John Woo's Once A Thief
Episode 13: Mama's Boys
I should maybe warn you, Mac. My family is kind of in a time warp.
It's perfect for you. No occlusions or bubbles. No colour. It's flawless.
Oh. I'm flawed.
[singing] Hey, hey, what do you say? Donny and Danny are here!
Ok, ring-a-ding, ding, don't do a thing, and you've got nothing to fear Don't
try to stop us, now, you don't know how...much we dig you all so won't you
kindly turn and face the... wall, yeah!
[ screaming ]
Put the gun down -- now. Now. Now. Ok, anybody else try anything hinky and the
chick gets it. Swing easy, my friend.
Groovy. Bup, bup. [ humming ]
[ gunshot ]
Thank you very much, everybody. You've been a swell audience. Please drive
carefully on your way home, and hey, use a car.
Don't.
Action!
No, no, no, I'm telling you, man, she...she was...
Oh, a goddess?
It's more than that, it was--
...love at first sight?
No, it was more than that. When that guy took her hostage, I, I felt like...
...the total wienie that you are?
More than that. I felt like you.
Oh, you got me. that hurt. That was a good one.
Why even try to have mature conversations with you?
This is a mature conversation?
It's an attempt at a mature-- oh, god. Ok, go ahead, let me have it.
A rash of jewellery store robberies begins in Ottawa, and then suddenly stops.
One of the thieves turns up dead, probably at the hands of his partner in
crime, but the cops don't have a clue. A month later, the scene suddenly
shifts to here, only this time it's with a totally different team, one with
some...bizarre rat-pack obsession. I think, "let's assume there's a
connection," so I send Mac to stake out a likely area, and to my amazement and
delight, he actually finds them. And then he lets them get away.
There were customers. They had a hostage.
Oh, you've suddenly discovered caution.
No, it's not caution, it's... [singing] true-ue love
Oh, what, again? The hostage?
Will you stop? I'm sorry, ok, I don't know, maybe it was the rat-pack thing. I
mean...they sang.
Put it out of your mind, Mr. Ramsay. I've got a new assignment for the team.
Well, wait, I have to find out what happened to her.
We do not care. Now, where the hell is Li Ann? You're late. Another for the
book. This is a list of grievances that I've been keeping on all of you. 47
breaches of agency guidelines in the last quarter. Among them, tardiness, lax
surveillance technique, improper processing of evidence. You people need to be
reminded that you are merely the end users of this agency's resources. So
you're going to spend a week becoming reacquainted with our people behind the
scenes. People who piece together your case backgrounds for you.
Grunt work.
Oh, no, let's not call it grunt work. Let's call it agency appreciation week,
shall we? First up, post mortem examinations.
This post mortem is reminiscent of Cavendish, Vermont. 1868. The building of
the Ruttland and Burlington railway and one Phineas P. Gage. Now, Phineas was
a perfectly healthy young man in his 20s, and a blaster.
You mean explosives?
I do. Phineas was the victim of a cranial penetration which was caused by a
premature explosion which sent a 3-foot, 7-inch tamping rod--
Prober.
If you insist. ...into the left side of Phineas's face. And now I quote from
his physician, Dr. J.M. Harlow. "The missile entered immediately anterior to
the angle of the lower jaw and departing obliquely upward and obliquely
backward, emerged in the coronal suture."
A lethal pathway I have intimate knowledge of.
Ah, yes, but Mr. Gage survived.
Survived? I must remember to recalibrate my instruments.
Excuse me, guys. Sorry to break up your party. Can we get to the point?
We've already arrived at the point, my dear boy. It appears to have slipped
you by.
By all appearances, the dearly departed jewel thief you see before you passed
on in a truly Gageian way. A large, pointy thing, right through the old
noggin.
This is the guy from the Ottawa robberies? He's been dead for a month.
And in the ground most of that time.
Oh, god.
Although cause of death is known, further examination will be necessary to
ascertain the details. By the by, how did the brave blaster Gage fare
thereafter?
Not so terribly. He hemorrhaged profusely, of course, and underwent an amusing
personality change from a pleasant and charming young man to a brutish ogre.
Surely there are few things more fantastical than brain trauma. Stuff of
wonder.
Every now and then, you need new faces. New morons you can manipulate. If it's
any consolation, you and your partner did a fine job for me in Ottawa, and I'm
grateful. But the time has come to... end our association. Be still now. Be
still forever.
I'm guessing you're not the damsel in distress I thought you were.
