John Woo's Once A Thief
Episode 1: Big Bang Theory
I'm serious, man -- I look at her, I'm right back in Hong Kong. Hey, leng loi!
[ speaking Cantonese ] Oh, what's the matter, Vic? [ speaking Cantonese ]
Ha, no, thanks, Mac. I don't speak Cantonese.
Don't you think you better learn?
I've been doing just fine in English, thanks very much. Keep your mind on the
job.
Oh, yeah, yeah. She's looking like that; I should think about the job?
Besides, I don't have a job, ok? I have a life sentence. Every day's the same.
None of them mean anything. I mean, you ever feel that way?
No.
Boy, you're an eloquent guy, Vic.
Attack the ruling order. Attack the ruling order. Attack the ruling order.
Attack the ruling order. Attack the ruling order.
This woman's dress would feed a worker's family for a month. What does the
helmsman say about this? Down with the parasitic class. But when the
counter-revolutionary brings us ransom money, which buys more guns, which
empowers the workers... then she is...
A revolutionary asset!
Yes!
Time to go.
[ screaming ] Nobody moves, nobody dies!
Act now on this limited-time offer.
[ screaming ] Death to the capitalistic stooges!
They call us stooges?
Yeah, they did.
I resent that.
Death to the capitalistic stooges!
[ panting ] Who are you?
I keep asking myself that.
Get her up.
Now you see what I was talking about? Same stuff every day. I need a bigger
challenge.
We're out of ammo.
That's a good start.
There was only supposed to be four of them, and they weren't supposed to have
AK-47s.
Smart as Einstein, legs to die for--
And her own stun grenades. The total woman.
You're wonderful.
No job satisfaction. None at all.
Yes, it's another wonderful day in the neighbourhood. Vic, what's the matter?
Aren't you wonderful?
I don't like you.
You pick me up every morning.
Yeah, the Director makes me.
Well, and I'm very grateful for this. The car they gave me was obviously made
in Afghanistan.
Your probation's almost up. You know, they buy you any car you want if you
pass.
And you took this? I'm putting in for a Testarosa.
Pff, yeah, right. What is wrong with this car?
This is not a car. This is a pick-up truck. It's so, uh, pretentious.
Oh, ok, Mr. Testarosa, what is pretentious about a pick-up truck?
'Cause you're pretending that you need a truck. You're an intelligence agent,
Vic. You know, actually, intelligence may be a bit ironic on your part, but...
what are you hauling back there? Mining equipment, bales of hay, state
secrets? Ok, let's see what we got here: peanut butter and jam, milk, apples,
oranges. Your mom make this for you?
Close the box.
You see, Vic, here's where we are a little different. Back in Hong Kong, we
have some sophistication.
Yeah? So go back. Oh, no, I forgot. Your so-called family would butcher you
like a cheap side of beef.
Wah-ha! Says you.
You know they're offering three million to anyone who hands you over? That
kind of money, I should, I should. I should just call them myself, give Li Ann
and I the right start in life.
All right, let's get something straight here, ok? She's not going to marry
you. I mean, you're an ex-cop, full-time dork. What the hell could she
possibly see in you?
I'm not you.
[ whistling ]
Just for once, don't antagonize Dobrinsky, all right -- he actually doesn't
like it.
'Morning.
Hey, Dobrinsky, what's in the bag? Director's dirty laundry again, huh?
New security procedure, gentlemen. DNA testing -- make sure of who you are.
Ow!
Oh, I'm sorry. That's a taser. My mistake. Have a nice day.
That's got to hurt.
Some partner you are -- let him tase me.
Not only that, man. I'm going to marry your girlfriend.
Dream on -- she just pretends to like you to get back at ma.
Vic!
Mind you, she's very convincing. I'm telling you, this whole place is starting
to wear thin on me. reviews, probation, the Director. What, are we in grade
school?
2Class will come to order. Today marks three months since I've put this team
together. So...time for your evaluation.
Uh, will spelling count?
It began with Victor, a cop I found and had to bail out of deep disgrace --
then I added two criminals on the run from the Hong Kong family that raised
them and now wants to kill them. Once a thief, always a thief, some people
said. But I held out hope. Let's start with Li Ann, teacher's pet. Outstanding
criminal skills, yet with a moral sense. And best of all, she is Mac's former
lover, now engaged to marry Victor. This adds a note of sexual tension to the
unit, always my very favourite motivator. Victor has been exactly what I
thought he'd be -- effective. Although, something of a ruffian at recess.
