Closed Captioning capture by: shadowy_agents@oocities.com
Names by: Cynia (cynia@hotmail.com)

Voiceover: Oh, my, yes. This world would be a much better place if more peoples from all
nations were to get together, don't you think?

Karen: At great personal risk, this reporter continues to investigate the random violent behaviour of
three vandals who call themselves droogs.  Is a new drug involved or a form of mind control?  If
so, what form and why?

Music:
     Tell automatic Slim
     Tell razor-totin' Jim
     Tell butcher-knife totin' Annie
     Tell fast-talkin' Fanny
     We gonna pet your ball
     Gonna move that union hall
     We gonna rock that joint till midnight
     We gonna fight that fight till daylight
     We gonna pet your wang dang doodle all night long
     All night long
     All night long
     All night long
     All night long
     We gonna pet your wang dang doodle all night long
Shirley: Mmm.
Rita: Crash.
Duncan: Bang.
Shirley: Oh, boom.
Rita: My fellow droogs, tonight we honour Fanny. Like that writer guy said, the first thing we do, Let's
        kill all the lawyers.

Bert: Of course Swellgreen knew the land was toxic before they built. But if these sprout-head
environmentalists are going to be that sloppy in court, we'll beat their Greenpeace asses every time.
[ gunshots ]
Shirley: Court has adjourned.
Bert: Shirley?
Shirley: Hello, Bert.
Bert: Shirley, you're so different.
Shirley: Well, of course I'm different! But you haven't changed a bit, Bert.
[ gunshots ]
 

Director: This is an internet magazine called 16.5 degrees that specializes in conspiracy theory. For the past
              month, it's run articles by a reporter known as Oswald, articles about three local vandals who've
              been on a spree of senseless violence. These vandals are calling themselves "droogs". They're very
              enthusiastic. Last night they attacked a law office. Nobody was killed, but that's hardly the point.
Victor: And what is the point?
Director: One of the assailants was Shirley Hecht, a secretary at the firm. She disappeared last month.
Victor: And she came back as a droog to smash up her old office?
Director: Good, Victor. Have a piece of fish. In this case there may be connections to anarchist groups in
              Germany. The droogs' whereabouts is unknown, as was Oswald's until this morning. Our
              computer geeks went on a midnight crawl past the e-zine security. Oswald's real name is Karen,
              Karen Ruby. We know what the droogs are doing. We just don't know why they're doing it. And
              since Karen Ruby is some kind of conspiracy buff who's just waiting for some shadowy
              government agency to pound on her door, go make her day. And dress to inspire paranoia, will you?

[ knocking ]
Karen: Yes?
Li Ann: Karen Ruby?
Mac: Top secrets division, NLH. Please open the door.
Karen: Can I see some identification?
Li Ann: Who have you been talking to?
Karen: About what?
Victor: You know what.
Karen: No, I don't.
Li Ann: Everything you know is wrong, except for what isn't.
Mac: And what isn't, is.
Karen: Who the hell are you? Top secret what? NHL?
Mac: Calm yourself, Miss Ruby. Don't take your love to town.
Karen: What?
Li Ann: Where are the droogs?
Karen: Oh, my god. How did you find me?
Victor: You found us.
Karen: I don't know where they are. I just write about them. You know, you have no right to come in here
            and harass me. it's...it's...it's harassment!
Mac: We're being polite. But we don't have to be.
Karen: You can't threaten me. I only met them once, at a sex club called Caligula. Wait a minute! Who are you people?