I told you I was flawed.
Hi, I'm Mac. It's really nice to meet you.
Angie Rivers.
Angie...the jewel thief.
What makes you say that?
Takes one to know one.
Forgive me for staring. I was just--
Staring?
No, not staring, I mean, I wasn't staring at you--
I was staring at you.
Yeah, I noticed, and I... didn't really mind.
Should we...maybe go someplace and talk?
How about my place?
You know, I think that those are four of my favourite words.
Ha, uh... I should maybe warn you, Mac. My family is kind of in a time warp.
Danny?
Yes, mom?
Come in here, sugar.
Yes, mom?
Hey, baby. Fetch my pills, will you? They're on the fridge. Which ones are my
trankies?
Do you really think you need those, mom?
Oh, honey, as much as I love you crazy kids, sometimes I need a little help to
keep me happy. Find me the little turquoise ones, will you, honey? Hmm.
I'm home!
Angie, that you, princess?
Yeah. I have company. Everybody... this is Mac. Mac, these are my brothers,
Donny and Danny, and our Mom -- Mom.
Edie.
He's just like us -- a jewel thief.
Is that so? Well, can I fix you a drink?
Uh... not right now?
Tell me, Jackie, what do you think about...discipline?
It's ok.
You know, Jackie, some people actually crave discipline.
Ha, crave? Like, that is so wacky. Like, Dr. Freud to emergency.
You see, I find that... if I go too long without meting out discipline to my
underlings, I get twitchy. You could help me.
How?
Mac -- he's been a bad boy.
Like this is a shock? I mean, he's such a wolf.
Mm-hmm, well, he has strayed from the pack. And I want to know why. Do
anything to find out. Anything at all.
Have you gone completely nutty?
He'd be a great addition. He is an international jewel thief, after all.
What is Mr. Smith going to say about this?
I couldn't give two hoots.
And the last two heists were the, uh, Jade Cormorant in Hong Kong and the
Tuesday Ruby in London.
Those were a couple of years ago.
What have you done lately?
Lived the good life.
And look, he still managed to keep his figure.
Ha, ha, oh, my god. Heh, heh. Say, red beverages.
Tutti-frutti, anyone?
Oh, Angie!
It's ok. I mean, with this outfit, who's going to notice, right? Let me
rephrase that.
[ screaming ]
It was a joke, ok? It just came out. I love what your mom's wearing. It's,
it's very hot. Let me rephrase that, uh... cutting edge of fashion. Love it.
It was my fault.
We must fight to the death.
To the what?
Danny, stop it.
Nobody dishonours our mother and lives.
Overreacting just a little bit there. Oh, is he serious?
Sorry, mom.
[ screaming ]
[ laughing ]
Told you he'd be something.
Look out, Mackie's back in town. You aced mid-terms, man.
What?
It was just a test, Mac. You're part of the gang now.
Can I get you that drink now, Mac?
[ laughing ]
[ phone ringing ]
Hey, kids, take mac down to the rumpus room. We'll celebrate.
Ok. Come on, this way.
Right, I'm hep. Ok.
Hello? The usual time? That's fine.
Well, Mac's been gone the better part of the day.
It's been the better part of the day, too.
You know, it's amazing you two can work together.
We're paid to.
So is there anything about this job that you do like?
I don't have to get dressed up for work. That's pretty good.
Seriously, I mean something, anything else?
Well, I guess saving the world day after day has its moments, but...no.
You worry me.
Mac was right.
Now you really worry me. What?
Well, it's just if I had any sense at all, I would do what he's doing, you
know? Get out of this madhouse for a while, relieve some strain. Do something
normal for a change.
[ music ]
Yeah!
Well, that's our demo record.
Swingin' sounds, cats, some hep.
How about that drink, Mac?
Uh, no, thank you.
It's not like we're a band. It's just a fun thing Mom thought of.
Yeah, like fun.
Did I mention I was adopted?
You too?
If my kids wanted to, they'd be the next "in" thing.
Hey, want to see our robot?
Robot?
Oh, Donny, that thing never works.
How many other families have a robot, Angie? It makes us unique.
It would be cool if we had jet packs, too.
Why do we always have to be so unique?
Ooh, or a hovercraft.
[ whirring ]
Because it's fun -- it's what makes the rivers family such a great family.
Uh-oh. Oh! Come on!
[ zapping ]
Mom, we're not unique. We're weird. I mean, why can't we just be normal
sometimes? I could have normal parties. I could have normal friends. I could
have friends.
