John Woo's Once A Thief
Episode 7: It Happened One Night
Vic: This is one messed-up night.
Hello, operator. I'm still waiting for my call to Abu Sayed. Cool. Put him
through. Hi, King. Ok, ok, Your Majesty. Come on, dad, who's going to hear?
The line is secure. I'm in some safe house. It belongs to the shadowy
government agency that's babysitting me. The tour's going great. No. No sign
of the Revolutionary Brotherhood. These people have the security thing down.
On the cultural front, they're not so great. They actually sent me a dancer.
Not like Show Girls, a belly dancer, like in the Beverly Hillbillies when the
sheik tried to buy Elly May. You didn't see it? Oh, talk about stereotypes.
Bad beards, bed sheets, see, granny thinks the sheik is trying to buy Jethro.
[ knocking ] Oh, there's the bodyguards. I gotta go. Ok, I'll talk to you
later. Bye, King. You must be Mac and Victor.
Yes, I am mac. And here's...
Victor.
Right, Victor.
You guys are late.
Traffic was brutal.
Come now, we have to get you to the consulate.
In a bit. Baywatch is coming on. Help yourself to the free load.
I think we should go now.
Not so hard. I'm a freakin' prince, you know.
So move, your highness.
[ gunshot ]
Turn around.
You can shoot me if you like, but if the gun goes off, the prince dies.
Your majesty, meet Mac and Victor. They were supposed to protect you.
You mean these guys aren't Mac and Victor?
No. If they were, I would have killed them. You got anything to say?
Traffic, it was brutal.
Nice job tonight, boys. Next time I want to kidnap royalty, I'll make sure
you're guarding 'em.
Yeah...you too.
That was a very nice comeback.
That guy just gets me.
We demand a lawyer.
Yeah, call from your cell, Spanky.
What did you call me?
Did you call him... Spanky?
Yeah, so what?
What am I, a fat child? A moon-faced delinquent? From the ridiculous Little
Rascals movie series?
You mean Our Gang.
3Little Rascals!
They're the same thing. It's just a name, Spanky.
No, stop.
Don't dishonour us. We will kill you.
We will.
You want to try?
Take these cuffs off, and then I will--
Spanky, Spanky...
I don't know what you're talking about. You're a real genius for making bad
things worse. Who could get into an argument about the Little Rascals?
You mean Our Gang.
Same thing, and I happen to love the Little Rascals. The way Darla handled all
those little boys. There were real-life lessons in that.
Yeah, well, I have just learned my lesson -- do not let Victor drive -- he's
supposed to pick me up at front and 9th at 10:00--
Front and 10th at 9:00, you moron.
You're a moron.
Yes, well, as fascinating as this sounds, could we please get started? Thank
you. Prince Nadir's country is of vital interest to us. Although his father's
power's tenuous at best, if Nadir is captured by the opposition, it could
prove disastrous. He's here for one more week. And since I obviously cannot
count on you two to protect him, Li Ann is going to take over. Li Ann, bring
him back to Mac's place.
They know where that is.
That's why it's the last place they'll be likely to be looking for him.
So, what about me and smiley over here?
How about a night of professional development?
Not the obstacle course --
Dobrinsky puts too much current in the fence.
Only when you're out there. You'd look good with a perm.
You two need a little interpersonal awareness. This is a thousand dollars --
why don't you spend it on becoming friends?
Wow, ok, great, sure. Here, buy a personality.
I'm serious -- until you two can learn to get along, you are of absolutely no
use to me -- now, could you find some activity that you like and do it
together tonight? I don't know. What is that? Cliff diving, cockfighting,
russian roulette? I don't care. Just work on your relationship.
But we have nothing in common.
Well, except, of course, Li Ann.
Hey, leave me out of this.
I can think of at least one other interest that you both probably share.
Since when did they start renting this place out for stag parties?
Well, things are tough all over.
Well, let's just get this straight. I do not share this interest...with...you.
It's not an interest. I worked vice for a year when I was a cop. I know
exactly what these places are. And this not my... idea of enjoyment. Besides,
I don't see you wearing a blindfold.
I do not hang out in sleazy clubs, ok? A little class over here.
Guess who.
Can I have a clue?
I'm 5 foot 5. I have blonde hair. My interests include Irish literature and
quantum mechanics.