Li Ann: You couldn't get into Caligula. Don't tell me, neither of you are up to sex club standards.
Victor: Well, we tried, right, but we didn't have what it takes.
Mac: We need a woman.
Victor: Yeah, no woman, no access. No droogs.
Li Ann: No way. I don't do sex clubs.
Victor: What, you're fine with breaking and entering and shooting things, but here you draw the line?
Mac: It's not like we'd have sex.
Victor: Well, not you and her, anyway.
Mac: That would be her decision.
Li Ann: Aren't you guys a little off topic?
Director: As always, it's been an unalloyed delight, Dr. Fry.
Dr. Fry: This isn't over, not at all.
Mac: Hey, hey. Who's Mr. Happy?
Director: A bug I intend to squash, not that it's any of your concern. So... getting any lately?
Victor: Not exactly. The droogs hang out at a sex club called the Caligula, and we can't get in.
Mac: Because of Li Ann. Something to do with moral fibre.
Director: Well, I respect someone who has the courage to take moral stand.
Li Ann: Places like that are disgusting. People who go there have no self-respect.
Director: Well, I happen to be a founding member, so you don't mind if I take the boys in myself.
Li Ann: Maybe, uh... I should talk to Karen Ruby again, just in case you guys don't get lucky at the club.
Director: You're not going to go dressed like that on our big date, are you? Find something appropriate. Meet me in an hour.

[ beeping ]
Computer Voice: The droogs' behaviour is key. No moral boundaries, no sense of restraint, of what is right or wrong.
[ knocking ]
[ dial tone ]
Karen: What the hell was that Men In Black shakedown? Who are you? DND? CSIS?
Li Ann: None of the above. What do you know about the droogs?
Karen: All I know is that their story is important. They speak for the disenfranchised. They're a social phenomenon.
Li Ann: They're dangerous.
Karen: I don't judge them. It's not my job.
Li Ann: No, it's your job to further your career. Now, do you know who they are?
Karen: Better. I know who they used to be.

Victor: So..uh, do you... how often do you...ha, ha...
Director: Frequent this place?
Mac: Yup.
Director: Frequently. You look for Shirley in here. I'm going to check the other floors and the cave.
Mac: The cave?
Victor: There's other floors?
Director: Angelica. The gentlemen are new here. They'll stay on this floor. Please see to their satisfaction. Thank you. Emile's of
Amsterdam. It's one of a kind. Feel the stitching. It's quality work. Happy hunting, boys.
Victor: Well, you handled that like the sophisticated schoolboy you really are.
Mac: You stop shopping with your mom. Then we'll talk.
Woman: Hi.
Victor: Is it just me, or is-- oh, my. Is this place really creepy?
Mac: Creepy? This is a guy's paradise. And it's creepy as hell.
Victor: Hey, you recognize her? It's legal secretary Shirley.
Mac: You ladies mind if we join you?
Victor: Hey-- mm!
Mac: Is that a yes?

Mac: So, when we sobered up, we were out of the astronauts' program.
Shirley: So what do you do now?
Victor: Uh, we're spies.
Director: Look, boys, I found a toy. So, apparently, did you.
Duncan: You said you wanted fresh faces, girls.
Director: Anybody for champagne and a private room?
Mac: How did you know it was him?
Director: Attitude. Shall we?
Rita: Oh, my, yes. This world would be a much better place if more peoples from all nations were to get together, don't you
        think?
Director: Move fast. They're unpredictable.
Shirley: Do they look like astronauts to you?
Duncan: They do not.
Shirley: Then let's get 'em.
 

Li Ann: Hey, you guys. Heard you had a rough night.
Director: Ahem. You know, usually people take their own survival into account. These droogs apparently do not.
Li Ann: Which doesn't make sense, not for a housewife, a stockbroker and a legal secretary. Meet Rita Pratt, Duncan Crew...
            and our friend Shirley Hecht.
Director: Missing persons reports. Li Ann goes to the head of the class.
Mac: I guess there's something to be said for moral fibre after all.
Director: Ah, breakfast. Crawdads. Well? You know what to do.

Interviewer: Tell me about your husband, Mrs. Crew.
Mrs. Crew: Duncan loved his job. He was voted best commodities broker last year. He had a real feel for grain. Wheat was
                   his favourite.
Interviewer: His personality changed when?
Mrs. Crew: A month ago.
[cut to Mr. Pratt]
Mr. Pratt: Yeah, yeah, a month ago. The change was sudden. Rita used to be so kind. Every day when I'd come home she'd meet me at the door with my favourite beverage. But...then... it was like day and–
[cut to Mrs. Crew]
Mrs. Crew:  ...night. Duncan had always been so easygoing. Then he turned into this monster. It's like he'd become another--
[cut to Mr. Pratt]
Mr. Pratt: ...person. And that's what scared me. when I asked Rita what was happening, all she'd say was "they" wouldn't let
her tell me. Somebody did something to her. They took her away from me.