Princess, this isn't the time.
Ugh! Eeh! Ah!
Donny, turn that stupid robot off!
Not sure I can.
[ yo-yo-yo ]
Turn it off!
[ coughing ]
I think the gyroscope needs work.
Can I fix you a drink? Well, I'd like a drink.
There you are. Don't, don't cry... kitty.
I'm sorry, Mac. I love them and everything, but they're just so...odd. [
sighing ] I wanted you to like us, but you must think we're nuts.
No! No, no, not at all. I am having a... really great time.
Really. You like me?
Like you? Why do you think I'm here? I mean, and your family's not so bad. I
mean, they seem to have a hell of a good time. And what's wrong with that? I
miss having a family. You know, even if it's a weird one. E-especially if it's
a weird one.
You don't have a family? What happened?
Uh, we kind of had a little falling out. Actually, dad's so mad he could kill
me.
Hey, we can be your family. I mean, I don't know how good an idea that is,
considering how loopy we are and the fact that we're jewel thieves, but you
know, now that I think about it, we are kind of fun, I guess.
Yeah, been a long time since I've had fun.
Ah, here's something.
What?
Huh?
Uh, Interpol. Some files that match up with your stiff jewel thief -- there
were similar murders in London and Paris last year. [ coughing ] Not long
after a series of jewel robberies in both cities. [ wheezing ] [ wheezing ]
Vic...Vic, can we talk? She's one of them.
One of who?
The bug creatures.
The bug...
You know about them, right? What am I saying? Of course you know about them.
You're on the supreme council.
Well, we... you know, I mean, we've heard stories at the... council.
You know where they come from?
Hmm? Alpha centauri?
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
Sask--
They've dwelled near the centre of the earth for 573,000 years. Then last
january they came to the surface. The 30th, I think.
In Saskatoon?
North Dakota. They prefer Saskatoon -- they thrive on saskatoon berries. And
potash.
What makes you think that Li Ann's a...bug creature?
She buzzes.
Buzzes?
Yeah, if you stand right next to her, you can hear it, kind of...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So, Mac, what do you think about knocking over the Dominion museum?
Security's pretty tight there with the Crosby diamond.
Mom, that's supposed to be my foot on the yellow dot.
That's my dot, princess.
We may need a bigger team than we have to pull it off.
I moved my foot to scratch it, and you put your foot there.
Are you accusing me of cheating?
Mom.
You don't think the four of us could pull it off, Mac?
We may need a little more muscle.
Extra muscle sounds good to me.
Mom!
Spin the dial, Danny.
Uh...right foot on red.
It would be such a cool caper.
Well, don't worry. I know where to get the muscle.
We need a really tough guy.
Don't worry. He's psycho.
Does he have a jet pack?
No, or a hovercraft, unfortunately.
[ doorbell ringing ]
It's Mr. Smith.
Good. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night.
So are we.
I'm sure you'll work your usual magic.
[ sighing ]
[ groaning ]
Working late, victor?
Please don't tell me you're wearing pyjamas.
I don't wear pyjamas, Vic.
You know, I sure hope this isn't a what, a time of discovery for you.
So, you know the jewellery store hostage?
Yeah, the goddess. Why?
Turns out she was part of the scam.
The director said to lay off.
Stay with me here. Name's Angie -- I see her walking around on the streets
today like nothing happened.
So I go up and I charm her in my usual elegant fashion.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gang's one big happy family called the Rivers.
Great, good. You found them. You're a hero. Take it to the Director. And stay
out of my bed.
Can't take it to the Director.
Then at least get out of my bed. Please.
[ yawning ]
Thank you. Why can't you go to her?
Well, I don't have enough. See, there's this guy, Mr. Smith. Now, he's working
the family. I don't know exactly how or why. And until I find that out, I'm
not going anywhere near the agency. Problem is that I've got to do another
caper with the Rivers. Don't really have that much confidence in them, Vic.
What, meaning you have confidence in me?
Meaning at least you don't think it's 1962.
Yeah, true. So?
Crosby diamond, Dominion museum. Tomorrow night. I'll get you in the gang,
huh? We'll steal the diamond, find out who this Smith character is, what he
wants. It'll be fun.
And by helping you, I just happen to get you off the hook with the Director.
That's a minor detail, Vic. I mean...
Minor detail, yeah, ok. Oh, you are going to owe me so big, buddy boy. I can't
even tell you.
Yes, you're in.
Well, what the hell. Maybe we'll get lucky and get ourselves fired.
