John Woo's Once A Thief
Episode 14: Li Ann's Choice
Simon heeded his heart and headed for home. Years of starvation and years of people laughing at me, but it came to me at last.
To me, Dr. O'Billovich, falls possession of the Star of Dionysus. I have it in my hands at last. But you, you would take it from me. This is what happens to all transgressors. [ laughing ]
This is not good.
In fact it's pretty bad.
[ laughing] You should never have been so foolish as to challenge me in the vastness of my rooftop lair.
I think in future we should avoid the rooftop lair.
Yeah, I know. Add that to the manual, all right?
Give yourself up. Well, it was worth a shot.
Well... I'll leave you gentlemen to drop to your doom. This is the culmination of a lifetime of struggle.
Hold on, Mac.
Yeah, yeah, that's great. It's all right, take your time. I'll just hang out over here.
Give me your hand.
Go back.
Give me your hand.
Mac.
Come on.
[ Mac ]: nice choice.
Action!
Look, look, look, I thought Vic was going to fall any second.
It was a television antenna. It had been there for 50 years, whereas the life expectancy of a burning rope... what is it? Oh, yeah, 49 seconds.
You're saying I made the wrong call.
No, I'm saying I don't know exactly what procedural manual you we looking at, ok?
I was closer to Vic. I mean-- I was nearer, more proximate. That's what I was going to say. Do you have any thoughts on this?
You did what you did.
Do you have any though that are actually helpful?
Oh, dear. Could cut it with a knife. Do I detect a certain emotional residue resulting from the incident with Dr. O'Billovich?
Nope
Oh give it up, Mac. I read the report.
Hey, I'm just not so sure Li Ann was thinking with her head, ok? It seemed to me she was thinking a bit more with her, uh... heart.
I dare say that might be true.
They were both in danger. I had to make a judgment call.
Vic was in danger. I was in peril.
Oh, this is one of the drawbacks of the trio structure. Of course, now the solution would be to discard the to structure, which is convenient, because I happen to have an assignment requiring only a couple of men, or, lacking them, Vic and Mac. This is the York family, dealers in illegal arms and munitions. If it's deadly, these guys can get it for you. This is Harry O'Boyle. Harry's decided to come in from the cold.
You... my good woman, are where lecherous though go to die of happiness.
Harry, if you could refocus your thoughts for us. You were giving us some background information about the York family.
Oh, yes, yeah. The business was started years ago by Simon York. He was a gun runner and a rum smuggler. He used to run rum across that lake in a wooden boat through rain, fog, and storms that would sink a liner. Now, there was a man.
[ Harry ]: Simon passed away four years ago. Now the organization is controlled by his sons, Ed, Fred, and Ned. Ne'er do-wells and come-to-naughts, everyone of them. There's Eddie, the youngest. He's got his father's strength, but nothing else. He's an addle-sated, gormless thug. Thick as paste.
Um, beer. Ok, why don't these guns set off the metal detector
[ harry ]: There's Freddie. He's vicious, but likewise stupid. Couldn't empty sand out of his shoe if the directions were printed on the sole.
Two beers. Even I know that. It's because these guns aren't made out of metal. They're made out of fibre or something.
Then there's Ned. He's weak and cowardly, but he's not stupid. Ned is mostly airs and affectations. Larky-lark all. Always drinking expensive wines.
I think today the Chateau de Berge, 1945.
Um, does it have a little dog on the label?
Yes. technically, I, uh, I think it's a lion, but you know best how to organize your cellar.
Ok, boss.
All right, let's see if I can't uncloud your brains. The guns can't be detected by a metal detector, Eddie, because, as Freddie so astutely pointed out, they're not made out of metal. They're made out of carbon fibre.
That's ginchy.
Ginchy it is, Eddie. And we are receiving a shipment of these guns. I'll get Harry's key, put it with this one, and we shall take $1 million from daddy's safe and turn it to 100 million.
That is ginchy.
What?
Look, I think it's a dog.
Just... pour it you moron. Hmm. I'd have to say this wine is just a little off. [ gurgling ]
[ Li Ann ]: And who are you, Mr. O'Boyle?