[ phone dialing ]
Computer Voice: Be careful. What you suspect is true. The droogs are a product. Their designers
know what they are. They know about the candy. They invented it. And they know about you.
Karen: Explain "candy". Who are the designers?
Computer Voice: They came to your apartment dressed in black. They are...
[ dial tone ]

Rita: Only 12 pills left. What are we gonna do? This is our last batch of candies.
Duncan: Well, I guess we're just going to have to ration the supply.
Shirley: Hmm. That should give us another few days. During this time, we determine the identity of those nasty people who
            tried to do us in last night.
Rita: Maybe they know the way to the candy store.
Shirley: I bet that Oswald chick told them where we were.
Rita: Fast-talking fanny has seen the light. And in the light, candy for one, candy for all.

Li Ann: Why would an anarchist group recruit people with families who would notice changes in their behaviour?
Victor: Everyone we talked to said that their changes were sudden and dramatic.
Mac: What the droogs do is too visible. Pointless too.
Director: Isn't that the point of anarchy?
Victor: I don't buy that they're anarchists. There's something else going on.
Director: Don't sweat the small stuff. Just find them. Bring them in.

Rita: You sent them after us. Who are they?
Karen: I don't know.
Rita: Uh-uh. Karen, no fibs!
Karen: They tried to kill me, ok?
Rita: Oh! So are we.
Duncan: Moo.
Shirley: All we want is the tag team that tried to hurt us. You see, we're running a little low on our after-dinner mints.
Karen: Candy?
Duncan: Beans, beans, beans, beans, beans. Red beans. Black beans. Lima beans, wax cut beans, pork and beans. Karen, I
             don't know why we let you hang around with us. Perhaps it's because you seduced us with the lure of fame.
Rita: Who are they, Karen?
Karen: I think it's something to do with the government. But, but probably the government doesn't even know about them.
Rita: Well, the plot thickens.
Karen: For sure they know, they know all about you. And I think they can get you more of that drug -- the candy.
Shirley: How's that?
Karen: I, um, I have an Internet source. I don't know who it is, ok, but he seems to know a lot. And he says that the people
           who attacked you last night work for whoever made the drug.
Rita: Well, we want to meet them. You're going to set it up. Can do?
Karen: One of them came back last night and she left me an e-mail address.
Rita: Then this is what we're going to do. You have some information -- our whereabouts, perhaps -- but after the incident last
        night, you're a little nervous. You want to meet her someplace safe. You tell her where, and we'll be there. Ha!

Li Ann: Ok, sound check. Can you hear me?
Mac: Uh, yeah.
Li Ann: Ok, get ready. We're pulling into the droogs' hangout now. How's the air in the trunk?
Mac: Fine, if Vic hadn't run out of breath mints.
Victor: That's not my breath. That's your cologne.
Li Ann: Keep it down. We don't want to spook them. This is one paranoid reporter.
Mac: Any sign of the droogs?
Li Ann: No, but they're here.
Victor: I got a cramp.
Mac; Ok, wait, wait, wait.
Karen: Thanks for coming.
Li Ann: Where are they?
Karen: They're unhappy about what happened at the club, and, um, they want me to broker a truce.
Li Ann: Karen, you're helping criminals. If you don't tell me where they are, I'll put you away.
Karen: You know, you people have a lot of nerve. You come to my apartment, you threaten me, you tell me you're going to
            put me away. Put me away where? And who the hell are you--
Rita: Hey, lady! Yah!
[cut to Mac and Victor]
Mac: Damn, the trunk release is broken.
Victor:What? It should work. I checked it out myself.
[Cut back to scene outside]
Rita: It seems we have a mutual friend.
Li Ann: Really.
Shirley: Mm, the candy man. You know where he is.
Li Ann: I don't know what you're talking about.
Duncan: You're lying!
[Cut back to Mac and Victor]
Victor: Did you check this?
Mac: That was by you. I told you don't move around so much.
Victor: What? Me? I didn't move.
Mac: Check the back. I'll fix the wiring.
[Cut back to scene outside]
Rita: You see, we are happy. Our lives are now our own. We serve no masters. We are free... except for
        one nagging little proviso. Fanny.
Shirley: We need more candy. Or else...we're going to turn your skull into a shrimp dip!
Li Ann: I think that you're misinformed about what I know and--
Duncan: What?
Li Ann: What?
Duncan: Fore!
[cut to Mac and Victor]
Victor: Ow, my leg.
[cut back outside]
Droogs: Ah! Yow! You... [ whooping ]
Li Ann: What's the matter with you people?
Karen: Why don't you ask Dr. Fry?
[cut back to Mac and Victor]
Mac: See, I thought it was the black one.
[They see it was Li Ann who opened the trunk.]

