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They had nothing to say to each other. There was nothing that could be said. What had started as a celebratory trip for the Judge had ended in disaster. Both men now sat in silence as the younger drove the Coyote toward home.
They had driven most of the way already only making necessary stops. Conversation was kept to a minimum - only occurring when it could not be avoided.
Mark was driving automatically as his thoughts circled around the events of the last few days. He knew the judge was upset and knew no way to ease his pain. He knew the judge had had such big plans to show off his hometown and friends. At the start of the trip, the judge was fairly bursting with pride for his hometown and friends. Now he was trying to deal with the facts hat these same friends had tried to kill him.
And then there was that frightening period when he thought the judge was dead. He was overcome by fear when he saw the car go into the reservoir. Then he couldn’t find the judge in the water. He wasn’t even aware that the water was freezing, only of the need to find the judge. If Christy hadn’t pulled him out of the water, he would have kept diving.
Once they got to the cabin, he was cold, but not from the water. He was overcome with fear and grief and it chilled him. This chill went straight to his soul. He felt frozen inside.
He felt so disappointed with himself. He had failed the judge. He had not been able to save him. When the judge needed him, he had let him down. He knew the judge had to be disappointed in him.
He had felt so lost. He had lost the one person on the world that he felt cared about what happened to him. He knew he had friends that cared for his welfare, but the judge was the one person who knew who he really was and still cared.
He felt their relationship was more than friendship, at least to him. He had never told the judge how much he meant to him. He felt the judge was more of a father to him than his real on. He believed that he would never get the chance to tell him. He hoped that the judge knew.
Then came the paralyzing fear. “What will happen to me? Where will I go?” He knew the estate would go to the judge’s family or his wife’s and where did that leave him? He guessed that he would go back to reporting to the Parole Board and live in a halfway house. He doubted if they would allow him to live alone.
He knew this line of thinking was selfish. His friend had just died and all he could think about was himself. He felt so guilty for his selfishness and so numb from the loss.
The only thing that got him through the night was realizing that Christy had also lost someone she had loved--her father. By turning his attention and concern to her, he could cope with his loss. He could push it aside and concentrate on comforting her.
Once morning came he could tell her things he had done with the judge. If he concentrated on the funny or good times, he could almost ignore that he was gone.
When he first saw the judge on the deck, all he felt was great relief. He couldn’t stop hugging him. He had to keep touching him, to assure himself that he was really there. The judge was there and everything would be okay.
Once he was able to relax, he was able to think things over. He knew his thoughts from the night before had been selfish and he felt that he had let the judge down when he needed him.
He helped the judge capture his friends. He knew it had to be difficult for the judge - going after his friends.
Mark knew he should say something to help his friend, but he didn’t know what. Everything he thought to say, sounded lame or stupid to him. Since he didn’t know what to say, he said nothing. He stole a glance at the judge and wondered how he could ease his pain.
The judge, meanwhile, had been lost in thoughts of his own.
His friends, people he had known practically his whole life and had trusted completely, had tried to kill him. He never would have dreamed that they would do such a thing. It still left him feeling stunned and confused.
And then there was the matter of the young man sitting beside him in the driver’s seat. He knew the kid was loyal and could be trusted. He had backed him up before. That the kid was so loyal and would risk his life for him, only added to his confusion. His life-long friends wanted to kill him and this kid he had met a short while ago would do anything hw could to save him.
Christy told him how she had to pull Mark from the water, that he had kept diving even when he was so exhausted he could hardly stand. She also told him how upset Mark had been when he thought he was dead.
The judge knew that the resentment Mark had against him for sending him to prison had faded and friendship had developed. Even if neither one would admit it. What he didn’t realize was how deep those feelings were. That maybe the kid felt as he did. That they were more like family than friends.
When she told him how Mark had reacted and then when he remembered the look on the kid’s face when he saw him at the cabin, it made him feel warm inside. To know that someone else cared that much about what happened to him.
Christy had also told him that Mark felt he had failed him, that he had not been able to stop them from “killing” him. That was pure nonsense. From what Christy told him, there wasn’t anything more that Mark could have done that he hadn’t already.
The judge wanted to let him know that he hadn’t let him down, but didn’t know how to bring up the subject without reminding them both of what had taken place.
The judge caught Mark’s sideward glance.
“What?” he asked gruffly, much more that he intended.
“Nothing,” came the quiet reply, his eyes snapping forward.
Silence once again filled the car.
As they exited the PCH and pulled into the drive at Gulls-Way, the judge sighed heavily. Mark parked the Coyote in it’s usual spot and both men exited the car. Mark started toward the Gatehouse and the judge toward the main house.
The judge stopped, turned and asked, “are you hungry?”
“A little,” Mark said pausing.
“Well, come on into the house. We should be able to find something,” the judge said.
“Okay. I’ll be there in a minute. I want to put my things away first.
The judge went into the kitchen and looked in the freezer and cabinets. He found some tuna, crackers, bread and soup. He waited a few minutes and when Mark hadn’t come to the kitchen he started making the soup.