[ giggling ]
Now we come to Mac, our underachiever. Mac could do better. Mac is apathetic.
Mac daydreams in class. Presumably about Li Ann.
Yea-- ahem. What do you want from me? I mean, you drag me into another
country. I can't even get real Hong Kong food. You force me to work for your
weird intelligence outfit. I haven't even gotten paid yet.
You live in one of our nicest apartments.
Great, I'll eat the furniture.
I wouldn't put it past him.
I put this team together in violation of the rules. I like extremity and
chaos, and these you give me. I also like results. And those are decidedly
mixed. This next case will determine your fate. This is Paul "the Twister"
Massenhoven. We don't call him that because he likes the old party game. He
twists necks. It's a trademark. Couple of days ago, a young political
dissident from china, Wei Sheng, was found with her neck broken in just this
way.
Massenhoven is a stalker.
He's a thief! The apartment was ransacked, but we don't know what's missing.
What we do know is that he has an appointment tomorrow morning at the Zurich
Mercantile Bank.
Hiding whatever he stole.
Find him. Intercept him. Find out what he's carrying.
See, wiring's what an I.G.'s all about, ok? An I.G. has access to the nexus.
The nexus?
Yeah, plural for nexus. Latin, fourth declension, nominative plural. But it's
the place where everything connects.
And an I.G. is...?
An I.G. is an Information Gangsta. I break into the nexus. Data banks,
satellites, credit checks. You see, crime is information, and guys like you,
you're U.S. Steel.
'Cause we steal things.
I mean steel like the plate in your head U.S. Steel. You're a smokestack
industry: Drugs, murder, rackets. Now, that worked a hundred years ago, but
now it's rusting out. Me, I'm Microsoft: programs, data, information. That's
what crime's going to be. Knowing everything, like this. Paul Massenhoven,
serial freelance killer. No big deal, right? But I happen to know that he's
got this computer disk, ok, and the stuff on it is worth about a million,
maybe 1.5. Now to make it work, an I.G.'s got to rip on these machines, but
he also must know how to enforce. That's where you come in. You willing to
audition?
Yeah, yeah.
Good, now, with so much information, you got to motivate your staff, or they
start cutting into your gig. Hey, Zero. You make any large consumer purchases
recently?
No, why?
Well, 82.5 on a Beemer last week, and the problem is I pay you 43.
[ gunshot ]
Aaagh! My leg!
Was that ok?
It was good. Now we'll try you on something bigger.
Hey...hey, hey. Here comes my next wife. Now, Vic, come on. Even you are
affected by her.
Am not.
Yeah, you should see him, Li Ann. He's got his tongue hanging down around the
clutch.
The Director is right -- this is grade 5. Just keep your eyes peeled for
Massenhoven, all right?
Music:
I get to wishing that there were two of you
My heart cries out
More, baby
It feels so nice
I want your arms to wrap around me twice...
I ever tell you how I got started as an I.G.? It's a funny story: When I was
16, I planted a mini-cam in a massage parlour. I was, you know, pretty hopped
up on the hormones and all.
Music:
...can't get enough of you, baby, right or wrong
Baby, right or wrong...
Come on, just a taste.
Those are tentacles.
Eels don't have tentacles. That's just the way they cut it.
Leave him alone. We're looking for Massenhoven.
A little bite -- come on, come on, come on, come on.
Music:
More, baby
I love you so much
I wish that there was more of you to touch...
Nothing tops good Cantonese food. [ speaking Cantonese ]
And that would be who?
Pan-fried clams sauteed with black-bean sauce.
Music:
Can't get enough of you, baby...
[ speaking Cantonese ] Steamed grouper with endives and green onions.
[ knocking ]
Excuse me, it's taken.
[ speaking Cantonese ] Delicious.
Check the bank, boys.
Music:
Can't get enough of you, baby
Hey, that's him. That's Massenhoven.
Thermo Hey, that's Massenhoven.
I got him.
Cool. Recovery is ready.
I'll follow him.
Music:
Can't get enough of you, baby...
[ rifle firing ] Ohh...
Get out of the way!
Out of the way!
Perhaps I overestimated you. I assumed you could distinguish between a man and
a woman.
Vic had the hots for her. Him.
You pointed her out.
I did not get a good look at her -- at...him.
Exactly, you did not get a good look on a surveillance mission. You failed.
You are a failure.
Don't you think that you're the failure?
Pardon me?
You picked me. What if you were wrong? I'm not right for it, don't like it.
You say I'm no good at it. But you make it worse by forcing me to stay here.