I am, or was, in charge of capital and inventory for the York family. I'm an over-aged, glorified stock boy.
So why are you helping us take them down?
I was be friends with Simon York. And doesn't a day go by but I don't take a small drink in his memory. But his sons are brainless poltroons, and they don't deserve to inherit his kingdom. I'd sooner his kingdom was destroyed.
Harry is testifying before a social inquiry that convenes in five days. For those five days, Mac and Vic, he'll be in your care.
Oh, boy.
Now, that sounds like excitement on a stick.
Well, it might be, because I suspect once the York brothers find out that he's missing, they're going to come looking for Harry.
Is there anything that I should do?
Take some time off? Think about the choice you made, Li Ann. I think it's important for you to understand why you made it.
That's absolutely unnecessary.
Li Ann, you're not needed. Take a holiday.
Where do you think you're going?
Not bad, thanks. How was your weekend?
We have time off. The Director only needs the guys.
No, you got time off.
The Director's got something up with me, some assignment or something, I don't know.
So you have any idea what just happened?
No. No idea. You?
No. I'm in shock.
Yeah. It's like he was alive one minute and dead the next.
Where are you going, Eddie?
I gotta get my mind off this. I'm going to the gym.
Maybe I should hang onto the key.
I think I'll keep it.
But you're going to the gym.
I said I'm keeping the key.
Why won't you let me have one key? I can't open daddy's safe--
I'm keeping the friggin' key!
Ok I think we should retire to a little nook in order to formulate strategy.
Heads.
Tails.
Damn. We go to your house. I got to pick up some clothes and personal effects from my place.
The only guy I know who has personal effects.
I'd suggest a parlour entertainment of an ecdysiastic nature.
And we got to get some groceries, right?
What, at the grocery store?
Strippers, in short.
What's today, monday, right? At 7:30, pizza guy comes. Boom.
So cancel him.
Why?
Prepare to eat better food than you deserve. I've been taking cooking classes.
Go away from me.
Well, you read the memo last month, right? About stress relief? How all the agents were supposed to get a hobby? Well, lucky for you, I got one.
On the other hand, I do know of a-- it is always such a pleasure to be listened to by the younger generation
Nice outfit, Jackie. Really does great things for, um...all of you.
Well, I got it 1/3 off at Stinky's. You ever shop there?
No, but maybe we could go together some time.
That'd be cool.
Good. Let's call it a date
Uh, so what's up with Li Ann? I mean, like, she was really P.O.'d.
Was she? That's good to know. Now, Jackie, I need you to get close a target of mine.
Mmm, close like how?
His name is Eddie York. He works out at a place called Shecky's Olympus. You ever hear of it?
Yeah, that place is really hard-core.
I need you to get in there, get close to Eddie York. Think you can do that for me?
That's it. Come on, big guy, let's go. Almost there. Come on. Let's go. Come on. That's it. Come on, push it. Excellent. See, you're, like, wrecking your abs. That's why you're getting this overblown vastus medialis, right here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch it.
Come on. You gotta be further back on your heels. Here. Watch.
Ok, spot. Spot. Spot, you moron. Spot. Ah! Oh! Ow!
See?
Mm-hmm
Ok. Your turn, Mr. Dobrinksy.
Um, excuse me. What are you, you some kind of person trainer or something? What, is it that obvious? Hi. Jackie Janczyk.
She's the best in the business. Take a look at that. Keep that with me everywhere I go, just to remind myself how I looked four short months ago. She did it. You did it, Mr. Dobrinsky. You hauled the fight. I just point you down the road.
She can do it for you too.
Hey, buddy. Come on, look at me. Jackie Janczyk, what do you think?
Ok.
Ok?
Come on. We've bothered these nice people long enough.
Ok?
I can't believe you brought your own set of knives.
I told you before, they're not knives. They're culinary instruments.
Simon York, and here's to him. He was the finest man that ever ran contraband.
Where do you keep your marjoram?
I use butter.
No, marjoram. Velvet.
I thought we were making chicken.
We are making chicken--
His secret was...
