THE ROBBERY
[Scene: Comedy club]
JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this
women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that
I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me...
the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous
thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.
[shows several fingers to the audience] It's a finger, what
does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm
supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I
mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't
you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the
finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've
gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and
uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to
person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his
foot down] I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe,
isn't it ?
[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry is packing. Elaine is sitting
at the table watching Jerry]
JERRY: Is that it? Got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella,
something boring to read on the plane. [zips his bag with
exaggerated motions] That's it. Done!
ELAINE: [claps her hands] That is the single greatest packing
performance I have ever seen.
JERRY: [proudly] I am...the masterpacker.
ELAINE: [laughs] Yeah, right, you're the masterpacker.
JERRY: What you must understand, Elaine, [picks up the
umbrella] packing is no different than leading men into
battle: you've gotta know the strengths and weaknesses [hits
his bag rhythmically with his umbrella] of every soldier in
that platoon. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of
ordinary black socks.
ELAINE: 'Scuse me...masterpacker!
JERRY: ...Yes.
ELAINE: Just gimme your keys.
JERRY: Alright, sir. [tosses Elaine his keys; apartment buzzer
goes of, Jerry speaks over the intercom] George?
GEORGE: [outside over the intercom] Yeah
ELAINE: [Jerry opens the door] OK, so, now, is there anything
else I need to know 'bout this place?
JERRY: uh, yeah, the uuhh, hot water takes a little while to
come on. So, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all
your shopping, you...come back and take a shower.
ELAINE: OK, this is quite a place.
JERRY: There's more, the refrigerator. [Opens it] Deduct a
minimum of two days of all expiration dates. [uses the
umbrella to point to certain compartments in the refrigerator]
No meat, no leftovers, no butter. [closes the refrigerator]
And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is
that clear?
ELAINE: I'll eat out.
JERRY: One more thing, Bennis, regarding sexual activity:
strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a
big favour: do it in the tub.
GEORGE: [walks in] Ready?
JERRY: Yeah, one sec.
GEORGE: [closes the door] Hey, Elaine
ELAINE: Hi.
GEORGE: Coming to the airport with us?
ELAINE: No, I'm staying here for the weekend. I'm getting a
break from my roommate.
GEORGE: Oh, the actress-waitress.
ELAINE: No, the waitress-actress. She just got some part in
some dinner-theaterproduction of a Chorusline. So, now all day
long she's walking around the apartment singing: [singing]
"God, I hope I get it, I hope I get it". She's gonna get it
right in her...
GEORGE: You just kick her out.
ELAINE: She's on the lease!...George you have got to find an
other place for me.
GEORGE: Yeah, well...a little ruff finding something good in
your price-range. [looks like he remembers something and turns
to Jerry] But you, my friend, may be in luck.
JERRY: I'm not looking.
GEORGE: No no no, this one's different, this one's a beauty!
JERRY: Yeah, what's it like?
GEORGE: I haven't seen it yet, but it's a "two-bedroom", it's
on the uh, west 83rd, 'bout a half block from the park?
JERRY: How much?
GEORGE: Uh, twice what you pay in here, but it's a great
building, it's two bedrooms!
JERRY: Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I got enough
trouble maintaining activity in one. [George looks at Elaine
with a "he's-crazy-look"; Jerry turns around] I saw that.
ELAINE: You oughtta least take a look at it.
JERRY: Really? Why?
ELAINE: 'Cause then I could move in here.
JERRY: Ooohhhh
ELAINE: It's time you got out a here anyway.
GEORGE: Yeah, tell'm, but quickly, I'm double parked here.
ELAINE: Listen, Jerry, this place is falling apart. You have
no hot water, you can't have soft cheese...
GEORGE: Let's not forget the radiator, the steam has been on
here for ten years; no human can turn this off.
ELAINE: Jerry, come on, you're doin' OK now, you should at
least take a look at this place. You shouldn't have to live
like this.
JERRY: Like this? You just said, you wanted to live here.
ELAINE: Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from
Island to Finland.
GEORGE: Jerry, what do ya...you wanna...you wanna see the
place or not?
JERRY: I can't think about it now. Come on, I'm going to
Minneapolis. I got four shows this weekend.
[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry enters his apartment with his
bags.]
JERRY: Elaine! [puts his bags down, sits down on the couch,
picks up the remote control and tries to turn on his TV]
JERRY: [notices the TV is missing] ELAINE!
ELAINE: [from the bathroom] JERRY! [enters the living-room]
Jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. How were the shows?
JERRY: Great, I had fun, where's the TV, where's the VCR.
[Elaine looks guilty] What?
ELAINE: They were stolen.
JERRY: Stolen? When?
ELAINE: A couple a hours ago, the police are coming right
over.
JERRY: Stolen?
ELAINE: [Kramer enters the apartment] Someone left the door
open. [it's clear that she means Kramer; she walks to the
bathroom]
JERRY: [to Kramer] You left the door open?!
KRAMER: Uh, Jer, well ya know, I was cookin' and I, I uh, I
came in to get this spatula...and I left the door open, 'cause
I was gonna bring the spatula right back!
JERRY: Wait, you left the lock open or the door open?
KRAMER: [bobs his head guiltily] The door.
JERRY: The door? You left the door open?
KRAMER: Yeah, well, I was gonna bring the spatula right back.
JERRY: Yeah, and?
KRAMER: Well, I got caught up... watching a soap opera...[with
a broken voice] The Bold and the Beautiful
JERRY: So the door was wide open?
KRAMER: Wide open!
