SEINFELD SCRIPT by Daniel Khamsing (khamsing@mail.sdsu.edu)
76th episode
Season 5, number 12
Original broadcasting date: January 6, 1994
Written by Larry Charles
Directed by Tom Cherones
regular cast:
Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine)
Michael Richards (Kramer)
Jason Alexander(George)
guest starring:
Jami Gertz (Jane)
Dan Cortese (Tony)
(missed Jerry's opening monologue.. sorry :)
>the bathroom
.Elaine: what a dope!
uh..excuse me
umm.. I'm sorry
this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here
.Jane (from the stall on Elaine's right): are you talking to me?
.Elaine: yeah.. I
I just forgot to check
so if you could just spare me some
.Jane: no I'm sorry
.Elaine: what?
.Jane: no I'm sorry, I can't spare it
.Elaine: you can't spare it??
.Jane: no there's not enough to spare
.Elaine: well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
.Jane: I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
.Elaine: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
.Jane: no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
.Elaine: oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply
.Jane: look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
.Elaine: no no, no no, don't don't, I beg you
>the movie theater
.Jerry (eating pop corn): hmm I love this artificial flavoring
I like it better than butter
I think it's more consistent
.Jane: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
.Jerry: what? (offering pop corn to Jane)
(elsewhere in the theater)
.Elaine: hey
.Tony: hey
hey? where is my popcorn babe?
.Elaine: what?
.Tony: my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn
what? would you forget about me babe?
.Elaine: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
.Jane: I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it
this woman just didn't get it, she kept harassing me
.Elaine: 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!
.Jane: she wouldn't stop
"help me! help me!"
she was insane
.Elaine: I was begging her
"please! please!"
she was insane
Jerry: who do you think she is? how dare she?
you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore
we'd flush her out
.Jane: I don't know what she looks like
.Jerry: I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her
she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
.Elaine: hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like
.Tony: hey? you think if I jumped off this balcony I'd get hurt?
>Jerry's apt.
(Jerry's at his computer)
(Kramer enters)
.Kramer: hey
.Jerry: hey
.Kramer: hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?
.Jerry: what's the matter with yours?
.Kramer: huh.. my batteries are dead
.Jerry: hey it's not one of those 976 calls, is it?
.Kramer: look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
.Jerry: why do you do that?
.Kramer: oh... (get in the bedroom)
(Elaine enters)
.Elaine: I am never going back to the movies again
.Jerry: hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you
.Elaine: I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side
.Jerry: oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
.Elaine: yeah
.Jerry: hey hey (fooling around with his collar)
.Elaine: yeah, all right ok
.Jerry: Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)
.Elaine: that's nice. Listen, listen to this
I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
.Jerry: huh huh
.Elaine: I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper
.Jerry: no what?
.Elaine: toilet paper
.Jerry: oh whoa..
.Elaine: so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ho ho
.Jerry: well maybe she couldn't spare it
.Elaine: a square?
.Jerry: well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
.Elaine: a ply?
.Jerry: Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert
.Elaine: yeah
.Jerry: it's battle conditions
.Elaine: yeah, well
I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain
if I hear it, watch out
So listen what happened with Jane last night?
.Jerry: oh.. Jane she huh.. she huh..
.Elaine: the 4 of us are going out Saturday right? hat should be fun
.Jerry: yeah that should be real fun
.Elaine: you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?
.Jerry: yeah
(Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone)
.woman's voice on the phone: then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?
.Elaine: Andre? (Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine)
.Kramer (on the phone): what about the driver? we could get an accident
.woman: so what?
.Kramer: oh that wouldn't be very good
.Jerry (on the phone): hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!
.Elaine: what is going on? what.. who is Andre?
.Jerry: Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone
.Kramer: Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone sex thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..
.Jerry: hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
.Kramer: hey, you're hungry? Monk's?
.Jerry: no I gotta go downtown
.Elaine: oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?
.Jerry: yeah
.Elaine: so listen, what happened last night with Jane?
.Jerry: nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube
>Jerry's car
.Elaine: you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer
.Jerry: I know, I just can't bring myself to do it
meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles)
(Elaine looks at her watch)
oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
.Elaine: hey you got a problem with Tony?
.Jerry: hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
.Elaine: ok Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like
.Jerry: of course you would
.Elaine: oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk
.Jerry: Elaine
.Elaine: what?
.Jerry: it's different for a man
.Elaine: huh?