You're the failure.
Not any more I'm not. I had hoped to convince you to stay. More money, better
car. Even found that great Hong Kong restaurant you're always complaining
about being unable to find. But you've convinced me. I thought you were a
better man. But you were right, I was wrong, so go.
What's the catch?
No catch. Go.
Are you coming?
She can't.
Excuse me, she's my partner. Don't you think that that's her decision?
Somebody pinch me. I must be dreaming.
General Bootelambo -- Thermo Rakis. [ speaking foreign language ] Well,
central Africa this time of year, chafing is bound to be a problem. Well,
you...listen, I just thought you might want an update on the rebel positions.
Uh, 200,000. Dollars, yeah, is that cool? Good, they broke camp at Bosankulu
this morning on the road that runs northeast. Yeah, you bet. It's always a
pleasure. Listen, if there's anything else I can do for you-- well, why don't
you try a little corn starch? That'll give you some relief. Ok? Ok, right, you
have a good weekend...ok. Time is money.
So let me shoot it open.
The proper sequence of numbers opens a lock. It's a physical effect
accomplished by information. It's precise, it's logical, it's beautiful.
So is shooting.
Oh, this is such a defeat.
There's no disk.
So I see, now... all right, this is not good. In fact, it's bad. Ok, two
possibilities: one, the information was wrong, plainly impossible -- two, we
shot the guy at the wrong time. If he wasn't entering the bank but exiting it,
the disk wouldn't be in the case, but in the bank. This isn't a feather in
your cap. It's a black eye. Now I have to start all over again with the
interview process, and I hate the interview process!
Hello. I'm afraid lunch is over. We open for dinner at 5:00.
Oh...well, that's ok, uh, I can wait a couple of hours.
You're all alone.
In every possible way.
Well, then, you're ready to experience the pleasures we have to offer. Table
for one? I hope you enjoy genuine Hong Kong cuisine.
Well, how authentic are we talking?
Well, our seafood is flown in daily from Hong Kong. The bream was swimming in
the china sea last night.
China sea bream.
Or monacle, gold line bream. Whatever you want, I can give it to you.
Do you have...sweetlips?
Of course, and I also do a wonderful humphead.
That's one of my favourites. [ speaking cantonese ]
A menu? Don't worry. I know want you want.
[ singing in Chinese ]
So...was it good for you?
It was fantastic.
I'm glad. You know, I also deliver. Give me a second. Hey, what is this?
Long time since you've given us money.
Get out of here. Get out of here.
Hey! The, uh, profit-sharing plan's been cancelled, boys.
Please, don't.
Please, don't.
Let her go. Three, two--
Sleep tight. Are you all right? Who are these baboons?
They're a gang. Just a local gang. They like to make trouble. I guess I better
ask who your are, too.
Ramsey. Mac Ramsey.
I'm Kathy Chao. Thank you, Mac Ramsey.
My pleasure.
Look at this -- Massenhoven's daytimer.
Four phone numbers only. Nothing else.
Your call cannot be completed as dialled.
Maybe it needs a country code or something.
We should have defended him.
Who, Mac? No. No, he was wrong.
That's not the point. It's a friendship thing.
No, no, he's your friend. I can't stand the guy.
Come on, you guys work back to back, bullets flying past your heads. Who else
would you do that with? Someone you love and trust.
What are you saying? You still love the guy?
Yes, of course I do. Thank you for telling me that.
Don't you see? This case is not about evidence. It's a test of our friendship.
All of us. We're not going to solve this case until we solve each other.
The phone numbers mean something.
You should give them to the Director. Ok, good. I'm going after Mac.
What for?
To get him back.
[ doorbell ringing ]
Hi.
Can I come in?
Yeah, of course, I mean, always.
Were you expecting someone?
No, oh, yeah, uh, food delivery guy, person.
Look, uh, we need to talk. I was wrong this morning. I should have defended
you to the Director.
I'm glad to be out.
No, you're not. Nothing is complete without you. You're my other half. I want
you to come back.
What?
I want you back.
Tell me you mean that.
I do. We really need you.
"We?"
Victor even admitted... well, hinted that, in his heart, we need you.
Vic knows. That's good, I see. So, then you need me on a professional basis.
Yeah, of course. What did you think I meant? You thought that I was... men
have such fragile egos. I'm talking about loyalty, I'm talking about what we
mean to each other--
What you mean to me is everything, ok -- and as far as loyalty goes, I am not
going to go marry some other guy.
We were together in Hong Kong. You disappeared for two years. I thought you
were dead.
