OK, here is the deal. I am not holding anything back at this point. Let it be known you were warned.
I started taping MST3K shows for a dude in Canada who's poor underprivledged 3rd world country could not get the greatest television show ever created: Mystery Science Theater 3000.
But I kid the Canadians.
No seriously, I started taping shows and mailing them Northward, risking the wrath of Mounties and generally not giving a wet slap if it was right or wrong. Well, in the process, I turned this guy into an MST3K-aholic. Life was good.
But little did I know that he had plans for me as well. This gentleman became a fanatic of one episode in particular. A fetid little pile of dingo's doo-doo called MITCHELL! His enthusiasm was infectious, and soon he had me hooked on this episode. It got to the point where it was all I ever talked about. I was ALIVE for the first time!!!!
Well, I soon lost my job and my wife because of this obsession, but I felt that these were very minor inconveniences on the road to Mitchell, and my faith flourished.
With much time on my hands at this point, I knew it was time to take Mitchell to new heights. My Canadian counterpart and I started doing a little e-mail ritual. I would send him an idea for a JOE DON BAKER (aka MITCHELL!!!) Top five list and he would have to come up with 5 good answers for it or be horsewhipped at dawn. In return he would send me one and I would have to attempt to do the same.
What you have before you (or rather on the previous page) are the RAW and UNEDITED results of these creative juices at work. They of course have been hosed off and sanitized for your protection, but they are here as a complete work. A saga if you will. A lifelong quest dedicated to one man, one Joe Don, one vengeful Lord of Puffiness.
So pick up a copy of MST3K's MITCHELL on videotape today (since these things make little sense without it). It is available from Rhino home video for the price of a 20 piece McNugget pack and a Six Pack of Schlitz. These top 5 lists work as a companion piece to this work of genius. My collection represents the American half of the list, and be sure to visit the JOE DON PORKAPALOOZA, the Canadian couterpart to all of this silliness.
It's worth it.
Trust me.
I'm totally serious.