Do you have any coriander seed?
What, it's not in the coriander seed cupboard?
Simon heeded his heart and headed for home.
Hello, Li Ann, and welcome to another instalment of the big hit game show "Choose the Door."
[ cheering ]
Choose the door?
Used to call it "Schrodinger's Cat," but it didn't take well -- nobody could say Schrodinger.
Who is Schrodinger?
The quantum physicist, of course. He proved that the cat in the box is both alive and dead at the same time, depending on what you choose.
I don't understand what you're talking about.
Of course you do. Doesn't she, audience?
[ cheering ]
However, for those of you who have never played our game before, here are the rules. If Li Ann chooses door number 1, this door, Victor will die. If she chooses this door, Mac will die.
How can I make that choice?
Could flip a coin.
Ok, I'll flip a coin.
This coin or that coin?
That one.
Heads or tails?
Heads. No, tails. I don't know.
Come on, audience. Which one should she choose?
Wait a minute. There's another door.
Of course, Li Ann. There's always a third door.
But Mustaphe, I thought we had a deal.
Yes, but it was based on the presumption that your rates were the most economical. I now know otherwise.
Oh, yeah? Well, tell me who you're dealing with.
Two men. They call themselves the Lancasters.
Lancasters. Never heard them. They're nothing. Now, you listen to me. There's only one shipment of fibre guns coming. And that shipment is being delivered to us, ok? Now, these Lancaster bozos, they simply don't have the goods they are claiming.
They claim otherwise. I bid you good day.
Uh, ah, is that Al di Capo? Huh? Whatever, go lien, Al, I understand that you are in the market for some carbon fibre guns. Huh? No, no, no, the Yorks don't have them. I got them. What? Proof? He wants proof.
Come on, Mr. York, max it out.
My liver is stuck to the roof of my mouth. Do you mind?
Well, you want inner and outer heads, you got to suffer.
It's true, you know. My Achilles heel is my calves.
Ok, rack it.
It was either that or die. You know, um, it says here in this magazine, it says that what women really like, you know, what they rely, really like is a dangerous men. So how about you?
How about me?
Do you like a dangerous man?
I don't know any dangerous men.
Oh, is that so?
I never met one I thought was dangerous. Not compared to me.
I think you have. You just maybe don't realize it yet.
Eddie.
What?
We have a situation.
Namely?
Harry. Nobody's seen him anywhere. And he's got the other key for the safe. He's either dead or he's up to something.
Well, then he'd better hope he's dead.
Nathan! Nathan!
Uh, up here.
I need some information.
We all need information.
I need information on organized crime.
Well, then, I'd refer you to books about the British monarchy.
Are you saying there's a connection between the British monarchy and organized crime?
Am I saying that or is that what you're hearing?
You're implying it.
Am I implying that or are you inferring that?
Am I hitting you in the face, or is your face colliding with my knuckles?
What kind of organized crime?
A syndicate of weapons dealers. The name is York.
Moment.
Hey, Harry, you like scrammbled eggs?
Indeed. Mind you, yesterday I would have claimed to like chicken.
Yeah, that recipe didn't work without marjoram
Couldn't we just order out?
No no, no. It's too risky.
Not compared to your food.
I mean it's too risky to expose Harry, even to a delivery guy.
I must go wash my euphemisms.
I live on the cusp of danger. I'm willing to order in.
Fine, but I'm not cleaning up the mess.
Yes, I've noticed.
There is a proven correlation between a big mess and tasty food.
Says who?
The great chefs. Do you have any saffron?
The York brothers inform me that you are not possessing these wondrous arms you peddle. They tell me there is but one shipment coming in, which they have ordered and intend to take possession of.
Eddie and Freddie are idiots.
Yeah, but Ronnie, they're right.
What, Ronnie?
They intend to take possession.
Right, they intend to. I'll tell you something, Mustaphe. They're not going to -- we are.
You do not have the weapons at this time and place? Then I must void our agreement. The York brothers, although foolish men, are at least an established quantity. You are not.
Oh, Mustaphe, you don't want to be saying that. You don't know who we are.