Well, you were wrong.
I can't help that now.
We can get over this. We can move on.
[ doorbell ringing ] Shall I get that?
Hello.
Hi.
In the mood for something hot?
You don't waste any time.
Hey, if we're over, we're over. This has nothing to do with you, right?
Apparently.
Hello. Who was that?
I'm not sure any more.
God, that was so good. Think fast.
So, aside from being a man of great taste, who the hell are you, anyway?
Uh, I'm an independent businessman.
Meaning?
Uh, consulting mostly. I'm in security.
Security? Wow! So do you know any criminals? 'Cause I've always wanted to meet
a thief. Someone sophisticated and cool. Danger is such a turn-on.
Ha, did I mention actually that my job is quite dangerous?
Did I mention that I brought dessert?
Dessert is whipped cream?
No. Dessert is me.
Ok. Um... this doesn't feel right.
It will.
Ok, um... I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
No, um... really, I'm sorry. Listen, wait, wait. You don't have to go.
I don't give second chances.
Oh!
Welcome to cooking class. Whoa, man, the laws of physics, you can't beat them.
I told you, I quit.
Hmm, you weren't very cool to my people today.
They tried to rip-off the register.
Like you've never been young. Now, Kathy, you're not living up to the deal.
You see, the guy who replaced you, he just-- he didn't work out. And now I
want, I need, I crave... I desire something very special to be collected from
a bank vault.
I told you, I'm out.
Oh, yeah, right, right, you're a restaurateur. Well, I bet you haven't told
Singapore about your new career. And I still do a lot of business there. And
I'd hate to send you back all burned out.
What are we talking about? Your usual bank vault stuff, you know, your
specialty. Air-tight security, uh, but you're the best. What do you say?
Wow! This is some joint.
Yeah, the hint of terror, paranoia, thought control -- it's very relaxing.
You can take in dinner and a show trial.
You were right about those phone numbers -- not exactly local calls. Beijing,
shanghai.
Anyone in particular?
Yeah, the intelligence arm of the people's liberation army.
Which links us back to the Chinese dissidents.
Correct for 50 points. After Tienanmen square, a lot of people helped get
dissidents out of china. Wei Sheng was carrying a list of those people who
helped.
So the Twister killed Wei to get it and sell it to the Chinese government.
Right -- if their intelligence community gets hold of that disk, a lot of very
good people will come to a very bad end. The Tang family are on that list.
My family helped get dissidents out of China?
Even gangsters do the occasional good deed. But if Beijing finds out about
this, it's the end of the Tangs.
[ doorbell ringing ]
I brought a peace offering.
You didn't have to do that.
I'm sorry about last night.
Oh, hey, listen, I am the one that should be sorry. I mean, I wasn't rejecting
you. Believe me, it's just that--
I was too aggressive. I mean, sometimes I put up this tough facade, but I'm
not so tough.
Is there something wrong?
Mac, I have a problem, a big one. There's no one I can turn to.
Hey... I'm not doing anything this afternoon.
I haven't told you the whole truth about myself.
Well, I mean, who really tells the whole truth?
Those guys in the restaurant, they used to run the Chinatown in Montreal,
where I grew up. I took a loan from them to get through school.
And you can't repay it?
They waived it, forgave the debt, but then they said I owed them, said I had
to do things: stock fraud, illegal exports.
Kathy, you can t into a lot of trouble.
They keep asking for more. They even have my mother. If I don't do what they
say...
Which is?
They need something from a safe-deposit box.
A bank job? How do they expect you to do that?
They don't. They want me to organize it. I thought, maybe you being a security
expert, maybe you'd know someone who could... forget it. I'm sorry. I can't
ask you to help me break into a bank.
Hey, I can't help you. I'm going to do it for you.
[ beeping ]
[ blowing ]
[ beeping ]
[ exploding ]
Mac.
What did I always say about this guy? Once a thief...
What the hell are you doing here, huh?
I am opening up a savings account. What are you doing here?
You're a liar.
[ gunshots ]
Sorry to interrupt, people... but I will just be a second. Drop it.
Ok, who is she?
Evidently, not who I thought she was.
Another tsingtao for James Bond.
Leave him alone. He feels bad enough.
Don't worry about it, big fellow. We all think with our pants sometimes.
That's not why he did it.
Really? What else would it be?
Actually, I'd like to know, too.
When you're raised by a crime family, loyalty is everything. When we broke
from the Tangs, at least we had each other.
Yeah, I know. So?