So where are my two favourite male employees?
Well, Mac went to Vic to try to talk him into pulling off a caper.
A caper? That's a word I haven't heard in years.
Yeah, the Crosby diamond. Like, major carats. And Mac's got himself in with
this, like, really weird family of jewel thieves called Rivers.
The Rivers family? [ chuckling ]
Oh, and he also mentioned some guy, um, named Mr. Smith.
[ music ]
No, you're not gonna do it. No. Ohhhh! Low...low...low...low--
[ doorbell ringing ]
[ gasping ]
Hey, baby.
Hi.
Oh, man.
Hey, ho.
Kitten, say hello to Vic Coda, swingingest b-and-e cat I know.
Hi, Mr. Coda.
Vic.
Hiya, pal. Hey -- say, looks like you kids like to limbo.
Yeah. You?
Nope.
Oh.
Welcome to the family. Can I fix you a drink before we go over the caper?
Maybe later. You must be Edie. Mac here has told me about you and your brood.
You're quite the atomic family.
How nice. Please, have a seat, Vic. Ring-a-ding-ding. Can I get you a drink?
Oops, I just asked you that, didn't I? Silly me. Trankies haven't kicked in
yet. Mac, drink?
How abouts we talk caper first? Once that's done, there's time to swing easy.
Swing who?
We've got it all worked out. Angie, go get the plans.
Sure, Mom.
So, Vic, tell us about yourself.
Hey-hey, want to see us limbo again, Vic, huh?
Donny, don't interrupt.
Want to see our robot?
Danny!
Easy. Easy. Like I say... like I always say... if there's a robot, let's see
it.
Uh, Vic, it's kind of busted.
Edie and the late Reeve Rivers.
Reeve and Edie.
That's back in the days when they used to work for an international crime
syndicate known as DREAD, which was an acronym for, uh... I don't know,
something really stupid.
I never studied DREAD.
Well, it was headquartered in Stockholm, led by a delusional lunatic known
only as F, for no apparent reason because his name was Ewald Lammerding.
Lammerding never realized that James Bond and the man from U.N.C.L.E. were,
uh, works of fiction. He died in a freak swivel chair accident. DREAD died
with him.
What happened to Reeve and Edie?
Reeve died in prison. Edie became a real estate agent.
So why is Edie back in the game?
Maybe she was just laying low until her kids could learn a new trade. She was
only ever a freelance thief. Never really called the shots. But I'm guessing
that it's Mr. Smith who's behind the curtain. So back to the stacks for you
two.
Um... us two?
Yes, girls. It's time to bond.
While we're... bonding, what happens to Mac and Vic?
Never you mind, young lady.
So, Jackie. Are you a spy for the director?
I just do what I'm told. Unlike some people.
So you wouldn't hesitate to stab us in the back, would you?
I'm just kind of like protecting you from yourselves, you know?
Sweetheart, I'd look out for yourself if I were you. 'Cause you might
experience a hard fall off those high heels.
Is that a threat?
No, I'm just protecting you from yourself.
Well, you know, I know one easy way to settle this.
And I suggest that if either one of you harbours any hope of ever getting out
of here again, you learn to work together.
I might have something here. New Interpol files... description of the suspect
in the London and Paris jewel thief murders is named Alistair Smith, and guess
where he lives. Uh, that would be here.
Hurry up, man. Two minutes before the security team arrives.
Rat-tat-tat-tat.
[ squeaking ]
Don't you just love that sound?
Hurry.
Come on, baby, come on. Come on.
Hey!
Vic!
Swing easy, brother.
Let's ankle.
This sort of chafes.
Hey, wait, we forgot Mac. What the hell is this?
Just an old headlight.
Yeah, but it looks like a laser.
All right, move. We'll catch up to you. [ sighing ] I know I'm going to regret
this.
[ groaning ]
[ laughing ]
Sweet!
You were great.
You were both great.
Just the best.
And the coolest.
Ahhh. Here we are.
Ohhh!
Oh, that's some nice ice, man.
Tricky.
Ice.
Well, who wants some tutti-frutti?
I'm in.
And you morons never stop to think what the odds are of two jewel thieves
dropping into your lap.
I'll take that trankie, Edie.
Give me the diamond.
Mr. Smith, what are you doing? Vic and Mac helped us. We wouldn't have the
diamond without their help.
The diamond, please, Edie. Now I suggest we find out just who these two really
are. Bring them.
Hey, enough of the light, all right?
Who are you?