Li Ann: Ahem. You lied to us.
Director: This surprises you?
Victor: How do droogs connect with fry? You know, that guy that you're going to squash like a bug.
Mac: Who are the droogs, and what do they have to do with us?
Director: We made them.
 

Li Ann: I thought we were working for the good guys.
Mac: Yeah. It's not always black and white.
Li Ann: Well, in this case it is. What the agency did to those people was absolutely wrong.
Director: You're absolutely right. Sit down. Now. Move over. As promised, meet Dr. Bernard Fry. He's a
             freelance neuropharmacologist our virtuous little agency occasionally employs. Mac, do you know
             what a neuropharmacologist does? He makes mind candy. In this instance, a concoction called anti
             gaba daba do, or something. He's such a clever little man. Oh, no, doctor, please, do go on.
Dr. Fry: Gaba stands for gamma amino butyric acid. It's an inhibitory neurotransmitter that controls excitatory--
Director: They're not brain surgeons, doctor.
Dr. Fry: Of course. I made a drug cocktail, a combination of benzodiazepines, barbiturates, pharmacokinetics--
Director: You're rambling.
Dr. Fry: The drug removes the brain's main inhibitory mechanism by--
Director: Removing the conscience. They have no sense of right or wrong.
Dr. Fry: Well, in layman's terms, yes. The desired result was a better agent, one without guilt, conscience, ethics, scruples. It
              was a fascinating assignment.
Li Ann: Did you approve of this?
Director: No, I opposed it. I was overruled by a less reticent division of the agency.
Mac: You mean you're not the worst?
Li Ann: So you opposed the experiments on moral grounds?
Director: No, practical. I thought it would create more problems than it solved. Obviously the droogs prove I'm right, wouldn't
            you say, Doc?
Dr. Fry: Ahem, well, it's all part of the learning curve. We won't make the same mistakes again.
Victor: Who's we?
Dr. Fry: Oh, my wife collaborates with me on my work.
Mac: What a charming couple.
Dr. Fry: Oh, thank you.
Li Ann: What did you mean by mistakes?
Dr. Fry: Well, the drug turned out to be highly addictive, and we lost control of the test subjects.
Mac: [ sarcastically ] Who knew?
Dr. Fry: Exactly.
Director: The agency wants to eliminate the droogs. I'm in for capturing them alive. I think we owe them that.
Mac: My god, you have mellowed.
Director: You think so?
Dr. Fry: Well, the only way to counter the drug that I'm aware of amounts to chemical lobotomy -- I'm ok with that if you are.
Director: You'll think of something else.
Dr. Fry: Well, I can't make any promises. Listen, my wife is waiting for me.
Director: Stay -- in touch.
Victor: So even we bring them in alive, they're as good as dead.
Director: Well, we'll see, won't we? In the meantime, you have to get to the droogs before Murphy and Camier are
               assigned  to kill them.
Mac: The Cleaners?
Victor: Murphy and Camier?
Li Ann: None of this is the droogs' fault. They're innocent people, for God's sakes. They didn't know what was happening to
            them.
Mac: And now you're sending the cleaners after them to kill them.
Director: Not my call. You get to work, maybe we can prevent this.