.Jerry: we're expected to be superficial
.Elaine: I'm not being superficial
.Jerry: Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo
.Elaine: he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man
he just happened to have a perfect face
.Jerry: and that's why you're going out with him
.Elaine: no it is not
.Jerry: you know, I think George has a non sexual crush on him
.Elaine: I think he does too
.Jerry: I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him
>Monk's
.Tony: so I said huh.. "hey dude, you better step off"
(Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards)
.George: "step off"?
.Tony: yeah
.George: you said "step off"?
wow, that is too much
hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony)
Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
.Tony: no
.George: bowling! what do you see bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time
.Tony: bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling
.George: rush? you want a rush? drop a bowl on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'd be throbbing, you'd see visions
.Tony: no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
.George: all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut butter?
.Tony: what.. whatever
.George: alright alright, I gotta buy some bread
.Tony: yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing
.George: me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down
.Tony: cool, so what do you say we climb a rock ma¤ana?
.George: huh.. ma¤ana? huh ma¤ana might.. huh ma¤ana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced ma¤ana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one ma¤ana's notice (Kramer enters)
.Tony: hey Kramer
.Kramer: hey
.Tony: hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing ma¤ana?
.Kramer: ma¤ana I'm doing nada
.Tony: what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?
.George: huh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches
.Tony: c'mon Kramer what do you say?
.George: huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there
.Kramer: I am down
.Tony: yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer
you down to it George? what's wrong?
.George: I am down!
>Jerry's
.Elaine: rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine and Jerry laughs)
.George: alright alright
.Jerry: yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?
.George: yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy
.Jerry: cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?
.George: he's the 1st cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie! (Kramer enters)
.Kramer: hey
.everybody: hey
.George: hey nice move today
.Kramer: what?
.George: horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony
.Kramer: he asked me
.George: you put him on the spot
.Kramer: you know I think you're in love with him
.George: what?.. that's ridiculous!
.Kramer: no no no, I don't think so. You love him
.George: you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either
(phone rings, Kramer answers)
.Jerry: you're making sandwiches?
.Kramer: hello
.George: well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there
.Kramer: who?
.George: Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut butter?
.Elaine: hates it
.George: good thing I asked
.Jerry (to Kramer): who is it?
.Kramer: well she says Jane
.Jerry: yeah, so?
.Kramer: well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty
.Jerry: did you say flinty?
.Kramer: yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty
>on the rocks (Kramer and George are hanging on a rock)
.Kramer (singing): yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo!
hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)
.echo: hello
.Kramer: hey George, hear that?
(George is terrified)
.George: please please please, stop moving
that's all I'm asking..
Kramer!!
(George grabs Kramer's leg)
.Kramer: let go, hey grab the rock
.George: what rock?
.Kramer: the rock
.George: uh oh..
.Kramer: you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
.George (sobbing): yodel lay hee hoo..
.Kramer (chanting): yodel lay hee hoo
.George (sobbing): yodel lay hee hoo..
.Tony (voice from below): George! Kramer!
.Kramer: yeah!
.Tony: take the rope, thread it through the carabiner and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are
.Kramer: alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)
.George: yeah
.Tony: hey George, you got anything to eat dude?
.George (taking it out of his jacket pocket): yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut butter
(the ropes slides down)
.Kramer: what?
.Tony: dude aah....
(George and Kramer look at each other)
George and Kramer: ahh.....!!
>Jerry's
(Jerry and Jane are eating)
.Jerry: ..can I have your napkin?
.Jane: what?
.Jerry: you napkin I'm dripping
.Jane: well where is your napkin?
.Jerry: I used it up
.Jane: well I need mine
(looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work
.Jerry: you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
.Jane: I told you already it's very boring
you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum
.Jerry: you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
(buzzer)
.Jane: oh how does this thing work?
.Jerry: just press it
.Elaine: it's Elaine
.Jane: oh come on up
.Jerry (coming out from the bathroom): who was it?
.Jane: it's Elaine
.Jerry: oh..huh.. is she coming up?
.Jane: yeah
.Jerry: huh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.
.Jane: ok
Jerry: Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah
(Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now)
.Jane: hmm
.Jerry: have some more, take a load
.Jane: isn't it too much
.Jerry: trust me.. nah it's good
.Jane: smell?
.Jerry: yeah stinks, terrible
(Elaine enters)
.Jerry: hi Elaine
.Elaine: hi
.Jerry: this is Jane Elaine
.Elaine: hi, nice to meet y
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