What's happening on the entertainment scene by two Bastards
The Pulse
with Ryan and Jason
What's happening on the
entertainment scene by two Bastards
FLASH from Ryan:
MR. & MRS. JOLIE??? If you have been reading Page Six, you have heard that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were caught schmoozing at the Standard on Sunset while shooting “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Sources close to the film have told me that they are in fact bunking up together.
Brad has moved out of the house and into Angelina’s room at the Standard!
That is right, if that isn’t PULSE I don’t know what is.
PITT IS STAYING IN ANGELINA’S ROOM AT THE STANDARD AND HAS MOVED OUT OF HIS SANTA MONICA HOME WITH JENNIFER. Who knows, maybe Angelina really is the devil?
The Devil according to Alighieri
Jolie according to some jackass on the Internet
The lobby of the Standard according to the fine folks at their Website
Jason's back on the case...
RAN INTO some WWE groupies the other night and got tome tidbits that some of our white trash readers might be interested in. Here ya go:
The Big Show likes to bang fake blonde groupies, and yes he deserves the name Big Show.
Trish Stratus bangs everyone in the WWE. Did I mention I just decided to enroll in wrestling school!
Shelton Benjamin likes fat white chicks.
Giving a WWE truck driver oral will get you two tickets to that nights show.
If you are nervous while giving Bubba Ray Dudly oral, he is sweet to you.
Bad Ass Billy Gun has herpes.
The Coach is very handsy with groupies, almost to the point of date rape.
Test and Stacy Kiebler fight and bang all the time.
Kobe Bryant likes to rape white girls from behind.
There ya go, see ya at "Smackdown," whores!
The Big Show Stratus Benjamin Fat White Chicks Kobe
Ryan: Ohhhhh Shit, I am back with the pulse for your mother fuckin' tonsills. Damn.
Gary Coleman... Still livin'
WATCH OUT...Macaulay Culkin spotted at BAJA FRESH buying burritos. You know this. I did not drop one Jacko reference, but he was wearing a Yankees hat and I thought of Jason. This guy makes Jason look like the Governator though. Damn he is skinny and small, not like the delicious burritos at BAJA FRESH.
Culkin Jason Baja Fresh
KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF TIM'S CROTCH...I spotted not 'a' but 'the' PUSSY WAGON on Sunset and Vine. Who was driving? Quinton Tarintino...in the pussywagon. Spotted it again a week later on LaBrea. NICE!
The Pussywagon
So, the Hero of today's Pulse...who else but mother fuckin' DAVID HASSELHOFF?!?!
Spotted helping some girl on SPRING BREAK go to her JOB INTERVIEW with a local managment company. THE HOFF was kickin it at my place of business, discussing our future ideas on how to keep KNIGHT RIDER kicking your ass on Friday nights. He also just landed the lead in a new pilot on ABC. This poor doe eyed college student was all lost and David helped her find where she was going. Great Job David. We all know you are the real "Passion of the Christ." Mel really blew it by not casting you. Craigers OUT.
The Hoff
Even more from the RSC...
OH DIP SNAP...I almost forgot, the other night I was at a party and somebody introduced me to the writer/director of The Prophecy, Greg Widen. Nice guy, but the fun shit were his Walken stories.
PULSE...Last seen, Vince Neil last
weekend (4/18/03) finger-banging and spanking a girl on a red velvet bed spread.
This was during a party, and while the couple kept themselves confined to a
room, the door was wide open. FUCKING ROCK STARS. Also spotted, Cory
Feldman, and he is still clean and sober, about as sober as Dakil's 'Old School'
review. Ryan muses.... SPOTTED...Matt Stone in the Foundation Room of the Sunset Hard Rock Cafe
after The Roots concert. What I said..."If you are who I think you
are, you are one of the funniest people alive." What he
said..."I am who you think I am, but I am not that funny." By
the way, Quest Love was spinning records up there while Cody Chestnut was
chilling with the rest of the group. I am not sure, but I think they all
loved me. The Roots are one great show. New and Unusual-- a tidbit from Nate... Holy living fuck!... I had the opportunity to take a photo of myself with none other
than Lisa Loeb the other night in OKC. I don't really have any
entertainment news to report since I do live in OKC; I just wanted an excuse to
put this picture up on the Website. Lisa played solo to a captive audience
whilst fielding questions between songs. I wanted to talk to her more, but
as you can see by the picture, I was lit up like a damn Christmas tree. Fo
real tho, she was awesome-- and way hot to boot.
Lisa Loeb, Nate, and the ever-present Gin and Tonic I would have said many many profound and thought-provoking things after
taking this picture, but given my state I'm sure nothing but senseless babble
would have emanated from my mouth. So a good call was made to just say
"thank you" and move on-- even though I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. Updates from Ryan... Oh Snap... it is Halloween in Hollywood!!! It is quite possibly the
greatest combination since Burt Reynolds and Captin Insano. This year I
went to Kiefer Sutherland's party thrown at Jones Bar. Free everything,
open bar, and...well what else is there
A Production Assistant was driving Christopher Walken to the set in the middle
of the desert. The stereo was down very low and Christopher suddenly said,
"What is that noise?" "Uh, it's the radio," stated the
PA. "Stop the car," says Walken, who proceeds to get out, shut
his door and started walking out to the middle of nowhere. The PA panics,
'where the fuck is he going?' type thing. He jumps out and follows Walken
about 100 yards from the car where Walken stops, puts a finger in the air and
says, "Dinosaurs used to walk here." He then turned around and
got back in the car. The two continue to drive and 10 minutes later Walken
says "What is that noise?" The PA, completely baffled at this
point says, "uh, it's the radio." "Oh, well then turn it
up," says Walken.
