The world according to Homer Simpson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or
the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at
you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa (reading invitation): "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for
BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: (Offering Lisa a donut.) Donut?
Lisa: Uhh... got any fruit?
Homer: This one has purple in it. Purple's a fruit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What
about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical
animal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: (Eating a hot dog) Delicious!
Homer: I've got the presciption for you, Doctor... another hot beef
injection! (Hands him a hot dog)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a
sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old!
Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to
drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're
making a scene."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to
pass me the syrup?
Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any
meat products.
Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I
do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you
said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to,
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so
smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain
cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds
and TV... is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling.
(Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.)
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmm...
sacrelicious.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... beer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15
bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this
guy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love,
and I won't be back for ten minutes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... free goo.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step
step... slam)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get
through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer:
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're
prejudiced against all races.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you
win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is,
never try.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63
(munch munch munch)
(cut to much later)
Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the
terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS
OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
(Starts sobbing uncontrollably)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... soylent green.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo hoo!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I
thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But
instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer (Looking at a "nudie deck"): "The girls of the internet." Ooh, I'd go
online with them anyday!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering,
I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead,
please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing
defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion?
Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him!
Marge: You didn't vote for anybody.
Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became
deeply cynical.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back
here, anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Homer: To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.
Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid
sweater every day and...
Homer: The Springfield river!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(
geocities.com/hollywood/boulevard) (
geocities.com/hollywood)