You are nothing. I bid you both good day.
Hey! I'm not nothin'.
Heed the heart. That's the lesson I learned from Simon York. Because Simon would pilot that little, wooden boat through a storm that screamed like a 1,000 kittens being gutted.
Oh...watch those similes, would you, Harry?
Simon would drive straight across that big lake like an arrow. He just heeded his heart -- headed for home.
Heed the heart. That's good advice.
What would you know about it?
Well, sometimes the brain's too smart for its own good and it gets into conflict and can't act. The heart knows what to do.
I, see. Ok, so, then you're saying that Li Ann was--
Who said anything about Li Ann?
Uh, is Li Ann that exotic beauty whose lips can affect weather systems?
Um... yeah.
Oh...
This is all about Li Ann.
You're obsessing about her. And the choice she made, hmm? And you're not concentrating, as usual, on the task at hand.
What the hell would you like me to concentrate on? We're sitting here eating heartburn on a plate while Harry yaks. There's nothing happening
[ doorbell ringing ]
What do you know? Something's happening.
I appreciate the professionalism, lads, I really do, but I think that's the delivery boy from Cum Ling. Fearing death by starvation, I took the liberty of ordering lunch for six.
You're not supposed to do that, Harry.
Call me a glutton.
Hi.
Hi.
Yeah, sorry about that, uh, we don't want any.
But...it's really good. Here -- smell.
Aaahhhh!!!
A most impressive display of bladework, sir.
That's a sexy move, there, Vic. Oh... doing more with those knives than cooking, huh?
Feels pretty good when you throw them.
I'm not tipping that guy.
The delivery boy was, of course, a well paid professional. Knows nothing.
Someone must have seen us go into that apartment.
The York brothers, you know, have eyes all across the city. Their father, Simon, forged a vast network of spies, allies. Somewhere along the line there has been sloppiness. You know how much I abhor sloppiness.
We were not sloppy.
Yeah, "we." Take a look at my kitchen.
The time has come for relocation. We're moving harry someplace else.
No... the Elephant Graveyard?
All right, so it's the worst motel in the world. It's also the safest place I know. And sloppy people fit in really nicely.
I have a thought. You might think that we might look a bit suspicious if we don't take a woman with us to a motel. A woman with a certain aura... like yourself, my lovely. You gentlemen may set me down anywhere. Ambulation was always one of my strong points.
Mac, I thought a lot about this.
Forget it. Ok? We were both in danger you chose to help Vic. That's your choice.
I didn't choose. I just acted. See, maybe I just thought that you could get out of the situation yourself.
Excuse me? You didn't think I could get out of the situation that I was in?
We've known each other since we were kids. It's like we think the same thoughts, we feel the same things, and you know that's true. So if I asked you, "Mac, what should I do in this situation?" you know what you would have said. Help Vic.
24... 25... 26 -- good job. 27 -- come on 28 -- let's go. 29 -- come on, last one. 30 -- rack it. Whoo! Good job, Edward. Those quads are, like, the size of Cleveland.
You know, it feels good to be nearing perfection.
Well...
Well, what?
Mmm, no, I don't like to say.
No. Say, say.
I've got one word for you.
Hmm?
Coracobrachialis.
That's only one word?
Not much blood flowing through here.
No, Jackie... no, there is -- lots of blood. And you know why? 'Cause that's near my heart. Come on, let's get back to it.
Good work, Eddie.
[ Harry ]: You know, that girl, that Li Ann, she was right. Heed the heart.
She never said heed the heart.
She's heard the heart's howl.
What conversation did you hear? You didn't converse.
You didn't listen.
What are you now, Mr. Sensitivity?
Heed the heart.
Shut up.
Don't tell the heart to shut up.
I'm not telling the heart. I'm telling you. Shut up, Harry.
You know, I have to admit, I admire this Simon York. I mean, he was an exciting guy. Good looking, too.
Ok. Never mind him, just.. read this book. It'll tell you everything -- the Kennedy assassination? That was the royal family. That noise in my apartment. That drip, drip, drip. The royal family. You got to help me bring them down.