JERRY: [Elaine enters the living-room] And where were you?
ELAINE: I was at Bloomingdale's...waiting for the shower to
heat up.
KRAMER: Look, Jerry, I'm sorry, I'm uh, you have insurance,
right buddy?
JERRY: No.
KRAMER: [looks shocked] How can you not have insurance?
JERRY: Because...I spent my money on the Clapgo D. 29, it's
the most impenetrable lock on the market today...it has only
one design flaw: the door...[shuts the door] must be CLOSED.
Kramer: Jerry! I'm gonna find your stuff. I'm gonna solve it,
I'm on the case, buddy, I'm on the case!
JERRY: Yeah, don't investigate, don't pay me back, it was an
accident.
KRAMER: [theatrical] I made a mistake.
ELAINE: [idem] These things happen
KRAMER: [idem] I'm human
JERRY: In your way.
[Scene: Jerry's apartment. A policeman is filling out a
report. Jerry and Elaine are there.]
POLICEMAN: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather
jacket, a VCR and a computer...is that 'bout it?
ELAINE: Answering machine.
JERRY: [disappointed] Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea
of somebody out there returning my calls.
POLICEMAN: What do ya mean?
JERRY: It's a joke.
POLICEMAN: I see...Well, mister Seinfeld uh, we'll look into
it and uh, we'll let you know if we uh, you know, if we find
anything.
JERRY: You ever find anything?
POLICEMAN: No. [hands Jerry his copy of the report]
JERRY: Well, thanks anyway.
POLICEMAN: You bet.
ELAINE: [Policeman leaves the apartment, while George enters]
I didn't get that joke either.
JERRY: The crook has the machine. The messages aren't for him.
He's the crook: why would he answer...[turns around and sees
George standing behind him] How did you get in here?
GEORGE: [makes some weird motions] I walked in, your lobby
door is broken again.
JERRY: Again.
GEORGE: I don't know how you put up with this.
ELAINE: Yeah, tell'm George.
JERRY: [to Elaine] You would still wanna move in here?
ELAINE: Yes! You don't understand. I'm living with Ethel
Merman without the talent.
JERRY: [to George] Is that uh, other apartment still
available. [George shows him the keys]
[Scene: Comedy club.]
JERRY: I got ripped off for about the...18th time? And now,
the first couple a times you go through it, it's very
upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will
say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So
you think to yourself, ya know, you watch TV, you think:
"Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts...I'm gonna
see some real action." Right, you think that. So, the police
come over to your house...they fill out: the report...they
give you: your copy. Now...unless they give the crook his
copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do
you?...It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the
city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few
crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for
their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot.
"Did you lose a sony? It could be the Penguin...I think we can
round him up, he's dressed like a PENGUIN! We can find him,
he's a PENGUIN!
[Scene: The apartment on 83rd street. George, Elaine and Jerry
are entering the apartment.]
ELAINE: [looks around] Oh, well, come on...this is an
apartment, this is a home! This is a place to live...Oohhh, a
fireplace, are you kidding me! Does this work? [takes a closer
look at the fireplace]
GEORGE: I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace, this
is incredible.
JERRY: How do you get all that wood in here?
ELAINE: They deliver it.
JERRY: They deliver wood?
ELAINE: Yeah.
JERRY: Whatta ya tip a "woodguy"?
GEORGE: [looking intensively at the form with the apartment
description] I didn't know there was a fireplace?
ELAINE: Look! Look at...look at this! There's a garden.
GEORGE: A garden! I can't believe there's a garden!
JERRY: Would I have to get a gardner?
ELAINE: Yeah, you can get a gardner.
JERRY: You tip him?
ELAINE: You can.
GEORGE: [to Elaine] You don't tip a gardner!
ELAINE: You can tip a gardner.
GEORGE: You don't need a gardner.
ELAINE: Jerry, you can barbecue back here [points to garden].
JERRY: They deliver the coal?
ELAINE: Sure, it's...probably the same guy, who delivers the
wood.
JERRY: Oh, than I gotta tip him.
ELAINE: Oh damn, this place is incredible, look at all this
great light!
JERRY: I don't have any plants.
GEORGE: I have plants.
ELAINE: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking
in it! [walks in the closet] It's a "walk-in". Can you believe
it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?!
JERRY: [closes the closet with Elaine still in it]...I like
that. [opens the closet, Elaine walks out with an angry look]
What do ya think, George?
GEORGE: It's your decision.
JERRY: [walks around with Elaine walking next to him, copying
his every move. Suddenly Jerry stops walking; Elaine is not
able to copy this "move"; they look at each other laughing]
I'm takin' it, I'm takin' the place, I'm gonna take it, this
is gonna be my new place, I'm livin' here...I'm movin'.
ELAINE: [laughing with joy] Your movin'? That means I'm
movin'. [hugs Jerry] Gheeeeee [runs to George] isn't that
incredible!
GEORGE: Congratulations. [obviously not so thrilled by the
fact]
[Scene: Jerry's apartment. Jerry and Elaine are there.]
ELAINE: What about the couch?
JERRY: You like the couch? I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.
ELAINE: What?
JERRY: You're movin' in, you're a good friend, I wanna start
you off on the right foot. Give me...$150 dollars. [Elaine
looks shocked, Jerry opens the door to the hall] Get it out a
here right now, take it out the door, I don't even wanna see
it, go, get it out.
ELAINE: A $150 dollars? A $150 dollars for what? For this
couch?
JERRY: Yeah!
ELAINE: For this couch?!
JE
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