Shirley: [ coughing ]
Duncan: [ grunting ]
[ yelling ]
Rita: That's it. We have to talk. We need more candy. Soon.
Karen: There is no more. It was made in limited supply.
Rita: How do you know that?
Karen: My source.
Duncan: We need more candy, Karen.
Karen: I know someone who can make more.
Shirley: You know the candy man?
Rita: Why tell us?
Shirley: Because we make great press.
Karen: The public needs to know what's been done to you. I need to expose the people who did this.
Shirley: Like the public would give a damn.
Rita: Methinks it's a career thing, Fanny.
Karen: Think what you like. I'm only trying to help you even the score. But you have to promise... no violence.
Rita: We promise.
Shirley: On our honour.
Duncan: No... violence.

Dr. Fry: Has Tanya gone to her party at the Jorgensens'?
Mrs. Fry: Yes, it's a sleepover.
Dr. Fry: A sleepover?
Mrs. Fry: Yes, dear.
Dr. Fry: Parents will be there?
Mrs. Fry: Parents? Yes. Yes, I expect.
Dr. Fry: What sort of thing do they do?
Mrs. Fry: Mmm?
Dr. Fry: The Jorgensens.
Mrs. Fry: He works with chimps.
Dr. Fry: Ah, chimpanzees, yes.
[ bell ringing ]
Mrs. Fry: The formaldehyde is early. Hmm.
Shirley: Good evening, ma'am. I represent the wishy-washy washboard company of Walla Walla, Washington. Here, try this
            on for size.
Mrs. Fry: Oh!
Dr. Fry: Who is it, dear?
Shirley: Honey, I'm home.
Dr. Fry: Hi.
Duncan: Dancers, swing your partner round and round, bug the den and throw them down, grab his leg and
            break his face. If he dies, what the heck. Grab his head. Oh, no, it isn't dead. Hey, dancers.
Shirley: Dr. Bernie got any medicine?
Dr. Fry: Where's my wife? Ohhh. What the hell do you people want?
Shirley: I want the doctor to make me feel good. Come on, baby, let's dance.   ...do-de-do-de-do    give
            me the medicine, or I'll poke your eye out.
Dr. Fry: You're them, the droogs.
Shirley: Duh! We need the damn drug!
Dr. Fry: There is no more.
Shirley: No more?
Dr. Fry: Where's my wife?
Duncan: Oh, my wife, my wife, my kingdom for a wife. Six left -- let's make him a junkie!
[ gurgling ]
Shirley: When you come to, you'll have seen the light. You'll need more yourself pretty soon. Best whip up
another batch. Swallow. We're all in this together now. Right, Doc? 
[ moaning ]
 

Li Ann: We checked Fry's house. No one in sight.
Director: Then they must be at his lab.
Mac: How did they find the lab?
Director: Karen Ruby.
Victor: How would she know?
Li Ann: I didn't tell her.
Director: Doesn't matter. At this point she's become a major security risk. If she publishes what she knows, we could
             all be out of a job. Murphy and Camier have been ordered to do her before they do the droogs.
Li Ann: The agency has a problem with someone so they just kill them.
Director: Well, it's the quickest way to deal with a problem.
Li Ann: You can't really believe that.
Director: I don't. Well, not always. That's why I intend to stop them from killing Karen Ruby, and the droogs from killing Fry.
Li Ann: You're going against agency directives.
Director: We all are.

Murphy: It was one of the finest finial knobs I'd ever seen.
Camier: Milan cathedral?
Murphy: No, no, no, did I give you that impression? Modern french. Really, an outstanding finial knob, off 9the top of a palace
            flagpole. Perfectly preserved. The tell-tale flair for foliage of grassonier.
Camier: Ah, grassonier. Even disante marvelled at the finial knobs of grassonier. His finest knob was at the tomb of Marchand,
            I believe. Knobbery at its apex.
Murphy: Knobbery at its acme. I couldn't agree with you more.
Camier: Well, after you.
Murphy: Oh, no, I insist, after you.
Camier: Are you sure?
Murphy: Utterly.
Camier: You're too kind, Mr. Murphy.
Murphy: Not at all, Mr. Camier.