Could you be a little more specific?
Victor, this is my friend, Vivian Vixen.
Incredibly, it's my real name.
Yeah, Victor Mansfield. So how do you, how do you know mac? Irish lit club?
Are you kidding? Mac's in every week at the Booty Call where I work. He's a
ton of fun.
The Booty Call.
You look like fun yourself. Got any plans later on?
Uh.
Well, maybe I'll see the two of you later.
I do not hang out in sleazy clubs.
We could have double-dated her if you hadn't gone 6th grade on me.
Listen, whatever, whatever it is I do tonight, it will not include seeing you
naked... unless it's on a slab with a tag around your toe.
You should really eat your food.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm sick with love... for the most beautiful woman in the world.
Why don't you watch this movie -- it will take your mind off it -- it's Police
Academy 4. Or 5. I didn't mean so close.
You have wonderful hair.
Thanks. You know that hummus was really good.
Your skin... is like silk.
Yeah, well, you know, I get a lot of exercise, you must really miss Abu Sayed.
I'll do anything to make you happy.
I think I've seen this movie before.
You're choking me.
Yeah, I know. Now, if you let me breathe, I'll let you breathe.
And now, gentlemen, on this very stage, the queen of old Dublin, Molly Bloom,
as portrayed by our very own Vivian Vixen!
Music:
I asked him with my eyes
To ask again yes
And then he asked me, would I yes to say yes...
Yes! Now, this is culture.
You want culture? Look what's in the bottom of this glass.
Music:
And drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts
All perfumed, yes
And his heart was going
Like mad, and, "yes," I said...
Hey.
Music: I asked him with my eyes...
Hey. Notice anything?
Yeah, I'm noticing, I'm noticing.
Music:
...my mountain flower
And first, I put my arms around him
Yes
And drew him down to me so he could feel
My breasts all perfumed, yes
And his heart was going like mad
And, yes, I said, yes
I will, yes
So, what do you think?
She's new here. Voluptuous and alluring. Hmm. Bring her.
New plan, gentlemen. The director was going to hold on to you two, till she
heard how they execute people in Abu Sayed. Now she's going to hand you over
to the cops for extradition.
I'm going to remember you, Mr. Clean.
Theory has it a severed head remains conscious awhile after it's been cut off.
I don't believe it myself, but, uh, I guess you're going to find out.
[ speaking foreign language ] ...Spanky.
Ah, ah, I can't do anything right.
Will you hold still, you big baby? It should have stopped bleeding by now.
I can't even bleed right. Oh, my father will be so furious.
Why, because you tried to jump me?
No, 'cause I missed. You see, my ancestors were warriors. My grandfather led
his men into battle riding a fiery charger. My father slew an assassin with
his own hands. This is the blood I have in my veins. And what have I done with
it? Watched MTV.
So, what's wrong with that?
They were men among men. I'm a rich kid. Weak, spoiled, obsessed by Jenny
McCarthy.
I thought you were obsessed by me.
Oh, but I am. You are like the mistral of my beloved desert.
a) there are no mistrals in your country. And b) you should really lay off the
desert prince routine. You spent four years as a frat boy in Stanford.
Five. I'm a complete failure at everything. You're a goddess. I'm nothing. I'm
not fit to live. I'm not fit to live.
Do you know what you need?
To be spanked as the bad boy that I am?
You need to get out of here. We're going dancing.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from her tour at Deleer street, Donna
Daedalus -- let's hear it.
[ playing the ants go marching ]
I should have gone into the military.
You ever stop to think about how many years of therapy you have ahead of you?
Well, who has the time?
Would you like something?
Oh, yes, your lovely self, gift-wrapped and ready to leave in 45 seconds.
Very funny. I mean no ribaldry. You, my sweets, are invited to a private party
with the Master Jamboree. He's anticipating your arrival anon.
A what?
Anon, shortly, soon.
Why didn't you say it like that?
Well, I like to cut a colourful character.
You can tell Mr. Jamboree--
Uh, uh, uh. Master Jamboree. He's picky about these things.
I'm not in a party mood.
Oh, no. Look. Don't cause a scene now. You must come along. What Master J.
wants, Master J. gets. Come on now.
Don't worry. She'll kill him.
That's our job.