Mark walked into the kitchen and saw the judge making the soup. He found the tuna on the table. “I’ll make the tuna salad since you’re making the soup,” he offered.
The judge, not hearing Mark enter, jumped. He turned around quickly and looked at Mark closely. He knew that although Mark was keeping quiet about it, something was bothering him. “Well it’s been a tough couple of days for the both of us. A few days and he will forget all about it,” he thought to himself as he turned back to the stove.
“That sounds good,” he replied.
They prepared their meal and ate quietly. After they had eaten, the judge asked, “do you want to watch the game? It should be starting soon.”
“I guess if you aren’t too tired,” Mark replied.
“No, I’m not tired. Let’s go watch the game,” he replied.
The went into the den and settled into their respective chairs. They watched the game, saying very little. Comments centered around the players, referee calls, and the season.
After the game, Mark rose from his chair. “I think I’ll go to bed,” he said.
“Okay,” the judge said watching as Mark walked out of the den.
If he hadn’t paying close attention, he probably would have missed as Mark stopped in the doorway and said softly, “I’m sorry, Judge,” before continuing out the door.
At first the judge was stunned. “Sorry for what?” he thought to himself as he rose to follow the young man.
When he reached the door, he found Mark standing at the edge of the yard, gazing at the ocean. He approached quietly.
“Mark,” he started. “You said you were sorry. Sorry for what?” he asked.
He thought that Mark wasn’t going to answer, but then he did. “For what happened in Clarence,” he replied still looking out at the ocean.
The judge placed a hand on Mark’s shoulder and gently turned him to face him.
“Why, you had nothing to do with them and have nothing to be sorry for,” the judge said, confused by his friend’s comment.
“They hurt you and I just wanted you to know that I wish I could help you feel better. I know they were your friends judge and they tried to kill you,” he said.
“Yeah, well, that is going to take time. I appreciate your concern, but it is something I have to deal with on my own,” the judge told him.
“Okay,” Mark said, looking down.
The judge sensing there was more asked, “what else is bothering you, kid?”
Mark didn’t look up. He said quietly, “nothing.”
“Out with it,” the judge ordered, his tone letting Mark know he meant business.
“I’m sorry. . I was so selfish. When I thought you were dead, all I could think about was me and how this affected me. I mean you were dead, and I was worried about me. And I had I let you down,” he said becoming upset.
“Mark, look at me,” the judge said.
When Mark looked up, he continued. “Our situation is unique and I can see why you would wonder about what would happen to you. You are being too hard on yourself. Grief and fear make us think things we wouldn’t normally.”
“Yes, but, I should have been thinking about getting the guys who hurt you and all I could think about was myself,” he said, still feeling guilty.
“Listen to me, I know that you would not have let them get away with it. You were upset and in a bad situation. It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” the judge said. “Is this how you let me down or is there more?”
Mark started to lower his head again, but the judge stopped him, “No, don’t. Tell me the rest”
Mark looked around the yard. When he met the judge‘s eyes again, his were full of turmoil. He said, “I let you down. When you needed me, I failed you. I didn’t stop them from pushing you into the water. I’m supposed to be your backup and when you needed me, I wasn’t there. That’s the whole reason I’m here. I guess I don’t belong here anymore. At least we found out before…”
“Whoa, stop right there. You did not let me down. You did all you could. Christy told me how you kept diving in the water and she pulled you out to stop you. You did all you could. You have been doing your job just fine. Every time I have needed you were there, including this time,” the judge reassured him.
“I should have stopped them before they pushed you into the water,” he started.
“Mark,” the judge interrupted. “You did all you could. You have not disappointed me. In fact, you did very good. You have nothing to be ashamed or feel sorry for, okay?”
“Okay,” Mark answered, finally beginning to relax and grinned. “I’m glad they didn’t succeed, Judge. Not just because of my parole, but because you are my friend and I’m glad you’re here.”
“Well, kid, I’m glad too. I feel the same way about you,” the judge said and then starting to get embarrassed by the direction the conversation was going, stopped. “Are you okay now? Anything else?” he asked.
Mark smiled broadly. “No, I’m okay. Thanks, Judge,” he replied.
The judge smiled back. “Good. I don’t want to be out here all night trying to straighten out that had of yours,” the judge replied, feeling better than he has in days.
“Very funny, Judge,” Mark replied as he continued to grin. “I think I am going to bed, now. Thanks again Judge.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow,” he said as he watched the young man walk to the Gatehouse. He then went back into the main house. He felt better than he had in the past few days. He may have found out some bad things about the friends from his hometown, but he had also found out some very good things about the his young friend in the Gatehouse.
Mark walked to the Gatehouse and got ready for bed. The last few days had left him tired. He hadn’t been able to say anything to help the judge feel better but he knew that he hadn’t disappointed the judge and that he was where he belonged.
The two men each retired that night knowing that although they didn’t speak of the true depth of their feelings, somehow the other person know how they feel. And that is enough.
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