Dr. Fry: The diphenylbutylpiperidine was the genius stroke. It's used in the treatment of Tourette's
            symptoms -- uh, syndrome. Sudden uncontrollable obscenity. But with just the right amount of
            benzodiazepine, it actually magnifies Tourette's symptoms. Ah! This stuff is great!
[yelling]
Rita: You can have her after the drug is ready.
[screaming]
Rita: I said after!
Dr. Fry: After is fine. Now then. Diphenylbutylpiperidine.
Duncan: Just cook it.
Dr. Fry: I'm cooking, I'm cooking. [ laughing maniacally ]

Li Ann: Karen?
Victor: Too late.
Li Ann: Where would they take her?
Victor: Cherry street incinerator.
Li Ann: How the hell do you know that?
Victor: Murphy got riled on, like, 90-year-old sherry a few months ago at the poker game and told me
            about their drop zones. You know, I hope they were kidding about Iceland.
Li Ann: You play poker with the Cleaners?
Victor: Yeah, well, assassins are terrific bluffers. Keeps me sharp.

Director: Everybody freeze.
Mac: Get down!
[ gun clicking ]

Karen: No! No! [ muffled pleading ]
Camier: We should have killed her there and just carried the body here. Fine mess.
Murphy: You know it's too complicated that way. Besides, I thought you could handle her.

[ gunshots ]
[ yelling ]
Director: Don't do it.
Duncan: I have to. It's what I do.
Mac: Oh, well, then. Brained him.

Murphy: [ gasping ] What, may I ask, are you doing?
Victor: Following orders.
Murphy: Whose, for god's sake, if I may be so--
Victor: What's it to you? I'd go easy on the sherry at the next poker game, Murphy.
Murphy: Oh, damnation.

[ muffled shouts ]
Victor: Camier!
Camier: I have orders to kill her, Victor.
Victor: I got orders to save her.
Camier: Well, that won't work. How can our orders conflict? We're on the same side.
Victor: Why not?
Camier: It's no way to run a shadowy government agency, that's all. I'd hate to have to kill you, Victor.
Victor: I'd hate to have to be killed.
[ Camier gets knocked out.]
Victor: Well, looks like next week's poker game's toast.
 

Dr. Fry: [ gibbering ] oh, oh, I, I got-- you! You! You must understand--
Mac: He should be locked up. Why isn't he locked up?
Director: He made the droogs, and he can unmake them.
Mac: He said the only antidote was a chemical lobotomy.
Director: Yes, well, he lacked the motivation to find a better alternative. But now, in the throes of withdrawal, the man is
                motivated.
Mac: He is a totally amoral person.
Director: He's our only chance to give those people their lives back. Now, Mac, you be a dear boy and run along. I have one
            more loose end to tie up.

Karen: Where am I? Who are you?
Director: Your best friend, as it will turn out, Karen. We have spoken before, just not face to face.
Karen: You? You were my source?
Director: I don't answer questions from the press.
Karen: Off the record, then, why did you do it? Maybe you felt it was just cause.
Director: I don't believe in causes. I have a lot of trouble with right or wrong, absolutes in general, much like yourself.
Karen: You blew the whistle on an experiment that you thought was morally wrong. And I'm going to report it because I agree
            with you.
Director: No, I leaked information to you about an experiment that I thought would be damaging to the agency. And you're
            going to report it because it's a story that's sure to advance your career. Neither one of us really gives a damn about
            the droogs themselves, only I'm not afraid to admit it. And actually you're not going to report anything.
Karen: What do you mean?
Director: This will put you out for a few hours.
Karen: No, no, no, wait.
Director: And when you wake up, the last few days will not have existed. You see, Karen, this is nothing to what some people
               wanted to do to you. I am your best friend after all.

THE END