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Victoria : I'm Victoria. Hi.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment. Jerry is on the phone.
Jerry : Are you kidding? They can't cancel that show on me now, it's too late for
me to book anything else for that weekend. Alright, alright ... okay, bye.
( Enter Kramer )
Kramer : Hey. Buddy, it's all happening!
Jerry : What's happening?
Kramer : The coffee table book. It's a go!
Jerry : Oh yeah, I heard all about it.
Kramer : You know what this means? I'm starting the book tour. First stop : Regis
and Kathy Lee.
Jerry : You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?
Kramer : Oh, you better believe it!
Jerry : I'll loan you my puffy shirt.
Kramer : No,no,no.
Jerry : What're you gonna talk about?
Kramer : Well, coffee tables.
( The phone rings )
Jerry : Hello? What? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. I just had something cancelled the same
weekend. Ok. Great. Bye.
( Turns to K )
Jerry : You know, life is amazing. I just lost a job and five minutes later get
another, same weekend, same money.
Kramer : You know who you are? Even Steven
*Cut to G's car; G and Victoria driving
Victoria : Are you growing a beard?
George : Why shave every day? It just grows right back.
Victoria : I guess ...
George : I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. If those kind of
superficialities are important to you, this probably isn't gonna work.
( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden manouver )
Victoria : Hey watch, he just cut you off! Did you see that?!
George : Take it easy. Take it easy. It's not the end of the world.
* Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria
Man no.1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?
Man no.2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat!
( They kick G and Victoria's seats )
Victoria : What are we gonna do? Shall we just move?
George : That won't be necessary.
( G gets up and turns towards the two men )
George : Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! We're trying to watch the movie!
And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonna
show you what it's like! You understand me? Now, shut your mouths or I'll
shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me. Because I
would love it!
( People applaud as G sits down again )
* Cut to G's car
Victoria : Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only nine thirty.
George : I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well.
Victoria : Who are you, George Costanza?
George : I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met.
* Cut to movie theater. Elaine is waiting for someone
Theater Manager : Excuse me, is your name Elaine?
Elaine : Yes.
Theater Manager : Were you suposed to meet a Jake Jarmal here?
Elaine : Yeah.
Theater Manager : Well, I'm afraid he's been in an accident.
Elaine : An accident? What happened?
Theater Manager : He got side-swiped by a cab, but he's alright. He's in St.Vincent
Hospital, room 907.
Elaine : Oh. Ok. Thank you.
( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter )
Elaine : Could I have a box of Jujyfruit?
* Cut to hospital
Jake : So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, he
skidded and he went right into my hip.
Elaine : ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. That is so terrible,
Jake. I mean, how can people be so stupid? Just sickening.
( Jake looks at E eating )
Elaine : You want one?
Jake : No thanks.
Elaine : So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?
Jake : Where did you get those?
Elaine : At the movies.
Jake : Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?
Elaine : Yeah, he did.
Jake : Then when did you get those?
Elaine : Right after ... that ...
Jake : So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off for
some Jujyfruit?
Elaine : Well... the counter...was right there, and...
Jake : I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running out
the building. Apparently, it didn't have any effect on you.
Elaine : No, no, it does!
Jake : If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't stop for
Jujyfruit!
Elaine : But...Jake...
Jake : I would like to be alone now, please.
Elaine : But, Jake, I didn't...
Jake : Goodnight!
* Elaine is forced to leave. We cut to Jerry's apartment. He's having a poker night.
Man no.1 : Ah, whaddya say we call it a night?
Man no.2 : Good idea, I'm kinda tired.
Man no.3 : How'd you do?
Man no.4 : Won 50.
Man no.2 : Lost 72.
Man no.1 : Won 37.
Man no.3 : Lost 15.
Jerry : Broke even.
* Cut to "Regis and Kathy Lee"
Regis : Can I bring out our next guest now?
Kathy Lee : Please, please.
Regis : Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is the
best part -
Kathy Lee : I love this.
Regis : It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!
Kathy Lee : Yeah. Is that clever? I think that is so clever!
Regis : I think so too. Did you get to meet him back stage?
Kathy Lee : I did.
Regis : I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?
Kathy Lee : I love his hair.
Regis : Yeah, oh, I do too. This guy could be a little bonkos. Really. Anyway, if you
will, would you please welcome: Kramer!
( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )
Kathy Lee : I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!
Regis : Kramer. So, a coffee table book about coffee tables. Where did you come
up with this idea?
Kramer : Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. I was
skiing at the time.
Regis : You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, and
you're writing books!
Kramer : Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. You stay in school!