Dinosaurs Walken The Desert
So I am at the DGA Awards...and who shows up but Steve Spielberg.
"These young film students reference 'Mean Streets' and 'Taxi Driver,' not
'Star Wars' and 'Jaws.' Well, Marty, George and I are still pissed about
that." Are you fucking kidding me! It was one of the coolest
things I have ever been a part of, for this weekend anyway. I was there as
a guest, not some journalist, but I do have to make the observation that they
are all so short. Nobody is shorter than Pesci though. Man, that guy
is small.
More from Ryan...
OH SNAP...I had dinner Saturday night with one of the most incredible human beings I have ever met, Erin Brockovitch. Yes, the real Erin Brockovitch. Besides updating us on the on-going trials with PG&E (54 of the 600 plaintiffs have died since the release of the film), and her three teenagers, she talked about her new endeavour into the tv world with her own show on the lifetime network. Watch it. The only real scoop she gave me I am hesitant to write, but lets face it, who the fuck reads this shit anyways. Playboy offered her one mil for a spread when the movie came out. And of course she turned it down. Good for her, bad for us, because I have never seen any woman with 3 teenagers look like that.
Jason says...
I'll be there for you... I was visiting the set of "Friends" during the taping of the season finale. I cannot divulge any of the details because I signed a confidentiality agreement. But this is what I can tell you. Brad Pitt and David Arquette came by to visit their respective wives, but most notably RJ from American Idol came by the set with his "friend" who is also Matthew Perry's stand in. RJ serenaded the crowd in between a scene with Jodeci's "Lately" and then came out of the closet.
How old is this guy?... Anna Nicole Smith's dry spell has been well documented on her new horrible show. Well according to her assistant Kim her spell is over. Anna was on a date last friday for the "first time in a long time" according to Kim. The assistant, Anna's attorny and her son took in a night at local arcade and bowling ally.
Ticking Time bomb... Reminder!!! Never ever make a reference to Burt Reynolds' obviously gay assistant as gay. He will throw you against a wall.
Ryan says...
Just a reminder...NEVER, under any circumstances, refer to Burt Reynolds' obviously gay entourage as "gay." Trust us on this one.
Jason says...
Can You Feel It Baby?... Contestants on the game show "Russian Roulette," now appearing on the Game Show Network, are specifically told not to call host Mark L. Wahlberg (Temptation Island) Marky Mark or Dirk Diggler.
Dukes of Sushi... The Bastards where recently eating at a sushi restaraunt when they thought they spotted former "Dukes Of Hazzard" star Tom Wopat. When the bastards accused him of taking the last order of calamari and subsequently asking him to autograph a placemat we soon learned that he was not "Luke Duke" but in fact Joe Penny of the show "Jake and the Fatman". Although his dinner quest was a man of generous proportion it is still unconfirmed that he was "The Fatman."
wopat
penny
Nice!... While recently taking in a weekend at the beautiful Mandalay Bay resort and casino in Las Vegas, The Bastards spotted head boxing analyst for HBO, Larry Merchant. Merchant gave The Bastards advice on life and body hair hygiene. He also gave advice on who to put money on for the heavyweight fight that night between John Ruiz and Kirk "Bubba" Johnson. Merchant picked Johnson, Ruiz won and Ryan won $13. Merchant called The Bastards on Monday and apologized the advice. No harm done Larry.
But how do you explain "Bounce?"... Visiting the set of "Dare Devil" not too long ago, I overheard Ben Affleck say that he did "Changing Lanes" because he wanted to do a drama.
Ryan says...
Monkey see, monkey papoose... The pop king and Artist of the Millennium, Michael Jackson, has been throwing some classic concerts. We all know Jacko can be a bit "eccentric," but not to his biggest fans... His chimps. Before every concert, Jacko must have 2 front row seats reserved for two people wearing chimp papooses... Fuck me, this is real! He will not go on stage without his two best friends in the front row, monkey one and monkey two (sorry, I did not catch their names through my own howls of laughter). Keep it up AOM, fuck the devil and his kids too.
Holy Hot Shit...Eminem, the cute and cuddley rapper who has all those crazy kids screaming, "fuck you mom" is back. His newest album, the "Eminem Show" is definitely hot shit, and I for one can not get enough of "till i collapse." Turns out, he has a team of writers working with him though. I was under the impression he wrote all his songs with a pen and a bottle of pills, but one of my sources knows a writer collecting $60,000 a week for his efforts on the new album.
PULSE...During the filming of the last season's finale of 24, Kiefer Sutherland stopped a would-be assult by three men on a young woman. As he was at crafty enjoying a cheese snack of some kind (still uncomfirmed), he heard screaming. Asking the other crew members if second unit was shooting, he bolted into action when they realized second unit was off that day. The screams were from a nearby alley where the three men were struggling with the woman's purse. Kiefer jumped into full Jack Bauer mode and yelled, "Hey Stop!" Nice going Kief, or should we say "Jack."
Oh Dip...The 80's are back. Like a bowling somnambulist, the high school days of the 80's strike again. Two shows are currently shooting the comedy happenings of 80's highschool with "That was Then," and "Do Over." I for one can't wait for both! Fuck that, I can.
Snap..."Scrubs" is hilarious. The NBC hit (just another in the long line) is shooting for next season and it is better then ever. I had lunch with the stars of the show, and though nothing important was said, the blond girl is better looking in person then on the show. The only other girl in Hollywood I can say that about is Jeri Ryan from Boston Public. Great Ass.