So when the Director fired him, he needed to be loyal to somebody, to have
someone believe in him.
Good choice, too, man, 'cause she can sell the disk to the Chinese.
So?
The disk is a list of people who helped dissidents out of China after
Tienanmen square, including the Tang family.
Yeah, not even the Tangs can stand up to the Chinese government.
Many people will die if that woman sells that disk.
Kathy wouldn't do that.
I would say that she's done it.
No way. She's not the seller. I mean, she may be a thief. She's not evil.
Do you think she's going to frame it?
No, she's obviously working for somebody. She's going to give it to them. I'll
find it.
We'll go with you.
No, I screwed this up; I'll fix it. Plus I don't want her to get hurt.
Well, that's crazy.
That's loyalty.
General Hen? Thermo Rakis. I have a list from Wei Sheng. Does that name ring a
bell? Ooh, I thought it would. Ow! Well, it's up for grabs. A million-five.
You're my first call, but you gotta know, the people who helped the dissidents
are trying to buy it back, and they have some pretty deep pockets. So-- oh,
well, cool. How soon can you send someone by?
[ revolver clicking ] We should talk.
Gee, Mac, sure. So, what did you want to talk about? Go ahead, do it, shoot
me.
Actually, it's not loaded.
I know -- I would have killed you when I had it.
You've been lying about everything, haven't you?
Well, what the hell have you been doing? You are not from montreal.
Well, cha -- I'm from the Leung family in Singapore.
Really? I'm from the Tangs, Hong Kong. What are you doing here?
I'm on loan to some gwai lo. It's got a little thin. Want to get away.
You know what's on that disk, Kathy? People, people that are going to get
killed because of you.
Stop. My mascara will run.
These aren't criminals, Kathy. These are, these are people who helped out
heroes, people who were at Tienanmen.
What do you care? You're just a thief like me.
No, I'm not. I got out. I quit.
Nobody quits their family.
I did.
How?
By losing everything. Tangs taught me loyalty, and I was loyal to you tonight.
Ok, I said that you wouldn't sell that disk if you knew what was on it. Now
you know. So tell me where it is. That's all you got to do.
I can't. I'd be breaking the code. I could never go back again.
That would be the point, wouldn't it?
The disk is in a safe.
The locks are digitally encrypted.
So, if they're encrypted, how do we break them?
You don't. The computer breaks the code.
Allow me.
This place is probably wired for sound, so don't make any noise.
[ beeping ]
Turn that thing off!
Oh, yeah. Give it a second. It's almost done.
Just keep it quiet.
[ laughing ] A voila.
Whew.
[ rumbling ]
[ machine-gun fire ]
Ok, hi, good evening. We'll try to make this quick -- I believe you already
know Miss Kathy Chao. Now, Kathy told me that you'd be coming tonight. Now all
she's gotta do is collect your disk, and we'll be ready for the next step.
I don't think so.
You don't get to think at all. Your family sent you here to work for me.
I know. That's why I told you about this. Now I'm through with the family.
You're back in Singapore in a FedEx pouch if you don't get me that disk right
now!
Get it yourself.
Do it, or I pull the trigger.
I got one.
I got the other.
I've got both.
Now, come on!
Can't you guys leave anything for me?
[ gunshot ]
You must all be very proud of the loyalty you showed one another.
Just call us old-fashioned.
One big happy family.
Of course, Mac did abandon you. And he did sleep with the enemy.
No, I did not sleep with her.
Then you're a chump. And before the case was over, all of you had guns at each
other's heads.
Ok, so where's your loyalty? You're the one who fired mac.
I did no such thing. I merely sent him on his own part of the case. Kathy Chao
is on our permanent surveillance list. With that disk at large, she was a
likely player. Add her addiction to well-muscled men, and Mac was a natural.
Of course, he would never have responded to her with Li Ann around, so I had
to divide you.
You dropped her menu in front of me.
And you fell for it.
So you, you were manipulating us the whole time.
Should this day be different from any other? Anyway, you're all still alive,
and more importantly than that, the mission is accomplished. So, class
dismissed. You've earned a break,
Good.
Great.
Except for Mr. Ramsey.
Teacher's pet.
My tall, well-muscled agent was very bad to me. and he's still on probation.
And I was hoping you'd want to kiss and make up... [ beeping ] Damn, more
trouble in bolivia. You're hired, by the way. Full salary, your choice of car.
Great.
However, you were extremely insubordinate to me. It will be agent Dobrinsky in
charge of punishment. Ta-ta.
Hello, ace.
No job satisfaction, none at all.
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