Hot Chick:  Diane Kruger

Hot Chick Factor: 10, she's Helen for God's sake

Synopsis -- Watch out you illiterate bastards...

Short declaratory phrase in an attempt to get quoted in TV trailer, ad, or cover box --

"'Troy' made me lover Homer even more... Anyone that could come up with this story should clearly replace Diamond Joe Quimby as Mayor of Springfield! Hmmm, beer..."

Ryan's review:

Brad Pitt is walking around in armor, and half naked. If you are attracted to that sort of thing (Jason), then this is your movie. Really though, I liked this movie, but it is hard to like. The Illiad is just a really dated story (nobody could even write until well over 500 years after this battle was supposed to have taken place). The style of war was different so the story wanders in a way different to what audiences are used to. The dialoge in this version is very present-day, which is fine because we can understand them, but takes the audience out of the mood considering this is 3200 years ago. However, on a filmmaking and storytelling level, this is extremely well done. You can see how the people really believed Achilles was a child of gods, and it translates well on screen. The armor and fighting methods are very historically accurate, as are the customs of the people. When you break this one down intellectually, it is an awsome history lesson. But who has time for that here - Tim will build a trojan cock and sneak it into the asses of all who oppose the will of his cornstarch-dusted scrotum.

Rating: 5 out of 10 times Achilles was concered about people writing about him in history books even though nobody would know what the fuck "writing" and "books" would be for another ohhh, thousand years.

Nate's review:

Nate has yet to review this film.

Jason's review:

Jason has yet to review this film.

Tim's review:

Tim has yet to review this film. Whatever!

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