Hot Chick: n/a -- no girls in the movie!

Hot Chick Factor: 0

Synopsis -- Russell Crowe and I sail a British boat against a larger, faster French ship during the Napoleonic wars... Can his heroism and ability save us in a battle for our very lives?

Short declaratory phrase in an attempt to get quoted in TV trailer, ad, or cover box --

"Master, Commander, let's call the whole thing off!"

Nate's review:

Okay, what the fuck is going on here? Who told you that you could be the Master AND the Commander at the same fucking time? Look, just because we're out here on the far side of the world doesn't make us saps. It was clearly stated to me in my contract for this voyage that you would take one title, and I would take the other. I don't really care which one you choose-- Master, Commander, it's all the same to me. Just pick one. You know, I would kind of figure you would take Master, but it's up to you. What's that? Yeah, I know, you fancy yourself a Commander and a Master. But I'm sorry, you can't have both. You know if you pick Master how you leave yourself open for all kinds of self-pleasure jokes, though... no, I'm not trying to play games, I'm just letting you know! If you think I have time for reverse psychology while all these fuckers are stinking up the air all around us, you are sadly mistaken my friend. I really don't care. Shit, pick the one you want, not the one you think I want more just to spite me, you royal Australian dickhead. Hell, I'd let you have both if you could get some of these old seafaring bastards to take a shower every once in awhile and give my nose a rest! Ha ha. So, I heard you taught yourself to play the violin for this movie... that's pretty cool, I guess. And a very noble reason, I might add, you know, for the sake of one's art. I, on the other hand, taught myself to play the guitar to help get girls. "Oh, watch out," my friends said. "The girls love a guy that can play a guitar!" What a bunch of shit that turned out to be. Here I am, six years later, the guitar has been no help with the girls. I guess when you suck as bad as I do in general, nothing can really lift your chances in the female department, not even a guitar. Fuck... So, I've heard some of the critics say that this film could be the best movie of its kind ever made... not that I disagree exactly, but what kind of movie is that? I mean, the naval warfare genre just isn't what it used to be I guess. No, no, don't get all pissy on me... I think it's okay, but... shit. Now you're going to have a stick up your ass all day, aren't you. Fuck... Hey, you know what this movie needs to spice it up a little bit? Some fucking pirates, yo! That's right, pirates! Get some pirates out here. I know it's the far side of the world, but there's got to be some pirates hanging around! What, you don't think so? Uh-oh, is the Master fucking Commander unable to get some shit-ass pirates out here to fuck with some people on board? Hell, I would love to see how some of these indentured fuckers deal with some crazy pirates. They would probably shit their pants right there on deck. Then we could order them to clean it up right there... god, I love being a Master. Or a Commander, whichever it's going to be. Seriously, though, I don't think this is a very good movie. Hey, don't get mad! Calm down and play me a little solo. Maybe some Beethoven or... or some Vivaldi! Yeah, I feel like some "Four Seasons" action. I like "La Primavera" the best... or whatever you want is cool. Look, about the movie, it's not your fault. You're fine. Shit, you're actually really good. The doctor too. It's just the arc of the story. Why does the movie end where it does? It quits without a satisfactory denoument. You know what I mean-- the cinematic equivalent of premature ejaculation! Oh, don't act like you don't know. I've seen the Cialis in your toiletry bag. Anyway, what the crap is up with that? I know you would have shot another 20 minutes' worth. I told you, it's not you! For real, though, I have to be honest-- this movie sucks the vast majority of that blue whale's ten-foot cock over there off the port bow. The best part about it is seeing the closing credits start to roll. I guess I should be glad it ends when it does. So, you want to rock-paper-scissors for "Master," or what?

Rating: 3 out of 10 feet of a whale's cock

Jason's review:

Jason has yet to review this film.

Ryan's review:

Ryan has yet to review this film.

Tim's review:

Tim has yet to review this film. Whatever!

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