I don't suppose we could let this slide.
Hey, zoot suit. Leave the girl alone.
I didn't think so.
And you stay out of this. I have resources.
Oh, it just gets better and better. Look, one, two, three...
Woo-hoo!
Music:
This feeling inside you
Seems you think you know just what I'm thinking of
I got to have you
Go on, ask someone to dance.
I have asked someone to dance.
Ask someone else besides me.
That would be settling for second best. I don't do that. I have royal blood.
I think there are a lot of women out there that would really buy that desert
prince routine. You should really go try.
As the great wise man of our culture, Dav Hassan, once said... [ speaking
foreign language ]
Meaning?
"The falcon most easily captured is the one least prized."
And you wouldn't want to join any club that would have you as a member.
Ok, can I be honest with you?
I doubt it.
The reason why I'm not dancing is because I don't want to look like a dork.
What?
I don't want to look like a dork. You see, I'm not very good. And, uh, I don't
know. Maybe you could show me or something. It would give me confidence, and
then I could go ask other girls to dance...boogie.
Yeah.
I fear there's a complication, sir.
So I see. Don't like the way they're handling our people.
They're very good, sir.
Just resolve it and bring the girl. I'm feeling particularly... anxious
tonight. Get back there. I need some relief.
What's this, your coffee break?
Hey!
[ gunshots ]
[ engine starting ]
[ rap music playing ]
Music:
...arms around me
The power from above, energy inside me
I can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
Can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough Can't get enough of your love...
Announcer: Street patrol. Patrolling the streets.
10-4. Ok, we're responding to a major altercation at a bar. A bunch of the
boys are whooping it up.
You're mine, baby, come on.
I'm on your side!
Typical bar-room brawl. From the way the suspect's talking, I'd say he's
probably well over the legal limit.
I'm in law enforcement. I'm a secret agent.
Could be controlled substances.
[ shrieking ]
Pepper spray.
Music:
I can't get enough, I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
Can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough
I just can't get enough...
I just can't get enough
Can't get enough of your love
I can't get enough...
I just can't get enough
I just can't get enough
Yeah.
[ muttering ]
[ tires squealing ]
I need the bus.
What?
[ horns blaring ]
Whoa!
Hmph!
Aw, come on.
Whoa!
Idiot.
Moron.
[ rap music playing ]
Better stop. It's the cops.
Prince, keep quiet.
This is one messed-up night.
[ groaning ]
Look, I am telling you that this is a mistake. Call the number I gave you.
That's, that's great, that's, that's great. What else could go wrong?
Hello, Spanky.
We were hoping to see you again, Spanky.
.[ rap music playing ]
Ok, where are you?
Damn it.
What's the point of this feature?
You know, I can't decide how to kill him.
Me neither, but it's a happy problem.
Yes.
Ok, ok, guys, come on.
I'm sure that we can work a little something out here, huh? I mean, we're
just, we're doing our jobs, right -- we're professionals.
Professionals do not call each other Spanky.
I'm really sorry about that, ok? It was a joke.
It was in poor taste.
Do you know the Aztecs could extract a man's heart so quickly they could show
it to him still beating before he died?
I didn't know that.
It's true.
Alas, that is a skill we do not possess.
And we would have to contend with the mess.
Hmm.
You're not going to start talking in rhyme again, are you?
No, it was, uh, accident.
Because last time it went on for months.
It began to wear thin.
The romans once cooked a man inside a giant metal bull.
Oh.
Again, we do not possess the materials.
No, in fact, it's really a little two against one here.
It's a little good old-fashioned hand-to-hand. I don't like to brag, but
that's probably going to hurt you as much as it hurts me.
[ chuckling ]
Ok, ok, let's go back to where we're talking about reasonable men.
Speak for yourself. I am a crazed fanatic with no regard for my own life or
anyone else's.
Well, ok, crazed or not, I'm sure that we can work a little something out, a
little quid pro quo.
[ speaking latin ]
Say what?
I'm sorry. You said, "quid pro quo." I thought you wanted to speak Latin.
My partner wanted to know what you could possibly offer us.
9Ah, ah, a little something that I know that you want more than anything else.
And what would that be?
A way out of here.
[ laughing ] we don't believe you.
Go on.