Kathy Lee : Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I love
coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.
Kramer : You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns
into a coffee table.
( Demonstrates with his book )
Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?
Regis : Look at this!
Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?
Regis : Fabulous!
Kathy Lee : I want one of these.
Regis : Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?
Kathy Lee : This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.
Kramer : That's true. That's right.
Regis : Yeah? Well, I'm not in there. Where's mine?
Kramer : Oh, it's on file, right here. ( points to his head )
Regis : I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! He really is!
Kathy Lee : But he's adorable.
( Kramer takes a sip of coffee, then spits it out all over Kathy Lee's dress )
Regis : We'll be right back.
* Cut to Jerry's apartment
Jerry : So it's all over?
Elaine : Yeah, it got pretty nasty.
Jerry : And what did you go back for? Jujyfruit?
Elaine : It's not like I went across the street. I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.
Jerry : Why didn't you eat it in the cab?
Elaine : Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first.
( E points to the table )
Elaine : What's all this?
Jerry : Played cards last night.
Elaine : Oh yeah? How'd you do?
Jerry : Broke even.
Elaine : You always break even.
Jerry : Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got another one, and
then I missed a TV show, and later on they re-ran it. And then today I
missed a train, went outside and caught a bus. It never fails! I always even
out!
Elaine : Do you have twenty bucks?
Jerry : What for?
Elaine : Just gimme twenty bucks.
( E takes the money and throws it out the window )
Jerry : What the hell was that?
Elaine : Let's see if you get the twenty bucks back.
Jerry : You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and seen if that
came back.
Elaine : You know, things were going so good for me, you know, I got the job
promotion, we were talking about moving in together -
Jerry : Well, maybe next time someone's in a car accident you won't stop off for
candy first.
( George comes in )
George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! I tell you this, something is happening in
my life. I did this opposite thing last night. Up was down, black was white,
good was -
Jerry: Bad.
George : Day was -
Elaine : Night.
George : Yes!
Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?
George : Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and
he's gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to
the travelling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been
the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because
I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good
judgment I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Elaine,
Jerry, this is my religion.
Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ.
( George rushes out, J+E follow him. J puts his hand in his pocket )
Jerry : Elaine ... look! A twenty!
Elaine : Oh my God.
* Cut to Mr.Lippman's office
Kramer : Hey boss.
Mr. Lippman : Kramer. Come in.
Kramer : How're you doin' there, big guy? ( Puts his arm around the tobacco store
Indian )
Mr. Lippman : Have a seat.
Kramer : What, have you got yourself a cold?
( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )
Kramer : Wow, that's quite a honk! Get yourself some vitamin C with rose hips and
bioflavenoids.
Mr. Lippman : The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis and
Kathy Lee" the other day and -
Kramer : It was pretty good, huh?
( New sneeze, K jumps again )
Mr. Lippman : Anyway, the thinking here is that it would be best if you didn't do any more
of these shows.
Kramer : Because of the coffee thing?
Mr.Lippman : Kramer, I'm sorry.
Kramer : What about "Sonia Live"? Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?
Mr. Lippman : It's out -
Kramer : She's a doctor, I got a thing for her.
Mr. Lippman : Kramer, I -
( Mr. L sneezes again, K falls out of his chair )
* Cut to Yankee Stadium, and G's job interview
Mr. Cushman : Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences?
George : Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in
my office with the cleaning woman.
Mr. Cushman : Go on.
George : Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't
let me use his private bathroom. That was it.
Mr. Cushman : Do you talk to everybody like this?
George : Of course.
Mr. Cushman : My niece told me you were different.
George : I am different, yeah.
Mr. Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've
seen.
( Mr. Cushman gets out of his chair )
Mr. Cushman : Ah, Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This
is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Mr. Steinbrenner : Nice to meet you.
George : Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due
respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the moves
you have made with this fine organization. In the past twenty years
you have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal of
distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and
reduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of your
massive ego!
Mr. Steinbrenner : Hire this man!
* Cut to Pendant Publishing
Secretary : Tina Robbins is here to see you.
Man : Who's that?
Elaine : Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub-
letting my apartment from her.
Man : Alright, see ya. ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey.
Tina : Please.
Elaine : Hi Tina.
Tina: Hi Elaine.
Elaine : So, I haven't seen you in a while.
Tina : Elaine, we have a problem.
Elaine : Well, what is it?
Tina : You're getting kicked out.
Elaine : Kicked out?! Why?!
Tina : Well, there's been a number of complaints.
Elaine : Yeah? Like what?
Tina : Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.
Elaine : I didn't know who he
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