Bring down the Queen of England? Yeah. Ok. But only if... you can get me more information... on the York family.
Why?
'Cause I got to do something to help, don't I? [ sighing ] Got to do something.
I miss him. I do miss Simon York. He was the finest brother-in-law a man could ever want. Always heed--
The heart -- yeah, we know, Harry.
...gastric rumblings. I must visit the small room. Uh, does one of you gents have to accompany me?
Nah, no, no, that's fine, Harry.
I shall return.
Good.
Say, uh, Jackie? How you spell your last name?
J.. A... N... -- why? What you got there?
Oh, I was just reading this article about crime dynasties. It says here that the Janczyk family was run by some chick with your name.... and your face... which means, you're not just some personal trainer that, quite frankly, I was starting to fall in love with.
Really? I mean, that's cool, you know 'cause, you know, I was starting to kind of check you out.
It means...that you're trying to get to me. You know what, Jackie? You just met your first dangerous guy.
Anyone for parcheesi? There's a quaint bar across the court.
Yeah, I know, Harry. You've mentioned that a few times.
It wouldn't hurt.
You know what I'd like--
Always heed the heart!
Oh, it's not always as simple as that.
All right, we go for an hour, that's it.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
An hour? Perfect.
Perfect?
A perfect length of time to spend in a tavern or a public house. I wouldn't want to risk intoxication.
No.
I don't know how she's done it, but I know she's done it. There's all this weird stuff going on. Three days ago, we're sitting on top of the world, now we got these Lancaster bozos, we got the biggest shipment of our lives coming in -- we can't even into daddy's safe. Yes?
I have the solution to at least one of our problems. I know where Harry is. And he has the other key.
Ok, you guys go guard the safe. You, you're coming with me. You are finally going to see this dangerous guy in action. First, I am going to whack Harry, and then...then, Jackie... well, it's not the end of the story that I would have written, but... I'm afraid it will be the end.
Ha, ha, what's that supposed to mean?
Oi... never mind. Let's get going. I'll bring the snitch.
He's setting you up, you know.
Don't talk to me, you... Jezebel.
Hello, Earth to Eddie. I mean, you are just so trusting -- which is a beautiful quality on its own, but in a business guy, I got to tell you, it sucks!
Don't talk to me like that.
Eddie, I think you're fine. Really, I do. I mean, I know about the killing and the guns and everything, but I see beyond that, ok? I don't want to see you get hurt. Now, this is how I see it. Ok, Fred whacked Ned. Now, you'd think the brother thing would slow him down, but hey, grab a clue, it didn't.
Shut up.
Ok, it your funeral. I'll be the one in black. You know, I thought I'd go low cut. I don't want to distract from you in your coffin, but I thought, the way you're checking me out, I thought low cut would be a cool tribute to you. What do you think? Good idea?
You see what I'm seeing?
I hope not.
Harry, order us a couple of drinks.
One scotch.
What are you doing here?
Guess you didn't read that memo about agents getting themselves a hobby. I play here every third tuesday. Helps keep me mellow.
Yeah, right, the director sent him 'cause she didn't think we could handle it.
What are you handling?
Do you know we're harbouring a valuable informant?
You're harbouring a valuable informant?
Yes.
No, I don't know that one. Can you hum a few bars?
Some vacation.
Pardon me?
The vacation you sent me on?
Oh, guilt doesn't take vacations. You've been investigating the case, haven't you? As I knew you would. What did you find out?
Well, I think I know who the Lancasters are. Pretenders to the throne. Like in Nathan's English history
Ok, come again.
Simon York had a house on either side of this lake. Here and over here, in a town called Oswego. How much do you want to bet that he had a family on either side, too?
Sure, given his good looks and, uh, lack of ethics-- my favourite combo, by the way.
And the Lancasters, his other family, figure they're the rightful heirs, hence the power grab.
Where does poor old drunken Harry fit into all this?
Look at the pins on his lapel. One month, three months, one year, five years. Do you know what those are? Attendance bars for an alcohol treatment program. He's pretending to be drunk.