So...the hostage formerly known as Prince. Good evening. I'm your host. The
creator of this scene. I am Master Jamboree.
And you are a dead man. An angry nation will visit it's vengeance upon you,
guided by the wrath of my father... the King.
Ah...have to have long arms to go from Abu Sayed to here. Besides, your old
man's busy with that Revolutionary Brotherhood... or whatever that is.
What would you know about it?
Well, enough to take their money.
Which makes you the lowest of the low -- an assassin for hire.
I am many things. A trafficker, a thiever, a... oh, uh, killer. That I do for
money. What I do for love is collect people -- immortalize them. You can think
of me as sort of a repo man of human souls. In fact, I've ordered me up a
young dancer for tonight. And you... mister, you behave yourself, and I see no
reason why you can't split her with me.
You, uh, kidnap people...for fun?
Yeah. That way I never have to leave the premises.
Ha, ha, you're agorophobic.
I prefer to think of it this way. I love life, I just... I hate the details.
So, I-I bring it all here to me. between my screens, the people I acquire, my
own little films, there's no reason to ever leave home.
Uh...
You want to check the grounds? As for you, your highness, I hope you enjoy
your stay. Just want to remind you, the homies all have guns. I myself...
heavily armed and pyschologically... unstable.
I don't doubt it.
Woo-hoo.
[ shouting ] What took you so long? A little too convincing.
I had to make it look good.
Come on, move it.
Stop giving orders.
I got to make it look good.
Then we should have found a taller cop.
Those pants are ridiculous.
Where is the flood, Shermoud?
As soon as we are clear of the station, we kill him.
I can garrotte him with my shoe lace.
It's pedestrian, but beggars can't be choosers.
Where is he?
He ran.
He did not trust us.
9We must hunt him down and kill him.
No, we don't have time.
But-but he called you Spanky.
Come on.
Don't worry.
Behold the images of the world. Manufacture. Disappearing nature. The detritus
of a decaying planet. Or perhaps... we should enjoy one of my tapes. I like
to, uh, create entertainment starring the people I acquire. I'd hoped to
provide you with some live amusements tonight, but... the dancer I ordered is
late! Sit! So, what will tickle the royal fancy? Human oddities, perhaps?
Something with soft tissue and hard edges?
Um... I have to pee.
Down the hall to the left. Oh...oh... there's not a country in the world where
this is legal.
Put away those crown jewels.
We're getting out of here.
What the hell are you doing here?
[ alarms blaring ]
[ guns cocking ]
We were escaping.
The police. We're saved.
Or not.
Sorry, this is the wrong address.
[ gunfire ]
Very nice!
This is one messed-up night.
Well, this is so nice to have company for a change. Yeah, things can get a
little, uh, little quiet here in the crib.
Yes, and may we express the gratitude of the Revolutionary Brotherhood.
I am certainly glad we hired you for this job.
Now, if you will just hand over the prince to us, we will be on our way.
Of course. And, uh, how, uh, exactly will you be disposing of him?
Ha, there are so many ways.
Don't get me started.
[ laughing ] unfortunately, we must return the prince to our native land
intact.
Alive?
Unscathed.
We are using him as a hostage.
Well, are you at least, uh... you know, rough him up a little.
No, we must not incur the wrath of the people. I had hoped--
I don't think this is any of your business.
Well, it's just that, you know, I wanted to, you know, immortalize the moment.
You know, the camera's ready. I got a lot of, lot of raw tape. You know, I'd
like to make it, you know, even a lot more rawer if you know what I mean?
Yes, well, as tempting as though it sounds, you understand we feel the need
for speed.
No. No, I don't underst-- [ inhaling ] don't understand. I'm ready to roll.
Let's make pictures.
Ssss...ha... may I speak with my partner?
One...hmm?
Well, we have decided to stay and help you out as best we can.
Ha, ha, super. You know, I really wouldn't want to go ahead with the project
without you. You know, it's a collaborative medium. Uh, now, I've been
developing this role that I think the prince would be just...ideal in.
Ha, ha, ha... unfortunately, we cannot let you have the prince.
Oh, he'd, aww, he'd be perfect for the part.
Yes, but we need him in perfect health.
And besides, he is a well-known political figure. You might not want to be
tied to his demise, especially if it's on film.
