The Beast With A Million Eyes 1955Director - David Karmansky Starring: Poor old Alan has decided to tell us all his troubles. His family's been on a bummer for ten years and his date ranch has been losing money for three. His wife is getting sick of it all and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... Shaddup already, we ain't your shrink, we don't wanna hear about your problems, we just wanna see the Beast With A Million Eyes. And it better have a million of them too because we're gonna count every one of them. Finally he shuts up and waddles off into the house so we can meet his better half, Carol. Now Carol starts laying her troubles on us. She's jealous of her daughter because she's so young and has her whole life ahead of her. Sometimes she even thinks she hates her. She hates the farm and she hates "HIM" and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Aw, will you guys just shaddup and bring on the beast. Little do the couple know that their daughter Sandy and her faithful dog Duke are listening just outside the window. Alan leaves and Sandy enters and delights us with just a little BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Her mother kicks the dog out and it goes to another door and lets itself in. Sandy grabs a towel and says she's going swimming. I'll bet when Carol said she hated "HIM" you thought she meant Alan. Not so. Now we flash over to the shack out back where HIM has a room. HIM is their hired hand and he's a bit of a moron. Oh what the hell, he's a complete moron. HIM is called HIM because nobody knows his name. But best of all HIM can't speak so he never gets to BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, what a relief. His wall is plastered with cut-outs from girlie magazines in a sort of porno wallpaper theme. In his spare time he leafs through the girlie mags that he hasn't yet butchered. When HIM sees Sandy leaving with the towel he follows her down to a pond in the date grove where she strips down to her one-piece swimsuit and jumps in. HIM climbs up a ladder to get a birds eye view. Meanwhile, back at the ranch a PLANE flies very low overhead breaking china, drinking glasses and every window in the house. Carol phones the Sheriff's office but they treat it as a joke. Sandy has also heard the the plane and comes out of the water. She notices that Duke is acting kind of strange and is barking. She looks up and sees HIM up the ladder and tells him to get down and go home. While this is happening the dog sneaks off into the desert where he encounters the PLANE. We now see that the PLANE is like an old-fashioned coffee urn with a whirligig on top. Very frightening stuff.
This is the PLANE that's Alan is attacked by a flock of blackbirds while he's driving over to his neighbor's house in his really cool 1940 Ford woody stationwagon.
Hmm, I wonder if this little episode could've been an inspiration for Alfred Hitchcock's movie The Birds? Alan gets to Ben's place just as the old coot is about to milk Sarah, his cow. The cow kicks away the pail and Ben tells Alan all the animals have been acting up since the PLANE flew over.
Larry, the Sheriff's deputy, arrives at the ranch and surveys the damage and tells the family that he'll look into it. Much to the dismay of HIM, Larry and Sandy have the hots for each other and they take off to town in the police car with Sandy turning on the siren. Alan also heads into town to run a few errands.
Duke returns home and begins snarling at Carol who locks him out. She forgets that he can open the other door which he does. She grabs a rifle and takes a shot but misses. Now Carol runs out the back door and bangs on HIM's door but he won't let her in. She runs into the barn with Duke hot on her heels and axe murders the poor doggie. HIM comes out and runs off to visit the PLANE.
Alan and Sandy arrive home and Sandy is just a little pissed off about mom murdering her dog. Sandy goes out for a walk and realizes she's been in some kind of a daze when she runs into HIM. HIM seems to be unresponsive so she drags HIM back home which snaps him out of it.
Next morning we see Ben come out of his shack and prepare to wash up.
He sticks two fingers in the washbowl and decides he's clean enough.
No wonder the cow's been putting the boots to him, he must stink to high heaven. Anyway, Ben tries to milk Sarah again and she boots the pail, breaks loose and murders him. Remember folks, you heard it here first, cows can commit the wanton act of murder.
The cow shows up at the ranch and Sandy figures she'll get some free milk. The cow has a different idea and wants Sandy to become it's latest murder victim. Carol tries to come to her aid but falls on her ass and Sarah goes after her. Alan shoots the murderous cow dead just in the nick of time. Now
that's a shame because the cow only needed two more victims to become an
official serial killer.
Alan figures it's time to evacuate the premises and sends the girls to town while he searches for the ellusive HIM.
When Alan returns home he finds the girls there who explain that they were attacked by birds and couldn't get to town. Larry is cruising out to the ranch to celebrate Sandy's birthday when he comes across HIM. HIM climbs into the back seat and promptly conks Larry over the head rendering him unconscious. Larry wakes up and goes after HIM and lays a minor shit-kickin' and pistol whipping on him then heads to the ranch for the festivities. In the meantime Sandy has taken off and runs into HIM who carts her off to the PLANE.
Alan and Larry head out to the PLANE to rescue Sandy from a fate worse than death. HIM has her down by the coffee urn and is asking her if she wants regular or decaf. Alan calls out to HIM to bring Sandy back up to him but he's calling HIM "Carl" He brings the girl back up to Alan and drops dead on the spot. It turns out that HIM was in Alan's army unit in the war and it's Alan's fault that Him is all screwed up. They all retreat from the PLANE and are telepathically contacted by The Beast. This leads to another bout of BLAH, BLAH, BLAH which is just to dumb to get into. Suffice it to say that the Beast wants Sandy. I don't know what he's gonna do with her cause she'll never fit in that coffee urn. The three return to the PLANE without Larry for the climax, c'mon, not that kind of climax. When they get there we have some more BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Okay folks, this is it, we're finally gonna see The Beast With A Million Eyes. Look, a little door is opening on the coffee urn. Wow, there's a big eye superimposed all over the screen but I can see right through it. Yes, I can see The Beast With A Million Eyes. It looks like Felix the cat on a bad acid trip. Let's see, how many eyes has it got? Okay, I count one, two, hey, what the hell, this sucker's only got two eyes. We got ripped off. I knew it was too good to be true. I think I want a refund or something. Maybe I should
talk to my lawyer.
Anyhoo, Alan tells Felix The Cat that it ain't getting Sandy so it might as well just drop dead which it conviently does. The coffee urn then takes off as it was pre-programmed to do.
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