I'm a little teacup.
I am Zoltan, Defender of the Universe.
Damn, why didn't I say that?
Well, you're not Zoltan.
That's true.
No sense of humour, huh?
None.
By your bravado, I'd say you're either highly trained professionals or amateur
comedians.
You know, I think that this place could use a table lamp or two. You know,
something to warm the place up a little bit.
Uh...throw cushions.
Something comfy.
Yeah, comfy.
Comfy.
Body bags are comfy.
Wretch.
Hey, Vic, he could open for us in Vegas.
Yeah, yeah, want to?
Why are you ripping off the Rivers?
I'm doing nothing of the kind. We have an agreement. They do the jobs, and I
kick back a percentage of their earnings.
Sounds familiar.
Really -- where does the rest of the money go? Your pocket?
I have no interest in amassing a fortune. I have a sworn duty to a cause.
Please don't ask me what that cause is.
What is it?
They weren't part of our deal, Edie. You can't make executive decisions
without consulting me first.
But they're so nice, Mr. Smith. They were only trying to help.
Please don't hurt them.
Take the ladies away. Your mother has made a serious error in judgment, boys.
I'd like you to make it up to me. These men are not what they claim to be.
They're a threat to everything we've worked for. Deal with it, or I deal with
your mother and sister.
Uh, you know, we can help get him out of your lives.
He said he'll kill our mom if we don't kill you.
We like you guys, but we like our mom better.
Yeah. Sorry.
It turns out, Alistair Smith is a bureaucrat for external affairs. And on the
side, he's bankrolling the Quadico rebels. They're Mexican terrorists who
shoot at tourists.
So, what good does that do us?
Well, he's also part of a consortium that recently purchased the Lakeshore
brewery. Deal with it, ladies. Together.
My asking price is astronomical. As I promised, general, if you were patient,
one day our alliance would pay off. Oh, I expect you'll be able to buy as many
tanks as you want. Yes, I know you like tanks, general. Well?
They're dead.
Sorry I had to make you do that, boys. I know you liked them.
That's ok.
And now the time has come to end our association.
End it?
You didn't think it could go on, now did you? In my line of work, it's
extremely dangerous to go the well too often. Eventually, they'll be waiting
at the well. So every now and then, you need new faces, new morons you can
manipulate.
Aren't you going to rebuild DREAD like you promised? Mom said you promised.
As I said, morons who will begin to ask questions. Can't have it.
But what was all this about, then?
Free Trade is a conspiracy by the elite to drive the poor and powerless to
extinction. Speaking of putting an end to things.
Mom. What's going on?
He lied to us, Danny. And now he's going to kill us.
What the hell. Just shoot them. Wait a minute. What did you do with the guns I
provided?
[ pipe bursting ]
So, Angie seems like a nice girl.
Yeah, and her mom likes you, too.
Excuse me.
That is the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.
We can double date.
Hey, enough already.
No sense of humour.
No, none at all.
[ screaming ]
Angie!
Stay back. You know I have to kill her, Edie.
Like, hi.
Who are you?
I'm Jackie.
What are you doing here?
Just, uh, waiting... for a friend... you left that a little late, didn't you?
So shoot me. Thanks.
Don't get used to it.
Are you ok?
Just shaken, I guess.
I have some trankies, baby.
That's ok, mom. So, who are you, anyway?
Uh, actually, that might take a little explaining.
I got time if you do.
Hey, everybody, this calls for a victory party. And the tutti-frutti's on me.
[ cheering ]
Yeah.
Oh, were you sleeping?
What are you doing here?
You didn't think I was going to wait until tomorrow to mete out your
punishment, did you?
Go ahead, fire me, please.
What? And make your day?
What are you going to do?
Mmmm, any number of things.
Uh, is this my punishment? You're being nice to me.
No. You'll know when the punishment starts.
Uh, so about the Rivers family... you're not going to lock them up, are you? I
mean, they were being used. Really, they're harmless.
No, I don't-- I mean, we got the diamond back, and, um, most of the jewellery
that they stole. No harm, no foul. I let them off with a few harsh words.
And, uh, and, and Vic. He, he probably deserves something, right? He didn't
have to go with me.
Oh, that is such a brotherly thought. Vic is being disciplined even as we
speak.
So how do you intend to punish me exactly?
Right now.
Yeah.
By leaving.
Vic, are you in?
Ok, Donny, right foot on three.
You know, Vic, I think you're just the most.
Ok, everyone, it's tutti-frutti time! (
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