So we wouldn't suspect him.
Uncle Harry's orchestrating this whole thing.
At the Elephant's Graveyard.
I'm driving.
[ Freddie ]: I didn't whack Ned. If I did whack Ned, then I would accuse you of whacking Ned 'cause then it would look like I didn't whack Ned. And since you keep accusing me of whacking Ned, I can only conclude that you whacked Ned.
[ Jackie ]: That makes sense... I mean, really...I
[ Eddie ]: But I didn't whack Ned! And you keep accusing me of whacking Ned, which makes me think that probably...
Huh...he was my brother.
You tried to whack me. I'm your brother.
Huh, I didn't try to kill you...yet.
You admit it.
Huh, admit what? How can you admit something that hasn't happened?
You admit wanting to kill me.
I have no motive.
When has that stopped you?
You have a motive. I have the key.
Give me the key and I won't have a motive
Yeah, but then you'll have the key.
Do you mind? This is a private family matter.
What's up, Harry? What's up, Victor is, in the parlance of my youth...the jig.
Hey, don't shoot the piano player.
Both carry standard issue weapons in side holsters. Victor carries a Smith and Wesson snub-nose in his right boot.
Victor.
Harry...well, it's just a little habit.
It's a bad habit, Victor.
Mac carries a P-10 strapped to his left leg.
Ooh, they're brutal.
You stinking piece a...
You steaming piece a.
Ahh, I got a gun.
Yeah? Now I got a gun.
I got two guns.
So do I.
Pff. Ahh...just what I've been waiting for.
I do regret that.
There are two corpses outside. One of them has key in his pocket. Be so kind as to fetch it for me.
Got it.
No one should try to escape, or sound the alarm, or anything foolish. At any rate, you've got a far greater problem. In these bags is sufficient explosives to raze this entire motel from the face of the planet -- for which I should be amply rewarded. Mm...thank you. You now have the two keys needed to open your father's safe. From now on, you're in charge of this operation. Make Simon York proud.
Hey, you never fooled me. you know, with the old drunk act.
I'm going to ignore you... much as you two have be ignoring me.
Where are you going, Uncle Harry?
I'm headed for St. Louis, and the soft arms of a woman named Emma. Always heed the heart.
Well, what about these guys?
Use the two of them as shields until you're safe, then dispose of them. I shouldn't have to tell you these things.
I know what to do, Uncle Harry.
Good -- then to all, I bid farewell.
Come on, let's go.
I can't believe we trusted Harry.
It's the accent. Makes him sound superior
Oh...
[ straining ]
What's going on, Mr. Dobrinski?
Those crackers left us a bag of goodies set to blow. Careful now.
Wow... this it?
That'd be it.
Wow, I never seen a bomb before.
Well, take a good look, 'cause you got about three seconds.
[ alarm clock ringing ]
I didn't know you knew anything about bombs.
I don't.
Oh, man, for a second there, I saw my whole life flash before my es.
Mine, too.
Really makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
It's like, you just totally go into this zone. Like...all of a sudden, you just notice every single detail. Like, you have really nice eyes.
You think so?
Yeah...you do.
So what do we do now?
We stop them.
I don't think so. You can stop one of us, the other one shoots your friend.
Yeah, which one's it going to be?
Not this again.
[ Director ] Which one should you choose?
There's always a third door.
Mmm...play it again, will you, Mr. Dobrinsky?
I don't think I remember it.
Aw, try, for me.
[ singing ]: I close my eyes and wonder
What you're doing tonight.
I wish that I could hold you
But that wouldn't make it right
It's not that I don't love you...
Oh, our Machiavellian Harry. You planned it all and you almost got away with it. You know, I shall almost miss you.
How did you catch him?
He fell for the oldest trick in the book.
And crikey, it was worth it, boys. If I had million lives to live, I'd get caught every time.
Hey, Vic, where you suppose Li Ann got off to, huh?
I sent her home. She had a big choice to make tonight. She learned something. I hope you all did.
I hate learning. Thanks.
The lesson is, there's always a third door.
What does that mean?
I'll just leave you to speculate about it.
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