Uh, on the other hand, there are several promising unknowns here which you
might want to consider. Yes?
Of course, I.... I don't hire stars, I make stars.
All right. Ok, before you say anything, I'll admit it. We screwed up.
Well, can't say I'm surprised.
Where's the director?
None of your business. What's the problem?
Uh, well, the-the terrorists...escaped.
What? Damn cops. I'm going to skin them on this one.
Well, I don't know that you can really blame them. It was a really clever
escape.
What do you mean?
I kind of helped them.
Ha, you're just kidding, right? Pulling old Dobrinsky's chain?
'Fraid not. Now, listen, they got the prince at some factory. They got an army
of thugs. We're going to need a little backup.
I can't authorize that.
Well, then call the director on her phone.
Oh, like she gives me her number.
Right, then we got to handle it ourselves.
No kidding. Ok, white boy, let's go. We're going to face that army of thugs,
save us a prince, catch some terrorists... then we're going to come back here
so I can run you through the paper shredder.
Now, people... let me just, uh, run through the scene so you can get your
motivation. You're about to be hacked alive...by a maniac! It's, uh, it's,
fairly straightforward. Uh, any questions?
Yeah, did you, uh, suffer, like, a lot of blows to the head as a child?
Oh...do I have to wear this thing?
Well, it's, it's crucial to my conception of your character.
I-I can't breathe.
Not to mention your anonymity!
Oh, this is so humiliating.
Think about how we feel.
Ok...ok.
[ screaming ]
This is great. This is great. Ok, slow it down, slow it down. We got to build
the tension. Get him out. Oh, yeah. [ screaming ]
Be quiet! That's just what he wants.
Well, that's what he's getting.
Quiet! This is art.
The hell it is. This sucks.
Cut! Cut! What did you say?
This sucks.
Hey, that's them.
They pretending to be cops too?
Yeah, it's all the rage.
So, uh, are you a critic? You, uh, feel free to find fault with my little
effort here?
Her character would never do this.
Oh, so you think you know more about her character than I do? Me? The
director?
Yeah, I do. I think she deserves a better close up than this, don't you think,
before she gets cut to ribbons? Plus, the concept is so stale. I mean, we've
seen this before. The chainsaw thing. It's so derivative.
I don't like critics. You know, they point out every little fault. You
know...but they never have the courage to go and do something on their own, to
be part of the creative process. But you, you're going to be part of the
process. I've decided that you're right for the prized role of victim number
one.
Groovy.
Spanky... get out of the car.
You will never take me alive.
[ clicking ]
Did you get these guns from the armoury?
Yeah.
Did you bother to load them?
They don't come loaded?
[ laughing ]
[ motor sputtering ]
Damn machine.
[ motor not starting ]
[ laughing ]
[ screaming ] Now the terrible insult of Spanky will be avenged.
Nice one, prince.
Yeah, right...nice one.
Ok, I'll take these two.
You better get to the mansion.
I'll come with you.
No, you won't.
But the heroic blood of my fathers courses through my veins.
Yeah, I want to keep it there.
Tough cookie. I'm coming.
Don't lose him again, Mac.
[ honking ]
Stay put. I'll check things out.
But I want to be a hero.
Trust me, it won't help you get the girls.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Care to join us?
You got a gun?
You got any bullets?
This is not good! In fact, it's bad.
Go!
That's our ride.
Oh, ho, ho, and you said it wouldn't help me get the girls.
Yeah, beginner's luck, beginner's luck.
Nice, prince.
Ah, tonight, I'm going to party like it's 1999, ha, ha.
Victor: This is one messed-up night.
Are you sure that the director said to meet her here tonight?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Can't she wait until the morning to rag on us?
What do you mean us? I didn't help any terrorists escape.
I got them back.
All I know is she said that it is very important for us to be here.
Oh, well, then, there you have it.
This place gives me the creeps.
Where you going?
Home. It's been a long night. If she wants to say something to me, she'll wait
till morning.
You're disobeying orders? I am impressed.
I'm coming with you. And you, Victor?
Well, she said it was important.
Yeah, but what's so important that it can't wait till morning?
Hmm? Come on -- my bus is double-parked.
Announcer: And now, gentlemen, our star attraction. That sublime woman of
mystery. The fabulous Lady of the Fan.
Hello, suckers.
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